Intoxicated

Goryeo Outlander

“There are ways of consummating without conceiving?” Soo hissed to herself as she dropped the stack of books she had taken from her uncle’s library and rifled through them. The only problem was: she couldn’t read. But that didn’t stop her from vainly hoping that some traveler like herself had written something useful… somewhere.

Once, in nursing school, their professor had told them to research on contraceptives. She tried to recall what she had written under ‘history’. “Lemons… mixing mercury and horse dung and…”

She plopped onto the table and cried. “What about abstinence?!” She couldn’t ask Myunghee because of her stupid uncle… and she couldn’t ask Soon Deok, who was as clueless as she was… and asking any of the men for help seemed…

She sniffed and stared at the pond fronting the inner garden. Even the weather mocked her. All month long, they had had rain… but this morning, the late autumn sun shone through the thick clouds. “We had condoms and pills in the 21st century. I don’t know any other kind of contraceptive,” she mumbled. She wondered if the prince would consent to pulling out before he… or maybe…

“Ah!” she yelled in frustration and sat up again. She would never have the courage to even begin such a conversation with him. Just thinking about it made her blush uncomfortably to the roots of her hair. “Just keep studying. If you study hard enough, you’ll eventually be able to read all this by next week,” she told herself, over and over again.

Soo had never studied so hard in her life. She studied like her life depended on it, which, under the circumstances, it probably did.

“Garlic… cloves… pepper…” she mumbled, tracing the hanja with her finger before attempting to write them on paper.

She was grateful to sanggung for giving her these books… most of all because they were the only ones with illustrations.

She paused and sighed, wondering how sanggung was doing. Was she eating enough despite her illness? Did anyone put hot stones under her sheets to keep her warm, make her porridge out of pine nuts to boost her energy?

“You can’t already be… can you?” she sniffed and shook her head. Sanggung had told her not to cry, and she would honor that wish.

“What are you doing?”

Startled, Soo screeched and flinched so badly, her brush flicked ink all over the table.

“Don’t do that,” she told the fourth prince crossly. Then, remembering who the fourth prince was, she hastily covered all her notes. “I’m… studying.”

He looked amused. “Baek Ah told me you were illiterate. I thought he was kidding.”

“Well, he wasn’t,” she snapped, cheeks flaming. “Are you having second thoughts about marrying an illiterate woman?”

When he didn't reply, she looked up. “Are you?” She's confused whether to rejoice or panic. On the one hand, it meant no babies to tie her to this century. On the other hand, it meant death to her friends, and an even more uncertain future for herself and the country.

“You… don't want to marry?” she asked tentatively, and just very awkwardly added, “Me?”

He sighed and pretended to be interested in one of the books from her uncle’s library. He has yet to meet her eyes. “I don't really have a choice… but you do.”

She frowned. “You’re giving me a choice?”

“You’ve always had it. I’m bound by duty to my king and family. You have no such affiliations, except maybe to Myunghee. You can back out of this marriage… if you want to.”

Did she want to? The answer was yes. She knew exactly what her uncle wanted from her, and it was all sorts of wrong because:

  1. She didn’t belong in this century
  2. She had sworn herself off of men because of her stupid ex
  3. She was being forced to marry someone she hardly even knew

She couldn’t even bring herself to think about… how awkward their first night would be…

“I can’t back out either,” she grumbled at last, looking down at her paintbrush. “I may not be the smartest person here, but I do understand what’s at stake. Your mission rests on this alliance… and your lives and the country’s future rests on your mission. I can’t be selfish and think only of myself.”

He gave her an appraising look. He had always known she was perceptive, but he didn’t think she would be able to understand the gravity of the situation this quickly without knowing all the elements. “Then you must also realize… that by tying yourself to me… you’re accepting whatever consequences result from my actions? My brothers at the capital are not like my brothers here. They are cruel and unforgiving. If they find out you and I are married, they will hang you for treason.”

