Four

Human Touch

"I realize you haven't told me a lot about yourself." I said to Donghyuck while we were in the library. It was free slot that day, so he had the bizarre idea to catch up on some reading. And like that, we headed towards the tower of books. As we walked, there were numerous times his arm bumped into mine. Usually when things like this happen, I'd begin to get nausea and have trouble breathing.

Now when it only came to him, I felt completely fine with it

I cocked my head, "What do you wanna do in the library?" He looked at me as if it was a nonsensical question. 

"Duh, to read." he had answered.

"I didn't know you could read."

He proceeded to punch me in the shoulder, "Buzz off, Lee."

He headed straight into the fiction corner, and examined the many volumes on display. When we both picked our materials, he produced two highlighters from his pocket. "I say we play a game. It's called Battle Of Quotes."

I raised an eyebrow, "How do you play it?"

"It's simple," he continued. "We search for quotes we think are super deep, highlight them and try to explain its meaning to the other person. Let's see who's the best Plato extraordinaire?"

"I don't think it's right to highlight public property-" I already saw him judging me, I sighed. "I'm in..."

And so we read through the book we both picked. I selected Paper Towns by John Green while he read Catcher in the Rye by J.D Salinger. Whenever I found something good to share (there were lots, I just didn't know how to explain it) I highlighted it with the neon yellow highlight. 

"Hey, listen to this," I started off. "'I'm starting to realize that people lack good mirrors. It's so hard for anyone to show us how we look, and so hard for us to show anyone how we feel.' It means right now, no one really understands how another feels and they just  blindly stereotype people with what they want to see and desire."

He grinned, "There you have it, the story of your life. Now my turn," he cleared his throat. "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

"What does that mean?"

"Comes to show why I never reveal my background, makes me more mysterious - at the same time, makes me avoid missing people when I shouldn't." he turned to his book before I could ask him more. "Your turn."

I flipped a few more pages, "'If you don't imagine, nothing ever happens at all.'"

He rolled his eyes, "Really? That's like the most common of all sunshine quotes." he opened his book. "'I hope to hell that somebody has the sense to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddamned cemetary. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.'" then he seemed to be thinking really intensely. 

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say regarding that saying, why would Donghyuck think that was a great quote. I cleared my throat, "I kind of get it though, who would want flowers when they're dead-"

"It's true, isn't it?" he turned to look at me, his eyes dazed. "It's better to die any other way than have your body buried in some stupid graveyard for it to rot with the maggots, right? I mean, it's just taking up space. It's just a sad sight to see for the people who care, then they'd lay their useless bouquet of forget-me-nots on those tombstones then cry a river of tears. It's just...stupid." he said.

I had a feeling he was trailing off, and I didn't know how to react. "Um, Donghyuck, are you okay-"

"Your turn." he said abruptly. 

I narrowed my eyes, "I don't-"

"Just read it." he snapped all of a sudden.

I gulped and quickly flipped the pages, "Er, 'It's so hard to leave - until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.'" I glanced at Donghyuck. Once again, he seemed to be distracted. Nonetheless, he caught what I was saying.

"What does that mean to you?" he asked in a flat tone.

"Well the way I put it, it's like the first time I had to leave for Larson House," and it was the truth. "I hated that idea at first, and I still hated this place when I came here. But then after six months, I kinda got used to it. I got used to your significant annoyance too." I laughed at that statement, expecting him to refute me with his sarcasm. 

But he was quiet.

I frowned, "Donghyuck?" I hopped off from the top of the table and walked over to him. He seemed to be in his own world, unmoving and distant. It was not until I shook his arm. "Hey!"

"H-huh?" he blinked. "D-did you say something?"

"What's the matter with you? Something's different about you today." I said. "You can tell me, you know."

He laughed it off, "You're imagining things, Lee. It's my turn now, right?" he flipped the pages of Catcher in the Rye. The way he acted now was usual, but I swear there was something odd about his behaviour. So I snatched the book away from him and threw it to the ground. He frowned at me. "What the hell, Mark Lee?"

"What the hell's wrong with you, that's the question," I grabbed his arm. "You're acting weird, more than usual. I asked you about yourself, a serious question and you tried avoiding it. I'll ask you again, where do you live?"

He jerked, "Why do you need to know? I have my right to not tell everything about me to you."

"I have a right to know when you seem to be keeping secrets that shouldn't be kept!" I replied and raised my wrist. "We made a promise, don't break it now."

