“Chan Chan!” I squealed as I entered the hall, running towards my brother with open arms.

He turned his head when his name was called and looked shocked to see me but I can see his lips widening to form a smile, “Seoyeon-ah!” he called, immediately opening his arm, welcoming me and spinning me around.

“When did you arrive?” he asked as he hugged me tightly, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“This afternoon,” I replied, still hugging my brother, “And it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, duh.”

We hugged each other for longer than a minute. It’s been years since I left Seoul to travel the world. Alone. At first my family was reluctant to let me go, but they did eventually after realizing that it’s what I really wanted. I guess it’s the first time Chanyeol’s seen me since then, which is not fair for him because I’ve seen him a number of times after I left. But it’s not my fault he’s all over the internet, right? He’s an idol, after all.

“Happy Birthday, oppa,” I whispered with a smile as I pulled away from the hug.

Chanyeol sighed, “I’m expecting a very special gift from you, Yeon. How many years did you miss my birthday again? Right. Six.”

“Excuse me, is my presence not enough for you?” I acted as if I was offended. I got him a good gift, alright.

I only realized the other members were standing around us when Chanyeol turned to them and introduced us to each other, “Guys, finally, the day comes when I get to introduce this little demon to all of you. This is my sister, Seoyeon, who thought it was fun to leave her family to travel the world.”

I rolled my eyes at his dramatic introduction but smiled to the other eight men standing near us, “Ignore this giant’s dramatic act, the travelling part was fun, but not leaving my family behind. I’m Seoyeon. It’s nice to finally meet you all.”

The leader, Suho, started to introduce himself and the others but I don’t stop him even though I already know who they are. I smiled looking at each of their faces and gestures when they are being introduced but my smile faltered when Suho introduced the last member. He was just standing there, the goofy smile can no longer be seen on his face, replaced by a permanent frown and a forced smile, one that I’ve seen enough for the past three years.

“Chanyeol has said so many things about you. It’s nice to finally meet his beloved sister,” Suho smiled gently.

“It’s getting tiring, actually. Like he doesn’t have anything else to say other than about you. No offense, it’s not that we’re tired listening stories about you. We’re just tired of listening to him talk,” Baekhyun teased the giant, who glared at him and attempted to hit the guy.

I smiled and joined Baekhyun to tease my brother, “None taken. I get it. He’s very annoying, right? It’s one reason why I left.”

“Yah! Why are you being mean to the birthday boy? I don’t deserve any of this,” he pouted like the baby he is. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that this man is older than me.

Did I mention that it’s actually Chanyeol’s birthday party tonight? It is! And I surprised him by coming home. Only my older sister knows about it. Talking about party, only close friends and family are invited, no reporters. It’s kind of private. He already celebrated the public one yesterday anyway.

“Seoyeon likes Sehun very much, guys. More than she loves me. All her messages from back then used to be about Sehun,” he bragged but I felt my heart stopped when he brought that up.

Forcing out a reaction out of myself, I smiled and rolled my eyes, “He’s exaggerating.”

“Hey, I’m not lying! He’s right in front of you, Yeon-ah!” Chanyeol teased, unaware of my tensing figure, “Why are you shy all of a sudden?”

“Shut up, Yeol. I’m not shy,” I gritted out, “I’ve stopped talking about him two years ago, didn’t I?”

“Right. Why’d you stop?” confusion filled his system.

I don’t answer. Instead, I looked away and found my sister and parents entering the hall and ran to them, my brother and EXO members following behind me to greet them as well.

“Dad!” I hugged my dad.

“Hey, princess. How are you?” he ruffled my hair when we pulled away, “And how’s… the world?”

I giggled, “It was great! You should’ve seen France from the Eiffel Tower. It was magical! Especially at night.”

“Next time, Seoyeon. We’ll go together,” my father smiled warmly.

Turning to my mother who had been unusually quiet, I smiled sheepishly, “Mom.”

“What?” she asked, sulkily. My childish mother.

“Are you still sulking?” I shook her arm gently, “I bought you the latest Louis Vuitton, though. Should I just throw it away?”

“Is Louis Vuitton really important right now?” she snapped, still sulkily but started to hit me lightly, “Aigoo, I told you not to leave, but you still did. You never listen to me.”

I chuckled and hugged her, trapping her arms so she could stop hitting me, “I’m here now, am I not?”

She rolled her eyes and looked away. I kiss her right cheek and whined like a baby, “Mom.”

My mother finally sighed, “You’re here now, so it’s alright.”

