It was an attack on a military base by a round of missiles, the kind of thing Hyesung used to only hear from videogames, but now doesn’t even blink at when it’s disclosed to him.

On the phone, the finer details are explained by the commanding officer: Missiles took out the military base but Sergeant Lee had actually been on rounds. He only ran back to rescue the men trapped inside. He saved ten men in all, but the roof collapsed before we could put out the fire. We had to dig him out.

His legs are badly injured. Paralysis is possible.

He’s lucky to be alive.

The last word is really the only word Hyesung cares about and at the rendezvous point at the airport where he has to meet up with the rescue unit, it takes all of his self-control to not throw himself at his brother, lying small and still and vulnerable on the stretcher, and not let go. He runs a trembling hand through Minwoo’s hair, growing long and caked with dust, and rests a careful palm on his chest, overwhelmed and grateful at the faint thrumming of a heartbeat against his skin.

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you

He holds Minwoo’s hand all the way to the hospital, cries as he feels how warm it is.

The situation is actually quite dire and emergency surgery is required, as well as more blood than what the hospital has on hand. Hyesung offers himself as a donor right away because we’re the same blood type goddammit and who ing else can, and in the end, the hospital doesn’t really have a choice. He endures sitting in the waiting room for nearly a day, reciting old songs under his breath, focusing on centering himself because he doesn’t know how else to keep himself from falling apart.

“It’s a wait-and-see game for now,” the doctor informs him later, much later, when the surgery is finished and Hyesung can barely stand from either blood loss or just the loss of circulation in his legs. “Luckily he didn’t sustain any head injuries, but the blood he lost was a substantial amount. We didn’t have to amputate, but whether or not he’ll be able to gain any movement in his legs is something we’ll have to see…”

The world swims and Hyesung shuts his eyes, feeling empathetic to Minwoo’s pain. He doesn’t really want to think about the long-term consequences of such an injury; at the moment, all he wants to focus on is helping his friend get better.

“May I see him?”

“Right now we’ve sedated him to give his body some time to rest, so he’s still sleeping. It should wear off and he should be waking up in a couple of days.” The doctor gives him a once-over, takes in his haggard appearance and the fact that he probably looks like a patient himself. “You should go home as well and get some rest, Hyesung-ssi.”

The very thought of leaving Minwoo alone when he’s vulnerable makes Hyesung feel sick. He is afraid to leave, and is equally afraid to be left alone.

“Minwoo hates hospitals,” he says as an explanation. “I’m not leaving him.”

The other man seems to study him a long moment, his expression softening.

“I heard about Andy-ssi and Eric-ssi…”

Hyesung’s temper flares and snaps, like brittle leaves against a flame. “We don’t know about Eric yet,” he says, feeling irrationally agitated at the thought that people may already be writing Eric or anybody else off. Hearing the other members’ names said with such familiarity from others also sets him off. “He can still…he still has a chance. So do Dongwan and Junjin.”

There’s an expression on the doctor’s face that he can’t really place, something like pity, or perhaps a glimmer of hope.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s difficult.” There’s an unspeakable pain in his eyes that Hyesung knows can only come from firsthand experience. “My daughters are…were…fans, so you must forgive me if I treat you in a familiar manner. Through them, I feel like I already know you, and so…I am sincerely sorry.”

Hyesung stares at his shoes, his head suddenly getting heavy. He didn’t miss the past tense reference to his daughters, and suddenly feels drained.

“I’m sorry,” he says, because it’s all he can offer when life has already taken so much. The doctor clears his throat.

“I won’t keep you from staying, but at least eat and shower first, and fetch some clothes you can change into. When Minwoo-ssi wakes, he will need his friend, and you must be up for the task.”

Hyesung nods, nearly bursts into tears as the doctor grips his shoulder before walking away.

20171130

Hello, Hyung –

Wa~ I never wanted you to ever read this letter. But I guess it has to be done. You’re probably tearing yourself apart if you were desperate enough to open this.

Since that’s the case, let me say this: Nothing is your fault. If I’ve gone, it’s got nothing to do with you. I can only hope that by the time you read this the war would have ended already and most of us have come back home.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t stay, hyung. Please know that I tried my very best.

I love you forever. Thank you for everything. I’ll see you someday.