"I think you should be a person of your own words," he snapped. "You don't know what's going on in another person's life until you crawl around their own skin and see things from their perspective."

"Then let me see things from your perspective then." 

He shook his head, "I wouldn't recommend that. You'd go insane if you see what's going on in my head." and he ran out of the library. 



There had to be something wrong with him. 

The longer time passed, the more distant he was from me. I would walk into our room, and he wouldn't be back until everyone was asleep. I'd hide under my covers and pretend to keep my eyes closed when the door creaked open. I noticed he had a tendency to stay cooped up in the library until twilight, and continue his reading in the dorm with his flashlight after that. 

He was obsessed with Catcher in the Rye.

The circles under his eyes were more prominent day by day, now we seemed to have swapped places. He was the one looking like a phantom now, I was getting worried. Come to think about it, there was a lot I didn't know about him. During all the support group sessions, he was the only one who would avoid telling his diagnosis and laugh it off with stupid jokes so that everyone would shrug it off. Even Doc didn't seem to mind, it was as if he had turned a blind eye. 

I knocked on Doc's office door, it was located in the attic of Larson House - rarely people went up there. Doc was the one who usually came down to check on us and our shenanigans. I knocked again, growing anxious. Finally, he opened the door. 

"Mark?" he said, clearly he wasn't expecting to expect at his front door. 

"Good day, Doc," I greeted awkwardly. "M-may I come in?"

"Uh, sure," he answered before giving way. "Come on in." He wore a sweater today, brown with a head of deer sewn onto it. Doc always dressed as if he couldn't wait for Christmas to arrive. His office didn't seem like an office at all, there was no study desk or decks of files. Bean bag chairs were on display near the window of the attic, beside a coffee table piled with messy stacks of novels and magazines. He told me to have a seat, while he went and poured some hot chocolate for both of us. 

"Autumn's my favourite season," he said nonchalantly. "If I could, I'd want it to be autumn all year long."

"Me too, Doc," I replied. 

He took a sip from his mug, "So, what brings you here? I don't think you've come to consult me about Louis Armstrong's greatest hits, right?"

I pursed my lips, "It's about...Donghyuck, Doc."

He frowned, "Donghyuck? What about him?"

"The more I get to know him, the more secrets I feel that he's keeping," I said. "He doesn't tell anyone his illness like everyone else does, sometimes it's like he's just distracted. I don't know if it's just me, Doc, but I really think something's going on with him."

Doc grunted, "Now Mark, it's important for you to know how to give people space - respecting Donghyuck's decision to not tell you about his sickness is one of the examples-"

"He's acting weird, Doc." I cut him off, I knew it was rude but I had to. "I'm serious about this. I'm worried about him."

He raised an eyebrow, "Why are you so worried about him, Mark?"

"Because..." I thought about it. "-'cause he's my friend, and I don't want to regret not trying to make things better for him - when he helped me out."

"I know he helped you out, or you wouldn't be okay with him touching you right?" a smug smile was on his face. "Rick says you've been improving wonderfully, thanks to Donghyuck."

"Exactly," I persuaded. "That's why I need you to tell me the truth, Doc. Let me help out a friend in need."

He was silent for a long time, then he sighed and looked at me. "I supposed I should tell you, then. You see Mark, Donghyuck might seem all cheeky and fine - but he's had a rough past. That kid has a lot going for him, more than you'd expect. It's hard when you have schizophrenia."

"Schizophrenia?" I repeated his words. They were new to me, and I had no idea what it was. "So what? Is it like split personality or something?"

"The right term for that is actually Dissociative Personality Disorder," he corrected me. "And it has nothing to do with Schizophrenia, they're two different things. A person with Schizophrenia has normal positive symptoms of dellusion and hallucinations, they might have depression but the hardest part in treating people with Schizophrenia is that sometimes they don't even know they're imagining things." 

"For example?"

"Hallucinations range from seeing or hearing things that aren't there, which causes the patient to be split from reality - hence the word 'schiz' literally meaning being separated from the real world. I'm thinking because you're spending more time with Donghyuck now, you're starting to realize he seems to be in his own world from time to time."

He had a point, I was starting to know more about Donghyuck. Even the way he acted, sometimes almost seems as if he was lost in his own zone. I always thought he just had a keen sense of adventure and a wild imagination of grandure. I never thought it was one of the signs of his sickness. 

"H-how did he find out?" I asked nervously. "About his sickness?"

"He had no idea," Doc answered. "It was a long story, a few years back I was walking down a street in the city and then this boy pops up and snatches my wallet out of my hands."

