“Your days are numbered.” That’s all Kiran had heard for the past eight months of her life when she discovered the sad truth that her own heart was failing her. And at the ripe but delicate age of twenty-one, it was definitely not the kind of thing she wanted to hear. Not when she was ready to take on everything. But such was life and sooner rather than later, she came to accept that her very own being depended on someone else’s ceasing of existence. A sound from the beeping machine she would always carry around, could instantly make her healthy again. If only it rang. Kiran had received the beeper two months after she discovered she was going to die if she didn’t get a heart transplant and had waited six months for it to finally ring, but to no success. She didn’t take it seriously at first. However, the saying that her days were numbered, grew heavier with each passing second that the beeper didn’t make a sound. But just when she was ready to succumb to her eternal sleep among the stars, just when her heart was in its final moments before ceasing to function, fate decided that it was still not Kiran’s time to go. A thousand and seventy heartbeats away from her death, Kiran had the teeth to smile when she heard the unmistakable beep that signaled a second chance at life for her. It came, however, at a pricey cost.

*****

Doctors running, doctors panicking, doctors screaming. Whatever hope Jongin had, started to slowly fade away. Aera would not make it, that much he could understand by now. But it didn’t mean he would accept it. The doctors declared her brain dead and he knew there was no turning back from that point. Not even a miracle could bring Aera back to him but that didn’t mean he would stop believing. That’s why, out of desperation and helplessness, he begged every doctor and nurse he could, to revive Aera because he couldn’t picture a life without her being there, because he loved her, because she was too young to be taken away, because she had dreams. But pity was all he got in the end. “We did the best we could” and “She wouldn’t have made it anyways” and “We’re sorry for your loss”. And at the blooming age of twenty-two, this was not the kind of thing Jongin wanted to hear. Not when he had plans of building an entire future with Aera. But such was life and sooner rather than later, Jongin would have to accept that death is irreversible no matter how much you pray for your loved one to come back. Seeing his desperation, the doctors who attended Aera didn’t have the heart to tell him that since her heart was perfectly healthy, she had previously planned to donate it to someone who needed it. The doctors didn’t tell him that as they were speaking, Aera’s heart was being rushed to save Kiran from a similar ending.

*****

When Kiran opened her eyes, she could not tell if she was dead or alive. She could only feel tiredness weighing on every bone of her body and all she could see, was a blurred face fading in a white background. She could distantly hear a beeping sound she had heard before and that’s when she put the pieces together. A smile, albeit tired, graced her lips as realization dawned upon her: she was very much alive. The joy was short-lived however, as a sharp pang shot through her heart, knocking the smile out of her lips and sending her to a troublesome sleep.

The next time Kiran opened her eyes, her hearing and vision were much clearer. She saw the outlines of what should be a hospital room. The walls were white and the only thing that had  color were the flowers on the table opposite her bed. She also saw a person sleeping in the uncomfortable chair near the table, all dressed in black. She made small and restricted movements but the noise was enough to wake Eun from his light sleep. He had never slept too much for the past year. Upon seeing Kiran conscious, he immediately got up from his chair to come to her side and see if she needed anything: water, company, explanations… But Kiran was hooked to way too many tubes to be able to speak or point to anything and before Eun could bombard her with other questions, Dr. Park Joon entered the room to examine if Kiran had already gained consciousness. He was pleased to witness so.

“I see you’re awake, Kiran and this is a positive sign. It was a very difficult procedure but you’re up six hours after it and that is quite admirable.” Dr. Park was happily taking notes. Kiran pondered upon the doctor’s words. It had been six hours that she had been knocked out but it had felt like an eternity. Six long hours of being in limbo, trying to adjust to a new heart that had saved her life and that Kiran would have to call hers. Her mind involuntarily wandered off to the person who had had to die in order to donate that heart to her, when the same pain that struck her when she first opened her eyes, shot through her once more, only this time stronger than before. The look of pain reflected in her face made both the doctor and Eun worry for a moment but it soon scattered away as if it had never happened in the first place. Kiran wanted to scream. She felt as if her new heart was rejecting to work in her body but she was strapped to too many tubes, one of them even in  and she could not speak even if the tubes weren’t there because she was tired. Eun worriedly asked the doctor if it was Kiran’s new heart acting up or something else and the doctor quickly told him that the organ was compatible with her; otherwise she would not be alive at all. So Eun silently observed Kiran, who now had a dazed look in her face after the painful episode. Having known her for a long time, he knew she was thinking about something. But he decided to put worrisome thoughts aside and focus on the fact that Kiran was now awake and very much alive.

*****

It had been two months since Aera had departed for another world and Jongin could still not come to terms with that. He had visited her grave every single day without a fail and everyday it was the same suffering, the same tears, the same wish: for Aera to come back to him because he couldn’t go on without her. It had been useless trying to talk to him; he wouldn’t listen to anyone. Not even Aera’s parents, who were still grieving but had accepted the death of their daughter, could talk him out of his sadness. It almost felt like Jongin didn’t want to get out of that state anyways. He was in pain, in deep pain, but at least there he had memories of Aera, he wasn’t alone. Moving on to him meant forgetting and he couldn’t afford to forget Aera and leave her behind. He had made a promise to love her forever and he would keep that promise because such had been their feelings. So he made it into his everyday mission to come visit her, talk to her about how much he missed her, leave flowers in her grave because she deserved to be surrounded by beautiful things.

