Spelling Happiness (end)

Spelling Happiness

Taeyeon watched the girl in front of her study the menu.

No, not girl. A woman. Taeyeon wasn’t sure how it had happened at all. Somewhere along the fourteen years they had known each other, Taeyeon must have blinked wrong because when she had looked again, a graceful, beautiful lady had replaced the eccentric kid that she had always liked to tease. Or maybe ‘replaced’ wasn’t the right word. She had grown around it, filled the space allocated to her in this life with curiosity and wisdom and heart. A singular miracle, really, considering the kind of environment she had grown up in.

But soon, she’d be out of there. So very soon.

The young woman seemed to have settled on her choice of drink and looked up suddenly. Catching Taeyeon’s eyes, she quirked an amused eyebrow.

“It’s funny how hard you’ve been examining the menu,” Taeyeon quickly said before the other woman could call her out for staring. “We both know you’re gonna get the same thing you do every other time.”

Seohyun leaned forward on the table with a cheeky smile. “Actually, I’ve decided to try something new today. It’s you who always have predictable orders, unnie.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. You have a few items for each store that you keep rotating between. You think no one notices, but I do.”

“There’s no escaping your eagle eyes, Enlightened One.” Taeyeon pressed her palms together as if in prayer and bowed, causing Seohyun to laugh and slap her arm.

“Gosh. What would the paparazzi think if they saw SNSD’s leader bowing to the maknae?”

“What would they think if they saw SNSD’s maknae hitting the leader?”

“It’d probably fuel those baseless rumours you guys started about me physically abusing you unnies in the group.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call them baseless…”

“Unnie!” Seohyun reached across the table to slap Taeyeon’s arm again.

“See? You can’t stop hitting me. Your violent tendencies have deepened over the years. I’m afraid the inner demon is slowly taking over your mind, Seohyun.”

Seohyun clicked her tongue in frustration, but luckily the waiter arrived in time to prevent the blossoming row at their corner table. After he took their orders, Taeyeon grabbed the chance to casually change the topic to how Seohyun’s parents were doing.

Their drinks were served shortly after. They got Taeyeon’s order wrong again. She had started to keep a running tally of the number of times ordering an Americano led to them delivering a Cappuccino or Latte instead. After a decade of her loyal patronage of the same café, Cappuccino was winning by a slight margin with a total score of 42, although Latte was following closely behind at 35. It was fascinating, really, how many mistakes they managed to make considering the café was never busy. And the coffee didn’t taste great, either. Yet, neither Taeyeon nor any of the members had ever complained out loud, and the horrible café had become their go-to place for quick meet-ups over the years.

 Seohyun at least got what she ordered, but grimaced nevertheless after her first sip of the suspiciously green liquid.

“Regretting trying something new?” Taeyeon flashed a teasing grin at the other woman, who shrugged.

“Well. It’s gross. But it could have been fantastic. There was no way I could have known beforehand.”

Taeyeon didn’t have a smartass remark to crack in response to that. She just nodded, eyes on the foam in her own cup of Cappuccino.

“Unnie.”

“Hmm?”

“I hope I don’t come across as blunt.”

Taeyeon laughed a little, looking up at her dongsaeng. Over the years, Seohyun had not become less blunt in the slightest. She’d just learned to preface her blunt statements.

“Go on.”

“I’m just glad. You seem to be taking this whole thing well.”

This whole thing. It took Taeyeon a second too long, but she managed a smile when she responded. “I’m not that emo, you know. Besides, you won’t be too far away. I can still call you and treat you to horrid green drinks whenever.”

“’Emo’ makes it sound bad, unnie. Some people are just more prone to negative feelings than others. That’s just how our brains work. And, also, I wasn’t referring to me leaving when I said this whole thing.”

Taeyeon shook her head with a chuckle. Leave it to Seohyun to be so direct. While Taeyeon was aware that the other girls had been watching her cautiously as well, none had confronted her about the issue. She used to hate it, being the cause of their worry when she was supposed to take care of the group, but she had learned to accept it by now. It wasn’t their fault. They only treated her like an emotional timebomb because she did act like one now and then. Sometimes, she would be able to channel her feelings to the stage, letting them burst out of her small body in words and melodies and the fans’ hearts would be swept up in the heat of the explosion. But when she exploded off-stage, off-camera, it usually wasn’t pretty, and somehow the girls, who had witnessed it all, weren’t scared of her, didn’t hate her for it, didn’t avoid her. They just worried. Taeyeon would be ungrateful to ask for more.

