Member: Jeonghan

"I'm not her. Sorry."

Those were the last words you said before leaving him under that rain. Your clothes both soaked and every tear washed with each drop of the rain. Those words might also be the final words you will ever say because now, you finally set him free.

"No." Jeonghan muttered under his breath. Inaudibly. He felt his heart tear when you walked away. The pain is unexplainable when it was ripped into pieces. He wants you to know that you have special place in his heart more than being a resemblance of his first and only love but a part of him is unsure of it. He needs time to clearly understand your importance. Holding on to you while he does it is a very selfish move so it's best to let each other go.

***

"We're done." A week has passed and you fought every single day with eyes filled with unshed tears. The wound is deep and the pain is fresh. "Actually, there's nothing to end. We didn't even have a chance."

It's not like you confessed to Jeonghan or Jeonghan asked you to be his girlfriend but you just ended ties with him with a few words. You know that you are both aware of where this is going. He will either like you as her or he will not like you at all. Whichever, you will end up miserable so stopping at that moment is the best cure.

Junhui simply rubbed your back. He doesn't know what to say in this kind of situation but he sincerely wants to make you feel better.

Jeonghan never approached you since that night under the rain and you didn't look for him either. You are both stuck in each other's memory. A painfully beautiful memory left in history but never forgotten.

"Do you think I did the right thing?"

"If what you did gave you happiness, then you made the right decision."

Happiness.

It's such a big word. Some people have it too easy, some struggle to feel it's genuineness, some find it in the little things and some may have everything but it. Unfortunately, your happiness depends on one person. Your sadness depends on him too. You've lived in a life where everything that that person does affects your whole being. He has been a part of you, yet with him you'll debilitate.

Because Yoon Jeonghan is your kryptonite.

"I'm not happy. But I don't want to fool us anymore. I think it's the most clever thing to do."

"Sometimes, you have to experience pain in order to be genuinely happy." Even Junhui wants to commend himself for the cool words that just came out of his mouth. You heard his words clear and he was right. Maybe Jeonghan is a lesson that life brought you.

It all started last summer. You were strolling in the department store near your area when he grabbed your wrist and called you a name you never heard before.

"Younghee?" There is combined longing and shock in his eyes but you only returned it with surprise.

"I'm not Younghee."

"I know." He stuttered before putting his dreary gaze down. "Sorry."

You thought being mistaken for someone was pretty normal but then it occured again when school started. You were walking to the library with Junhui when someone grabbed your wrist again.

"Younghee,- you're not Younghee." He immediately let go.

"Oh, Jeonghan hyung." Of course you were weirded out but you decided to let it pass also because he is Junhui's friend. He introduced you to each other and that was the time he knew your real name.

Jeonghan is a kind and a warm hearted person not just to you but also to others. He has concern for other people and he tends to help a lot. He worries often too and that's the reason why he takes care of other people better. Even if he's usually nice to everyone, for some reason, the people around you think that Jeonghan still looks at you and treats you in a very special way. At first you tried to turn a blind eye on them but then you became more observant too and you somehow proved the truth in their words.

Jeonghan's eyes change when it's you.

For a time you tried to endure the awkwardness that you started to feel when you became aware of his actions but it was hard. It bothered you.

"Why are you so nice to me? Because I'm a hoobae? Or a dongsaeng?" You asked in the midst of doing your homework.

"No. Is there something wrong with it?"

"Just tell me. It's just that, I find it uncomfortable."

"I feel relieved and happy when I look at you." He smiled but you didn't get the meaning behind it.

"Why?" You stuttered and hesistated if you really want to hear the answer to your question but still you have to find out.

"You look exactly like someone very special to me. She died in a car accident two years ago." You dropped your pen as he stared at you. The peaceful library became even more silent. It was as if only the two of you were there and you just don't know what to say.

Younghee.

You've heard her name twice and you will never forget it. It's the name that introduced you to Jeonghan. The name that brings sadness to his eyes.

It all explains the times when he takes you to the park near their neighborhood just to eat ddokbokki. Before, you don't even know why. You don't even like ddokbokki that much. Only to find out from Seungcheol that it was something Jeonghan and Younghee always do. Still you put up with it because seeing him glad puts your heart at ease.

His actions became more acceptable for you after that. He has his reasons and it's all valid. That also explains the longing in his eyes everytime he looks at you. Like tears are always welling up in it. Tears that are always there but never fell.

But everything started to fall out of place when you accepted his reason. Sometimes you just look at him and wonder how he feels, how his untold stories sound. You didn't realize that you also started to see him as a very special person, way different from the others, because he is. He seemed so fragile and one thing you knew for sure is that you wanted to protect him. You wanted to be there to stop his unshed tears from falling and if they did fall, you wanted to be the first one to wipe them away.

It was difficult to stop yourself from falling for Yoon Jeonghan but it's way difficult to pretend that you don't know how he sees you. You were just a shadow of someone important to him. No matter how much effort you give, how much care you offer and no matter how many tears you shed, you are not you in his eyes. You are Younghee, the love of his life, his first and last, his one and only.

