In which Sojung takes a shot at love.

They say that love changes people. That it makes them happier. It’s true, I can vouch for that. Because I was in love too.

“Hey, sorry I can’t get dinner with you today. I didn’t think that you’d actually come. How about tomorrow? My treat,” the girl flashed me a grin. 

The train was full but as cliche as it sounds, it felt like it was only us two at that moment.

“Sure,” I smiled back.

“Here, give me your number and I’ll text you,” she said and handed me her phone. I keyed it in and handed it back. “See you tomorrow! And thanks for coming!” 

With that, I watched her board the train on the opposite side of the platform.

It was only the first time I met her in person but somehow, I felt my heart flutter.

-

It became a routine.

Every Friday, I would pop by her college to have lunch with her. Over time, even her friends became my friends. We would have lunch together before they got back to work. 

But instead of sitting with them after lunch, she would do her work beside me.

“You looked a bit lonely all by yourself,” she said.

It wasn’t much, but it made me all warm inside anyway.

-

I opened the classroom door and looked around, blinking to adjust my eyes to the sudden darkness.

“Oh, Sojung is here. Your friend is dead over there,” one of her friends pointed over to the other end of the room.

She had made herself comfortable on two chairs with one arm over her eyes and the other on her stomach. She had texted me she wasn’t well.

I quietly placed my bag down and pulled a chair over to her. I felt bad for waking her but I knew I had to for her to take her medicine.

“Eunha,” I said softly and touched her shoulder. She roused and pushed herself to sit up.

“You’re here,” she patted my knee. “And you brought my meds, thank you.”

I watched her drink, watched her expression change as the bitterness of the liquid hit her.

“Do you need water?”

“No it’s fine, I just didn’t think it would be this bitter. Are you staying?”

“Till my friend finishes her class.”

“Great, you can hang with us till then,” she grinned. She brought her laptop over and began showing me the videos that she and her friends had made.

Somehow, time flew by without me even noticing.

I packed up my stuff and was about to stand when I felt an arm across my shoulder and a body pressed to my back.

“Got to go?”

“My friend is done,” I said and raised a hand to touch her arm.

“See you soon then.” She said and the warmth retreated.

It was a strange thought for someone to have when you’ve only known them for a few months…

But I wished she would hug me like this all the time.

-

I had been sitting behind her silently as they discussed their project. They seemed really into it and I didn’t want to disturb.

Then I saw her hand reach behind towards me. Without thinking much, I placed my hand into hers and she tightened her grip without faltering in the explanation she was giving. It all seemed so… natural. I watched as she talked and listened attentively all whilst having a firm grip on my hand. It was… attractive.

She released it to gesture at the screen and so I pulled out my phone for entertainment only for her to do the same subtle action when she was done.

Maybe it was then that I realized how much I liked her.

-

Our friend was giving us a ride home. We decided to go to her place since it was still early. We were in the backseat and she was on her phone.

With what little courage I had, I reached for her left hand and she let me. I twiddled with her fingers and traced the lines on her palm. The only reaction she gave was a smile when I looked towards her.

So what does this all mean?

-

We became closer. And closer. 

I made her a scrapbook of the eight months we spent together as a birthday gift. 

She taught me how to play the guitar and sang for me.

She opened up to me about her family, and so I told her about mine.

We began to read each other well.

-

“Sojung ah!” she called from afar. She pulled out the house keys from her pocket and handed them to me. “Go home first okay? I’ll be going out with a friend tonight but I’ll buy you dinner on the way back.”

I nodded with a dumb smile as she placed the keys in my hand.

“I’ll get going now, see you later!”

I watched her jog back to her work friends before making my way to the train station.

Home. 

Her house had become my second home.

Her dad was away for a couple of days which was why she could give me the keys without getting nagged at. 

I stood in front of the door for a moment just staring at the keys in hand. 

It felt strange to unlock the door and enter the house as if it were mine. 

I set my stuff down in the spare room and changed into the spares that I brought. Then, I received a text.

Feel free to use the tablet okay? I’ll be home as soon as I can

Okeys

One movie in and the sun had already set. I was lying on her bed, listening to the polaroids that she had hung up flap against the wall.

Another text.

I’ll be home in another hour. Have you showered? Go shower if you haven’t

Alright

She did reach in an hour with my dinner in hand. She told me what she did with her friend and waited until I was done before going to shower herself. 

When she returned, we talked a little more and I stayed in her room till she fell asleep.

I grabbed a plush from her bed and switched the lights off on my way out.

I laid in bed, thinking how perfect this all felt.

-

“Say, what if I don’t return this?” she asked and waved my transport card that she took from my lanyard.

“I guess I’ll be stuck here forever then.”

“Aren’t you gonna try and get it back?”

“I know you’ll put it back.”

She did.

But she also pulled at my lanyard, bringing me closer towards her.

All she could do was laugh at how flustered I look.

-

The train jerked and I stumbled forward.

“Any closer and we might have kissed.”