“But only if I’m caught, and only if they find out we’re- I mean, our marriage will be a secret, won’t it?” At this, she had to voice her concerns. She leaned over towards him, her voice low, “Your Highness… what are the chances of you failing your mission?”

“With your clan’s help, not likely.”

“Oh! Well, that’s a relief!”

“But I don’t trust your clan.”

“Oh. Well, I suppose that’s-”

“And I’m not sure if I can trust you.”

She snapped her book shut in irritation. “After all this time?”

He bent over her, leaning into her personal space and making her so uncomfortable, she had to lean away. “You’ve given me no reason to trust you. I know you’re not from here, Hae Soo-shi.”

She knew what he wanted from her. He knew her fate was as tied to this marriage as his was, and that backing out would be disastrous for everybody. She would not rise to take his bait. How could she? Tell him the truth about her origins and she’s dead for sure. To baffle him, she moved forward and smiled, her sudden proximity forcing him to pull back. “I wouldn’t know either, would I? Since I have no memory,” she gritted out the last five words. “You know this marriage is inevitable. It’s paramount, for all our sakes. Whether we trust each other or not is irrelevant. We’ll just have to… live with it.”

She found herself feeling hurt and looked away. What would it take to prove to this prince that she meant them no harm?

It doesn’t matter. You’re not here to stay. Get married but don’t get pregnant. You can still go home.

She dared not look up. She had something new to add to her list of reasons why this marriage arrangement : she’s not sure she could trust her own husband to stand up for her should the need arise. If by chance she were to get captured… would he come rescue her, or leave her to her fate?

She watched him leave from her peripheral vision, and the moment he was out of sight, she stopped writing and tried to relax, but couldn’t. The tension in her body was too strong. Even in marriage, she was alone. She wiped the tears from her lashes, then flinched when a hand covered hers.

“What-?” she spluttered, looking up to see the fourth prince bending over behind her. He positioned her hand around her brush and then guided both their hands over a fresh sheet of hanji. He began to write.

“What… what’s that?” she stammered. His hand was much bigger than hers, she saw, and rough, the veins pulsating with every movement of the brush.

珠. “Soo.”

“S-” she realized that was her name and immediately looked down to see him finishing the character with one final, downward . “Soo? What does it mean?”

“You were named after the Zhujiang river of Qing kingdom. The Pearl River. Soo.”

“Soo… Pearl,” murmured Soo, watching as he wrote a second character. “And what is that?”

“My name, So. 昭.” He let her go. “If we are to be married… you should at least learn to recognize our names.”

She stared at the characters before her. It was different from Baek’s Ah calligraphy. Being an artist, Baek Ah tended to write with a flourish, his characters well-proportioned and carefully constructed. But So, being a fighter, wrote with brisk, sharp ; well-practiced, precise, but without the same amount of care. She held his name up to her face, mesmerized. Beautiful in its own way.

It took a while before she realized he was leaving. “Your Highness!”

He stopped walking but didn't turn around.

“What does it mean? Your name…”

There was hesitation in the momentary silence, but eventually, he replied, “Clear.”

Clear. The clear prince? Soo thought it ironic that despite having such a name, this prince would one day baffle even the most learned scholars and professors.

She wondered if she'll ever learn enough about him to tell the professor what he needed to know. At the rate things were going…

She sighed. “Not likely.”


 

 


 

“Does it hurt?” Myunghee asked quietly, the bruise on Baek Ah’s neck.

He watched her from up close, her long eyelashes casting shadows against her cheek, her pink lips slightly parted. He could feel her warm breath against his skin, and he had to close his eyes to stop himself from feeling more. “Sometimes.”

She sighed and sat back on the wooden floor. “You were careless. It's a miracle you didn’t die! Why did you try to engage that man in battle? Nevermind, don’t answer that.” She wrung dry a towel soaked in warm water and gently began to wipe the remnants of the medicine Soon Deok had applied off his neck. “I asked Soo to make this… she wanted to apply it herself but she’s busy studying, and I thought it better to leave her alone for the moment.”

