Three

Human Touch

A day after leaving the hospital wing, Doc dropped by to call me over. I was in the music room, trying out the guitars and other instruments. Despite how much I despised Larson House, I couldn't deny how complete the music room was. There was a grand piano, a few brass instruments and drumset, guitars and even a karaoke system. It had been long since I tried my hand on the strings so I practiced in case I got rusty.

I heard a knock and a clear of throat, the next second Doc was leaning against the door. Looking at me like a...proud dad. That was the only word I could come up with at the moment. He had his jacket on, he suited the 'unshaven' look. Over the past six months, I had come to terms that Mr Joe and Doc were two different people. Mr Joe was the guy your parents trusted as a teacher, whom teens hated for his dad jokes, tried his best to be a parent figure. Doc was the person who could be someone's friend regardless of their age, someone who would bring you to a corner and casually ask about the problem over a cup of coffee. 

I seemed to be only person that hadn't warmed up to him yet. "Justin Bieber, huh?" he remarked as he grinned. "I heard he topped the charts this week."

"It's an old song," I said sheepishly. "And I'm not really into him, but the lyrics are cool though." 

"Because someone special wrote them?" he guessed. "I'm not up-to-date with pop culture but I know when something means a lot to someone, Mark. By the way, thought I'd drop by to tell you your aunt's here."

I stared, "Aunt Tiffany's here? Now?"

"Out in the backyard with a picnic table waiting for you, now get going. She's worried sick," he told me. "We had the responsibility to tell her the truth about your condition."

My heart skipped a beat, "She knows?"

Doc nodded, "It was tricky to calm her down, I personally had to face scrutiny for thirty minutes. But no harm done, she just wants to see you're alive." 

As I was leaving, "And Mark," he stopped me. "Is it stupid if I think your aunt's a very charming woman?" 

I blinked a few times just to let that sink in, "No, not at all." I answered.

He broke into a relieved smile, "Thanks for not calling it stupid."



She had aged a lot over the past six months, or was it just me?

She was in the middle of the backyard, in jeans and blouse. Living under the same roof with her for so long, I had gotten used to seeing her face - I keep forgetting what a beauty she was for her age. Thirty-five but she still looked not a day over twenty, there were hardly any signs of aging on her face. Seeing her for the first time in sixth months made a difference, she did look older. 

When I got closer, I realized her eyes were red. In an instant guilt filled my gut, it doubled when she attempted to smile. "Y-you've grown taller..." she murmured. "I missed you so much-" she was about to hug me, then I backed away. She stopped in her tracks, "R-right, I forgot." then she forced a smile again. "Come, sit down."

And like that we sat opposite each other, awkward and silent. I couldn't stand her gaze, I hadn't looked at myself really close in the mirror. "You look so pale. You look like a ghost, Mark."

I gulped, "Maybe because I just got out of the hospital wing yesterday, that's why."

"I thought you were getting better," she sighed. "Was this really the wrong decision?"

Honestly, I wasn't even sure. It was obvious I wasn't getting any better at Larson House, but I also couldn't see the possibility of recovery if I stayed with Aunt Tiffany. I genuinely think it would have gotten worse if I didn't come here, she would have to deal with my panic attacks and breakdowns. I didn't want that. 

"Honestly, I don't know Aunt Tiffany," I answered with remorse. "I'm just lost right now, I don't know what's right. Whenever someone touches me all I feel is just burning and like something's just crawling under my skin, I can't explain it but that's just how it is."

I knew she couldn't understand one word I was saying, no one understood what a mad person was saying. Sometime in the dorm, I used to hope the doctors would just treat me like a real mental patient, and tie me up to a bed like in a mental asylum - that would make the confirmation that I was downright insane, and that I had permanently lost my marbles. 

"Aunt Tiffany, I just wanna ask," I finally said. "Were you really close with my mom?"

She smiled faintly, "The best of friends. She was nicest person I knew, yet she always stood up for what's right."

I pursed my lips, "So, about my d-dad-"

"She was too nice that people just took advantage of her, Mark." she answered. "It was either get disowned or apply for an abortion, your mom immediately chose the latter. She worked hard, and she loved you with all her heart. Your question was a good timing too," and she took something out from her bag. It was a box, inside full of polaroids. I took one out, it pictured my mom when she was much younger - smiling at what I reckoned was at prom. Calculating the years, she had me at around college years. From my memories, all I could remember were her unsmiling faces - her days before she had me were full of brilliant possibilities. I noticed she really looked wonderful when-

"Do you know how wonderful you look when you smile, Mark?" Aunt Tiffany said suddenly. "Your smile just lights up your whole face, and I remember how contagious it was. You somehow make everyone around you happy, that was your best trait. Keep it," she pushed the box over to my side. "-and get well soon. It's weird without you around the house."