Two weeks after Aera’s burial, her parents had approached Jongin to tell him that before her time of dying, their daughter had decided to donate her heart to someone who needed it. The news came as a shock to Jongin and his reaction was one to be expected. He threw a fit to Aera’s parents as to how they had silently accepted that their daughter’s vital organ be given to a stranger. He could not grasp the fact that a part of Aera was now scattered in the body of someone who didn’t even know who she was. It almost felt as if she had died with the sole purpose of donating her heart to that person. Jongin had thought that Aera’s death was the cruelest trick life had decided to play on him, but upon hearing about the heart donation, he felt as if life had blown him a second shot. He felt his own heart tearing apart all over again and he fell into a new stage of anger directed not only towards nature or whatever force that had decided to take Aera away, but also towards her parents and the person who had received his lover’s heart. Hate filled every fiber of his being and he vowed to Aera that he would do anything to revenge the desecration of her body.

*****

Five months had passed and Kiran was out of hospital care. She had to go back every week for regular check-ups to see how the new heart was cooperating with the rest of her body, but the visits so far had been positive. She had fully accepted the organ and with discipline and patience, she would be able to lead a happy and normal life as anyone her age should do. Eun had been there with her in every step of her slow and long path to recovery. He had been there to help feed her when she couldn’t do it herself, help her walk when her feet still couldn’t carry her weight. Upon discovering Kiran’s heart problem, Eun had almost become a shadow of himself. She had been his lover for five years and the sudden realization that he could lose her, shocked him to the core. He had skipped meals and sleep just to be with her every single moment. It had broken Kiran’s heart seeing him in such a condition that she had decided to fight not only for her life but for Eun’s as well. She felt as if she was dragging him to the grave with her, when he had all reasons to live and be happy. That’s why upon getting her new heart, Kiran made double the effort to recover. If it meant Eun would recover with her, then she would be more than willing to help.

Even though the visits to the hospital had been full of positive comments about her quick recovery, Kiran still suffered from random pain attacks like the ones she had when waking up after the operation. She had even told the doctor about it but he had dismissed them as situational episodes of pain and had advised she didn’t tire and stress herself. But Kiran found no peace even after the doctor’s statement. The pain would strike her in the most random times, even when she had been well-rested and stress-free. That’s why she took no comfort in the doctor’s words. To her, the new heart was refusing to fully cooperate with her inner systems for reasons beyond rest and stress. She sometimes felt as if the blood-pumping organ would explode out of her chest and go out to where it could find the rest it was looking for. She felt incomplete, always missing something that not even Eun could provide. While he loved her as he’d always done, Kiran grew odder towards the relationship they had. She had made all the efforts for Eun because she was grateful for everything he had done for her, but if asked if she still loved him, she couldn’t answer for sure. Before her transplant, she would have chosen Eun above anyone or anything else because she was very much in love with him. But something had definitely changed after her surgery. It seemed like the new heart didn’t recognize Eun as her lover. No matter how much she tried blaming the pain to the difficulty of the transplant procedure, the ache she felt in reality was similar to the one you feel when you see your lover suffering. But Eun was not in such conditions. He seemed to have gained his health back and he looked happier than ever. So the ache was definitely not related to him. Then who was it linked to? Kiran was curious but also scared to find out. The thought of her donor suddenly found its way back to her mind and she couldn’t help but wonder that in fact, she had never known who her savior was. She had been busy recovering and trying to maintain a new lifestyle for these past five months and that hadn’t allowed her to ask about the person whose heart she was now bearing. She made a mental note to ask the doctors about that, next time she went to the hospital for a check-up.

*****

After much insisting and persuasion on his part, Jongin had finally learned the identity of the person who had gotten Aera’s heart. A girl named Im Kiran, twenty-one years old, suffering from a heart failure. She was almost the same age as Aera and she had gotten her heart to continue living. Jongin had asked the doctors if Aera’s parents knew about Kiran and they confirmed it for him. The surprise Jongin went through was almost the same as when they told him that Aera had decided to donate her heart. Just what were these people up to? How could they so easily accept that their daughter be split to pieces and that those pieces be given to random strangers? Jongin also asked the doctors if Kiran knew who her donor was and when he heard them say she didn’t, he felt a huge wave of hate wash over him. Just who was this ungrateful girl who had gotten Aera’s heart and hadn’t even bothered learning who had saved her life? Jongin was now more determined than ever to find Kiran and teach her one thing or two about respect and gratefulness. That’s why, upon going back home that day, he searched for a picture of Kiran online, so that he could memorize her face and start looking for her.

He didn’t need to search much or too far because fate brought Kiran in front of him when he most wanted it. He went to visit Aera’s grave that Friday, just as he had done for the past six months. But he was surprised to find that there was someone putting flowers on Aera’s memorial, more specifically a girl. He found it strange because all of Aera’s friends had visited her grave a few days ago. Just when the girl turned to leave, he caught sight of her face and saw that she was in fact no friend of Aera’s. She was Im Kiran, the girl who had stolen Aera’s heart. Rage and hate built inside him and what followed next was completely out of Jongin’s control.

“You have no right to be here.” His voice was full of poison. “You have no right to come to her grave and leave flowers on it.”

Kiran was caught by surprise. So she turned to where the voice was coming from, with her heart wildly beating in her chest, wanting to break free from its restraints. The moment she saw his face, she couldn’t stop the tears streaming from her eyes. She couldn’t understand her reaction, she didn’t even know the guy but the tears came almost naturally to her. He seemed oblivious to that however, as he continued screaming at her.

