staring at his reflection now in the mirror, sehun could barely recognize himself. was he the man he was two years ago? was he even the same person he saw in the mirror just last night? he doesn’t know, and he isn’t sure if he even wants to know. chanyeol is watching him as if he might break into pieces if he so much as blinked and sehun thinks he should be but all he could feel was that weight on his chest and then nothing else. so instead of saying anything, he inhales deeply and fixes the cufflinks of his dress shirt, makes sure his necktie sits perfectly around his neck, no single strand of hair or speck of dust on the black of his suit jacket. he has had months to prepare for this day, so why does it feel as though the world is about to end?

he could not, however, deny that he does look pretty good in his suit, hair slicked back and face fresh out of a good, long shower. he smiles at his own reflection and he could feel chanyeol’s gaze boring a hole into his back, as if waiting for him to finally break. he was long broken, though; he doubts he could break again. so instead of proving chanyeol right, he turns around to face his best friend with a smile in place, a hand brushing nonexistent dust off his shoulder. he has to stay strong even though he knows he could be the complete opposite with chanyeol. but he has had a good shower and shaven what little stubble he had, fixed his hair and spent a good amount of money on his suit; he isn’t going to let anything ruin it, not even himself.

“well,” chanyeol starts, his own suit jacket carefully folded over his arm and concern marking the crease between his brows. “you good to go, gumdrop?”

the nickname makes sehun soft, despite him complaining about it all those years ago. he’s learned to get used to it, knows that whenever chanyeol calls him by his name it means he isn’t too happy with sehun. he flashes his best friend a smile with a nod of his head, silently putting on his shoes before straightening back up. “yeah, i am. we should get going before we’re late.”

chanyeol doesn’t believe him but the older man doesn’t say anything else either, only nodded his head and leads them out of their shared apartment. sehun doesn’t trust himself with the car so he wordlessly lets chanyeol take the wheel. he stays silent during the drive to the church and chanyeol doesn’t try to strike a conversation. he stares out the window and watches the familiar streets and shops, green clearings that he’d spent so much time running across, houses and buildings he could walk to with his eyes closed. it’s sad to know that he’s grown up in this very neighborhood and now he wants nothing else but to get out of here.

they stop at the red light, the street sehun had crossed countless of times since he was a child and he tries not to look over at the café he had frequented, the very one he had met baekhyun. his heart clenches in his chest and he looks away, busying himself by focusing on the screen of his phone until he feels the car move again. he sighs softly and wonders how is it that what is supposedly a happy day turned out to be such a gloomy and depressing one for him. he wishes it would end already.

when he first got the invitation card, chanyeol had been the angry one, threatening to find both jongin and baekhyun to give them a piece of his mind but sehun had stopped him. it had felt like some kind of cruel joke, reading the names of both his ex-lovers on a wedding invitation card. he had long gotten over jongin but baekhyun was a fresh cut across his chest and sometimes when he closes his eyes he could still see baekhyun wrapped up in jongin’s arms when he should have been in sehun’s, in the bed he should be sharing with sehun instead of jongin, kissing a man that should be sehun.

for days he had cried himself to sleep; it hadn’t even been a full two months since he caught them together and he daren’t find out just how long they had been seeing each other behind his back. some days he regrets introducing baekhyun to jongin when they had bumped into the golden-skinned man two years ago. some days he thinks he doesn’t deserve either of them anyway.

most of the days, though, he thinks they belong together.

he doesn’t realize they’d reached the church until chanyeol clears his throat. the weight that’s been on his chest for the last few months grew heavier as soon as his eyes settled onto the church building but sehun manages to keep up the stoic expression he’s perfected over the years; the very one baekhyun said he had fallen for. he leaves the car with a slight frown on his forehead, eyes squinted a bit to shield from the glaring sun and he turns his back to everyone who are arriving as well for the ceremony.

chanyeol waits by his side after putting on his suit jacket but sehun spends another five minutes perfecting his collar, his necktie, the cufflinks again, almost as if he wanted to look presentable for the men he had once given his all to. perhaps he shouldn’t have come, that chanyeol was right and he didn’t have to but baekhyun had talked about his wedding day with so much enthusiasm, so much excitement. sehun only thought they would have spent this big day together. sometimes he thinks it’s his fault for not taking that next step. still, he never stopped caring about baekhyun and he thought he would put aside his own feelings and witness baekhyun’s big day.