I managed to pull off a small smile, "Now you finally realize my significance, huh?"



It was 'prom night'.

In order for us to not miss the 'highschool experience', Doc thought it'd be nice if there was also a prom in Larson House. And so the girls all got ready with what they had, they asked each other out, hand-in-hand as they walked into the backyard where a barbecue was set up with loudspeakers blaring party music. I had set my mind on not going, I walked towards the music room. 

It was late, I didn't notice myself drifting to sleep. Immediately, I slipped into dreamland. The worst of the worst really does come attacking when you least expect it, and the nightmare was so vivid and surreal I couldn't wake up or run away. Another scene of my mom being beaten rolled again, her screams, her sobs and cries. The worst was when the figure came in my direction and swung his fist at me. 

Her screams pierced my ears.

I jolted awake, my hands pressed the keys of the piano blindly, creating jarred notes. Hastily, I fumbled around my pocket then remembered my pills were back in the dorm. I had get back there, but I was already barely managing to stand up. I leaned against the wall, breathing heavily with my hand against my chest. My hands were trembling cold, I was going to black out...

"Mark, can you hear me?" I heard someone call out to me. "Mark, wake up!" 

I stirred. "I-I can't, I can't..." I panted.

"You are not going to make me drag you to the dorm all on my own!" Donghyuck ordered. "Come on, Mark - remember what Rick told you to do if you get panic attacks."

I couldn't remember what Rick had told me. 

It didn't help when the nightmares kept playing back, I was torn between dreams and reality. I tried my best to hold it back, but to no avail; within seconds I started crying. It wasn't a pretty sight, imagine suffocating with your eyes red and wet. In a dark room. 

"You don't know how much it hurts..." I struggled to say. "You don't know anything..."

"Listen to me," he hissed desperately. "I might not know much, but my mom used to tell me that if you repeat something over and over again, it loses its meaning. Same goes to fears, Mark. Try focusing on something that makes you happy." Donghyuck said gently, I had never heard him talk like that (probably scared of me). 

"I can't remember the last time I had happy thoughts..." I murmured with my eyes closed. 

"How about something you like?" 

I thought hard and came to a conclusion, "Music, I like music."

"Then focus on my voice and nothing else, okay?" and then the silence was replaced with the voice of...something almost like an angel. I thought it wouldn't work, but my heart started slowing down and before I knew it I took longer breaths. I didn't feel like suffocating anymore. 

When I opened my eyes, I saw Donghyuck looking down at the floor all shy. He was tracing circles with his index finger, and for once he wasn't the loud and obnoxious boy I hated. 

At that moment, he was the only thing that kept me sane. 



The next morning was dead quiet, everyone else was exhausted from last night's prom. I woke up as usual, seven thirty in the morning but I wasn't sure if I should turn, because the first face I saw would be him. Nonetheless I did it anyway.

He was staring out the window as he sat on his bed, listening to music. He noticed I was awake, and he grinned. "Well good morning, sleeping beauty. I thought you'd never get up."

I flushed red, "Hey about last night-"

"You're welcome," he cut me off. "And don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone about what happened."

"I know you weren't going to anyway." I said.

He raised his eyebrows, "And why would you think so, Mark Lee? You must know how much I like wreaking havoc on people's reputation."

"Lee Donghyuck, we've been roommates for half a year, I think I know your limits pretty well." 

He smirked, "Fine by me," and he got and stretched. "Seems like this place has turned into Sleepy Hollow right now, everyone's knoced out from the party last night. Which means we've got the whole place to ourselves."

"What are we supposed to do right now?" I questioned. He looked at me dumbfounded. 

"Mark Lee, have you ever had fun in your life?" 

We venturned to the backyard, the remnants of the party were still there. Bits of streamers and silly strings were stuck on the branches, it was the silhouette of a celebration. Our breakfast were the berries and apples that grew in the orchard. We gathered them all in a pile before sitting down and eating them. Donghyuck looked up at the sky, and stuck his finger up in the air. 

"Weather looks nice, I think it's time for the grand plan to ammence." he declared.

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

He spread the printed paper on the grass. "According to this, there's a ninety percent possibility of a time capsule to be hidden on top of that hill - it's not that far from here. We can make it."

