Not until I have realized I still have the phone on with me while I’m crying, I feel a bit intimidated. He… must heard all of this. But, he’s not going to judge me, right? It’s hard to act tough when in fact you’re just at the most fragile.

“I’m sorry.” – After a while, I’m trying to speak up when he’s still as silent as in the beginning.

“…Hm?” – He sounds startled – “Wh.. why?”

“I…” – To be honest, I’m super embarrassed. “I shouldn’t cry…”

But, he doesn’t say anything after that. I feel like I just did something wrong again. We’re just… starting to be friends. Did I ruin it…?

Why does she say sorry when she doesn’t even do anything wrong? This girl, she must be in pain a lot. I feel like, she is always going to blame herself whichever things happen. This girl, she must endure things pretty much, alone? I’m too overwhelmed by the fact that she has been sustaining so many things alone, because I know how it felt like. No, I’m still experiencing it. It feels like hell, like you wish that you could blame somebody else for things happening, but you will always end up blaming yourself.

“Jieun ah…” – I slowly pull a gulp – “Why.. why shouldn’t you cry?”

I don’t think she could answer that. Because there’s no nature rule saying that you can’t cry when you’re in pain.

“And… why do you say sorry? Jieun ah…” – Somehow, I want to know how she looks like right now – “Listen, Jieun. You can cry when you’re hurt. You don’t have to say sorry when it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that you’re hurt. It’s even not your fault that you’re crying. There’s nothing wrong with crying. And, Jieun ah…”

It’s tough when you try to be strong in front of people, but you’re all broken pieces.

“It’s alright to be weak when you are.” – His voice sounds broken somehow.

When I hear things like this, my tears are coming down faster. Because those words sounds like they’re not going to judge me whether if I’m trying to be strong. My body is shaking as well as my voice. I can’t say anything. But, isn’t it better if there’s someone beside you when you’re fragile as hell, listening to your cry? Because, I feel like he listens to me really well; I feel like he could feel what inside of me right now.

“Thank you, oppa.” – I finish the last sob while feeling better.

It’s now weird, to have such a cry like this. But, somehow I’m glad.

“So…” – He seems hesitated – “Do you… want to talk about it?”

I unconsciously grin, don’t know if he hears the sound, just because he’s too… cautious with his question.

I think I heard she laughed, or that sound might came from when she wanted to say something but she did not. Maybe I shouldn’t direct the topic too fast?

“If you don’t want to…” – I pause for seconds before continueing – “Do you want to talk about anything?”

Then, I’m sure this time it’s definitely the sound of her laughters.

“Jieun?”

“Sorry, oppa.” – She slowly changes her voice into regular tone – “I’m just… Isn’t it weird…?”

“Hm? Weird?”

“Oh… I feel like we.are.really.close.” – She says every word in between the second.

I feel like we are. But sometimes, I don’t guarantee about my feelings. These days, my feelings change spontaneously. Like I said, temporary might be my preference, so my mind keeps changing things dramatically. I might be so interested in this, but on the next day, I will just throw it away. That’s why maybe I don’t want to meet people a lot. Because, I might hurt them by messing around with my own feelings.

But, I don’t think I want to mess anything with this girl.

“Is that so?”

“Oh… Maybe it’s just only me.” – She pops a small laugh – “Sorry oppa. I’m talking nonsense.”

“No, Jieun. I’m glad that you feel like that.” – He says it quickly after pausing for several seconds – “It’s not bad to have a close friend like this.”

Is he considering me a close friend too? Why am I feeling better after hearing this?

“So Jieun… What are you up to?”

“Nothing. I’m just at home these days.”

“Besides crying?” – He makes a quick joke and I can tell from his voice that he feels sorry immediately – “Hey sorry I’m just kidding.”

But, he doesn’t know that the joke does even better than it’s supposed to be. I find it funny and, cute, to which I’m even surprised with myself not to be bothered by that joke.

“Nothing at all, oppa.” – I suddenly smile – “Are you alone in Jeju?”

“Oh. Why? Want to come over?” – His tone changed amusingly, though.

“No. What are you thinking?” – He’s funny – “Why are you alone? You’re not hanging out with your friends?”

He should. He has many friends, and he’s someone who would probably party all night long during breaks, isn’t he?

“Hey kid, are you thinking that I’m the type who would party with my friends everyday?”

Wow, he can read minds too?

She’s too honest. I choke in smiley faces at her question.

“Aren’t you?”

“Well, I love party, nevertheless.” – I honestly confess – “Not all the time though.”

“Ah...”

Then she pauses. The silence somehow bothers me.

“Do you..” – In a second, I suppose that she’s not going to judge me – “Want to hear my story?”

