HANHAHAKI

Prompt -- Jongin realizes that not all love can be returned when Junmyeon shows him what true love is.

Sehun realizes his own love a little too late.

Note (s) -- Because I think sekai can be passionate angst and sukai a gentle, ideal couple? And it's not my fault that angst is my buddy instead of fluff.

And maybe I am fascinated by this fictional disease

H A N A H A K I?

Read on AO3.

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”

– Alexander Graham Bell

****

The first time Jongin coughed the red petal was in front of his bandmates. They were shocked from what Jongin remembers, watching their reactions with his blurred eyes but it didn't take long for him to run out of the living room and hide inside the one he shared with Junmyeon and Sehun.

It wasn't exactly what he wanted. That wasn't the way he thought his bandmates would find out that he was suffering inside just because the one he loved, loved someone else.

He was living with five other guys but he was alone… because Hanahaki was not exactly he thought he would suffer from.

*

Junmyeon first coughed when he saw that sad look on Jongin’s face, pink petals fell out of equally thin pink lips. Jongin was sad and so was Junmyeon. Junmyeon thought that it was barely a concern for his fellow younger bandmate, however, it was more than simple concern for someone he always thought was his younger brother.

It was love and it happened every single time when he died from insides in love for Jongin, only to realize that he already fell for someone else. He didn't know who the man was, the exact object of the younger’s affection.

Ever the gentleman he was, he suffered alone instead of pulling Jongin with him in the same misery.

But love was something he'd always underestimated.

****

“You know I am always there for you, right?” Junmyeon uttered catching Jongin’s attention. His voice was neither stern nor did it sound like a parent but friendly. Jongin only nodded once and then again, before looking ahead. Junmyeon followed his gaze, frowning a little when it settled on Sehun and Irene. They were getting really close and if Junmyeon was right, the company will surely confirm their relationship soon.

It didn't take long for him to understand who Jongin loved when Sehun suddenly kissed Irene and the red petals fell out of the younger’s mouth. Jongin tried to hide it, covering his small mouth with both of his palms, and within a second ran away from there, eyes wide and moistened.

The only thing Junmyeon did was watching as Sehun kissed Irene, wondering if there was any possibility of him kissing Jongin breathless as Sehun was doing to Irene.

It didn't take long before his own petals fell out of his mouth, but more than himself he was sad for Jongin.

“Ever the gentleman” Jongin’s words ring in his head. It was just a small remark that Jongin made when Junmyeon had pulled him into his arms and carried him to their shared dorm room when he'd hurt his ankle during one of their intense dance practices.

*

It was late at night when they were binge-watching. Jongin was sitting beside Sehun, not that Junmyeon didn't know that he will but it still ended him being hurt to the core. Sehun behaved strangely when he was alone with Jongin, Junmyeon noticed. The youngest of them all would curl around Jongin, almost caging Jongin in his arms as if shielding him from any physical harm. It was funny, there was no one but them just bandmates.

Jongin was not paying attention to anything else but Sehun. His cheeks were a beautiful shade of red, soft pink hair covered his forehead, slightly falling on his soft brown eyes. Eyes trained on Sehun for a few seconds before looking down at the strong arms that were caging him in, holding his tiny waist as if he were fragile. Soft gasps left his lips every time when Sehun would look down, only to smile gently at him before kissing his head.

Junmyeon envied Sehun. A lot. It was just so natural for Jongin to get attached to him and Sehun unconsciously will play with his heart only to break it into a million piece in the end.

Not even ten minutes later, Sehun’s phone ringed and with a smile he walked out. It was Irene and Junmyeon followed the way Jongin broke not just mentally but physically too. Jongin’s eyes were trained on Sehun’s retreating back and Junmyeon’s on Jongin’s hunched form. Keeping his own thoughts aside, he crawled toward Jongin and nudged him with his nose getting his attention back on him. Jongin only smiled, a little broken but still sincere and beautiful with blurred eyes.

Jongin didn't ask him to cuddle him but Junmyeon did anyway. He sat behind Jongin and hugged him from behind. Within a few seconds, Jongin leaned against him.

Jongin slept on him that night. His soft, pink hair poking his chin when he realized it and watched as his other bandmates knowingly smiled at him, covering both of them later with the soft blanket Jongin brought as a gift for Junmyeon one year ago.

*

Junmyeon knew that his efforts wouldn't be futile enough but he was hurting from insides. Jongin was suffering too but Sehun seemed oblivious enough to not know that.

Junmyeon decided to let Jongin know even though he knew that rejection is what he will receive in return.

And he did.