I widened, "You're saying we sneak out of the house? Are you insane?"

"Pfft, it's not like we're leaving for good," he snorted. "Why, Lee? Scared to break the rules?"

He was daring me. Great.



I half-expected alarms to set off the moment we stepped foot out of the gate, but nothing happened. So we continued walking, turned down another lane as we memorized the way back. The forest was calm, with the morning air fused with the morning sunshine. Donghyuck took the lead, all energetic to begin an adventure.

"There's a creek here," I noted, pointing at the flowing water to our left. The water was so clear I could see the pebbles underwater, the water calmly flowed past us until it reached a small island on the other side of it. It was obviously a place for camping. "What do you think's over there?"

He seemed to be thinking, "Huh," he breathed. "Probably somewhere to find peace. I'd like to go there, you know, if I had the chance."

I glanced at him, "I don't think that's safe, you know. We don't know when the current will change pace, it might-"

"Geez, Mark Lee," he groaned. "I'm not really going to drag you over there, I'm not that stupid. We should be near, come on."

After hiking longer, we finally reached the top of the hill. Then we started to dig, and dig and dig. When we saw something shiny, we dug even harder. Indeed, there was a time capsule with a shiny outer body. We looked at each other, and grinned. To my surprise, he gave it to me. "You do the honors, Mark Lee."

"M-me?"

He rolled his eyes, "Hurry up and open it already."

Carefully, I twisted the container. It opened with a satisfying click, and I poured the contents out. Inside was a casio leather wrist watch, the type that ticked according to a person's pulse, a cassette recorder, and a pair of friendship bracelets. Donghyuck grabbed for the wrist watch. "Cool, I always wanted one of these! I called it! You can take the cassette, though."

I frowned, "What am I supposed to do with a cassette?"

He didn't answer my question, "We can get one bracelet each, perfect." he put on his bracelet, and ushered me to put on mine. "Now don't I look fabulous?"

I threw the container at him. "In your dreams."

On the way down, his kept his eyes on the view especially when we passed the creek. I motioned to him, "What are you staring at?"

He pointed around the place, "You see all this? One day, I'll be back. You'll see."

"You can come with your mom if you want." I replied.

"Yeah," he said. "It's been a while since we had fun together, she'd like that."



We were lounging in the music room. After knowing Donghyuck had a reasonably nice voice, I didn't mind playing the guitar for him to 'showcase' his 'mad skills'. He was learning all the Ed Sheeran songs that were out there. 

"I didn't know Ed Sheeran wrote that Justin Bieber song!" he said as he bobbed his head to the music.

"Sheeran fans will know, he can't hide the fact that he wrote it, if you listen to it carefully it's pretty obvious." I said. 

"Kinda like humans right?" he added. "I'm not trying to sound all deep but that's how it seems, doesn't it? We can only hear someone's true feelings if we just listen really carefully, and not diagnose them based on presumptions."

"Er, I guess so," and I continued playing the guitar. I expected him to start singing, but this time he didn't. "Why did you stop?"

He looked at me real good, "Same goes to you, Mark. When was the last time you touched someone?"

I went blank, "I don't remember anymore, all I think about now is just how I can avoid touching someone or being touched."

"The past doesn't matter then," he approached me. "Let's talk about 'now'."

I backed away, "Donghyuck, no."

He snatched my guitar away, "Stop being so scared, Mark. For how long are you going to stay like this?"

I glared at him, "Look here, you don't understand-"

"You're right," he said harshly. "I don't know how much pain you endure whenever someone touches you, but I do know why you're like this. Yeah, I convinced Rick to tell me about you. I know about your mom, I know you live with your aunt because you don't have any other better guardian. You have nothing to hide from me, and face it - it's not touching someone that makes you scared, you're just scared of letting someone go after holding their hand or touching them."

I was on the verge of tears. Not because he was provoking me, but he made me think about the possible truth I had been denying. He had a point, painfully to say. Everytime Aunt Tiffany wanted to touch me, all that played in my mind besides the burning pain - was a pair of soft hands that I knew if I held onto, I would never let go when it was never really there. If it was a stranger, all I pictured was blood and yelling.

"Mark!" Donghyuck said. "For how long are you gonna stay scared? Mark, talk to me."

"I don't know!" I replied harshly. "Donghyuck, I don't know okay? I don't know why I'm such a coward and that's just it, why are you caring about this so much?!"

