“You can’t.”

Five pairs of eyes look back at Hyesung from where they’re seated at Eric’s dining table, a mostly-untouched dinner of rice, kimchi stew, and pan-fried saury meticulously arranged in front of them. There’s surprise reflected in their gaze, possibly due to their not expecting an outburst from anyone, least of all him, but it quickly evolves into something like pity, and Hyesung has to look away. In the background, the TV is still broadcasting the draft they had heard at least 20 times already, the message short but concise:

All able South Korean males who have undergone military training, with birthdays from January 1, 1979 to October 31, 1997 are required to report to their nearest assigned base immediately. This is your duty to your country. This is not a drill. We repeat, this is not a drill.

Hyesung feels as though his chest may explode.

“You can’t,” he repeats, although he knows full well the decision has already been made. He changes tack, hopes to convince at least one. “Please…”

Under the table, Junjin holds his hand. Andy holds the other.

“We have to.” Minwoo’s voice is quiet and ragged. He looks so much smaller in Eric’s clothes, as though he’s a child trying on his father’s shirts, but his face seems to have aged decades in a single day. “You know we have to.”

“It’s our duty,” Dongwan says, although his voice falters when he says it. When the news broke he had locked himself in the bathroom for an hour. Now there is a hard gleam in his eye that Hyesung can’t place. Already Dongwan is evolving, shutting himself in.

“They killed so many people, hyung,” Andy is rubbing his knuckles, a trick to pacify him. His skin is still so soft, like a baby’s. How was he going to fight a war? “They…” he pauses when Minwoo chokes back a sob, then backtracks. “We have to go,” Andy finishes lamely, looking as unconvinced as he probably feels.

“Bull!” Hyesung slams his fist on the table, making the silverware rattle. “If you’re all going, I’m going too.”

“You can’t.” Eric’s voice is low but loud enough for all of them to hear. It’s the tone he uses for serious situations, which would normally grant him default reverence as leader, but in this particular context, Hyesung just wants to reach over and throttle him.

“Watch me.” His temper is flaring, hot and uncontrollable, and he can feel his face growing red. “I can volunteer. Corps. Messenger. Liaison. Whatever.”

I’m not being left behind, is what he really wants to say, and somehow all of them seem to have heard. Minwoo, Dongwan, and Andy collectively lower their heads, not wishing to partake in the discussion any further. Eric stares back at him with equal defiance. Junjin squeezes his hand.

“You’ve not undergone any basic military training. Your legs are both bad,” Eric says, his tone is steady but Hyesung can see his lips trembling. Stupid Eric. Twenty years of friendship and he still can’t find it in him to tell s painful truths. “You can’t, idiot. You physically can’t. You’d be a liability, if anything.”

White-hot rage fills him, though Hyesung knows exactly what Eric is doing. “Hyung!” Andy says, and stands to put himself as a block between their leader and the lead vocalist. He holds his palms up, shooting Eric a disapproving glare. “Eric hyung, that was uncalled for.”

Eric shrugs, eyes hard and cool as stones. “Shin Hyesung stays.”

“YAH!” Hyesung is so angry now he’ll settle for hitting Andy if he can’t reach Eric, and he won’t feel sorry for it. “Look here. You’re not telling me what I am or am not doing. Why do I need to stay when all of you are going?”

“You have to stay, hyung.” Junjin now speaks, after having kept his silence for most of the meal. His voice is hoarse from yelling, but it still carries an imposing tone. Hyesung knows this tactic. Junjin and Eric tag-teaming is a classic move, because he can never resist in the end. Most times, he reminds himself. Not this time.

“Why?” Hyesung’s fists curl, raring for a fight. “Why are you taking his side? Last time I checked I could do anything I could damn well please. I’m entitled to fight in a damn war if I wanted to!”

“You’re entitled to think it, but hyung, you’re not qualified. That’s the truth.”