Baek Ah didn’t reply, just watched as she began to apply a strange-smelling liquid onto his neck.

“Here, drink this… it’ll help get rid of the bruise faster.” She held up a cup of warm water, infused with a greenish powder. When he drank it, it was so bitter, he almost spat it out.

He coughed and winced when it jarred his throat, but he set the cup down with a sigh of thanks and asked her how her cousin was doing. “I imagine she must be unhappy about the marriage.”

“Yes, well… at least she’s not running away this time,” mumbled Myunghee, cleaning up.

“You’re not happy with the marriage either,” he observed quietly.

“How could I be?” She looked at him, worry creasing her forehead. “She’s young, inexperienced, and she doesn’t even know who she is. And all this time, we’ve secretly been trying to destabilize the throne for a king I thought was dead, and I don’t know what my father and uncle are planning, and I don’t know for how long we can even keep-”

“Hey,” he rasped, tapping her lips with his fan. “The trouble with you, nui, is you worry too much. You always have.”

She rolled her eyes. “And the trouble with you princes is you don’t worry at all!”

Baek Ah cracked his first smile in days. “Is that what you really think, nui?”

“Yes, that’s what I think,” she snapped, grabbing the basin and making to get up, but he held her wrist and kept her in place. She looked inquiringly from his hand to his face, wondering if he hurt anywhere else.

“That kiss.”

Immediately, blood rushed to her head. She felt embarrassed by the memory of what she did. “It was a mistake.”

“Was it?”

She swallowed hard. “I don’t know what came over me. I thought we were all going to die and just… it just happened.”

He pulled her closer, slowly, never breaking eye contact… She must know how he feels. She must have known for years. He had never hidden the fact from her. “Was that really all it was?”

“It can’t be anything more.”

“Why not?”

She looked away with difficulty and forced him to let go of her arm. Shaking her head, she said, “I am lacking in many ways. I have nothing to offer you.”

“Nui-”

“I’m barren.” It hurt her to say it, but it was the truth. Everyone knew it. Her own father had no qualms letting her know how much of a disappointment she was. What use was she as a woman if she couldn’t provide her family with children? “As a woman, I can’t do anything for-”

“I don’t care about that.”

She sighed, not sure if he was being serious or just trying to comfort her. “Of course you do. Everyone does.”

He laughed, a dry laugh that held no humor. “I have dozens of siblings, nui, and some of them are trying to kill each other over a seat that our father used to own. Some of them have already died from the struggle. The royal family is big enough without me adding to its numbers.”

“You think that now, but you’ll regret it later on.”

“I won’t.” He looked seriously at her. “I don’t want the throne. I don’t want riches. I don’t want recognition. I just want to be free.”

“Your Highness-” He turned away from the title but she pressed on, “you are the most artistic and talented person I have ever met. Prince or not… the world will be a better place with more of you in it. If only the greedy reproduce, what kind of a future will our country have? You have a duty to yourself, and to the country. Not as a prince, but as a human being. And that is something I cannot help you with.”

“Then I’ll get a second wife,” he shrugged, “or a gisaeng. If that’s what you want from me, I’ll do it. But either way, nui… I don’t really care.”

She looked uncomfortable, so he took her by the hand and leaned forward until he was directly in front of her and she had no choice but to look up, into his eyes. “You are one of the few people in the world that I really care about. Believe me when I say… as long as I have you, there’s nothing more in this world that I will want.”

How could he not want children? How could he say these words so openly? “I’m still married to your brother.” Something she regretted ever doing. “My family will conceal me from my husband, but they will not annul my marriage. In case things go awry, they’ll look to me to ensure the family’s survival. They’ll send me back to him to resume my duties as his wife.”

