"i hate you, i love you,
i hate that i love you,
you want her, you need her, 
and i'll never be her"

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Dear Jihoon,

I remember the exact day when I said yes. The day when I made the choice that I'd probably never forget up to the day I die. If you ask me if I'll say yes again, I probably would.

I had so many doubts about going to the show, I even questioned my decision but Joy unnie said that it's fun, to experience something an idol could barely do, it was dating publicly. She said that for once, she felt as if she was free, as if she was allowed to do the things she wanted to do without receiving people's judgemental stares.

The day of our first shooting day finally came. I was so damn nervous I almost throwed up. I can't stay calm and anxiety is taking over me. I had no idea as to who I'm gonna be paired up but one thing I hoped for, is to be paired up to any of my biases. Bias, bias group, I have a lot, so I had hopes that it would be one of you.

Camera started rolling and the staff told me to go to ***. They told me to stay calm and to just enjoy this rare experience but I just couldn't hide my nervousness. The drive going there was just me reminding myself not to ruin everything so that the shoot can finish early.

The car stopped sooner as I thought, and I saw you there, standing at the middle of the crowd, with your familiar back and your favorite neon shoelaces. I knew by then that it was you. I felt as if everything around me stopped, cliche but, it seemed like it was just the two of us there. Suddenly, a tear fell down my eyes and I couldn't feel my legs. I don't really know what I felt that time. As usual, you look so gorgeous. A staff asked me why I was crying. I couldn't think of an excuse I just told them I yawned lol.

We introduced ourselves into each other and wow, pretending to not know everything about you is hard. We did a lot of things and I can't believe how we got so comfortable with each other that soon. Our first day ended fast and I hate the fact that I had to wait for how many days to meet you again.

Every shooting day felt like a year for me. We did so many things together and I couldn't forget a single one of it. Remember that time when you introduced me to your members. What did I do in my past life to have you as my virtual husband and Wanna One members as my brothers-in-law? I still can't forget how you got jealous because I was losing my head on how gorgeous everyone is in person especially Ong Seongwoo. But I told you that it was nothing, that my heart only sees you. Remember also that time your dad called you. He said that you married a good wife. And that we were perfect for each other. Not just your dad actually. A lot of people told us that we're made for each other and that we should never let go of each other anymore. Remember also that day when we went to Jeju Island, that time when I tripped and got a scar on my knee. The worried look on your face made me so happy. That scary night when we entered a horror house, I told you I couldn't go in there because I'm scared, very scared plus it's hard for me to see things in the dark. But you were begging me to go and that you'd do anything for me in return. And so I did. I cried so much and couldn't catch my sleep because of how terrible of an experience it was. You were so sorry after that night. You said you didn't expect me to be that scared. You said you thought I was tough. But I wasn't, and you were sorry. You said you should've listened to me. That you shouldn't have pushed me to go. But I loved you even more after that. The sincerity in your eyes, in every words you said got me really hard.

And then comes the day when you had to meet my members. You were so cool that day. You're so shy but you did everything they asked you to do, you even answered all the questions they asked you about me correctly. It was a very fun day but somehow, I felt as if something wasn't right. But what is there that's wrong, maybe it was just in my head, I thought. After that day, something had change. It became awkward and I don't know how that happened. We weren't as close as we were back then. I couldn't come up with a reason as to why it happened. But weeks after that, it became normal again, and I was glad. Because I couldn't bare the awkwardness anymore, it's killing me. Do you recall that night when we attended an Exo concert? That night was so amazing and dang, having to share such great moment with you was a blessing for me. Everytime I go to an Exo concert, all I think about is to just enjoy myself, the beautiful ocean and of course Exo. But with you, i don't know. It was so different. I thought I'd be more normal but I was completely out of it, I probably looked like a fool. But you said I was cute, that you enjoyed every single second of me screaming and jumping and crying.

Everything felt so real, the way we laugh, the way you look into my eyes, the way you hold my hand, everything. Until one day, the day I woke up to this beautiful dream I never wanted to end. It was that one day when we had our promotions at the same time. As I went off backstage after my solo stage rehearsal, I saw you there, laughing like you never did before in front of me, with those beautiful eyes looking at her the way I look at you. I can feel your genuine happiness from the distance. You hugged her tightly like there's no tomorrow, the way I hug you. And then I saw who you're with. I couldn't believe my eyes at first. But I knew, and I was sure that it's her. The one you talked about in one of our shooting breaks. The one you told me your inspiration, the one who makes you happy, the one you thought can change the way you feel about the world. That '99 girl group member who you said matches well with your personality, the one I thought was me. The girl I wished was me. I never imagined that the girl you were talking about would be my best friend, my member, Yeri. That time I finally understood, why things became awkward after you met them. And wow, so this is how it feels. To break up with someone who you're never with, to let go of someone who never became yours. It sure hurts a lot. I know I shouldn't be crying at that time but I just couldn't control my emotions. My heart hurts so bad I couldn't breathe. I remember crying so bad, the next I remember is I was lying in an hospital bed, all the members looking at me, crying their eyes out. Do these girls know? What you did while I was not looking? Do they know how much pain I was going through that time? One thing I'm so sure was, Yeri knows how much I treasure you, how much I love you. But when I looked at her, she looked so innocent. She looked so pure, I couldn't hate her. I felt so much hate in myself for believing that all of the times I spend with you was real. I hate that I love you so much and that you were happy with someone that's never gonna be me. I hate myself for thinking that maybe, we had a chance, that finally after waiting for the longest time, I can finally be with you. But as they said, there are dreams that just cannot be.

I requested the staff to just end all this and just film our final episode because I just couldn't continue this anymore and I know that there's no sense in holding on too much to something that's bound to end. I love you, I love spending time with you. I am the happiest when I am with you, but I don't think I could look at you without thinking about how much you gave to me. No, how much pain I gave to myself. And I couldn't hurt myself anymore.

Last shooting day came, everything felt so surreal. I tried so hard to control my tears and to smile. Looking at you made me realize how much I love you and how much you made me happy in the short period of time. We both bid goodbye to each other and the shoot ended. As you walk away from me, my eyes are becoming heavier and I couldn't think of anything but to run and chase you. And so I did. At that moment, I couldn't keep my tears to myself anymore. I just wanted to feel you one last time, one last time before I leave it all behind. And I finally said it, the words I've been wanting to tell you since the beginning. Thank you so much and I love you so so much.

Thank you for the short time you spend with me. Thank you for the genuine happiness you gave me. All you said to me probably was on the script but to me, it means a lot. To have said it comfortably means you somehow mean it and feel it. That even just a bit, you were sincere because that's how I felt.

I love you so much. I love you with all my heart. I love you and you mean the world to me. I love you and I want you to know that, even just through this letter. I hope you're happy now, with her, and I know you are. I'll try to be happy for the both of you because I love you both and I want the best for the both of you. I love you and it hurts so bad. Do you remember the bet we made, if I go with you in the horror house, you'd do anything for me in return? I'm using it now, I hope you don't mind. I really wish you won't ever forget all the times we spent together, all the memories we had. I hope you won't forget about me. Because I'll never ever forget about you. I won't forget how you made me laugh with your silly jokes. I won't forget how you tried to cook for me even if cooking wasn't really your thing. I won't forget about us, even if it was just a dream, a really good one. I love you. I love you so much. I love you and good bye.


Sincerely yours,
Y/N