I smiled when she finally gave in. I knew she was never mad in the first place. My mother acts like a teenage girl sometimes, but she’s a true angel. The others chuckled at our interaction, relieved that no cat fight was going to take place.

“What about me? Did you buy me that limited edition Louis Vuitton too?” Yura asked from behind me.

“I did, alright.” I rolled my eyes at my older sister. She was the first person I saw when I arrived in Seoul as she was the one who picked me up at the airport. I also had lunch with her and bonded through the latest gossips and told her how exciting my travel had been. She then dropped me off to the hotel I’m staying in temporarily, which is actually in the same building as this hall where I’m in right now. I’m staying in a hotel for a while as they needed to clear out my room. Plus, I need to adjust to being in Seoul first before getting comfortable at home.

“I’m expecting more than a limited edition Louis Vuitton, Seoyeon,” Chanyeol spoke up, jealousy filling him as he sees me still hugging my mother.

“Be quiet or you won’t get anything other than a punch to your pretty face,” I threatened, showing him my face.

Kyungsoo snorted, “Like he can stay quiet for more than five minutes.”

--

I have interacted with the rest of EXO tonight. Except one. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just can’t bring myself to talk to the guy. I only replied to his questions with a one or two word reply or simply a head movement. I think he noticed that I’m not really comfortable with him despite Chanyeol telling everyone that he’s my favorite member in EXO. I’ve noticed his eyes on me the whole night. Hard and a bit distant.

What Chanyeol said was the truth. He is my favorite member and I did talk about him the whole time in our conversation through messages. I would always tell my brother about how I find his eye smile so cute, how I find his rainbow hair funny, how we share the same favorite drink; bubble tea, how goofy he was in certain shows, how I find his laugh attractive and a lot more. But I eventually stopped after EXO fell apart. Because Oh Sehun changed. Sure, my brother and the other members have changed too, but I find his change hurting me. He changed. It’s scary and it hurts.

I no longer see the eye smile that had me squealing every time, I no longer see his goofiness that always got me laughing when I didn’t even felt like doing so and I no longer see that smile that got me falling numerous time. He still smiles, yes, he does. But they aren’t sincere. The smiles and goofiness were replaced by a permanent scowl and a forced smile. He was more serious. Other people may find it mature and attractive but not me. In my eyes, he was only hurting himself and I don’t like it. I don’t like this change.

“I went to your concert in Tokyo last year and cried when you guys danced to One and Only. The water dance. It was so beautiful and meaningful,” I told Kai when the topic of concerts was brought up.

“You were there?” Chanyeol asked with wide eyes and pouted, “Yah! Why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve met!”

“Exactly why I didn’t tell you, oppa. I didn’t want you to see me so soon,” I smirked at him.

“That’s mean,” he pouted.

Like with everybody else, I got along with Kai, one of the quietest members besides Sehun and Kyungsoo.  I got along with Kyungsoo too. We bonded through talking about our hobby of cooking.

“Hey, I’m gonna get some air. It’s suffocating in here,” I excused myself, referring to the room filled with a lot of people now. It wasn’t only EXO who was invited but also other SM artists, EXO’s managers, Chanyeol’s co-actor and co-actress and his close friends from even before he debuted. He eagerly introduced me to each and every one of them earlier.

 “Alright, be careful and come back soon. Wear your coat, it’s cold out there!” Chanyeol hollered as I walked away from him and the group.

I did what I was told. I wore my coat and went out to the rooftop of the building. It was nice to see Seoul’s night life from above here. It’s even more calming because there was no noise. I enjoy being alone. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to travel alone right after graduating high school. Right now, I thought I will finally be able to breathe, away from people, from him. But boy was I wrong.

“Do you have a problem with me?”

I turned around to see the very person I dread to talk to. Oh Sehun. I frowned at his question, “No.”

“No? Are you sure? You were quite discriminative back there, it’s like you were avoiding me,” he stated with the famous scowl plastered on his face. Only, the scowl is deeper this time.

That’s because I am, I thought to myself before turning back to look at the view and replying to him, “It’s just your imagination. Can you just leave me alone?”

“You’re avoiding me.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. A finalized one.

I sighed, scowling to him, “Why would I? It’s our first time meeting.”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

My heart clenched. This is exactly what I meant. He’s bitter now. Different from the Oh Sehun who would always smile to the people he passed by on the streets, different from the Oh Sehun who would always treat people with his kindness. I don’t answer him and looked away as soon as I felt my eyes watering.

This is more painful than I had thought. Standing here in front of him and witnessing just how much he’s changed over the years, not being able to see the person he truly is but instead the person who was mad at the world.