“You have no business here so go away and never let me see you again. She doesn’t want you here. I don’t want you here. No one wants you here. You shouldn’t even be alive by now!”

Jongin had come closer to Kiran. She couldn’t comprehend a thing he was telling her, nor did she feel him approaching her. Jongin on the other hand, finally got to see her up close, just to witness the tears in her eyes. That made him stop for a second, only to become even more infuriated. Above all, she was crying. What was she even crying for? She had gotten Aera’s heart and she was alive, while his loved one was buried three meters under the ground. To jolt her out of her stupid tears and to stop himself from feeling sorry even in the slightest, he shook her by the arms.

“Didn’t you hear me? Didn’t you understand a thing I told you? You shouldn’t even be alive right now!”

“Leave her alone!”

Eun had had enough of witnessing the scene from afar. Kiran had asked him to let her go by herself to visit Aera’s grave and he respected her wish, but he had to intervene when he saw that weird guy screaming atrocities to his lover and Kiran rooted to her spot, unable to react.

“You have no right to speak to my girlfriend like that!” Eun said in a hostile voice.

“Then take your girlfriend away from the place where my girlfriend is trying to rest,” came Jongin’s answer.

So that explained his reaction to seeing Kiran there. She should have known. She could literally feel how her heart was being torn from its place and when Jongin let out a sob, she wanted nothing more than to hold him in her arms and tell him that he didn’t have to suffer on his own. But Kiran had no idea why she would want to do that. The boy had told her awful things, yet she could feel that he didn’t mean them, that he only said them because of the pain. An intense pain she could also feel. Regardless of anything, Kiran felt a sense of relief washing over her after such a long time. She found that beyond the pain, her soul had been reconnected to the soul of the boy standing in front of her. But before she could dwell more in her thoughts, Eun started ushering her away. He couldn’t bear seeing Kiran in tears, all because of the words of a mere stranger.

“Let’s go Kiran. Let’s get you away from here.”

And so he started taking her away. But that didn’t mean Kiran could stop looking at Jongin, who had now fallen to his knees while still sobbing. And for the nth time that day, she felt the air being knocked out of her lungs. She felt despair as she had never felt before. The whole display of emotions in her face didn’t go unnoticed by Eun, who was fazed for a moment and stopped in his tracks only to watch Kiran watching Aera’s lover with tears in her eyes. She even tried making a step in the boy’s direction, but Eun didn’t let her and quickly proceeded to get Kiran out of that graveyard. He knew it was a bad idea from the start. But he didn’t know that Kiran’s heart was aching as if it was forcefully being taken away from the only person it had ever loved.

*****

Two more months passed and Kiran hadn’t lived a day without thinking about her encounter with Aera’s boyfriend. After some secret research done away from an ever worrying Eun, she found out that his name was Kim Jongin and he’d been with Aera for four years. It was almost as long as she had been with Eun so this was all the more a reason to justify the hostile way he treated her when he first saw her standing beside Aera’s grave. Despite all the poison he had spat at her, Kiran could put herself in Jongin’s shoes and she knew she would have felt the same if, for example, Eun had donated his heart to Jongin. She would also feel rage upon seeing the person carrying her loved one’s heart because such was human nature. There is no easy way in accepting these things. But the thing she could not understand at all was how her heart had reacted when seeing Jongin. She couldn’t forget how much she had wanted to hug him and tell him that he would be okay because she was there for him. But come to think of it, who was she to him? She was the stranger who had gotten his girlfriend’s heart. And why would she, a stranger, want to comfort him? Because her heart wanted so. Her borrowed heart, better said. Kiran knew this reaction was way more than a human-to-human kind of feeling sorry. She could feel that. So it only left her with a somewhat worrying thought. Maybe, just maybe, the new heart she had gotten, still had her donor’s feelings in it. She could find no other way to explain the situation. She only knew that after the transplant, her feelings towards Eun hadn’t been the same. She only knew that upon seeing Jongin, she had felt somewhat complete. The thought had her worried but at the same time, it had her shocked. She soon realized it was probably stupid to even think about it. When had it ever occurred that feelings could also be transplanted alongside a heart? Not even romantic fools would utter such stupidity and for a moment, she reprimanded herself for thinking of the impossible. And the more she thought about it, she more she found it funny. Transplanting feelings alongside organs. Nonsense! She concluded that she had too much free time in her hands and that only meant that her mind could wander to the most absurd ideas it could come up with. Kiran decided to get a hobby or do something to fill her time so that her head would stop inventing such ridiculous things.

*****

Even Jongin couldn’t divert his thoughts from the encounter with Kiran. The rage he had felt upon seeing her near Aera’s grave… Jongin had never felt such a negative energy surge through him before. But the moment he had gotten close to her, the moment he’d seen the tears in her pained face, Jongin swore he had never felt like such a jerk before. Being too caught up in his own situation, he forgot that the girl in front of him had no fault in anything that had happened to her. She had been unlucky to be born with a weak heart but there had luckily been a solution after all. She didn’t know she’d end up receiving Aera’s heart, she really had no way of knowing it and for that he felt regretful. Only when he returned home that day, only when his mind was somewhat cleared, it occurred to him that Kiran was not the villain; she was actually the sad heroine of a cruel story. Her face flashed through his mind one more time. She didn’t even say a word to protect herself from his venomous attack but only spilled silent tears that he misunderstood as a mockery to him and Aera’s destiny.

