I ed up.

Admittedly, it was my fault. I should have broken up with Seolhyun a long time ago. I should have been honest from the beginning. Of course she’s gonna think I’m an .

We’ve been seeing each other for two years, but the relationship never progressed. I care for her deeply, especially given the time we’ve been together…but it’s just not love.

Things weren’t supposed to be this complicated if I wasn’t stupid and just waited. I knew Dara and Jiyong will break up eventually; it was just a matter of time. But who knew it would take them six years? I guess I became lonely and needed someone to fill the gap while Dara was not available and Seolhyun was the unlucky one who did that for me.

I’m in my house, waiting for Hyoseob. I don’t want to be alone right now but unfortunately I can’t call Hyuk or Minho. They’re probably still pissed at me because they haven’t contacted me since that night I walked out on them, so that only leaves me Hyoseob who has no idea what’s going on. He’ll probably curse at me too when he finds out, but I’d rather take that than be alone right now.

I’ve finished a six pack and now working on my second. My goal is to get drunk so I can sleep and forget these thoughts running through my head, but so far it’s not working. What happened earlier keeps repeating and guilt just keeps eating me. I really ed up but I don’t know how else to deal with it.

~~FLASHBACK~~

Seolhyun’s schedule finally matched with mine and I’m taking this opportunity to meet with her. Relationships between idols, or celebrities for that matter, are usually treated delicately and kept under wraps. I don’t and never had any problem with that. It just makes handling the relationship a little more difficult since we always have to hide, but you get used to it eventually. You should learn from me. Been doing it for two years and almost nobody knows about us.

The truth is...partly the reason why I have no issues hiding it is because I don’t want Dara to know about us. It's also why I’m always cautious, sometimes even more than Seolhyun when we’re in public. She never complains though. She can get into big trouble if her agency finds out so she complies with everything I tell her to do, so long as it ensures the secrecy of the relationship.

“Oppa, have you been waiting long?” Seolhyun asks as she enters our apartment. An apartment I am renting under my brother’s name as part of keeping our relationship a secret. This is where we usually meet, away from prying eyes of the public and the paparazzi.

She walks towards the sofa, removing her cap, sunglasses and mask in the process. This entire ensemble she usually uses to disguise herself since one can never be too careful. She sits on my lap, placing my arms around her and cuddling me. “I missed you.” she says, releasing a deep sigh due to the comfort of my presence.

I don’t respond. Instead, I rub my hand on her back while trying to think of how I can open the dreaded conversation of breaking up with her.

“Have you had breakfast yet? I cooked some bacon and eggs.” I said, trying to remove her from me to create some distance but she hung on me tighter.

“Just give me one more minute.” she replies. “I haven’t seen you for three weeks. Let me savor this moment. Once our promotion starts, I don’t know when I’ll have time to see you again.” She buries her head on the crook of my neck.

I forgot. The reason we haven’t been seeing each other lately is because of their comeback and me preparing for my own album. Or maybe I just wasn’t paying attention anymore.

I let her have her way and leave her on top of me. She starts kissing my neck, trailing to my jaw and making its way to my mouth. I definitely wasn’t in the mood, but I let her do what she wants to do. This will be the last time anyway.

When she notices I wasn’t kissing her back, she stops and raises her head to look at me. “What’s wrong, oppa?” she asks pouting.

I wanted to get to the point but I couldn’t. My gut tells me it’s not time yet. “Nothing. Just tired, I guess.” I respond, giving a short smile to assure her.

“Did you not sleep again? I told you to stop being so workaholic. It’s not as if you need the money with all the royalties you’re getting.” she scolds me.

This is something we always argue about. Money and time. Sure, I had to blow her off a couple of times because I was on a momentum when making songs but it’s not as if she doesn’t get anything out of it. Should I remind her about the limited edition Louis Vuitton bag she pestered me to buy for her last time? Because I definitely didn’t get the money for that while I was sleeping.

Feeling my temper rising, I lift her off of me and face her. “You know I’m working on my album. Of course I’m not going to get much sleep. But I’m here, aren’t I?”

“What’s the use of you being here when you’re not even paying attention to me? I know you’re busy, but so am I. We haven’t seen each other for three weeks! The least you could do is act like you missed me too!” she rants.

I hate it when she nags. I hate the shrill of her voice. It’s like there’s a drill burrowing through my ear. How the hell did I endure this for two years?

I release an exasperated sigh. “Look, I’m sorry. I’ve been dealing with some things lately and I feel like I’m way in over my head.” I explain. I reached for her hand but she pulled away.

“When have you never been this way, Jiho?! You’re always dealing with something! Before, it was your mother. The other time, it was your brother. This time, who is it? Is it your father? Your cousin? Tell me!” she continues her tirade.

I can’t hold my temper any longer. Not when she starts involving my family. “Why do you even care?! Remember what you told me last time? You told me ‘It’s your family. You deal with it.’ so why are you interested now?! Don’t pretend like you care, because you never did! You didn’t even want to meet my parents!” I fired back.

To be honest, things probably would turn out different if she had met my parents. That would have been the biggest sign that I should take her and this relationship seriously. I used to think that ma