“sehun-ah,” chanyeol calls and sehun quickly blinks back the sudden tears that are beginning to pool in his eyes. “we could get back inside the car and i’ll take you to your favorite ice cream place and pretend today isn’t happening. just say the word and we’ll go.”

sehun begins shaking his head, emitting a soft laugh as if that’s the most ridiculous idea he’s ever heard. “don’t be silly, hyung.” he says with another sigh, “we should head inside. it’s almost starting.”

chanyeol sighs but he doesn’t argue and sehun uses this time to step away from the car before he changes his mind. chanyeol tails him as he climbs up the steps into the church and though he was close to having a breakdown, sehun could not deny that he was impressed by the effort put into making this wedding as big as it could get. hundreds of guests are sat before the altar, all of them dressed in black and white to coincide with the theme of the wedding. he doesn’t know how long he took just staring at the scene before his attention is stolen by waving hands that he soon recognizes belonged to a few of his friends. his lips purse once he realizes they’re waving for him to sit with them by the front and when he looks over at chanyeol, the taller male asks silently whether he would like to.

deciding that there’s no more harm to be made, he only nods and walks swiftly towards the line of seats where his college friends are. there’s minseok and junmyeon and they pulled him to sit between them while chanyeol is dragged over the other side where he’s forced to sit with jongdae and yixing. he realizes kyungsoo didn’t show up and thought for a moment if he should have ditched as well. must be painful for kyungsoo too and his absence just reminds sehun that it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he had just taken chanyeol’s offer for that ice cream. it was too late for that now, though.

soon the bell marks the starting of the ceremony and sehun braces himself for what’s to come next. he doesn’t realize he was holding his breath when baekhyun starts walking along the aisle, having completely missed jongin taking place at the altar. baekhyun looks… well, nothing less than he always is; beautiful. even now with those painful memories and bad image, sehun thinks baekhyun looks ethereal. he wishes, for the briefest second, that he was the one standing in jongin’s place. he had pictured it at some point, proposing to him, stressing out about wedding plans, starting a family, maybe. and now watching him walk down that aisle pains him so much he couldn’t think to breathe, let alone return the smile he flashed at him.

once baekhyun reaches the altar, sehun doesn’t tear his gaze away from the sight. he couldn’t hear the vows they exchanged, couldn’t hear the thunderous applause that boomed throughout the whole church once they’ve sealed it with a kiss. he could hear his own heart breaking again and it surprises him that he doesn’t break out into tears right then and there. perhaps he had perfected the control over his tears as well.

he couldn’t find chanyeol to skip the reception, but he couldn’t find the energy to either, so he lets himself linger by the refreshments, popping small desserts into his mouth and completely missing the chance to escape the newlywed couple when they approached him. he wants to curl into himself and disappear, wishing the ground would open up underneath him and swallow him whole but instead the only option left for him to do is chug down the glass of champagne and smile at the couple.  

“sehun!” baekhyun greets him with a squeal, throwing his arms around his neck for a brief hug. there’s a spark in his eyes and light in his smile and sehun misses kissing him so hard he almost did right then. but he only manages a smile when baekhyun pulls away, attention averted to jongin when he offered a hand for a shake. when baekhyun speaks again, his voice has the bubbly excitement that sehun loved hearing. “we’re so glad you could come, sehun. it means a lot to us that you’re here.”

sehun parts his lips but it was chanyeol who spoke. his tone is sarcastic but there’s an almost genuine smile on his lips when sehun looks over to him. “why? so you two could rub it in his face that you guys are happy after the you pulled with him?”

“hyung,” sehun interrupts with a nudge to chanyeol’s arm and he turns towards jongin and baekhyun with an apologetic smile. “i’m sorry. congratulations, though.”

baekhyun looks taken aback but jongin spoke up instead. “thanks, sehun. but we meant it. that it means a lot to us that you’re here. we didn’t want to fall out with you after what happened.”

he doesn’t know what exactly it is that riled him up but the fact that he wasn’t talking to baekhyun just reminded him how hurt he was about everything. “i don’t actually plan on seeing you two ever again,” he says, and he hates the way his voice breaks. “i’m happy for you two but if you expect me to stick around and act like i’m some type of matchmaker then i’m sorry. i can’t do that. i can’t stay as your friends. and you wouldn’t understand why unless you’ve been in my shoes. congrats, again, but i’ll take my leave now.”

not waiting for either of the two to respond, sehun grabs chanyeol by his arm and drags him away. he’s silent as they both walk to the car and silent still when he slips into the passenger seat. he doesn’t know how to feel or what exactly to do but when chanyeol parks out by his favorite ice cream parlor, sehun doesn’t complain. the cold treat somehow doesn’t taste as good but they don’t talk about it until they’re both showered and cuddled on the couch, when chanyeol finally asked.

“so… where do you think you’ll go?”

sehun doesn’t give it much thought when he blurts out, “probably seoul, if the offer still stands.”

chanyeol laughs then, looking delighted that his original offer had finally been accepted. “you know it, gumdrop. besides, who’s gonna help me do the cooking if you don’t come with? it’s going to be new everything for the both of us.”

he isn’t completely ready but he would rather be somewhere else than be reminded, daily, of his heartbreak. he would rather leave than risk bumping into jongin and baekhyun. maybe in time he would heal, even if it takes a long time. and tonight he would probably cry again but there will come a day that he would look over at both the men who had broken his heart and not feel that twinge of pain in his chest. he couldn’t wait for it but for now he would mourn and then he would move.