It sounds so much more hurtful when Junjin says it that if Hyesung could pay for someone to cut off his accursed legs right then and there just so he really would have a reason to not enlist, he would. Tears sting his eyes and he lowers his head. “ you…” he starts, but then a pair of arms encircles his waist and he’s rendered unable to move.

“Please stay.” Junjin’s mouth is half-buried in his sweater and his words come out as a mumbled mess, but Hyesung hears every single word. “Hit me. Be mad at me forever. But please stay. For us. Stay for us. Keep us going. At least we won’t have you to worry about, and we’ll look forward to coming home safely. Please, hyung.”

Junjin looks up at him with a hope Hyesung hasn’t seen since their debut days. His lips are curled up at the corners and his eyes are shining. He doesn’t know where his family is, if his father and sister are still alive or if they’re hurt or if they had managed to escape the city, and Hyesung knows this is a last-ditch attempt to protect what he has left. Staring at Choongjae who’s trying so hard not to cry, his resolve crumbles.

“I hate you all,” he spits, and pushes himself away from the dining room table, promptly turning his back to stomp off towards the direction of Eric’s bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

He wakes to the uncomfortable warmth of five bodies squeezed against his in disordered angles. There are several fists clutching onto his clothes (Andy, Minwoo, Dongwan), fingers intertwined in his (Junjin), and someone playing with his hair (Eric, that louch).

“Yah,” he warns, hoping he at least sounds vaguely threatening. He really doesn’t, and so makes up for it by glaring at their leader. The room is dark and lit only by dim lamplight. What time is it? What day is it? Eric’s shades have been kept down since they had first gathered, and he’s not had the strength to check how long they’ve been there. The only clear thing he can see is the reflection of Eric’s teeth and the sight of it somehow irritates him more. “ off.”

“Always rude,” Eric grumbles, but continues fiddling with his hair.

“Get away from me. I’m still mad at you.”

“What are you, five?”

“You called me a liability. You practically called me useless.”

“Idiot. You never read between the lines.” Eric tuts then lets out a breath, whispers the next few words as his fingers dance across Hyesung’s forehead. “Happy birthday, Syungie.”

And as if by magic, the other members start stirring, either moving closer to Hyesung to hug him, or tightening the grip they already have on him, whispering him birthday wishes. Even if you’re mean to me, I love you. Don’t worry about us, hyung. Be brave, Hyesungie. I love you, hyung.

Hyesung swears at them, strings of colorful curses enough to make all their mothers blush flow from his mouth, but their hugs only grow tighter, their whispers more relentless, and soon, his tears come at an unstoppable force. They haven’t celebrated any of their birthdays as six in so long, and he hasn’t realized how much he’s missed it. How much he will miss all of it.

“Don’t leave me,” he begs, and this is the lowest he’s ever put himself in front of them, s, his friends, his brothers. He promises himself he’ll only ask them of it once, that afterward, he will accept whatever outcome, whatever fate befalls them. “Please.”

Eric’s thumb is gentle across his cheek as he wipes away a stray tear.

“Stay and keep Shinhwa alive. It’ll make us feel better, knowing you’ll still be here. You will be our home.”

You’re ing selfish, Hyesung wants to say. All of you are my home.

But he nods instead, as he knows he would.

“I hate you all.” He repeats his statement from earlier, but it’s no longer filled with fire. Junjin burrows his face in his shoulder, the fabric now soaked with silent tears.

It takes the government a day more before communications are restored, but everything is rationed. Internet comes at a snail’s pace, and rolling blackouts ensures heating only stays on for a couple of hours. Junjin has given up on actively searching for his family to shield himself from further grief and concentrates on preparing for deployment. Minwoo takes a day to grieve for his parents in private but returns within a day to Eric’s apartment with his mouth set in a straight line; his older sister and her family are fine at least, and it offers everyone a minute feeling of relief. Andy returns home only to get a few prized possessions and so does Dongwan, who also comes back with more supplies for the apocalypse than any of them will ever need. Somehow, Eric’s apartment has now become their communal space.