Those images of Kiran haunted Jongin for two entire months that he even collapsed from a high fever and lack of sleep. His pitiful situation would infuriate Aera if she could see him. And in those moments, Jongin really hoped she couldn’t see him. He was at the lowest point of his life and the weakest he’d ever been. He knew he had to do something about it, he couldn’t mourn over Aera forever, but he just couldn’t find it in himself to move on without her. It almost felt like abandoning her, like leaving her behind and Jongin didn’t want to do that. But he also didn’t want to continue living only half a life. He decided he would slowly turn things around and get back to normal, one step at a time. He would have to double the effort to do that because this time he was completely on his own. There was no Aera to support him, so he had to turn that weakness into his strength. Aera had left him with so many beautiful thoughts of the two and that’s where Jongin could find the force to carry on.

*****

Ten months after her operation, the doctors said that Kiran was now leading a perfectly normal and healthy life. She was careful with her diet, medication and general lifestyle, so naturally all those factors had contributed to a quicker recovery than expected. Overstraining and overstressing were still no-go’s for her, but so far she had managed just fine. The doctors congratulated her once more and called her case a miracle even though Kiran would beg to differ. She had had the time to do a lot of thinking about her entire situation. And the more she thought, the more she couldn’t find answers. She still had random pain attacks even though they had become less frequent by now. Their intensity was the same and the doctors still could not give an explanation to that. According to any check-up and analysis, her heart was perfectly healthy and in sync with her body that she didn’t need to worry over small and random episodes of pain.

As to her situation with Eun, that was another unanswered question in her life. In what point of their relationship were they? Eun was ever so present in anything she did and she felt grateful for it. Kiran doubted she would have made it alone. But with gratefulness started and ended everything. It was impossible for her to feel any more than that towards him. And Eun felt it, he saw how she changed after her operation but he didn’t have the guts to confront Kiran. He was scared she would tell him out loud that their relationship had been stuck for quite some months now. He wasn’t blind nor was he a fool not to understand that Kiran only saw him as a pillar of support but not as a source of love. He had played the part of a best friend more than a boyfriend and he didn’t even have the heart to complain to Kiran about that. He knew she had gone through a very rough surgery and he knew that her path to recovery would not be an easy one so he had resolved to let everything to time. He had decided to wait for Kiran to feel better and then they could resume their relationship normally. But with her being mostly absentminded and feeling distant from him even when they were together, Eun concluded that what Kiran often said to him mystically was real: she was a changed person after her operation. Her new heart was anatomically compatible with her, yes, but it would never be fully hers. It would always be Aera’s heart that she had received out of pure chance. Eun had a soft spot when it came to Kiran, so soft that he didn’t have the strength to hate her for not loving him anymore or confront her even if she would have preferred that. So out of a certain fear of breaking free, he quietly stayed by Kiran’s side, fully knowing that she was not the girl he had fallen in love with years ago.

*****

It would have been their fifth anniversary together but instead Jongin found himself commemorating the first anniversary of Aera’s death. Seasons had changed, flowers had bloomed and withered. Time had no mercy for him just as it didn’t have for nobody else. Every day of that year had been a day spent without Aera, wishing she would be there with him, missing her to death. The pain had significantly subdued; such was the effect of time, but Jongin still found himself caught between memories at times. It mostly happened at nights, when all that surrounded him were images of the both of them together. Not that he had much human interaction during the day, but at night it got especially worse. However, he had made a promise to Aera and himself that he would slowly get back to normal and he really did put the effort to do that. He got back to work, got back to his usual routine as an adult ready to move on from a painful stage of his life.

That day, nevertheless, the day of Aera’s first death anniversary, he willingly allowed himself to be conquered by pain and sorrow again. It wasn’t the same as it had been a year ago, he could make the difference. The pain came as a sort of emptiness in his heart, a hollowness that would be difficult to fill. That day, he visited Aera’s grave twice: first alongside her and his parents, to mark the first year of her absence and then alone to talk to her as he hadn’t done in a long time. Part of getting back on track, had been reducing the visits to Aera’s grave from every day, to every week at first, then to every month and then to once every some months. But the second time he went to visit Aera’s grave that day, he was surprised to see someone else there. He thought he could well recognize that back view, he had seen it once some months ago and he hadn’t been able to forget it. She didn’t notice she wasn’t alone anymore and Jongin cautiously approached her.

*****

But before she saw him, Kiran could feel his presence as her heart went on a frenzy. An unexplainable wave of sadness washed over her and before she knew it, tears had pooled in her eyes. She found herself unable to move until she felt him coming right next to her. She dared to turn her head to him and beyond her tears and heartache, she saw his side profile and thought that he was the most handsome boy she had ever seen. Feeling her eyes upon him, Jongin turned his face to look at her but Kiran couldn’t read his expression. She was petrified from his handsomeness but the proximity between the both reminded her of their scary first encounter, there, in the same place they were now. Acting on impulse, she lightly bowed to him.

“I know I shouldn’t be here. I’m really sorry, I’ll get going.” And then she turned around to leave.