I stared with dread, "Don't tell me..."

"Obviously I took Donghyuck to the police station, then after hearing his explanation I bailed him out again."

"Why?"

"He told me he had no choice but to steal money, to pay for his mom's pills. His mom had been having an addiction problem to morphine for years, and the medicine was to suppress her from going bezerk. I wouldn't let him go back home alone, so he let me come with him over to his house. He said he had to tie his mom to her bed in case she went rabid, he was crying Mark."

I couldn't imagine him like that, I just couldn't. My hands were growing cold, "And then?"

He sighed, "The problem was when I got there, there was no mother tied to the bed, or any sign of anyone else in the house. And just like that, I saw him run up and down, talking to someone who didn't exist, mumbling words I couldn't understand; letting a ghost drink water that spilt the floor wet - if it were someone who saw it for the first time, it'd be terrifying." he said with such sombreness. "I knew he needed immediate medical attention, and it was hard trying to convince him that he needed medication to make him realize his mom was already dead, Mark."

"Was that how he ended up here? How long has he been staying in Larson House?" I questioned, unable to grasp the truth.

"With his age it's rare to catch Schizophrenia, and I wasn't sure putting him in a psych ward would heal him. So I signed him up for adoption, at least a person could be responsible for him - and brought him over here. He's been here since he was thirteen, Mark."

"So he doesn't know you adopted him?" I asked, Doc shook his head. Adoption didn't mean recognizing a person as a parent, but that meant whoever opted for taking an adopt was responsible for the welfare the adopted. I learned that from Aunt Tiffany. "So, whenever he disappears during evenings..."

"He's having sessions with me," Doc replied. "He has been having less pessimistic thoughts, I tried teaching him to exercise his mind - keep him from hallucinating. At first he was reluctant, then he started to open up more..."

I couldn't imagine him spending his whole life in this same house for three whole years, it made me stay look like something so little. No wonder he was so eager to go out and explore, maybe he wanted to see more of the world. Or maybe he was thinking about something else...The way he spoke, it almost seemed like he wanted to be in someone else's shoes-

"Doc," I spoke with anxiousness. "Is it p-possible for someone schizophrenic to pretend they're not hallucinating?"

"That's the biggest problem with people who are schizophrenic, the one's who know they're hallucinating choose to ignore it and carry on with their life. But once uncontrolled, they can get influenced by it and they start to believe in the lies they've imagined themselves."

Oh no...

I pursed my lips, "Doc, I have to tell you something-"

Just that moment, the door swung open and Amarie appeared, panicked and stressed. Outside was a noisy mess, with people running and calling out names in the hallway. I looked at Doc, we both knew something was wrong.

"What is it?" we asked at the same time. 

"It's Donghyuck, we can't find him anywhere. He's missing."

 

 

 

 

 

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Swareece
It's finally the end! But above all, let's support NCT and spread their name TO THE WORLD! ^^

Comments

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LeeJiyoung_23 #1
Chapter 5: it's so beautiful, i love the way you handled the topic, mental illness is not an easy one but you did really great! thank you for creating such a beautiful story, love it!!
yeheting_chogiwa
#2
Chapter 5: Thank you so much for writing such a beautiful story! I loved how you didn’t use any sort of romance, but used strong friendship to help heal a person. I loved it!!!
jibiwrite #3
I am so impressed by how you handled the subject matter in this story. Mental illness is such a taboo topic, but I'm happy that people are finding mediums and outlets to further the conversation. I look forward to the sequel of this story. Keep up the great work!
niccheng #4
Chapter 5: i just found this out! and man! this is a master piece!!! <3
gemgyu407 #5
Chapter 5: So goodddddd
the7thsenseawakens
#6
Chapter 6: oMG YAY! TOTALLY HYPED RN
the7thsenseawakens
#7
Chapter 5: thank you so much for making this story! It was so beautiful and artistic! This is so heartbreaking yet so heartwarming at the same time :)
EXOFIGHTING7132 #8
Chapter 5: Thank you for writing such a beautiful story. I learned some phobias and how they are created recently and the plot follows nicelywith it.
KeepThisaSecret
#9
Chapter 5: I really enjoyed reading this. It's not about romance, but friendship. Two people that are alike but completely different come together and help each other heal. Mental illness is a really touchy subject but you wrote it beautifully.
Zerooo_082 #10
Chapter 5: Ahh..this is sweet! I like donghyuck and mark brothership!! ♡♡♡