“I guess I always knew this day would come.” Taeyeon looked out the window at the deserted street. A lonely biker glanced left and right before running a red light.

“It’s coming a little too soon, though, isn’t it?”

A wry smile graced Taeyeon’s lips. The light had turned green now, although there was no traffic. The street was so still, time might have frozen outside the café for all Taeyeon knew.

“It’ll always be too soon, Seohyun.”

========

Taeyeon laughed along with everyone as Sooyoung screeched out the high note at the of the song ‘Tears’. Yuri tried to sing the next line but just ended up sitting on the floor laughing, clutching her stomach. Hyoyeon, on the other hand, was unfazed and belted out the last chorus of the karaoke classic as if it was a heavy metal song, head-banging and screamo and all.

Taeyeon found herself wondering when she would get to witness a scene like this again. Shaking her head as if chasing a fly, she grabbed her half-empty beer from the coffee table. This was supposed to be a happy night. She wasn’t going to let any sober thought ruin it.

“All right, that was Soo-Hyo-Yul showing you an example of how not to sing ‘Tears’”. Yoona stood up and announced like the emcee no one asked her to be. After expertly dodging the empty drink cans thrown at her by the unofficial subunit SHY, Yoona continued with the show. “Next up, her charming voice has been described as sultry, velvety, jelly-like, and too loud for the average human ear, Hwang Miyoung-ssi is here to steal your heart with ‘Love is You’ by K.Will.”

Tiffany smacked the emcee hard on her side on her way to the front. In the audience of seven, Sooyoung had started to complain about Tiffany ruining the mood with a ballad song, which Tiffany acknowledged by sticking her tongue out. Taeyeon snorted at their antics. Maybe they were still twenty, twenty-one after all, celebrating ‘Gee’s ninth win, and Taeyeon had only imagined all the years that followed.

“Tae. Come on.”

The bottle of beer paused on Taeyeon’s lips. She raised her eyebrow questioningly at Tiffany.

“What? The song’s not a duet or anything.”

“It is what we make it. Hurry up and come ‘ere!”

Taeyeon stared dumbly at Tiffany’s outstretched hand for a moment before someone snatched the beer out of her own hand and pushed her to her feet. It might have been Sunny. It was probably Sunny.

The ground swayed when she stood up, letting her know she’d had one beer too many. But when Tiffany flashed one of those eye-smiles and Taeyeon’s heart leapt at her ribcage painfully, Taeyeon thought she might have been one or two beers away still from being ready for this.

Tiffany started the first verse, ignoring Sooyoung’s residual protests and Yuri's suggestions that they should get a room. Taeyeon focused her drunk mind as best she could on Tiffany’s singing amidst the rowdy atmosphere. Her spirit hung on the edge of Tiffany’s words, soaring and falling in time. There was nothing quite like Tiffany's voice in the whole world. That she’d stop singing, even just for a few years, was such an ugly thought.

Taeyeon soon joined in at her duet partner’s cue. By the second chorus, the room had fallen quiet, the world had fallen quiet, and Taeyeon had forgotten it was someone else’s words she was singing. She put her all into it, singing more seriously at the karaoke machine than she had done in front of 50,000 fans in Japan’s most prestigious performing arena. Suddenly, for Tiffany to doubt her sincerity for a single moment seemed like the worst thing she could imagine.

When the high notes came, Taeyeon closed her eyes and saw her past. Bobbed hair, chubby cheeks, innocent eyes.

She opened her eyes and saw her present. She would be lying if she said nothing had changed, but she nonetheless took comfort in the fact that not everything had.

=========

Hi! Nice to meet you! My name is Stephanie. I hope we’ll be having lots of fun as roommates.

Hello, err, Ppani-ssi. I’m Taeyeon.

=========

Can you believe it’s tomorrow?

I can, actually. Took long enough.

You’re not scared at all? I want to vomit just thinking about it.

Hey, I’ll be up there with you. Just look for me when you’re unsure. Unless you need to vomit for real. If so, please look for the nearest bin instead.