Jongin was caught by surprise; Kiran gave him no time or chance to speak or do anything. Upon seeing her there, he too was reminded of their first encounter and how brutal he had been to her. Jongin had promised to himself that given the chance, he would apologize for what he had told her that fateful day. But that chance slipped away from him, as Kiran almost ran to get out of that place as soon as she could. He thought she was scared of him and concluded that it would be no surprise. She was probably afraid he would explode in front of her once more and to avoid another painful confrontation, she had chosen to do precisely what he had told her the first time; leave. And before getting away, she had even apologized to him, but what for? Sorry for his loss, sorry for being there, sorry for receiving his lover’s heart? Now that he could see things clearly, Jongin felt even worse for having made Kiran feel as if the whole situation was her fault. So he turned to the grave where Aera’s body rested and asked for her help to make this whole situation better. He had to mend things and apologize to Kiran and he wanted to do that sooner rather than later.

*****

It was Kiran’s and Eun’s sixth anniversary but none of them were in the mood to celebrate. Their relationship had become even more aloof in the past three months and they both knew they’d have to talk about it soon enough. But still, for the day of their sixth anniversary, Eun had gone all out and had prepared a special dinner for them, hoping to rekindle whatever feeling there might have been left between the two. He took the effort to cook two of Kiran’s favorite foreign dishes: scallops with cream and mushrooms and ravioli with black truffle cream sauce. He chose Kiran’s favorite dessert, vanilla éclair and opted for lemonade since she couldn’t drink alcohol. Needless to say Kiran was speechless when she saw the feast he had cooked for her but beyond the gratefulness she felt, she could also see the desperation behind Eun’s actions. She could see it in herself as well, in how she clung to a very tiny bit of hope that this distance between them was just her trying to get used to her new life with the new heart. But more than a year after her operation, she found the excuse had gone cold. She had to face Eun sooner or later and he’d have to do the same before they could go any longer with the act.

And so on their sixth anniversary together, Kiran decided that there would be no greater gift to the both of them than an honest talk. They were in desperate need of it and Kiran had to take matters into her own hands, for Eun would never do it. After ten minutes of them eating in complete silence, when she could no longer continue pretending, Kiran spoke softly but surely.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Eun immediately stopped eating. He knew this sentence would come one day but it still surprised him to actually hear it. Looking in Kiran’s eyes, he saw some sort of pained determination to clarify their relationship once and for all.

“I never wanted to do this under these circumstances, I never wanted us to come into this situation in the first place but I can’t do this any longer, Eun, I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Now it was Kiran’s turn to be surprised. “I knew this talk would happen any day now but I didn’t expect it to happen on this exact day.”

Eun had to be sincere. No matter how much he understood the situation and Kiran’s changed feelings, he couldn’t hide the fact that he was disappointed that their story had come to this point. Breaking up on the day when they should be celebrating.

“I won’t lie to you, Kiran. I never took the courage to talk to you about us even though I could see how we were growing distant. Because I was afraid. We’ve gone through a lot. Six years together are no joke, really. I thought today would be the perfect day to try and restore what we once had but I know it’s impossible.”

“I’m so sorry, Eun.” Kiran could do nothing more than sincerely apologize to the man in front of her, whom she had once loved with all her heart.

“Don’t be, Kiran. I don’t blame you for this, not even a bit. It’s human nature after all, isn’t it?” Eun had tears in his eyes. “People change for this and that reason and so do feelings. I completely understand that.”

“I loved you truly, Eun, I hope you know that.”

“I do, Kiran. And it’s because of that love we had that we’re having this conversation now. We’ve had so many beautiful moments together. Why turn them into bitter memories just because our feelings changed? Our love story doesn’t deserve that.”

Kiran nodded her head, allowing Eun to speak his heart. Having known him for so long, she knew he needed this, perhaps more than her.

“What our love story deserves though, is a sincere friendship between the two of us, don’t you think? I hope you’ll agree with me on this.”

Kiran did. And this suggestion took a heavy weight away from her shoulders. It gave her mind tranquility and it put a sincere smile on her face. For the first time in months, Kiran felt true to herself and her feelings and she knew Eun was feeling the same because there was also a smile on his face. An honest one. Their love story wasn’t meant to last longer than this but their friendship was bound to be forever. Because true love doesn’t simply vanish. It recreates itself in new forms, which we only need to accept.

*****

For the next three months, Jongin visited Aera’s grave almost every day, hoping Kiran would also visit again but it was all in vain. Jongin couldn’t hide that he felt a little disappointed from all this. No doubt he regretted his initial behavior towards Kiran and that was a mistake he would never forgive himself. But he felt disappointed for not being able to find Kiran again. And most of all, he was disappointed in himself when he realized that he was now visiting Aera’s grave in hopes of chancing upon Kiran there. The entire situation made him confused. Exactly what was he feeling? What was he doing? He was unwillingly offending Aera’s loving memory by visiting her while hoping he’d find someone else standing by her grave. But he also felt something inside him gravitate towards Kiran. How she’d seen him last time they met. How she’d ran away from him, scared of what would happen next. There was conflict in his heart and right now only Kiran held the key to his peace.

He casually found her when he stopped looking for her. Ironic. Even more so was the fact that he found her in the place where it all began: the hospital where Aera died and where Kiran was reborn. Even though he could only see her side profile from the outer glass window, Jongin could notice that Kiran was nervous and if his sight was correct, she had traces of tears in her eyes and cheeks.

The nurse told Kiran that Dr. Park was absent from work that day as he was attending a conference in Japan. According to the nurse, he would return in three days time so she could stop by and talk to him then. But Kiran insisted.

“You don’t understand. I need to talk to him today. It’s a matter of life and death.”

Jongin had entered the hospital and approached them without being noticed. When he heard Kiran utter that dreaded word, he became instantly worried. Did she have a problem?