-

It was a long day. The rocking of the car was slowly lulling her to sleep so I gestured for her to sleep on my lap. 

She didn’t protest.

I placed her jacket on my lap and she settled into it. I placed my arm on her shoulder to keep her from falling forward if the car were to stop and another hand on her head.

It was the first time she seemed truly at peace after a stressful few months.

I didn’t have the heart to wake her as we neared her place but she seemed to know and got up on her own. 

She said it was late and so I stayed the night.

-

“You know, we almost kissed earlier. When I had my arm around you and we were walking and you turned to look at me. If I hadn’t looked away fast enough, we would have kissed.”

-

“Eunha?”

She had fallen asleep on my stomach. Of course.

I raised a gentle hand and placed it on her head, repeatedly her hair with my thumb as she slept. Her face was so close, so close that I could see every eyelash and the light freckles that dusted across her nose and cheeks. She had told me she used to swim a lot as a child without sunblock.

I listened to the steady breathing and stayed still to avoid waking her.

Without realizing, nearly an hour passed before she woke. 

It was always the cutest part to me.

She would take naps on most times that I’m over. Sometimes she’d stretch her legs over me or sometimes she’d just curl up. But the most endearing side of her that I hold close to my heart is the moment she wakes. 

With her eyes only half open and hair sticking up in places, she still made my heart race.

-

But of course, love is never perfect.

-

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

I shook the rough hand that was offered to me. He wasn’t the best looking guy, but maybe I was just bitter.

She had told me her friend was tagging along to get the battery of her phone replaced. I'd heard about this friend. She asks me what I think of him often. I didn’t know much about him other than what I heard from her, but if she took interest in him, I have nothing much to say or do. It wasn’t my place to tell her how to live her life.

But instead, I should be telling myself how to live better.

By not agreeing to join them in the first place.

To avoid seeing how he put his arm around her. How they held hands. How they fed each other over lunch.

To avoid finding out the hard way that they weren’t just the friends she said they were this whole time.

We had plans to pop by a friend’s house later that day. I thought that everything would be better when that time came.

Of course, things aren’t always that easy are they?

She told me about their kiss and how his light stubble was tickling her lips. She told me about how she gave him a hickey that he had to hide with makeup. She told me things that I never wanted to know.

“You didn’t tell me you were dating,” I said with a fake chuckle. Laughing off my feelings as usual.

“I thought you knew. I talked about him a lot.”

I was numb.

I didn’t feel like going out anymore.

For a first, I didn’t want to be around her anymore.

I sat outside in the living room while she was in her friend’s room. I could hear them messing with each other inside.

She came out of the room and saw me on my phone.

“Hey.”

Next thing I knew, she had pushed me down onto the couch and was straddling me.

“Can I pluck an eyebrow? Just one?” she says as she raised the tweezer to my head.

I was too tired to say anything else and I let her do as she wanted. She didn’t seem to realize and so I went home when they went for dinner.

-

Before I could muster the courage to confess, she confronted me.

Turns out she knew I liked her pretty early on. 

She told me she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to hurt me. 

She told me she treasured our friendship more than little things like this. 

She told me that I would always be like a sister to her.

-

I tried to get over her.

But each time I think I did, she would somehow have me falling all over again.

Stupid as I was, I let myself fall.

Over and over.

Chase the temporary happiness she gave me without thinking of the hard fall waiting for me when it ends.

-

She flirts with me.

She holds my hand.

She smiles at me with this warmth in her eyes.

But the things she tells me all seem to contradict the way she acts towards me.

-

We end up going to the same university.

We went for orientation together. And by some strange fate, we raffled ourselves into the same game house. 

It was almost like we were glued to each other for the whole day, constantly holding hands.

To others, it might have seemed almost like we were together.

Almost.

-

Just like college, I became an honorary member of her class. She said her friends would always ask her where I was.

It felt like a dream, to bump into her around campus. For us to be waving and gesturing like idiots from different levels in different blocks.

I had accepted that I’ll probably be loving her unconditionally till she finds someone else because that’s what I seem to do best.

I just didn’t think it would be this quick, though.

-

“Sojung, have you ever thought that maybe she’s lying to you? I’m not saying that she is… but from what I hear, it just sounds like she loves the attention that you’ve been giving her. Like she loves that someone is putting so much effort into her.”

“Maybe… I can barely get a temperature reading of her too. She says all these things… and yet…”

“But remember, I don’t know her personally so take my words with a pinch of- no, maybe a tablespoon of salt,” Yerin clapped me on the back. “Whatever it is, I just hope you try not to hurt yourself more.”

-

I think I finally get it.

Maybe it's time to let go.

[A/N] Rough greeting with the sudden angst bomb :P I hope everyone has been healthy and staying home! I also hope that domestic conditions have been safe and favourable for all :) I've spent a lot of my time gaming and reading mangas these days so I think my introvert is pretty much covered xD As usual, do let me know your thoughts! This is quite a different writing style(?) or rather a way of writing that I just did on a whim. Till next time!