I hate me now

You remember the first time you had first laid your eyes upon the older man. You remember how you had been mesmerised by is beauty, entranced by his too pretty smile that shined as bright as the sun. You remember how your stomach had twisted when you had been caught staring, about how your face had turned red in embarrassment and how he had smiled right back at you.

I hate myself for not having butterflies

From some point,

My heart doesn’t react anymore

You remember how your hands had become clammy and warm with sweat from how nervous you had been. It was your first date and you wanted it to be perfect. But still, you reached for his hand for the first time and he had smiled, the wetness of your hand not bothering him in the slightest. He smiled and you smiled. You loved his smile, loved that it was directed at you.

Hate me now

I wish your feelings would cool down

Those eyes that look at me

I wish there was no love in them

When he laughed it was like music to your ears. He was so full of life you nearly couldn’t keep up with him. You remember when you had met his parents. You thought it was too early but he said it was better to get it over with sooner rather than later. He smiled and you couldn’t refuse.

You saw for the first time where he had gotten his kindness from. His mother was an absolute sweetheart, greeting you with a smile that was just as bright as his, hugging you tight. His brother had cornered you, told you that if you ever broke his baby brother’s heart you would end up in the hospital.

With all your heart you replied, “I would never…”

“…I promise”

Baby, you tell me

You love me so brightly

The first time you told him you loved him he cried, his hands covering his face. You panicked, fussing over him and asking him want’s wrong. Had it been too soon?

When his cries had settled he moved his hands away from his face. With wet cheeks and red eyes he looked at you, his lovely smile stretched across his face.

“I love you to.” He smiled, throwing his arms around you and landing his lips on yours. Despite the taste of salt you kissed him passionately. Your bodies become one with another, tangled in the sheets, faces red in exertion. As he slept, head resting on your chest and breath fanning across your collarbone you tenderly kissed his forehead.

“I love you so much.” You said to him in the night.

I want to tell you, me to (no no no)

When you look at me

So warmly

Do you know that’s it’s already over? (sorry)

You had been together for nine months when you moved into his apartment. The change hadn’t been big, you practically lived there anyway. He made you happy.

All you had to do was look at him and you would smile. He was perfect. Everything you had ever wanted. He loved you and you loved him.

When did it all change?

How can I say it?

When you’re still so happy

Whenever you’re with me?

You had gone on a camping trip outside the city limits. He had been so excited, smiling the entire way, the car being enveloped in constant chatter.

Setting up the tent had been filled with whines and laughter. It was small, only just big enough for both of you to fit but that didn’t matter. The closer you were to him the better. You loved having him wrapped in your arms, loved feeling his warmth right next to you. You knew he loved to nuzzle his nose into your neck, take in your scent. You would let him even though it tickled.

That night you sat under the stars as he sat between your legs with his back against your chest. You rested your chin on his shoulder, your hand under his shirt rubbing circles on his stomach. He smiled as he looks up at the stars. You looked at the stars as well, only your star was right in front of you, your little star.

“My star.” You whispered, to quiet he didn’t hear you.

How can I say it?

I can’t bear to tell you

That my heart has already left

Oh how can I say?

When was it? When did you realise your heart no longer raced when you looked at him? When did the excitement leave? You had no idea. You just knew it was gone and you knew it wasn’t coming back.

I hate me now

I hate myself for being like this

For feeling so comfortable

When I’m away from you

It became a routine. He would smile at you and you would smile back. He wanted to go somewhere and you would go. He would tell you he loved you and you would say it back. He would believe you even though you no longer meant it. He would believe you like there was no doubt in his mind that what was coming out of your mouth was full of lies.

You enjoyed the time you spent away from him. The times where you were alone and didn’t have to pretend anymore. You would make up excuses as to why you couldn’t come home, work was busy and they needed you to stay back and like always he would smile, say that he understood and wait up for you to come back, a sleepy smile on his face as he kissed you and welcomed you home.

It hurt.

Hate me now

I wish you would figure it out

Don’t show me a smile

With those endlessly clear eyes

You were being selfish, you knew you were. It wasn’t fair to him. You no longer loved him but he adored you. You were the centre of his universe.

When he looked at you, you would see the stars, his smile shining just as bright. That smile you once loved, you now hated. It’s what kept you from leaving. He was so pretty when he smiled, so open and you didn’t want to change that. You didn’t want to hurt him.

“Don’t smile at me.” You pleaded inside your head. “I don’t deserve it.”

(I don’t love you no more)

No more

You didn’t love him anymore.

(I don’t love you no more)

I want to love you but I can’t

You wanted nothing more than for the I love you’s that left your mouth to be true, but it had long since passed that.

(I don’t love you no more)

My heart has already left

Your heart was no longer his, but he didn’t know that.

(I don’t love you no more)

I can’t love you no more

“I’m sorry…”

Oh how can I….

You look at the apartment you had been living with him for years, look at all of the memories made, all of the good times spent. You know this is going to break his heart. You wanted to protect him but in the long run all you did was hurt him more, even if he hadn’t realised it.

You pick up the bag stuffed with your belongings. It’s lighter than it should be with how long you’ve spent there but you only take what you need. Your eyes land on the table, stopping at the piece of paper you had placed there. You know it’ll be the first thing he sees when he gets home, knows his face will crumble when he reads its contents, knows his smile will disappear. You know this but you also know it’s for the better.

You’re selfish.

You’re a coward.

But you know if you see him, if he smiles at you, even though your heart has already left, you’ll stay because it’s him.

You take one last look before closing the door and walking away.

You don’t look back.

I’m sorry for breaking my promise

You were my first and maybe only love but sometimes love isn’t made to last

I ask for you to forget me, move on with your life

Don’t try to find me

I didn’t deserve you because you deserve the world

Be the star I know you are and shine

Shine so bright no one can look away

I loved you

Okay, so I've had the idea to write a fic using this song as soon as I had read the lyrics. Even though it did take me quite a while to actually write it when I did it didn't take me long to finish it at all. Now, if you're confused about the pairing or anything else then hopefully what I write below will explain it.

The pairing is for you to decide, well mostly anyway. The 'you' refers to either Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Jongin or Sehun, which one is for you, the reader, to decide. Jongdae is the person who they are dating and who they refer to throughout the story. Now why those four? Simply because in the first line I write this:

You remember the first time you had first laid your eyes upon the older man

These four at the ones who are younger than Jongdae. Now the 'you' in the fic is either Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Jongin or Sehun but it's also you, the reader. It's written from the perspective of one of those four, however they refer to themselves as 'you' as sort of a way of distancing them self from everything if that makes sense. I don't know how well I did explaining this but if you have anymore questions I'm more then happy to answer them!

I think I did alright for this being my first song fic. If you haven't already feel free to check out my other stories :)