“I’m sorry miss, but like I told you, the doctor isn’t here. He’s in a conference and won’t come back until Friday.”

Kiran got even more nervous.

“What part of ‘it’s urgent’ you don’t understand? I desperately need to talk to him so secure me a phone call with him.”

“Miss, it’s useless to insist. I can’t do that. You will have to wait.”

And that’s when Kiran lost it and raised her voice.

“My heart is failing me and you want me wait? I don’t have the time to wait, I need to see Dr. Park now!”

“The only thing I can do is recommend you to another cardiologist.”

“I don’t want anyone else but Dr. Park.” Kiran could take no more. “Only he knows what’s wrong with me. Only he can eject this stupid heart from my body. I don’t want it anymore!” Angry tears finally streamed down her face.

Jongin was having a hard time processing Kiran’s words. Heart failure? Stupid heart? He felt the anger bubble in him again and he got back to square one. He had felt concern at first but after hearing her offend the heart that had saved her life, he felt rage. Who was she to be given a second chance at life and still complain about it? Heart failure? Jongin didn’t believe a word she said. The doctors had told him Aera’s heart was in perfect condition and it had completely matched with Kiran. But this girl had the audacity to complain about it. Jongin thought he would lose it. Whatever regret he had felt about Kiran and her situation, melted away under the anger that conquered his body once more. But before he could say or do anything, Kiran stormed out of the hospital, with bloodshot eyes and frustrated tears on her cheeks. Jongin decided to follow her but she was already inside a taxi by the time he got out of the door. The fury in him still hadn’t settled and Jongin thought how pitiful it came out to be that Aera’s heart was wasted in someone who didn’t even appreciate the act of humanity. If Kiran didn’t want that “stupid heart”, then he would take it back, rather than let it rot in her ungrateful being. Kim Jongin swore on that.

*****

A series of unexpected events hit Kiran with no mercy. The frequent heartaches finally took a toll on her. She went to the hospital to talk to Dr. Park but she found out he was on a trip and the nurse told her to return a few days after. She didn’t even know how she survived those three days without doing anything stupid but Friday came and Kiran rushed to the hospital and finally talked to Dr. Park, only to discover a most unpleasant truth. Something she wanted to forget, something the doctor had tried keeping from her for as long as he could because it was something that should have never happened.

What followed after that was a blur to Kiran. She only knew that she’d left Dr. Park’s office with shaking legs and a trembling heart. A heart she wished she’d never gotten in the first place. It was almost natural that she ended up visiting Aera’s grave for the second time in four months. She was the one who had started the chain of misfortunes for Kiran by saving her life with that foolish heart of hers. Kiran was desperate, she couldn’t take her mind off what Dr. Park had told her just a few minutes ago. Feeling conflicted, with a dangerous mix of pain and anger, Kiran started screaming her lungs out to Aera’s picture on her memorial.

“Why did you choose me? Why did you ruin my life? Why, why, why?”

Out of pure coincidence, Jongin had chosen that day to visit Aera’s grave. He had woken up with a strange ache in his heart that almost tore his chest apart. He knew he had to go to the only person who could give him peace: Aera. But he certainly didn’t expect to find a screaming girl in the place that was supposed to be Aera’s sanctuary. So he furiously approached her, knowing full well who she was.

Kiran felt the pain in her heart deepen even more and she couldn’t help but hate her donor for that. Still screaming at Aera’s smiling photo, she was taken aback from a voice she recognized well.

“That’s enough.” Jongin was seething with anger. “I told you before, you have no right to be here, let alone scream and cause a scene.”

Jongin didn’t expect Kiran to retaliate but she did and this time, it was his turn to be taken aback.

“Shut up! You know nothing so shut up!”

Kiran was not as gentle as he remembered her to be from their other encounters.

“I know all there is to know, you ungrateful brat. I saw you at the hospital three days ago. I heard you talking to the nurse. I heard you offending Aera’s heart. I heard it all. And I swore to her, I would do anything to get her heart back because you don’t deserve to keep it. If Aera knew where her heart has ended up, she’d cry tears of blood.”

Kiran started laughing at that. She had to.

“She’d cry tears of blood?! Oh my goodness, this has to be a joke. This can’t be real!” And with that, her laughter transformed into an ugly sob.

“You really didn’t even know her. You really have no idea of what she’s done, do you?”

“She saved your life. By giving you her heart, she saved your pathetic sick life and saved you from being buried in the cold ground like she is now.”

“She cursed my life!” Kiran was screaming again. “She cursed my life and gave me a heart I didn’t even want.”

“Shut up! I won’t let you offend her any longer. Shut up, you ungrateful !” Jongin was also screaming at the top of his lungs. 

He had moved dangerously closer to Kiran. Another ungrateful word from her and he would probably do things he wouldn’t be proud of. But Kiran had had enough. Of the screaming, of the offending, of everything. A furious and hard slap landed right onto Jongin’s face and the things she told him next, were things he wished he’d never heard.

“I despise your girlfriend. I despise the heart she gave me. Instead of fixing things, it only made them worse. Did you know it was no coincidence that Aera’s heart ended in me? Did your girlfriend ever tell you that she had long planned of giving her heart to me? By the look in your face, I’m guessing she didn’t.”

“What do you mean?” Jongin was confused.

“What I mean is that your precious Aera knew about my heart condition, since we got treated in the same hospital. And after all recommendations and check-ups, she specifically chose me as the receiver of her heart. She herself wanted me to have her heart.”

