It's my fault. Every part of me is telling me this. It tried to rationalize it, because what could I have done? But a part of me keeps insisting if I had just met you, talked to you, I could have helped you hang on. I'm thinking of joining you. I honestly don't want to be in this world anymore, the world which places so little value in a human life. And am I to blame? Yes. I put you on a pedestal that you had no hope to get down from, and I foolishly believed that you were getting better. I should have known that it's not that easy, but I pretended and deluded myself that you were in a place you wanted to be. Now I don't know what to do. Do I just go on like nothing happened? I know I said last night I would just look back on you with fondness, but now I'm not sure if I can do that. So much hurts. There are so many things I should have told you, and the things I will never say will hurt me forever.

Part of me is angry at you. How could you leave us in this way? How could you forget about the people who loved you more than anything on this earth? Then I realized how selfish I was being. You lived to the best you could, and no one could have asked for any more. As much as I hate it, I think a tiny part of me will forever resent you for leaving and not taking me with you. I am broken too, but I held on because I had a reason to. Now I have one reason less.

I don't know what to do anymore. Do I cry? Do I move on? My family won't understand, they'll tell me to get over it because it's not like I knew you. And they're right. I didn't know the real you, and I will forever regret that. I'm sorry I failed you.

The first time I listened to SHINee, it was September 2016. I found Lucifer, and your shirt was the funniest thing I had seen in a while. I mean, where was the back? As time went on, I started to love your voice, and the raw emotions you brought to your music. Story Op 1 is one of my favourite things to listen to, but now how can I listen to it without hurting? I am honoured that I got to be with you for at least two comebacks, because I know there are people who didn't get to see any, just like there are people who have been with you since 2008. And we are all hurting. I don't even want to listen to SHINee anymore, because every note is too painful. But I am forcing myself to do it, because your memory deserves to be remembered, not as the idol who killed himself, but the passionate and enthusiastic man who stood up for what he believed in without a second thought, who poured his heart and soul into everything he did.

I can only leave you with what I would have said had I met you. How have you been? Are you eating lots? Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Are you happy? Do you need to talk about anything? Are the other members being nice to you? Are they teasing? I would like to thank you for creating music, and just for living, because your hope is my light in the darkness. Please keep fighting, because there is nothing I want more than for you to be happy.

And now you've moved on. What's it like there? I hope there's all of your favourite foods, and lots of places to rest and relax. May you look down on all of us, and protect us. But more importantly, protect your brothers. They are hurting so much more than me right now. Please comfort them, and tell them that it is not their fault. Let them continue their lives, whether it is as SHINee, or individually. I promise if I ever meet them, I'll make sure they are doing alright, and I'll tell them how valuable they all are, so that they don't feel alone.

And now, it's late December, and you can finally rest.

Jonghyun, you've done so well.