"I'm not her. Sorry."

Jeonghan knows but he chose to fool himself. There are many things that differ you from Younghee. Her presence healed his soul while yours challenged him and opened his life to new doors. She was calm and gentle, you are bold and dauntless. She was the serenity of the ocean and you are the warmth of the rose quartz sunset.

"You need her. That's the truth." Sometimes he wonders why Seungcheol always know better than him. He knows even the things he doesn't admit to himself. "And being stuck at the moment she left you wouldn't do anything."

"I never made her feel that way. I'm not even sure of myself. Now tell me how I'm supposed to make her believe that?"

"You should stop thinking if she'll accept it or not. For once, Jeonghan, just be true to yourself."

"I can't look at her without remembering Younghee!" Looking at you makes him feel her presence and that's difficult to change.

"Are you sure?" Seungcheol's question made him think twice. "Then who do you think of now? Her or Younghee?"

"I don't know."

"Of course you do. You just let your guilt win over you. Why? Do you think Younghee won't like seeing you happy with someone else? Younghee is not coming back."

"Enough."

"No, face it! And when she left, she never asked you to stop yourself from living. Moving forward and loving again is not forgetting the past, it's keeping the memories safe in your heart and living." Jeonghan kept silent. More than being confused, he's in denial and Seungcheol's words always make him contemplate.

"No one can replace Younghee. You know that!" His voice slightly cracked, feeling agitated that Seungcheol doesn't seem to understand his situation.

"Every person is irreplaceable, Jeonghan. But if you insist your side then maybe you can afford to lose someone again." Seungcheol returned with much conviction. The frustration he feels for his friend doubles when they try to dig the issue but he's not planning to stop knocking his head. If he has to punch him to wake him up then he will. "I hope you don't prove me right."

Jeonghan's mind never became peaceful since then. He kept thinking about Seungcheol's words and how right they were but everytime he does, he can't help but think of Younghee. She is still important to him and that will never change.

Days at school were barely bearable. There are times that he catches you at the cafeteria but he chooses to walk away. He doesn't want an interaction. He needs time away from you, to think. From afar he can still see the spark in your eyes but evidently, it faded, a lot. You looked happy. Junhui kept you company, as it has always been, and he made you laugh. It felt as though everything is back in it's proper place. Would he dare cut in and bring chaos again?

You are not okay. You just make yourself believe that you are. Every single thing that surrounds you reminds you of Jeonghan although you never see him around. You don't even know if seeing him would be better.

"Do you want to watch a movie later?"

"Free?" You beamed at him and he simply nodded. "Really??"

"That sounds insulting."

"What's with you?" Junhui just wanted to help you ease out a bit.

"I think I'm better in watching horror." His face is stern but you couldn't help but laugh at his remark.

"I doubt. Do you remember the horror house?" You went inside one last summer break with Seokmin and Minghao and Junhui's frightened, pale face is not something you could easily forget.

"That's different! We encountered actual ghosts there. This is just on screen. Plus Seokmin infected me with his cowardliness, I think." So far from what you have heard, Junhui is only giving himself and horror films false hopes. There's no way he's better. "So are you coming or not?"

"I want to but we have a club meeting later."

"Oh, right! I forgot." He somewhat looked disappointed. "I guess I'll just tail you there, again."

Not a tail but more like a shadow. He's always around everywhere you go. Most moments may it be good or bad, you spent with Junhui. He's like an obvious companion. Wherever you are, he's there. If he's not, he will definitely be there. He's someone you could trust your whole life with, the witness of your joy, success, pains and struggles. He saw how the bright and loud you were slowly devoured by the darkness of misery. You are imprisoned in the cell of agony and Junhui wants to help you come out. He wants the old you back.

Junhui sat at the cornermost part of the room looking so bored and uninterested but obviously tries his best to wait for you to finish. He stole glances of you from the side before smiling. Finally, you are starting to look happy. Even though that temporary happiness is not even half of the opposite feeling you have. You are aware that Junhui tries his best to accompany you in the midst of your issues so you try to be a bit more considerate in your reactions to show your appreciation. He is someone that you are always grateful for. Only few people have someone that is willing to be there no matter what.

Jeonghan, as he was passing by, accidentally caught a glimpse of the scenario from the room you are in. Once again, he felt his insignificance, his difference from Junhui. He internally hoped to have a bit of that patience and perseverance. If he only has the courage to face everything in front of him without being entangled with the past.

Jeonghan was so immersed in his thoughts, he hardly noticed that Junhui went out of the room from the other door and is quite observing him looking at his best friend.

"Hyung." Junhui muttered after clearing his throat.

"Jun."

"What are you doing here?"

"Just passing, I'm going home." Jeonghan shrugged off his unnecessary thoughts as he removed his gaze from you. He started to walk his way when Junhui grabbed his arm.

"Hyung," It's not the tone Jun used when he first called him. Jeonghan knows something is up.

Junhui gave him a sharp gaze. As if daggers are being thrown at him. Jun is a very gentle person but once the look in his