It is a special kind of purgatory, the empty space between grief and hope.

Hyesung feels Eric’s loss as a permanent chill in his bones. He's freezing in midsummer, as though his blood has been turned to ice, and his limbs scream in pain each time he moves.

For Minwoo’s sake, he hides his grief, for he doesn't want to lose Minwoo to the same sorrow. For Minwoo, there is still a sliver of hope: his MRI and CAT scan results have come out miraculously optimistic, and there is a fighting chance he'll be able to walk again with rehab and therapy and the right mindset. But Minwoo, after weeping for Eric to the point of exhaustion, has descended into sullen silence, and refuses to cooperate with any of their requests. Staring blankly at the ceiling is his activity of choice, and he refuses food and water, forcing the hospital to keep him nourished through an IV.

“Minwoo-yah…” Hyesung would cajole, offering offering of small comforts -- sweets, his old ipod, a packet of chips -- and favors (Do you want me to cut your hair? Do you want me to put lotion on your hands? Do you want me to help you shave?) to coax into responding, but his pleas are ultimately ignored. Minwoo is there and yet not, a living ghost who once in a while lets out a deep sigh that he seems to will as his last breath.

As the days pass, slow and thick and hollow, Hyesung watches, horrified, as despite his best efforts, Minwoo starts to fade away before his eyes.

“He's not responding to anything,” the doctor says after having pulled Hyesung aside, his expression grave. “Despite his initial good prognosis, if he makes up his mind to give up, we'll be at a loss.”

The prospect of losing yet another member especially in such a short span of time is like a kick in the gut to Hyesung, and his vision darkens a bit when the doctor first says it.

“You must reach him somehow, Hyesung-ssi, or he will be beyond help.”

“H-how…” Hyesung stammers because he can already barely keep himself together. He’s tired, so tired, but he needs to endure, and oh God when will this stop….

“Anything.” The doctor looks him straight in the eye, and Hyesung shudders, sees the steel in his glare amidst the vanishing hope. “Try anything. If not, and I’m very sorry to say this, Hyesung-ssi, but you will lose him.”

And so, Hyesung tries.

He tries being gentle, sitting on the bed and wafting food under Minwoo’s nose. He tries being kind, ’s hand and washing his hair and wiping his face. He tries force, attempting to feed Minwoo by putting food into his mouth, but his bandmate, either through sheer stubbornness or just the lack of energy, doesn’t even attempt to chew, and Hyesung is forced to quickly remove it, lest he inadvertently ends up killing him by choking.

A week and a half into Minwoo’s arrival at the hospital and his condition is much worse than what it had been when he had first come in, and Hyesung is grasping at straws.

“Yah, Lee Minwoo, do you hate me that much?”

The words come out without warning and surprises even Hyesung, but fatigue has rendered his bones heavy and his tongue loose, and so he continues. He doesn’t know how much longer either of them can hold out. He has been apart from Minwoo for longer (years, in fact), has seen him post-accidents and mishaps, but he has never seen his brother looking so weak and listless before and it terrifies him. Minwoo is lying in bed, pale as death, eyes motionless under paper-thin eyelids. The only color on him are the many bruises blossoming on his face and the fringes of his hair. Everything else is stark white, all life leached out.

Despite the heat in the room, a chill passes through Hyesung’s spine and he shivers. He wraps his arms around himself, wills himself to keep talking.

“I wish I had died instead too, instead of…” and he has to swallow because the names are still hard to say, “…of Andy…and Jingyo, and even…even Eric. But…honestly, aren’t you being just a little too ing selfish right now?”

Although Minwoo has his eyes closed, Hyesung can tell when his breath shifts, just a little. He’s listening at least.

“You…before you left, you told me to be brave. Frankly, it’s the worst advice I’ve ever gotten because who the hell can stay brave when there are bombs going off every night? I was alone and you guys were gone, and I didn’t know if any of you were coming back. I was never brave, I was always ing terrified, but I made it through because I promised you guys I would. I promised I’d be here in case you came back.”

A beat, because his head is throbbing and his eyes are burning and goddammit Lee Minwoo.

“If you want me to let you go…I will, because I don’t know how much more I can take seeing you there trying to kill yourself. I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you to come back to. I just wanted you to know that you’re being a right bastard to do this.”

There’s slight movement on the bed, and Hyesung is surprised to see Minwoo’s head turned towards him, eyes open for the first time in days and glinting with fire. “Yah,” he says, voice weak from disuse, but it’s a warning if Hyesung ever heard one.

“You’re a ing hypocrite, Lee Minwoo.” Hyesung spits.

“Jung Pilgyo!”

“ you, honestly. you,” and Hyesung is wiping tears from his eyes as he speaks, months of loneliness and hurt and anxiety creeping up on him like a wave, swallowing him whole. “You came back only to die. You came back only to die in front of me. Honestly, do you hate me that much?”

He caves then, back bent and chest heaving, because he doesn’t want to grieve anymore for anyone else. He doesn’t think his heart can take any more.

“Do you know…how hard it is…to bury your family?” Minwoo asks, the most he’s said since he’s come back, since he regained consciousness. He’s breathless when he speaks, but fury laces his words. “Do you know…?”

Hyesung looks at him, feels himself turn white. “Of course I ing do. Do you know how hard it was for me to bury Jingyo and Andy, to meet them at the airport when they were already in boxes?” He can’t breathe as he resists the urge to hit Minwoo, to grab the front of his shirt and shake him in order for him to come to his goddamn senses. “Do you know how hard it is to wait every day for news about any of you, to answer every single phone call already expecting the news telling me that you…that all of you were gone?”