They reserve five seats at the barber’s and at the last minute, Hyesung joins them, taking his usual place in the lineup. The buzz cut on him is so shocking that all of them can barely speak once it’s done, and before long they’re reduced to their usual giggles. It’s the first Hyesung has seen Minwoo smile in days.

He helps pack up their valuables – bank books, photos, CDs, birth certificates, passports, USB sticks – in a large bag that Eric sprays liberally with Scotch Guard before enveloping it in neon orange tape “for extra protection”. On separate occasions, all five approach him with a sealed letter, “in case”. Hyesung handles each one as though it’s a ticking bomb and puts all of them in his safe in haste, forces himself to forget that they even exist.

Every night they spend together, they cook dinner. They bicker. They sleep in the same bed. Nobody mentions the possibility of any of it being the last time.

Then the telegrams arrive, and there’s no way of delaying it any further.

Hyesung watches as Eric’s apartment quickly gets cleaned up of the members’ assorted belongings and the final bags are packed, watches as each makes last-minute phone calls or final statuses on social media. It’s no longer 6-1=0, Eric writes on Shinhwa’s accounts. Wherever one member of Shinhwa is, there we will all be. God bless you all and let’s meet again another sunny day.

At the bus depot, all five of them stand in front of him in a line. There is a gap between Dongwan and Junjin reserved for him, but Hyesung keeps his place apart from them, tries not to show how his chest feels like it’s cracking in two. Although they had kept the enlistment under wraps, word has gotten out and media have hounded them to the send-off. 1^st-Gen Idols Among First Recruits, the headlines say, Godspeed, Shinhwa!

People are weeping at the gates, and Hyesung wants very much to hit someone. If he can keep it together, why can’t they? They’re only making it harder for everyone.

“Smile, Pilgyo,” Eric says, tone still holding a teasing lilt. He’s going for training with Andy in one of the islands, Minwoo in Cheongnam, Dongwan with Junjin to be dispatched to Japan for special training in liaisons.

“ you.” Hyesung mutters.

“I love you too.” Eric says.

In the minutes before their farewell, Hyesung frets over the two youngest: ties their scarves, pulls down their hats, makes sure their gloves are secure.

“Hyung is sorry,” he says unable to look either Andy or Junjin in the eyes. “I wish I could be there with you.”

“Nothing is your fault, hyung.” Andy sniffs. In his fatigues he looks like a boy playing war games, despite his superior experience to all of them with anything to do with the military. “We’re sorry we’re leaving.”

Junjin is hopping from foot to foot, simultaneously sniffling and clearing his throat. When Hyesung gathers him for a hug, the younger man wilts against him, lets out a pent-up cry against his chest.

“Please stay safe,” Junjin says. “Do whatever you have to do, but please stay safe. I’ll come back, I’ll come back, I promise.”

There’s a thorn in Hyesung’s throat and he’s about to say something about not making promises he’s not sure he can keep, but bites his lip and nods instead. “Don’t cry, Jin-ah. They’ll take your picture and your ugly crying face will be on the Internet forever.”

Junjin lets out a strangled laugh but it works, and he releases his hold on Hyesung, hastily wiping his eyes. The other members gather around him, do one last embrace. Minwoo and Dongwan kiss his cheeks and for once Hyesung doesn’t push them away. When they return to their positions, the gap between the two members stays intact.

“Pil Gyo!” Dongwan says, his smile wide and his eyes twinkling as he raises a hand to his forehead in salute.

“Pil Gyo!” the other members repeat with equal enthusiasm.

Hyesung says nothing but does the salute back, forces himself to stay upright, for his legs not to give way. When the last bus leaves carrying his last brother with it, he waits until he gets back to Eric’s apartment, now silent as a tomb, before he finally loses all strength and collapses on the living room carpet, his body shuddering and wracked with sobs.

tbc