The thought of Myunghee returning to Wook’s side after all Wook had done didn’t sit well with Baek Ah, but Myunghee being Myunghee, he knew very well she would feel duty-bound to remain faithful to her husband, even if she no longer loved or cared for him. She was a woman of principles, and it’s one of the things Baek Ah loved about her. He swallowed whatever nasty remark he had been about to make and said, “I have faith in my fourth brother. He will make sure our first brother is returned to power, and when that time comes… nui… you can divorce Wook-hyungnim yourself.”

“I will pray continuously for that day,” she said, smiling softly. “Until then… please just take care of yourself, Baek Ah-nim.”


 


 

The day of the wedding approached rapidly. Too rapidly. Soo had not managed to learn anything from her textbooks, especially since her uncle Hae Hajin had recently returned and occupied most of her time with lessons and other wedding preparations.

“It will be a small, but lavish wedding,” he told her the one time she had dared to ask a question, “so as to leave as a lasting impression. We have spoken briefly to the princes of their plans. We risk much in the event of failure. It is only right they be reminded who they are indebted to… and why.”

He waved a hand and all of the attendants left the room, leaving the two of them alone. Soo bowed her head the way she was taught, so as not to meet his eyes. To her surprise, however, he tied up her wedding clothes, finished what her attendants had not been able to, and then he lifted her chin to force her to look at him. “In three days’ time, you will become a member of the royal family. I suppose we should count ourselves lucky you decided to run away when you did. You would have been useless as the wife of a dead king.” He pulled her so she had no choice but to take the step needed to close the distance between them. She stared at him in wide-eyed surprise.

“You’ve always been… so fair, Soo-yah. I thought it a terrible shame when my brother decided to give you to the king. He would not have appreciated your beauty…”

“Uncle,” she said, trying not to panic.

“And now, he is convinced that the fourth prince is destined to be king. That scarred beast of a man. I sometimes wonder who the brains in this family really is.”

A bubble of indignation burst from within her. “The fourth prince is much more than you think.”

“Is he?” It was a rhetorical question - more amused than offended at being spoken to in such a way. “You know what is expected of you. Once you are married, you will be brought to his chambers. You are to stay there until he decides to take you.”

She swallowed hard, her hands balled into fists at her side. Would they check her every morning until it happens? “Having a child at this time would be dangerous, don’t you think?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry.” He released her and walked over to a table to pour himself a glass of liquor made from wild ginseng. “Whatever children you may have will be kept and protected, until the time comes for them to be revealed.”

Kept and protected? Soo could hardly believe her ears. “What, you’ll take them away?”

When he didn’t reply, she thought she might hurl her box of hairpins at him. And in the event Jeongjong wins, or the eighth prince… and Soo and her companions are executed… will the family continue to look after their children, or…?

A small part of her brain knew the answer… it whispered it to her unwilling consciousness: not likely.




 

Soo performed the wedding rites mechanically, resigned but not beaten. Outwardly, she appeared calm and collected in her royal blue, red and gold robes. But inside, her brain was working twice as hard, trying to come up with a solution to her predicament. She wasn’t sure when during the celebrations she would be brought to the prince’s room… but she had to be prepared for when she was.

In the family shrine, she and the prince bowed to her ancestors, paying their respects. She wondered if the real Hae Soo’s parents were here. I may not be your real daughter, but I am protecting your family. Please… help me.

Days of research had yielded nothing, which left only one option… she would have to talk to him. The fourth prince.

Now her husband.

Taejo, help me.

The ceremony was lavish, as her uncle had promised. Gold gleamed from every surface; newly made lanterns danced on every corner, every wall, every tree branch; platters upon platters of food were spread out on tables large enough to fit two dozens of men; new hanboks had been made for all the men and women, and if the fourth prince hadn’t stopped them, they would have showered the evening skies with fireworks.

Music continually filled the air as they ate, but Soo didn’t have much of an appetite. She kept reviewing her speech in her mind, thinking of all the ways she could talk to the prince later, in the privacy of his room. She had just decided to revise everything when her attendants came up to her and asked her to come with them.

.

“Remember…” Hae Hajin muttered under his breath, pretending to fix her hair and jewelry. “Your duty.”