“Why would s-she? You didn't even know each-other.” Jongin was trembling.

“I didn’t only receive Aera’s heart. I also got her feelings along with it. As she had planned and instructed.”

“I’m not understanding this…”

“Your girlfriend thought of easing your pain after she’d die. Through me. She gave me her heart and her feelings for you, hoping we’d fall in love since I received her heart. It would basically be like loving her soul but in a different body. If you can even describe it like that.”

Jongin’s head was spinning. What he was hearing was a complete absurdity. A heart and feelings transplant? However, Kiran gave him no time to think over that as she continued attacking.

“What your smart girlfriend forgot to take into account, was that she got the wrong person for all this romantic bull experiment of hers. Before getting her heart and feelings, I had a heart and feelings of my own. I had a person I loved and I was happy with him. Did she even think of this? She had no right of taking that away from me. No right at all! So don’t go around telling me what I have the right to do or not because you know nothing of right and wrong!”

Kiran couldn’t be stopped.

“I can’t count how many times this heart of hers hurt to the point where I wished I would have died. I spent sleepless nights because of an unexplainable heartache that almost tore me in half. I thought the heart was refusing me. But the doctors said it was a perfect match. And then I thought maybe my boyfriend was the source of it. It used to hurt seeing him sick and tired because of my health problems but that wasn’t the case. I had no more feelings for Eun so my heart couldn’t be suffering for him. I only dared to think of this once, that maybe the heart was still not mine but Aera’s and that maybe, even in a foreign body, the heart was suffering because you, its mate, were suffering. Unimaginable, right? But Dr. Park confirmed my crazy suspicion. He finally told me the truth and here I am, telling it to you.”

Jongin had completely lost any sense of reality. Because what he had heard simply made no sense. Kiran gave him one final blow.

“It turns out that your girlfriend is one life-ruining, selfish, scheming , not only in life, but even in death.”

Jongin could not believe what he had just heard. That was not the Aera he knew. She couldn’t be. The person Kiran described to him had nothing to do with his sweet Aera who always put other people’s feelings first. She couldn’t have planned all of this. It was simply impossible. But the look on Kiran’s face told him all the contrary. That yes, this had been possible and she had suffered all the consequences of Aera’s experiment with her. There were traces of vengeance in her face, mixed with agony and pain. Her heart should be hurting like his own but she held strong. She couldn’t break in front of him and Jongin knew that. So she did what was best for her. She turned around and left before she could feel sorry for all the pain Jongin had gone through while listening to the truth. As much as her mind despised the boy standing in front of her, her borrowed heart could only weep for the miserable state he was in.

*****

Days became weeks and weeks became months. Jongin had found no peace for four months after learning the truth about Kiran’s heart. He’d spent sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed, thinking of the chaos that had become his life ever since Aera had died. He didn’t even know what to think of her anymore. He sometimes wished he would have lived in ignorance his entire life. At least he wouldn’t suffer like this. And if he was hurting, he couldn’t even begin to fathom what Kiran was going through. She had a life of her own, with feelings and a love of her own. It had all gone to waste because of Aera’s little game. On what purpose had the game been played? To save Jongin from the misery of the death of his beloved. To give him a chance at loving even after she had died. What a selfish thought! How egoistic had Aera been to come up with such a plan. On what rights did she take the liberty to change someone’s life like that? Didn’t she have faith in Jongin that he would manage the situation in his own way? Jongin felt disappointed in Aera. For the first time in his life, he felt disappointed in Aera, whom he held in the highest of pedestals until that moment. As much as he had loved her, he could find no justification for her acts. He had been so mad at her that he didn’t even visit her grave. He simply couldn’t. He didn’t have the heart to face Aera, knowing all she had done. He still needed time to process everything and most of all, he needed to see Kiran. He had to see her or he’d go crazy.

But Kiran was nowhere to be found. He came into contact with her cardiologist, Dr. Park, but he told him that he hadn’t heard of Kiran since two months. Even if he had heard from her, it was not his business to share Kiran’s personal information with Jongin. So he tried tracking her down, but to no success. He found Kiran’s parents but they didn’t give him any information or her whereabouts since they didn’t recognize him as an acquaintance of hers. Even the few friends of Kiran he managed to find, didn’t tell him anything. So Jongin’s last resort was someone as close to Kiran as it could be. Or at least someone who used to be really close to her. Eun. It was hard convincing him to join him over coffee to talk, but Jongin didn’t give up until Eun finally gave in. Their proper first meeting was an awkward one, as first meetings ought to be. But Jongin took the first step, knowing he had his part of responsibility in all that mess. And Eun knew all about it. Kiran had told him.

“Allow me to sincerely apologize for everything that has happened. I’m truly sorry for your breakup as well.”

“You know nothing about it. So your apology means nothing, nor is it necessary.”

“I know all there is to know. Kiran made sure of it.”

“I know you chanced upon her.” Eun got mad for a moment, remembering how destroyed Kiran came to him. “She told me how you offended her as you’ve done every time you’ve seen her. Do you really think your apology will mend things? Because, besides from dealing with your girlfriend’s crazy experiment, she also had to deal with you and your angry brooding. Did she look like a shooting table to you? Where you could just vent all your frustrations and pain? Goodness, what did you people take us for that you decided to ruin our lives?”

Jongin was speechless as he felt powerless in front of Eun’s words. He was absolutely right, he and Aera had destroyed a beautiful relationship and two lives after all. But he was determined to mend things.