“Huh? Story?”

“Oh. Jiyong’s love story? How about that?”

When I hear his words, he sounds broken, as similar as the way he always quotes something about life during our talks. Sometimes, when I hear people’s mumbling about things, I get tired of how they try to pretend like they know people best. But, this guy is different. He doesn’t brag, but when he says things, he sounds like he has been through all of those. Maybe he did, so he knows everything well.

“Are you sure you want to tell me? You don’t have to, oppa.”

“I want to, Jieun.” – His words are short, but determined.

“Alright.”

When I told her about the girl whom I supposed she could be the one pulling me out of darkness and whom I imagined my future with, all she did was being silent. But her silence did tell me that she listened to every word I said, every pain I got, and every love that I had inside me. I didn’t tell her details, and she wouldn’t ask for once. But when I realized that I kept on telling things about that girl, Jieun just silently stayed on the other line to hear my mumbles; though, I couldn’t stop. And Jieun wouldn’t stop me too. We ended up talking until the sun rose, and that was the first time we shared something I never thought I would do with someone like her.

She understood all, I could feel it. Maybe we’re two alike people who are destined to meet and talk about these things. And when I told her the last sentence to end my story, “Ending is always sad, even if you part ways with a smile. When that person turns their back on you, a smile can turn to something else. Like, tears.”

She only responded by a small chuckle. Somehow, just because it was a chuckle, to her it even sounds more heart-broken.

He told me not to run away from it, and try to accept it. He told me to keep holding on what I want to hold on even if I think I shouldn’t. He told me not to let myself feel regretted because I might let the chance go. He told me to follow my heart instead of my mind since my mind is always so complicated than my heart. When he talked to me about any advices, I wondered how did he survive through those hard times alone. I wondered if he had someone to talk to like I did with him when he was broken down too. And to conclude that, after talking to him, I felt like he was alone enduring those pains, and learning through it himself. All of a sudden, I felt so sorry for him. He might be seen as an successful man with many envious eyes from other people, but no one really understands how hard he has been through.

I don’t know if I know him enough to say these things, I wish I could share some of his sorrow, just because he was there when I was broken down.

And to follow what he said, I’ve swallowed my pride to contact Kiha because I felt like I could not let things go easily this way.

And, I think maybe I can fix this, with all of my efforts that I have right now. Maybe, after several times for ourselves, we can somehow figure out what we are and how we should do.

For the first time, I feel like this whole world is not so hard at all. It could be crashed, but we can be strong to build it up again.

Jiyong oppa, he gives me hope again. That’s weird, not Kiha but it’s Jiyong.

I guess that’s how we’re getting close.

Jieun: Oppa. I think I need to thank you about those advices.

Jieun: We talked really well. I guess, it’s not too bad to grab the chance we have left.

Jieun: You’re right.

Jieun: Maybe I should do this at least so I’m not going to regret.

Jieun: Oppa

Jieun: Maybe you should too.

Ah, so she did chase back what she wanted to hold. I’m glad that she’s bold enough to bounce this back. Maybe it still works for her, but not for me. We’re expired. Our love were gone for too long, before I could ever fix it. So that’s why I told her to grab what she had left, so she wouldn’t be like me. Living with regrets is really hard though.

Jiyong: I’m glad it works for you guys.

Jiyong: Don’t worry Jieun ah

Jiyong: Congratulation

Somehow, I’m happy to be a helper. I thought she was my helper, but to be her helper is not too bad at all. Maybe, helping her is a way to help me too, just maybe?

Since then, I think we’re doing pretty well, or maybe not too bad? But, there’s something else changing in my life too.

I seem to develop a new habit in my life. Sometimes, it feels weird but most of the time, I feel like it’s very fascinating.

Yeah, talking to Jiyong everynight is kinda weird, isn’t it? But I don’t find it comfortable at all. He seems like a great friend, a great brother to me. And, isn’t it obvious that we’re getting along pretty well? I don’t find it boring or bothersome just to talk to him everynight at all. We mumbles things nonstop everynight, with his lame jokes and sometimes, unexpected advices.

I’m not expecting anything. But it seems like being friends with Jieun was like a natural flow that happened to me. I find me everyday calling her, just to talk about stuffs that I don’t usually talk to anyone else, even Youngbae, little Seunghyun or Chaerin. The way she listens, the way she reacts, the way she receives my words are way too different from those people, to compare. And, somehow, I just figure out that she’s someone I can trust myself on to spill secrets. That’s weird, isn’t it? Sometimes, I find myself weird too for behaving this way. But like I already said, I’m not expecting anything.

“But Jiyong ah, isn’t life always unexpected anyway?” – That’s what Seunghyun said before.