Your Andy (Lee Sunho)

P.S. Please don’t take it out on Eric hyung either. I’m sure he also tried his best.

Hyesung follows the doctor’s advice and goes home right after the surgery, staying long enough only to bathe and collect some clothes and items before quickly rushing back to the hospital where Minwoo has been sequestered in a private room, away from the incessant chaos outside.

Minwoo is bruised and ragged but still very much alive and so Hyesung parks himself at his bedside, wipes his face and hands and cleans his hair, because Minwoo will absolutely freak if he wakes up looking like a homeless person and Hyesung doesn’t think he can take that much excitement. Both of his bandmate’s legs are heavily bandaged and under a thin white sheet and Hyesung avoids touching them at all costs.

He hopes that Minwoo will wake up soon, but at the same time envies his state. He wishes he could lose himself in a haze of ignorance and stay in a world without war or death or missing friends and family members. He keeps Andy’s last letter, recovered from the depths of his safe, in his inner shirt pocket; it makes him feel less alone.

Take your time, Minbong-ah, Hyesung whispers as he draws hearts with his finger on Minwoo’s open palm. I’m here. I’m just here.

He doesn’t want to sleep but exhaustion often claims him, and at some point on the fourth day, he’s crippled with a raging fever that makes the nurses worry and forces them to fix him a mattress because no I’m not leaving my brother, no I would rather die if you make me—

His dreams are distorted and frighteningly real, and it’s of Andy fading away as he gives Hyesung his last letter, and Minwoo with bloody stumps for legs, and Junjin and Dongwan melting into the shadows, and of Eric…

Idiot, Eric says, and they’re in a meadow or a train station or an empty studio with the lights still on. Why do you always make me worry?

Yah! Hyesung shouts back because how ing dare you? You…where the hell are you? Where did you go?

Eric laughs in that infuriating manner of his. His eyes are bright and his laughter clear as he hugs Hyesung from behind.

Are you all right?

Do I ing look all right? What are you laughing at? It’s not funny, you bastard.

I can’t believe you kiss your mother with that mouth, Jung Pilgyo.

Yah!

It will get better. I promise.

You’re a ing liar.

Again with that laugh. Eric is so close and yet it’s still so cold and when Hyesung wakes, drenched in sweat and with his fever broken, something heavy settles in the pit of his stomach and he knows…he knows…

“Eric-ah…” he hears Minwoo say, a half-cry or maybe a sob, and Hyesung scrambles to his feet.

“Minbong-ah…” he says, all bleariness gone. Minwoo’s face is creased in pain, but there is a deep grief in his eyes that hurts Hyesung to see. He reaches out and squeezes ’s fingers, grounding them both to harsh reality. “Minbong-ah, it’s me.”

“Eric.” Minwoo repeats, and the way he says it Hyesung knows he knows it too. He holds Minwoo’s hand up, urges him to touch his face, already slick with tears.

“It’s me,” is the only thing he can say, the most comfort he can give. “It’s me.”

“Hyesung.” Minwoo gasps, and tears start to pool in the corners of his eyes. “Hyesungie.”

29 November ’17

Hyesungie,

This is how goodbyes happen. It comes all of a sudden. I’m only sorry that this is how I get to tell you.

Send me off well, and then you have to go on living. You have to promise me this. As long as one of us lives, Shinhwa lives, and as long as Shinhwa lives, we all do. We will always be 6.

If there is a next life, I will look for all of you there. God is probably not so cruel to only have us meet in this life.

It will get better. For now, know that I love you and I am thankful to have met you. I will wait for the day when we can all be together again.

The best neighbor ever,
MJH

tbc


Author's Notes: 

1. It's a war, so somebody has to die, even though it KILLS me whenever I have to do it.
2. The letters are all from that pile they had given HS before they enlisted. Somewhere in Chapter 2. 
3. If you find this chapter weird, don't worry, you're not alone. I find it weird too. For a long time I was thinking of writing it in Minwoo's POV, but it just didn't feel right, so I stuck with Hyesung. Poor guy is full of feelings now. 
4. I'm sorry!?!

Would appreciate any comments or suggestions! What do you think will happen to Wannie and Jinnie? Is the war ever going to end? Will Hyesung feel better now that Minwoo's back? This thing has probably got two more chapters left. I'm not sure yet, but this definitely won't go over 10. 

Happy Holidays!