=========

Does it hurt?

No.

Then why are wincing?

It hurts just a little.

Why the hell did you get on the bike if you didn’t know how to ride it?

I figured it can’t be so hard.

You gotta be more careful. I won’t always be around.

But I’m glad you were this time. Thank you for taking care of me, like always.

You would have done the same for me.

I will. And that's a promise.

=========

This is our fourth year, right? Or is it fifth?

What kind of math did they teach you back in the States? We debuted two years ago, dummy.

I don’t mean ‘our’ as in SNSD’s. I mean us, our.

Oh. Oh. I guess it is our fifth year.

Happy fifth anniversary!

Hah. Happy fifth anniversary.

=========

How could you say something like that?

Well, what do you want me to say?

I thought you understood what I was going through, but I guess you’re just like everyone else.

It’s not anyone else’s fault. You can’t go around never expressing yourself and expecting people to understand you!

I don’t have the energy to deal with this anymore.

Me neither!

Fine!

Fine.

========

Hey, wanna go get dinner?

You go ahead.

Come on.

I’ll eat later.

I won’t believe you unless I see you do it.

I’m not five and you’re not my mom.

No, but whenever you’re like this it’s like I can’t even smile for the whole day.

Tae?

Fine. Let’s go get dinner. I’m choosing the restaurant this time. And Ppani-ah?

Yeah?

Smile.

========

I was thinking, since my parents are in another city, and your family’s in another country…

Yes! Let’s move in together!

Wow, okay.

Yay. Did Sunny say to you she was looking for a place too?

Yeah. The more the merrier. But, for real, aren’t you tired of living with me by now?

Not as long as you’re not tired of living with me.

========

So, have you thought about it?

Hmm?

What I told you four days ago.

Oh.

You said you needed time to think.

I did.

And?

You should do whatever makes you happy.

You’re not mad at me, right?

Of all the feelings I have about your decision, anger is not one of them.

I’m sorry.

Don’t be.

Thank you.

It’s cool.

I just want you to know I-

I know. Trust me. I know.

========

That night, after their karaoke duet, Taeyeon slept in Tiffany’s room. Under the shared blanket, Taeyeon lay on her side, while Tiffany was on her back but had her face turned towards Taeyeon’s. A few years ago, they would have cuddled, acting the parts of two kids at a sleepover, but they had been younger then. As it was, Taeyeon left an inch of breathing space between their bodies and anchored her dwindling consciousness to the steady warmth Tiffany emitted – like the rays of sunlight never to hold in her hands, only to feel on her skin.

=====

The day finally came a week later.

Taeyeon was wide awake when her alarm rang. It was the first moment of a new day and she was already drained. Even just reaching out to turn off the alarm seemed to require too much effort. She remained curled up under the sheets for long minutes, but her heart ran marathons all the while, reminding her that this wasn’t a dream she could sleep off.

When Taeyeon finally got out of her room, Tiffany was in the middle of a call in the kitchen. The simple sight caused Taeyeon to pause. She had memorized it all, even the angle at which Tiffany’s head tilted to sandwich the phone between her shoulder and cheek. The restless pacing and wild hand gestures that the person at the other end of the line couldn’t see. Soon, Taeyeon realized, she would be the one on the other end of the line instead of here next to her in person.

“Yeah. All right. You know, I wasn’t expecting you to call but…” Tiffany stopped for a beat and switched to English, “Thank you. It really means a lot to me. Really,” and back to Korean again, “Anyway, it was really nice talking to you. I hope we can meet soon. Yeah. Great. Bye.”

Tiffany turned around and spotted Taeyeon across the kitchen. She smiled, as warm and welcoming as ever.

“Need help packing?” Taeyeon offered, feeling awkward all of a sudden.

“Thanks. I’ve finished already.”

“So you’re leaving the vase and all these decorations?”

“Uh huh. If you guys hate it so much you can take it down later yourselves.”

“Yeah, do check your mail regularly. I might be sending that awful throw cushion over soon.”

“Jerk, that was the product of my first attempt at sewing.”

“It is very obviously the first attempt.”