“Please don’t talk to me,” I begged, trying to hold back the choking sensation.

“And why should I listen to you?” he asked, his arms crossed.

“If I told you I love you, will you stop talking to me, Oh Sehun?” I snapped, glaring at the guy, not bothering to hide my teary eyes anymore.

He stilled, shocked to hear my question, and then scoffed, “Love? Do you even know me?”

I gave him a bitter smile upon hearing his question, while tears rolled down my face, “I know right? I don’t. I thought I do, but I guess I was wrong.”

“So is that why you’ve been ignoring me the whole night and making me look stupid? Because you stupidly love me?” That stings.

“No. It’s not,” I shook my head, tears still falling, “I ignored you because I fell in love with Oh Sehun. But you’re not him. It’s hard to even look at your face. The Oh Sehun I fell in love with was nice. He was always smiling and rarely even scowled. He was playful and not serious. He was always laughing and carefree. But he’s dead now. And I don’t know where his soul went,” I said coldly despite the tears wetting my face, “His soul was replaced by you.”

I looked at him with every frustrations, disappointment, anger and hatred I have inside me and scoffed, “Drunk driving with a girl – girlfriend’s car?” I choked but continued, “Involved in a car accident due to speeding? Drinking until dawn? The Oh Sehun I fell in love with will never do these things. I know those are just rumors. I don’t know the truth. But do you know how much it hurts trying to think that it’s really not you? I wanted to trust that Oh Sehun was still alive, and he wouldn’t do that. But every time I look at your face, I got the feeling that the rumours were indeed true.”

“’Mr A’s worrying two faced behaviours’? I hated that one the most. Because it was true,” I smiled bitterly, showing just how disappointed I am in him. “You act so sickly nice on stage and in front of the cameras but when you’re not acting, you’re just plain stupid.”

“You speak like you know me when you don’t even know what I’ve been through,” he stated.

“You’re right. I don’t know what you’ve been through but it must’ve been painful, right? You know what else is painful? It’s seeing you change, not for the good but for the bad, and seeing you hide your true self under all the hatred and anger you’re feeling. I get it that you feel betrayed. I get that you’re mad at the world, Sehun, but that doesn’t mean you need to change yourself to someone you’re not. This – this is not you! What you’re doing right now, you’re just hurting yourself.”

“Shut your mouth! You don’t know anything,” Sehun grumbled, glaring at me, clenching his fist tight.

“I told you to leave me alone,” I reminded him what he didn’t listen and mocked him for his stubbornness for still trying to talk to me when I told him not to.

“Stop destroying yourself, Sehun. Stop destroying your reputation and your future. It’s going to do you no good,” I adviced him, ignoring his warning. “That’s right. I love you. It’s not even the fan type of love anymore. It bloomed way past that. I fell for your smile, your laugh. I fell for your idiocy. But I don’t even see any of that anymore. Instead, what I see is this cold guy who barely even smile to his fans. For months I’ve been asking myself why you changed this much. But when I started hearing the rumors about your drinking habits and your secret woman, I figured it out. It’s why you’ve been stressed. You must’ve hated yourself so much, didn’t you?” I mocked harshly. “I hate you too, Oh Sehun. I hate the person you’re becoming. You’ve become a coward. You wanted to talk to me so badly, didn’t you? Please don’t. I’m sick of you. Talk to me only when you finally figure out who you truly are,” I said coldly and walked past him to leave the rooftop, “Oh, and here’s one hint for you to begin with; Oh Sehun was never a jerk.”

I left him standing on the edge of the rooftop and slammed the door behind me. But even though I left him, I couldn’t stop my tears. Instead, I sobbed even harder, leaning my back against the wall.

I didn’t mean it when I said I hated him. I love Oh Sehun, I really do, but I hate the person he’s becoming now, because despite him knowing that he hurt himself, he didn’t know that it hurt me too. Other people might see his change as him becoming more manly, but they never saw past that. They see EXO Sehun, but not Oh Sehun, the real Oh Sehun that he is. Or was. I only tell him that I’m sick of him because I miss him.

He’s changed. There’s no denying that.  It hurts that I’ll probably never get to see his sincere smiles anymore, I’ll never get to see his playfulness like he used to be around all twelve members of EXO, I’ll never see him being playfully evil to his hyungs anymore. But I will see the true evil of Sehun.

It’s sad. Because I want the old Sehun back.

But what hurts the most is the fact that despite him being the cold and harsh person he is now, I still love him anyway, even though I know that he’s not Oh Sehun, because he used to be him.