“You don’t…you don’t know…what it’s like out there…” Minwoo grits his teeth. “Death is better.”

At this, Hyesung stands. Something lodges itself in his throat and for a second he hates himself for even opening his mouth, but his emotions are suddenly flooding his senses, the first time now in a long while, and he finds that he doesn’t want to stop it, that he can’t.

“Then I won’t stop you. Do what you want, but know that if you go I will never forgive you.”

Rage and sadness bubble over him and tips, washes over the stark floor like blood, and Hyesung turns to leave the room without even daring to take one last look back.

(You fill up the sky,
you rise up in that song
As if you’ve already come,
as if you’ve called me)

Even in these circumstances, Hyesung can’t help but blame Eric.

He’d run out of the hospital and didn’t stop until he reached the banks of the Han, hiding himself in the tall, dead grass. Summer has baked everything dry and the Han is a churning, murky mess snaking through the near-empty city. In the distance there are guns firing, but Hyesung barely flinches now at the sound.

“Yah, you…” he chokes out, gaze straight at the empty sky, blue and flat as a sheet. “You…”

He wishes Eric was here, at least, because then he could punch him. If Eric was here, they would fight until blood was drawn, or even in spite of, and Hyesung could yell at him all he wanted because when something goes wrong it’s Eric who gets the blame because he would just goddamn accept it like an idiot even though it’s not his ing fault. Hyesung wants to yell at him and ask him why he isn’t here to help him through this because he’s already lost Andy and will he have to lose Minwoo too and what of Choongjae and Dongwan and will he have to bury everyone and oh God he can’t, he can’t, he can’t…

To: Mikkulajji 

Yah, you louch.

What kind of a leader are you, leaving your members behind?

You told us once before that you’ll always be there if we needed you. At most you’ll be a phone call away.

You’re a ing liar.

Minwoo needs you, and you left him. Andy was with you, and yet he got killed.

I may not have…

No.

You told me I had to stay and I did what you asked because I always thought you knew best.

You were always one step ahead and I didn’t mind because you were always there and we could always catch up when we needed to.

But you’ve now gone where I can’t follow while everyone else is right behind.

I need you too, you bastard.

How could you leave me? Did I do something wrong?

I want to hate you, but I can’t.

Take care of everyone.

If I see you again, I’m punching you in the face and you’re not allowed to punch back.

He doesn’t return to the hospital for three days.

He can’t face Minwoo, can’t face the slow-dawning reality that he will likely lose another friend, and so he stays away, locks himself in Eric’s apartment and writes bits and pieces of songs, chopped-up sentences and scribbled phrases, because although his tears have stopped, there is still so much to say and no one to say it to. He cleans because the apartment has collected dust and bits of plaster and with the electricity cut off the heat only makes it worse. Menial tasks keep him busy and he’s able to distract himself effectively for the time being, which helps keep the anxiety at bay.

He only gathers the courage to venture back to the hospital when the words dry up, and there is nothing else to clean and put away, and dread slowly fills up the hole in his heart.

He’s bracing himself for the news as he makes his way towards Minwoo’s room, is ready to hear the worst and see the empty bed when he slides the door open and…and…and…

“You goddamn bastard, Jung Pilgyo.”

Hyesung’s head snaps up in attention. Minwoo is propped up with pillows and looking at him as he enters the room. Although he still looks like a strong breeze will knock him over, there’s some color in his cheeks and there’s a glint in his glare and is that bastard actually smirking at me?

“Yah!” Hyesung yells, more in surprise than anything else.

“Good day to you too, sunshine. Nice to see you back,” Minwoo says, his tone achingly close to what he used to sound like before the war.

“I thought…I thought…” Hyesung tries to speak, his words stumbling over each other as he takes in Minwoo’s changed appearance. His hair has been trimmed and his face has been washed and someone has cut his nails. Although his face is painfully gaunt and his physical appearance is far from what it had been, it’s clear some progress has been made where there previously had been none.

“I was so pissed off with you that day,” Minwoo says, watching Hyesung as he approaches the bed. “I was so pissed off at what you said that I couldn’t stop thinking about it…and I kept waiting for you to come back so I could yell at you, but you didn’t…and then I got hungry so I asked for some food…”

“Yah,” Hyesung can hardly believe his eyes or ears. This has to be a dream. “You were practically at death’s door. Are you telling me the reason for this…is just so you could have chance to yell at me?”

Minwoo gives his head a knowing shake. “Oh I won’t just yell at you. I’ll go to therapy every single day and relearn to walk and use my goddamn legs so that when it’s finally time, I can beat you up so badly you won’t even be able to sit or lie down for a week.”

There is a glimmer of the old Minwoo hidden in those words, the promise of mischief and revelry and the unsung notes of twenty or so odd years of brotherhood and friendship and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you alone, I’m sorry I’m sorry…

Something inside of Hyesung crumbles and he surges forward, grasping Minwoo’s hand as he takes his place of vigil by the bedside, babbling and cursing and apologizing over and over and over.

This time when he cries, someone is already wiping away the tears.

(You’re doing well, stay with me
I can hear it too, I hear you say
hello hello hello)


tbc

Author's Notes:
1. I was supposed to put WanJin in this chapter but Minwoo didn't want me to????
2. Also Minwoo was supposed to die but he's a stubborn bastard.
3. Grief is so hard to write you guys but it's so cathartic. I was supposed to delve deeper into the ugly side of war, but since Hyesung is not in the frontlines, he probably will not see it as much as the other 5 would. I'll likely put it in a spin-off story.
4. Comments are love! Thank you so much!