She couldn’t trust herself to speak: she would have told him to go to hell. She couldn’t trust herself to move either: she would have banged his head with her porcelain plate.

Without a word, she bowed and followed her ladies away from the festivities and towards the innermost compound. Guards were stationed everywhere, making the long walk leading up to the prince’s room feel like a death march.

Breathe. Don’t panic.

Your Highness. Your Highness! Your Highness?

, what were the words?

“We have been instructed to help Her Highness undress.”

Soo flinched away from them. The longer the clothes stayed on her, the better, she thought. “No, thank you, I can manage. Please leave.”

“Please stay still, Your Highness.”

“I said get away!” she snarled, pushing their hands away from her body. But of course, she was overpowered in the end. She always was.

Sitting on the prince’s bed minutes later, wearing nothing but an expensive silk underdress, she vowed to become stronger. If her plan fails and she becomes pregnant… they can try to take her baby away over her dead body.

She wanted to cry. "I can’t have a baby here, with a man who doesn’t even love me!”

She grabbed the nearest pillow and pummeled it with her fist, then she put it to her face and let out a muffled scream. It left a smudge of lipstick on the white sheet. Maybe she should have screamed on the bright red bed cloth instead

The door suddenly opened, and she was so surprised, she got to her feet without even realizing it. She watched with shallow breaths as the fourth prince entered with her attendants in tow. He spread his arms for the women to remove his outer clothing, then he looked at her. He returned her frightened expression with a closed one of his own. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. She couldn’t even tell how he was feeling.

Maybe he thought and felt nothing.

Embarrassed, Soo turned around and clutched tightly onto her silk dress to stop herself from shaking.

“Your Highness,” she said bravely the moment she heard her attendants leave and lock the door. “Before we… do… anything… I would like to say a few words.”

He gave her no response.

“I think, that under the circumstances, having… that is… doing something with the full knowledge of the negative consequences of our actions is very irresponsible and, as we are both adults, would wish to… that tonight, I want for us to be able to-”

Suddenly, a candle flame went out and she whirled in surprise to see him extinguishing all the candles in the room. “Y-Your… what are you…?”

The prince looked almost bored as he went from candle to candle and extinguished each flame with a swipe of his white robe.

“I think we should really talk about this,” she said in panic as the room grew gradually dimmer, until all that was left was the candle on the bedside table. He looked like a shadow in white, barring all the windows and doors. “I know that, being just married, certain… activities… are expected of us. But I should inform you that it has been some weeks since I last-” she paused, wondering if talking about menstrual cycles was a taboo in this century. She shook her head. “The point is if we do what you’re thinking of doing just to satisfy my relatives, I could very likely get… get…”

She stumbled backwards onto the bed when she noticed him advancing slowly towards her. “Are you even listening to me?” she demanded shrilly, grabbing the red ceremonial blanket and drawing it protectively around her body as she crawled away from him. On hindsight, she realized she should have crawled away from the bed, not deeper into it.

"Children aside, women are - I don’t know what they teach you in prince school here - but women are different from men. It takes time and some effort for us to get… get ready.” She was grateful it was so dark. She was blushing so strongly and feeling so uncomfortable, it would have been doubly difficult to speak while looking right at him.

And he was so close now. She had reached the end of the bed and could crawl up no further. All she could do was hoist the blanket up, keeping it firmly between them. She felt him get on the bed. Through the candlelight shining through the single gap in the curtains of their marriage bed, she could see his silhouette. She could feel his body heat enveloping her legs as he made his way towards her, over her. She closed her thighs and brought her knees up in reflex. They came in contact with the hard muscles of his chest, but with one hand, he lowered them back until she was suddenly completely supine beneath him, staring into his eyes.

She couldn’t move, knowing that a single movement could shatter whatever temporary halt to the proceedings this was. His hand on her knee was growing warmer with every second it spent there, and her body under his felt the same, though at a much slower rate.