Tiffany tossed the said cushion at her best friend but couldn’t help a laugh. Taeyeon was amazed at herself for how easily she had fallen into their little bantering routine when, inside, it felt as if she was crumbling with every second that passed. She perched on a stool at the kitchen counter and watched as Tiffany shuffled about the apartment, checking if she had forgotten anything. Taeyeon felt pathetic for wishing it, but nonetheless wished that scene would stretch just a little longer, just so she could look at the woman walking around, opening drawers, and mumbling to herself for a while more.

But moments had to end, inevitably turning into memories. Taeyeon supposed she should be glad. At least, then, she could keep them with her.

“You sure you don’t wanna go with us to the airport?” Tiffany asked when her ride arrived at the building. “There’s still a seat left in the car.”

“Nah, it’s fine. Just call me when you get there.”

Waiting downstairs were Tiffany’s dad and sister. They were in Seoul mainly to visit some relatives, but who better to Tiffany back to her home in the States? Truth be told, Taeyeon was afraid she would have no place in their family car, whether there was an empty seat or not.

“I guess this is it, then,” Tiffany said, surrounded by her bags and suitcases as the two of them stood in the first-floor lobby of the apartment complex.

“I guess so.”

Tiffany gave another smile, not her signature eye-smile, but a gentle one that she only reserved for a few people. She stepped forward and pulled Taeyeon into a hug, squeezing out any distance, regret, resentment, hurt that had ever stood between them over the fourteen years they had spent growing up together.

As Taeyeon closed her eyes and inhaled Tiffany’s scent, she wondered what would have happened if she had asked her to stay instead. Tiffany being Tiffany wouldn’t have changed her mind regardless of what her boss, fans, haters, family and friends thought. But it was different when it came to Taeyeon, who didn’t exactly fall into any of those categories. Taeyeon knew she had that power. Tiffany might have stayed for another two years, maybe four, if Taeyeon had so much as urged her to reconsider. But Taeyeon couldn’t have done that. There was nothing she would have hated more than being responsible for Tiffany’s unhappiness in any way.

Neither did she give Tiffany any extra push to leave Korea and follow her new dreams, because Taeyeon didn’t want to be responsible for her own misery either. She had just left it up for Tiffany to decide, and Tiffany had decided to go.

“Thank you, Taeyeon. For everything.”

Taeyeon felt arms tighten around her. She finally managed to raise feeble arms and return the favour. Each time they had hugged, Tiffany had felt a little different in her arms. Over the years, sometimes she had been skinnier, sometimes chubbier, wearing a variety of clothes, changing her perfume every now and then. But the heat that swelled up in Taeyeon’s chest at the contact, one that was equal parts painful and soothing, that had been unchanging for more than a decade now.

For some people, love was sweet kisses, lingering goodbyes, flowers and chocolates, promises, spending every second of every day together, wrapping your arms tightly around the person you cherished as much as life itself and saying the three reassuring words, “I love you”.

For Taeyeon, love was opening her arms again to release Tiffany from her embrace and stepping back with a smile. Keeping the tremble from her voice when she said the two words, “Take care.”

Love was thinking back on all those good times and all those bad times as she watched the retreating car. Remembering the days her heart had broken before reassembling its pieces into something better, bigger, more whole, more worthy of a love unconditionally given.

Wishing Tiffany all the happiness in the world even though Taeyeon wasn’t sure when, if ever, she herself would feel okay again.

And returning to the empty apartment and seeing the world dim a shade.

Love was hearing her heart whisper that yes, she would do it all over again.

 

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Kezziebitcrazy #1
Chapter 1: As deep as Mariana Trench
YoruNoTenshi
#2
Chapter 1: This was so sweet! I Love their relationship so much
hoihung #3
Chapter 1: I cried when reading this, i think i need another box of tissues ㅠㅠ ㅠㅠ ㅠㅜ , n yes i miss taeny... and i love ur writing style, it's full of emotion
Keiko_ney #4
Chapter 1: ??? I miss taeny...no taeny anymore.. ????
syahirah309 #5
Chapter 1: I really miss them very much!!! :"( :'(
leoheart
#6
Chapter 1: Taeny doesn't really have to be lovey dovey. Their friendship is precious to them and fans alike. There are so many things about them I'd like to learn about but I guess that's between them. Your story's view on them is beautiful
13luvsfriday
#7
Chapter 1: Acceptance damn
I miss them so much