t w e n t y - f i v e ; dairy-free

For the fifth time in homeroom, I avert my gaze to the front before Sehun catches me exchanging anxious looks in his direction. I’ve been holding my breath ever since the date that we had three nights ago last Saturday, anxiously counting down the minutes until we faced each other again. On Monday, I kept staring at the door, expecting him to walk through class with that distinctive aura of his that inevitably holds people’s attention. Except he never showed, and a combination of conflicting feelings began to surface. Mostly, I was a bit concerned that he wasn’t at school and wanted to ask about his condition, but I didn’t have his number to do so. On the other hand, another part of me was relieved because I was stressing out so much about how I was going to behave due to our confusing relationship.

Blame it on my lack of experience, but I didn’t have a clue on what a boy and a girl who went on a single date with each other are supposed to act after said date. It’s not like our relationship is official, but going on a date means there are those implied interests for the other person right? But sometimes a date doesn’t mean anything more than two people having personal interests for the other person. “Personal interest” doesn’t ensure any commitment that my high-school-years crushing was hoping for. Because casual dating exists, and I know this so well from a lot of Kai’s past relationships. Call me old-fashioned but I miss those days where relationships are either “we are two people who like each other and are dating” or “we are not together, therefore not dating,” and none of these confusing “we went on a couple dates already but we haven’t put a label on this relationship” type of BS.

After Monday, today Sehun arrives to class a little later than the school bell and immediately plops down on his seat without sparing a glance at me. I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t that. Like maybe a wave or a smile my way. Something, a sign, that tells me he was looking forward to see me again too, but no interactions at all feels like we never went on that date to begin with. I chew on bottom lips, trying to not let my disappointment takes over and ruin my entire day. Regret starts to creep in. Maybe I could save myself from a headache and getting my hopes up if that date never occurred. Now I’m overthinking everything and it .

Why do people make having crushes seem like such a fun high school experience that they look back with fondness? Like some kind of romantic comedy bull that every movie feeds you with guaranteed happy endings? I’m starting to believe that evening was some kind of fluke, and now Sehun has realized that there are so many other girls that he could ask to go dates with.

Alright, self-pity party is officially over. I need to stop stressing over this, gorge on some carbs and desserts when I get home, put my big girl’s on, and get over it. Come on Skylar, there are bigger problems than your crush from freshman year not being totally into you back. When homeroom ends, I pack my bag and march out the door with a purpose. Even though I have just pep-talked myself out of my own pity, it doesn’t stop the sinking feeling of indirect rejection any less. But hey, gotta fake it until you make it.

“Skylar, wait!”

Pausing, I look over my shoulder to see Sehun catching up to me. My heart is a big, fat traitor because it instinctively perks up at this.

“Hey,” I reply, fully aware of the attention of curious looks from people walking by in the hallway.

“How are you?”

I just had an internal monologue, and the root of it was about you. Yeah, no. Definitely not going to say that. “I’m good,” I opt as my answer instead. “How about you?”

He nods distractedly. “That’s good. I got a little sick on Sunday, and took a day off yesterday to recover.” He looks nervous, but my mind could be biased and playing tricks on me. “So um . . . About Saturday.”

Oh no. Nothing good ever comes after someone says “so um.” So um’s are usually put in the beginning of something someone is hesitant to tell you for the sake of not wanting to hurt your feelings. Like, ‘So um . . . Maybe you shouldn’t wear that top with those jeans, you know what I mean?’ Or, ‘So um . . . Can you pay me back the money you owe me because it’s been way overdue.’ Or ‘So um . . . I think it’s better if we just stay as friends, yeah?’ Judging on the awkwardness in his expression, I brace myself for what he’s going to tell me next.

He repeats, “On Saturday . . . Towards the end, you seemed like you wanted to leave as soon as possible, so I thought that maybe you didn’t enjoy the day as much as I assumed.” His hand raises to his neck, rubbing the spot in the back. He laughs uncomfortably. “I don’t know why I’m bringing it up to you. I thought I should just leave it unsaid.”

For a second, I stand there unblinkingly, not certain that my ears are picking up the right things. For Sehun to tell me that I (me!) hadn’t appear to enjoy the date as he assumed when I’ve been stressing out over how I thought that maybe he didn’t think much of it. It’s really ironic how wrong he is that it’s almost laughable. Most importantly, I was wrong too, for assuming the reason he avoided me this morning was because he was having second thoughts about me. It never crossed my mind that the reason he didn’t greet me is because he thought I was trying to avoid him.

It doesn’t register to me how tense I was until I felt my shoulders relax. “No, I’m sorry that it appeared that way. That day… My brain was so preoccupied after I remembered that I forgot something important. I know it seems like I’m making up excuses but it’s the truth. I swear it wasn’t you!” I emphasize. “I really have a great time with you and I’m sorry I made you think that I didn’t enjoy the evening.”

“Really?” He asks, brows darting up and blinking once. It’s unfair how long his lashes are. “So, does that mean you wouldn’t mind a second date with me?”

Elation, I believe, is a dangerous feeling. Not only minutes ago did I feel so down and ready to scrape away all my existing attractions for this crush I harbor. It’s crazy how fast I switch from that to the butterflies in my stomach. “I wouldn’t mind. Not at all.” A grin spreads across my face.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I tell him with a hint of laughter at the end, even though all I’m thinking about is, You are Sehun, how could you ever doubt any girl’s feelings for you?

The warning bell rings, and I’m suddenly reminded that I got class to go to. It seems like Sehun has the same thought based on how startled he was. “I don’t have your number,” he rushes out as though afraid that this conversation will be cut short.

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