He still had his mask on, though his hair was free from its usual bind, falling over one shoulder. She hadn’t realized until that moment… how long his eyelashes were, and how formed his lips… nor how sharp his eyes.

Swallowing hard, she said quietly, “For the sake of formalities… we could still…” She couldn’t bring herself to say it, not in their current position. “But… for everything else… there are… ways of consummating without conceiving.”

There. She said it. More blood rushed to her cheeks, making her feel faint. There was really only one way she could think of right now, and she wondered if he would be able to do it. “I could teach you. Have you… ever been with a woman before?”

For the longest time, they were silent. Since entering the room, the prince had yet to say a word and Soo thought it only fair that he spoke next as she had been doing all the talking up until that point.

But when more time passed with nothing said and nothing being done, she couldn’t stand it any longer. If they were going to do this, they might as well do it while she was feeling brave.

She brought her hands up tentatively and touched his face. He flinched and drew back, but she held him fast. And then, gathering her courage, she rose to meet his lips in a light kiss. She could sense his surprise and dared not open her eyes. Instead, she grabbed the garment on his shoulders and held him in place, coaxing him to open up to her. He was going to have to help her. She could feel a tiny itch and a bit of discomfort on her nether regions, but she didn’t think it was enough to ensure a smooth, pain-free union. After all, it had been a little over a year since she had broken up with her fiance… and before that, she could barely count the number of times they had been physically intimate, or indeed, remember the last time intimacy between them had resulted in actual penetration.

Thinking it through now, she really should have seen it… should have noticed… how he had used her for her money. She should have known better that during those times when he had refused to bed her, it wasn’t because he was worried about her accidentally getting pregnant before they were wed… it was because he was already attracted to another woman.

She couldn’t believe she was thinking of that bastard at a time like this.

“Sorry,” she whispered, wiping the tears that fell inevitably from her eyes. “I was just… thinking. Sorry, we can try again.”

She cleared , breathed deeply and brought her hands up to his face, getting ready to start kissing him again, but before she could, he left her body, turned away and sneezed. And coughed. Rather violently, actually.

“Are you okay?” she asked. She realized her chest was almost exposed and hastily covered herself up. Then she sighed. They would have to start all over again.

He waved a hand in answer.

“You scrimped on your medicine, didn’t you? After I told you there was enough for everybody,” she said, suddenly remembering. She sat upright, exasperated. “Your cold’s gotten worse! I’ll bet you have a fever and that’s why you’re so warm!”

He sighed and waved at her again. “Just… go to sleep.”

“Sleep?”

He got up and left the bed. Curious, Soo pulled the curtains back to see him drinking a glass of water

“Should we… try again…?”

“No.”

She felt she might go crazy with all her mixed feelings. On the one hand, her body was half-ready for him, but her emotions weren’t. On the other, it meant less chances of them slipping up and getting her pregnant, but it also meant the wraths of uncles one and two, and more awkward nights spent in this room together. She felt like her life since coming to Goryeo has been nothing but a series of weighing ups and downs.

“You know they'll send people here tomorrow to check if we… you know.”

He coughed. “They can try.”

“It needn't take forever. Sometimes, a few minutes is all it takes.”

“A few minutes of me sneezing all over you.”

That didn't sound appealing to her either. She felt her body temperature drop considerably. “Then what do you suggest?”

“Sleep,” he repeated hoarsely, “Soo-yah.”

He's said her name before… but this was his first time saying it as her husband. It made her blush.

“Well… alright. Good… good night. Then.” Confused, Soo crawled to the left side of the bed and drew the blanket up over her head, squirming uncomfortably as she tried to extinguish the fire in her belly by thinking of her ex. And that damned woman who pretended to be her best friend. And that time she had seen them kissing right outside her place of work. Damn them. Damn them both. Filled with a different kind of fire, Soo shut her eyes, hugged her pillow to herself, and attempted to go to sleep.

