A Shining Diamond
A FarewellI heard it from my best friend first. Hours after it was confirmed. I came home after a long day in Uni, opened up my messages and then saw it. "we lost an idol" she had written "SHINee's Jonghyun"
And at that moment I felt numb. I checked again and again, hoping that it was but a horrible joke, that it was a mistake, that he was still alive. But it was real. A reality I wish I wouldn't have to live through again - having a person I love and admire die. And it hurt. So much. I just couldn't stop my tears from falling, I couldn't stop sobbing into my pillow and I couldn't get rid of that horrible lump in my throat. And as much as I cried, I couldn't find any sense of relief or closure. Only emptiness. I couldn't believe it. A man so young. A man so talented. A man so caring, so sweet, so loving. A man who was always so full of life now laid to rest without it. And then the guilt kicked in. Guilt for not noticing how far his condition was. Guilt for not being able to help. Guilt for being so freaking useless. Endless guilt. I gazed at my desk, at my notes for the spoken presentation due the day after. The theme: "Biography of an inspiring artist". His name, his life story and his achievements gazed back at me, written a week in advance, in a language different from my own native one. I read them over and over, the conclusion hitting me hard "Kim Jonghyun is thus undoubtedly a shining diamond, a great example of an artist so passionate with his art. An artist I wish to be able to see perform with my own two eyes". I couldn't bring myself to correct it. And I didn't. Today, on the 19th of December 2017 I stood in the front of an auditorium, and gave my presentation. And as I added another part speaking of his recent death and its impact, I choked up. Because it felt so wrong. It was the first time that I said it out loud and it nearly broke me. It felt so wrong.
You didn't deserve what this world did to you, Jonghyun. And we didn't deserve an angel like you. I'm so sorry. And thank you for everything. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. Both your biological and your other family. I can only hope that they will be okay in the future.... I'm sorry. So, so, so sorry...
You are so strong. You'll forever be missed.
You fought so bravely.
Now rest.
You did well.
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