Dear Tiffany

The Paradox of Loving Her
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Taetae

Wanna hang out? I miss you. x

                                                                                                         Miss u too. But you have work and meetings to do.

Okay. I’ll see u soon as soon as
i am finished.

                                                                                                                        Take ur time.

Love you, Miyoung-ah.

                                                                                                                        Loveyou too, Taetae.

 

 

I tossed my phone to my side and stared blankly at the ceiling. I feel grateful that I am privileged to take leaves whenever I want, but I didn’t expect that I’ll get bored this quick. I am tempted to text Taeyeon back and tell her to see me and hang out together, but I can’t. I don’t want to spoil myself anymore around her, especially when I sense that there’s something off.

 

It would be easy if I am the only one who’s thinking about it, but Jessica who’s very much close to Taeyeon has noticed it too.

 

Here. I know that it’s invading Taeyeon’s privacy. I was planning to give it to her, but I thought that this might help for you to finally make your decision.

 

I stared at the timeworn notebook lying on my coffee table, my attention fully on the K.T.Y. initials imprinted on its cover. I sluggishly reached for it and resumed laying down on my couch.

 

Taeyeon isn’t really the type of person who write diaries, so it surprised me that she managed to do something like this. But then, I recalled that time when Dean said that he once accidentally saw Taeyeon writing a diary with an opening introduction having my name. This must be it.

 

I the faded cover of the blue notebook and let out a sigh. I pursed my lips and braced myself for the things that I’m about to read. I flipped the book to its first page and started reading.

 

February 27, 2007

 

Dear Tiffany,

 

I thought you were just kidding when you told me last week that you don’t want to be my best friend anymore, but you weren’t. I gave you space, thinking that you might be just on your period that day and you’re just letting out your frustrations on me. But again, I was wrong. If I only knew that it would be the last time that I would see you, I should have never let you leave like that. You didn’t even give me any reasons. You just left me. That was rude you know. If you have problems with me or anything, you should have talked to me about it. I thought I am your best friend, Miyoung-ah? Why did you do that? Why?

 

I’m sorry, Taeyeon-ah. I shouldn’t have left that day. I know it was very selfish and childish of me. I should have talked it out with you first. I know it was rude. I’m sorry. You are my best friend, Tae. You always will be. It’s just… I can’t deal with my insecurities and I had to let you go before I get hurt too much. But I was wrong, so very wrong.

 

I moved to the next page and starting to read the next entry. My eyes began to water from guilt.

 

February 28, 2007

 

Dear Tiffany,

 

You didn’t come to school again today. Do you dislike me that much? I dropped by to your house after classes hoping I could talk to you, but the butler flatly told me that ‘Miss Hwang cannot be disturbed right now. She’s not here, Miss Kim.’ I wanted to tell him to piss off but I don’t want to be rude to ahjussi. I know that you’re in your room. I saw your personal maid bringing dinner to your room. Did you hear me, Miyoung-ah?

 

There will never be a time that I will dislike you, Taeyeon-ah. I didn’t come to school that day because I don’t want to face you after what I’ve done. And I didn’t want to regret my decision that time. I know that you came to our house that day, Taeyeon-ah. I heard you pleading to Yoo ahjussi that night. I want to go out from the room and see you. I was barely holding myself. I wanted to see you and take back my words. But I can’t do that. I was still bound to leave you anyways. I have to follow Daddy’s decision since I already got a two-year extension in Seoul right after middle school.

 

Tears are already falling down on my cheeks. I don’t want to stain Taeyeon’s old diary so I wiped my tears away. The emotions she had put while writing every word in her entry is raw. I can’t even believe that she has managed to write this despite of hurting.

 

March 1, 2007

 

Dear Tiffany,

 

I was excited to come to school today hoping you have changed your mind and come back. It’s my birth month you know. And you were always the one who’s excited about it. But as soon as the homeroom began, our adviser announced that you’re not going to be with the class anymore not until graduation. What’s the problem, Miyoung-ah? Is there something wrong?

 

There isn’t a day that I wouldn’t forget Taeyeon’s birth month, especially her birthday. Every spring, I think about the things that would have transpired if I hadn’t left her. I felt excitement when March is coming, planning on what should I do to surprise Taeyeon. But every time I get excited, reality hits me hard and ruins my day.

 

If Taeyeon just knew that I tried convincing my dad to see her for the last time. If she only knew what I really felt for her.

 

March 9, 2007

 

Dear Tiffany,

 

I was hoping that you’re finally going to stop this prank that you’re pulling on me since it’s my birthday. I waited for you again to come into our house today and take back your words, but you didn’t. I went again to your house, hoping to at least see you. It’s my birthday, you know. But the moment I asked the butler, he told me that you already left for Los Angeles. I just laughed at him at that moment. I thought that he’s just kidding to shoo me away. But I barged my way in to your room, no one stopped me. As soon as I entered, it’s the same pink-themed room. But the difference was, you’re not there. I checked your closet, your favorite clothes already gone. You really left, huh? You haven’t even given me the chance to tell you that I love you, not just as my best friend but as to who you are. You’re so selfish, Miyoung-ah. You didn’t even wait for graduation.

 

I even asked our friends if they know something about your sudden attitude but they told me that didn’t know anything. Should I believe them?

Worst birthday ever.

 

I know, Taeyeon. I know. I remember that particular night when I waited until the time had struck to twelve in the midnight. I was about to call you, to send you a message and greet you a happy birthday. I wanted to, but if I did that, it would just be worse for the both of us. I don’t want to confuse you with my actions back then so I decided to stick with my dad’s plans for me.

 

After reading those entries, I realized two things – it wasn’t really my misunderstanding with Jessica on why I left Taeyeon. It was because of my own trust issues. I was so afraid that I might hear another lie from her again.

Sure it must have been a casual, harmless lie, but not for me. The teenage version of me was so afraid that she might tolerate Taeyeon. I admit that I was too paranoid back then. I shouldn’t have.

 

Another thing that I have realized is that, I cannot hold back my dad’s plans for me anymore. As I might have mentioned before, I already extended my stay in Seoul for two more years just to be with Taeyeon in high school.

 

Wit

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leehamtaf
Isang trashtalk pa kay Tiffany, ipapasok ko talaga si Seolhyun. Lol jk. Love you, SONE xx

Comments

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cmblue3930
#1
Chapter 32: Update plss
kennjoy02 #2
Chapter 32: Please update soon missing the story
prettysimple #3
Chapter 24: I do like the story alot. You can't help but anticipate what will happen next.
Thank you for writing.
kennjoy02 #4
Chapter 32: Please update this soon i really like the story :)
kennjoy02 #5
Chapter 32: Please update soon :)
adelliew1919 #6
Chapter 32: Thks for the update. So sweet of Tae to fly to Fany for anniversary. Fish..your description made me laugh oy loud
wahidah1975
#7
Chapter 32: Fish friend..hahaha
sunnyren12
#8
Chapter 32: the fish part tho. HAHAHAHAAH
aglaonema #9
Chapter 32: Sweet