So suppressed a sigh, bracing himself against the table to calm down. The past week, and especially the past few hours, have been excruciating times for him. He had never felt so… conflicted in his life. His mind was in turmoil as it battled between duty and honor; between necessity and desire.

Consummating this marriage would have easily given them everything they needed, and yet… he didn’t want to do it. Couldn’t.

He had spent the day reliving all the horrors of Jeongjong’s reign; the cruelty of his mother; the injustices being meted out against the innocents; the corruption amongst the higher ranks of officials. He had been in a sour mood all day because of these recollections. He had wanted to be of firm mind tonight, to be able to do what was required of him to ensure a better future for everyone he cared about.

But upon entering, he was greeted by her frightened eyes. He didn’t want to see that look on her face… she had never been scared of him before. So he had extinguished the flames, plunging them into semi-darkness. She spoke, but he hardly heard her. He didn’t want to hear and to feel bad… he didn’t want to see and to stop; he already felt rotten for agreeing to this in the first place.

He felt her resistance as he came upon her, especially when he lowered her knees and kept her, trapped, beneath him. Still, he proceeded, determined to get it over with. But the lone candle he had left aflame betrayed him. It was enough for him to see her, to look into those doe like eyes.

How lovely she was.

With the yellow light from the candle flickering in her dark hair… how soft and fair the skin of her face was up close… and how warm her body felt beneath him. He could hardly breathe; could hardly think. He could only stare.

It was a shock when she touched him. One touch from her soft hands was enough to send tingles running throughout his body. And when she kissed him, he thought his heart might combust.

Was she willing, after all? Did he not have to take her by force?

Her kisses were insistent, coaxing him until he finally opened up… until he was all but ready to give in. To let go. Her lips were soft and she tasted of wine… and her hair flowed easily through his fingers as he held her face in his palm - as they continued to kiss, as he breathed her in, filling his lungs with the intoxicating smell of roses.

Everything about her tonight sent his blood in a rage and he would have gladly taken her were it not for the sudden wetness on his palm. Opening his eyes, he saw that she had started to cry, and he had no idea why. Perhaps, despite her show of bravery, she remained, after all, fearful. And he couldn’t blame her. He sometimes feared himself.

Now, he listened quietly as she fell asleep, as her breathing evened out and she sighed, relaxed at last. He had not been able to do it. He realized he would never be able to do it, not unless she wanted him to.

Because she was different from the rest. She was… special.

And he wanted her willing or not at all.

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RoseC9999
#1
Please Update I really enjoy it
Eva_abril #2
Chapter 17: update please ...
The story is interesting, I love it.
Eva_abril #3
Chapter 17: Cuando actualizas...me gusto mucho tu historia
Actualiza pronto..
moviegirl71 #4
Chapter 17: Loving this story! You do such a good job writing. Waiting eagerly for an update!
WangMay #5
Chapter 17: I’m in love with this fanfic! Seriously, its so interesting, so well written! Please update soon, I can’t wait to see SoSoo relationship to realy start. You’re amazing!
Kisses from Brazil!
Denisecynth
#6
Chapter 12: Wow, this chapter is action-packed. And I swear I could see/imagine every movement happening during the fight. Your writing is superb. You're really amazing. ❤️
Denisecynth
#7
Chapter 11: PS. I can't wait for SoSoo's relationship to go up a notch. SoSoo is ❤️❤️
Denisecynth
#8
Chapter 11: Another thing I love about your stories, aside from the beautiful writing, is the wisdom. It is reflected on every piece you write and I love you more for it. I love how I'm just not getting feels from your works but also information and wisdom. Stay awesome and thank you for this ❤️
Denisecynth
#9
Chapter 1: I feel like I'm watching a movie instead of reading words on a screen. Your writing has that effect, all the details and the way the words come together to form sentences and the choice of words--I'll never get tired of telling you this: your writing is beautiful. This story is very compelling and it's just the first chapter ! Can't wait to read the rest but I felt I had to comment first.
Ashelline_aisha #10
Chapter 11: Please update soon! ❤❤❤