“You know, it hurts to love someone?” Junmyeon asked getting a small nod in return. It was late at night, probably more than twelve already but they were still standing near the railing of their dorm balcony, sleep nowhere close to them. “And when it's not returned, it hurts more?” He added, a painful sigh came out of Jongin’s mouth and Junmyeon gulped. He didn't want Jongin to feel the pain, Jongin didn't deserve it.

“Why are you telling me all this, hyung?” He nearly missed Jongin's quiet whisper of “as if I don't know” if not for the deafening silence around them.

“Because I love you and it hurts so bad.”

The only thing Jongin did the next second was cry and he looked so fragile and broken at that moment that Junmyeon, despite being in pain himself, hugged him closer to his chest, tightly as if shielding him from any kind of possible pain around them.

“I-I am so… sorry.” Jongin chanted as if it was his fault to fall in love with Sehun and for breaking Junmyeon’s heart with his own stupidity.

****

Either it was that Junmyeon was always this caring and Jongin never noticed before or maybe it was that Junmyeon started caring for him more than before which wasn't possible because Junmyeon always cared, not just for him but for everyone around him.

Like early mornings when they have dance practices and he doesn't want to get out his lovely bed and Junmyeon would gently pull him out, help him bath if there's any time left and then will feed even if he doesn't want or allow him to lean on his shoulder when he would feel sleepy after the practices.

It's not happening for the first time, it's since they became a group or maybe even before that, during their training years.

It's just that he's started noticing it now, after Junmyeon’s confession.

*

“Do you think if I were a girl he would've accepted me instead of Irene?” Jongin suddenly asked Junmyeon one time, late night, yet again. “I-I mean… should I start dressing up as a girl? You know Sehun once said that I would look good and more beautiful as a girl! Should I?”

“Don't be ridiculous.” Junmyeon slightly snapped. Now it's not exactly his fault, he was talking about Jongin’s love for someone else when he loved Jongin and top of that when Jongin already knows that he does love him. It sounds funny to him -- dress up as a girl? What is he even thinking? “If you want to give him some kind of kink to play in his bedroom. Then yeah, you should.” It was harsh but the words were already out of his mouth and there was nothing he could do now.

And then he was out of there.

Jongin curled, wrapping his arms around himself as he looked up at the starry night sky. He was in love with Sehun and there was no way for him to feel Junmyeon’s love or for him to fall in love with Junmyeon. The only thing he could feel was Junmyeon’s pain and yet he was hurting his older bandmate.

Jongin was exactly in a deep and he was pulling Junmyeon along with him, he realized as warm tears fell out of soft, brown eyes.

*

Months passed in nothing but one-sided love for the two bandmates. Junmyeon, despite snapping at Jongin just a few months ago, cared for Jongin -- as if silently hoping Jongin to return the feeling. It was not possible, Jongin was already in love with Sehun and there was no chance of him falling for Junmyeon now.

It was too late.

Or at least it seemed like that.

14 February brought the news of confirmation of Sehun and Irene’s dating rumors by the company itself and then a few days later by the idols too.

And two months later, an unexpected decision of Jongin brought huge shock for Junmyeon.

“Surgery? Jongin, you know-”

“I am tired of waiting, hyung. I am tired of crying only to know that Sehun will never feel what I feel for him. It hurts so badly. Here…” He points toward his heart. “Whenever he asks if I am alright, it feels as if he's mocking me. And whenever Irene laughs it feels as if she's… laughing at me, hyung and it hurts so badly.”

“You… Jongin, you know after that…”

“I don't even want to feel anything for him, hyung. I don't want to die without being loved in return.”

It was plain and simple, Jongin wanted to move on.

*

Junmyeon didn't stop showering Jongin with his own love. For Jongin it was easy to laugh now.

He was now no more bonded with Sehun in the feeling called love.

He was smiling more, laughing more and shying with every little thing Junmyeon would do to woo him. Slowly but surely Junmyeon’s feeling was returned, the only sign was that he was no more coughing petals.

A few months later Sehun broke up with Irene. The company didn't confirm the news about the two idols breaking up, but most of the population already knew that. “She is saying, I don't love her anymore. Because I love someone else.” Sehun had said one day while drinking with his older bandmates. “She thinks I don't love p-ussy anymore. Funny, ha! She says I always talk about… Nie with her. And it frustrates her.” He'd shrugged after saying that, choking on a sob later. Junmyeon was glad that Jongin wasn't there, instead was sleeping in Junmyeon’s bed with the Pororo plushy he brought for the younger male a week ago.

*

The first time Sehun coughed petals was a month after his breakup with Irene when he accidentally saw Junmyeon f-ucking Jongin against their shared dorm room's wall. The petals were red.

-The End-