“I know you both were put in uncomfortable positions. But trust me, had I known about Aera’s plan, I would have objected and refused to carry on with it. I only ask of your understanding about this. I never wanted any of this to happen in the first place.”

“It’s just excuses now, don’t even bother.” Eun was tired from this. “Truth of the matter is that it happened. Kiran and I are no longer together because of everything that went down. And you can’t change that. You just can’t. Kiran will never love me again as long as she has Aera’s heart. But she cannot afford a new heart. The procedure would destroy her. So really, Kim Jongin, explain to me what exactly do you aim with that apology of yours? This clearly doesn’t bring Kiran back to me, nor does it make me feel any better about all this. If you’re doing this to buy yourself some peace of mind, I won’t give that to you. I can’t. Not after what Kiran and I had to go through because of you. Did you really think it would be this easy?”

“Of course not,” came Jongin’s defeated reply. “I’m only being sincere towards you when I say I’m sorry. And I’d like to be able to apologize to Kiran as well. I owe her that much.”

“Don’t even go there. Don’t even start mentioning what you owe to Kiran because trust me, this life won’t be enough for you to redeem her. Not even a thousand lives would be enough. So take my advice and don’t look for her. Forget about her.”

“Are these her words or is it your jealousy talking? Are you scared I’ll steal her away? Were you planning on winning her back?”

Eun hadn’t actually thought about that because he knew it would be in vain. Kiran was not the same person as she was before her transplant and that much was clear to him. Her heart harbored feelings for someone else, whether she wanted it or not. But it was out of the friendship that they’d promise to keep, that he got worried for her. Girlfriend or simply friend, Kiran had been and would always be a huge part of his life and his affection for her would never fade. She’d always be his soft spot.

“This isn’t about me wanting to get Kiran back, don’t you understand? This is about her breaking free from what hurts her. And right now, you’re the one hurting her the most.”

Jongin knew it. Eun was done talking to him with that sentence. And he had no right to push him further. Eun wouldn’t budge, he knew that. His last hope of finding Kiran died with that conversation because true to what Eun said, he hurt Kiran like no one else had done.

*****

Jongin came to terms to visit Aera only on the second anniversary of her death. After a desperate and unsuccessful search for Kiran, Jongin couldn’t find it in himself to face Aera just yet. He wanted to talk to Kiran first, apologize to her on his and Aera’s behalf and offer her all the support she would need to get through this situation. Seeing how her relatives and friends wouldn’t give him a trace of hers, Jongin gave up. It only meant that Kiran didn’t want to be found, especially not by him and as much as it hurt him, he respected her decision. He had no other option anyways.

So on Aera’s second death anniversary, Jongin bought a bunch of hydrangeas, Aera’s favorites, to put them on her grave. His visit was short as he had nothing to tell her. He thought of the first months after her death, when he would visit her grave every day and tell her how much he missed her. He felt as if an eternity had passed since then. It almost felt foreign to him how he was once so attached to Aera that he couldn’t let go of her even in death. Jongin had had the time to rationalize with himself and think about everything with a calm mind and a collected heart. He had also come to conclusions and he had accepted them, no matter how hard they had been. Aera was now a part of his past that he had let go of, without any regrets. He had come to forgive her for what she had done but he well knew that it wasn’t his forgiveness that counted the most. If Aera hadn’t able to find peace in her afterlife, then Kiran was the only one who could grant her that, by forgiving and letting go of her just as Jongin had done. But same as him, perhaps it would take Kiran some time to come to terms with it.

Life continued as ever, seasons came and went, people stayed and left. And without Jongin knowing, another four years had passed since Aera’s death. He had gone through a lot in that time. He had had his ups and downs, successes and disappointments, new chances and wasted opportunities. But he had gone through everything with a strong heart and mind. He had been determined to always be on the move for the better, no matter what the obstacles.

It was another cold winter afternoon when Jongin got off work. His colleagues invited him to go get lunch together but he wasn’t feeling the most social that day so he kindly turned them down, promising he’d definitely join them next time. He had this certain feeling of wanting to be on his own that afternoon so he went his way, bidding his colleagues goodbye. He didn’t feel like going home already, it was only 4 pm and the weather was to his liking, so he chose to stroll around his favorite park in the city. The snow had given it a special charm, making it look like a winter wonderland and the sight made Jongin feel warm inside, despite the freezing temperatures. More snow started falling and he saw people rejoice and bask in that frozen happiness. He smiled to himself and that’s when he saw her standing a few meters away from him. It had been years since he’d last seen her. His smile slowly started fading because surprise took over his face. The happiness he felt just seconds ago, was now perplexed from a slight sense of fear that this might only be a vision. Jongin took the first step towards her and was relieved to find that she was very much real and not moving away from him. She stayed her ground, watching him ever so curiously. But the look in her eyes hid traces of acceptance and that’s what made Jongin go on until he finally came in front of her.

He noticed how she was much shorter than him, something he had failed to see years ago when he had first met her. He blamed the circumstances for that. She spoke with a soft voice and smiled a smile that showed she had forgiven everything and moved on from her past.

“Hello Jongin.”

And he breathed a sigh of relief. She noticed how handsome he was, something she hadn’t been able to appreciate years ago, when they met for the first time. She now blamed the wrong circumstances for that. Jongin spoke softly and reciprocated her smile with one that showed he had matured and moved on from his past.

“Hello Kiran.”