"Because I care about you!" he answered in the same harsh tone and raised his wrist where he wore his bracelet. "Because of this, it's my job to make sure you'll face your fears. I don't want you to stay like this when I'm not around to make sure you don't get panic attacks. I'm not going to play you an Ed Sheeran song or sing everytime you need me to. Why not try to face it now?"

Slowly, I took deep breaths. This was scary to me, my hands were shaking. "I-I'll try..." I whispered. He got up and offered his hand, the one with the bracelet. I eyed it with pure dread, yet hopefulness. The thought of skin-on-skin sent shivers down my spine-

"Mark," he said gently. "Close your eyes and try thinking of your favourite song. Listen to me, you can do this."

I imagined my favourite song playing in my head, trembling, my hands extended towards the unknown. Suddenly, as if for the first time in an eternity, I felt Donghyuck hold it gently. I gasped and tried jerking away, but he held onto it. "Calm down, Mark." he said, and I forced myself to take a deep breath. 

I opened my eyes, and I stared. He was holding my hand, cradling it like a piece of treasure all careful and cautious. Donghyuck looked at me, "Now give me your other hand."

I swallowed a lump in my throat before placing my other hand in his, his palm was warm and soft - it didn't make me jerk away. "Focus on me and nothing else, okay?" he said next.

I nodded slowly, "O-okay." and I stood up as he guided me as we walked. We crept in a circle, nothing but the nightlight and our breathing. And every time I took a step further, his smile widened. It kept me moving forward. 

He brought me to the side of the grand piano, we sat down. I was breathing slowly, all I saw was him and until this day I believe looking at him kept me from suffocating. He stiffed a laugh, "Your hands are pretty cold. No one's told you that?"

I shook my head, "No one's ever touched it, maybe that's why." 

"How does it feel?" 

I my dry lips, "It feels...fine. I'm fine."

He waited, "How about we try something else? A hug maybe?"

It was scary to imagine it, but for some absurd reason - I had no plans on rejecting it either. "Okay." I blurted. 

His hands slowly left my hands and moved to my back, it sent me shivering at first. "You can do this, Mark." he kept whispering in my ear as his arms wrapped around me. "Now your turn."

My hand were trembling so badly, but I tried putting mine on his back. I panted, and he didn't mind. The world started changing, and all I could see was my mom - her arms wrapped around me as I cried, she soothed my back as she cooed and hummed in my ear. "Everything's okay, everything's okay now. You're with me, it's okay..."

"I-it's okay," I choked between sobs. "P-please, don't let go. Please..." I pulled her closer. I was stuck between imagination and reality. 

In reality, Donghyuck didn't let go of me when my grip became harder. In contrast, he patted my back as I cried into his shoulder. There was nothing I could hide, all my thoughts and emotions were stripped bare and raw. There was no holding back. 

"Everything's okay, everything's okay now. You're with me, it's okay." he whispered softly. 

I sobbed, "Please, don't let go. Say you won't let go..." I wasn't sure if I said to him, or my mom in my dreams. Nonetheless, Donghyuck cared less.

"I promise," he answered. "I'm never letting go."

 

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Swareece
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Comments

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LeeJiyoung_23 #1
Chapter 5: it's so beautiful, i love the way you handled the topic, mental illness is not an easy one but you did really great! thank you for creating such a beautiful story, love it!!
yeheting_chogiwa
#2
Chapter 5: Thank you so much for writing such a beautiful story! I loved how you didn’t use any sort of romance, but used strong friendship to help heal a person. I loved it!!!
jibiwrite #3
I am so impressed by how you handled the subject matter in this story. Mental illness is such a taboo topic, but I'm happy that people are finding mediums and outlets to further the conversation. I look forward to the sequel of this story. Keep up the great work!
niccheng #4
Chapter 5: i just found this out! and man! this is a master piece!!! <3
gemgyu407 #5
Chapter 5: So goodddddd
the7thsenseawakens
#6
Chapter 6: oMG YAY! TOTALLY HYPED RN
the7thsenseawakens
#7
Chapter 5: thank you so much for making this story! It was so beautiful and artistic! This is so heartbreaking yet so heartwarming at the same time :)
EXOFIGHTING7132 #8
Chapter 5: Thank you for writing such a beautiful story. I learned some phobias and how they are created recently and the plot follows nicelywith it.
KeepThisaSecret
#9
Chapter 5: I really enjoyed reading this. It's not about romance, but friendship. Two people that are alike but completely different come together and help each other heal. Mental illness is a really touchy subject but you wrote it beautifully.
Zerooo_082 #10
Chapter 5: Ahh..this is sweet! I like donghyuck and mark brothership!! ♡♡♡