To the one and only light in my life ,

           I know i'm an emotional mess , I know i'm not worth it , I know i'm pathetic , I know I don't deserve to live but then you came along , like an unexpected hurricane.   

Sweeping all my insecurities and worries out of me. your storm made me forget all those negative thoughts, all those "bad vibes" , you swept my feet away with your ways , of how you changed me so fast , of how you manage to change my mood real fast when i'm at my worst , of how you make me smile without even trying.

I love your smile , your laugh , your voice , your jokes , your unconditional love for others , your passion for music , your effortless surprises , you.

I love how you would wake me up at around 2 in the morning just for me to hear your new song that you've stayed up countless nights for.

I love how you would cook breakfast for me even though I know you're not a good cook nor a morning person but you always do these stuff anyways.

but then,

since when loving someone can destroy your life? , since when did it hurt so much?

dont they say that love is something magical , something warm and fuzzy all over , something to be treasured and all that other bull? but what is this? Why does our love just hurt me?

am I a masochist for coping up with the pain? for loving the pain that we both inflict to each other?

Why cant we be like others?

Why cant I cheer for you , screaming , "Thats mine! That's my boyfriend , Jung Hoseok , he's my everything , my moon , sun , stars , everything!" Whenever you get a solo stage like how our fans cheer for you?

Why cant I hold your hand , clearly showing to everybody that you're mine , that we're two pieces put together and no one can separate us like how other couples do?

Why shouldnt we be seen by others eating out together , wearing the same shirt together , slinging my arm around you to assure you that you're safe here with me?

Why cant I tie strings with you and grow old with you? Why cant I see you walk down the aisle? Why cant I put a ring on you? Why cant I kiss you infront of our family members?

I admit , I'm jealous of every couple out there , I envy them even and I know I shouldnt be because we are different.

I know I shouldn't be because we're contented with each other. we are yoonseok , sope , hobi and suga , soul partners.

sad this may sound , but a cage is our safest place, a cage that the media made for us , and I think thats okay—for me. Because we dont need to think of anything else except for the both of us and the cage we're in. We dont need to worry about the media , we dont need to worry about how we'll act. We could compose songs , produce songs together , and dedicate them to each other.

And I treasured the moments when we were out of the cage. After your rehearsal , We'd go out to eat at our favorite stall just around the corner outside our building and we'll spend a long time filling each other up with silly jokes , stories , and unending promises of growing old together.

We'd sing stupid love songs to each other , serenading each other with light in our eyes all night until our throats hurt and go dry , until our eyes are filled with tears because we both know in what situation we are in now.

and then we're back at the cage again.

I guess you got suffocated. You got suffocated by how close we were on that small cramped cage , you got tired of writing songs for the both of us and instead , what came out were sappy songs that you dont want others to hear , you got used to pretending we arent together then suddenly—I guess—as time flew by , whatever you were doing wasnt an act anymore.

and yes , I admit , it hurts. it hurts that we broke up just because they dont accept us , I wanted to fight back and stand up for myself but i know you dont want to. I know you're uncomfortable so I respected your choice of letting go because I love you.

I'm not angry at you for doing so. I'm not disappointed at you for letting go. I'm not regretting the moments I have spent with you.

I let you go because i'm ready to face the pain that's ahead of me with the help of the memories we both created for each other , memories that I know I can never go back to.

Memories of me and you , holding hands while we lean on each other , watching movies at our dorm.

Memories of you trying to cheer me up when I had a bad day , Memories of you taking care of me when i'm sick and miraculously , my fever'll subside right away (I swear , I think you're God).

Memories of the times our heartbeats , laughs , voices and love were the same , in sync.

Memories of me and you fooling around , like little kids who doesnt know anything but to around and be little es.

Memories of me and you when we were still madly in love with each other.

Hobi , I love you so much , so much that I let you go , so much that I smile at you and greet you whenever we pass each other like nothing happened.

I love you so much that I erased photos of you and me because I know so bad that you're ashamed of me—us.

I love you so much that I would wake up at mornings and look at the empty space beside of me , thinking you're downstairs , cooking for me like you always do.

I love you to the point in where I would rewatch the movies we both enjoyed and then cry halfway because of how much of a pathetic person I am for doing it.

I love you so much that I dont want to say that I want you back , here in my arms , in our cage because I know so well that you dont like it here.

So here I am , always wishing you the best , pouring out my love for you through music , through the lyrics that I write , supporting you , clapping the loudest , and howling whenever you get a solo stage.

So here I am , silently crying , trying so hard to move on when in fact I know I cant because you've already made a big impact in my life and I dont know how to get rid of you.

But I know I should.

I know I should forget you.

so for the last time ,

Jung Hoseok , I love you

           yoongi put down his pen and looked at the letter he just wrote for hoseok—the last letter he'll ever write for hoseok—and looked at the coffee that got cold in front of him.

he kissed the letter softly , as a sign to seal whatever emotions and memories he wants hoseok to implant on his mind, emotions and memories that yoongi knows for sure that hoseok forgot.

how'd he say so? it's because as he sat there—at the same seat , at the same small café that he and hoseok both used to love—looking at the table just across his' was hoseok with someone new.

someone better , someone who deserves him , someone who the media will surely accept , someone stronger , someone flawless , someone hoseok can show off with no worries , someone hoseok can spend his whole life with.

someone who's not min yoongi.

he smiled down at the letter , a few droplets of tears dropping on it "oops , it got wet. I guess i'll just make a new one" he laughed at himself "then i'll get it wet again , forcing me to write another letter when in fact every time I make a new one , I always swore that that'll be the last one" yoongi got up from his seat , letter on his hand and proceeded to his car

"just like these letters—why cant I move on? why cant I just accept that nothing can ever be perfect and there'll always be downfalls and just ing move on and stop ing about it?" he talked to himself once he got inside his car , leaning on his driving wheel

but yoongi knows the answer too well , its because he want the best for hoseok.

he wants to prove that he's the only one in his life , that after a year , he still writes to him.

its because he never did stop thinking about him , about his smile , his kisses , their heated nights , how their shoulders , fingertips , lips touch.

           yoongi stayed there , unmoving , the tears that were running down his cheeks just a while ago were already dry , trying to calm himself down.

a knock on his car window made him jolt a bit and sit up. he turned to look at the window to see hoseok—his hoseok. yoongi looked at the himself through his car's rearview mirror and fixed his tangled hair , trying to look presentable as much as possible.

he rolled down the windows and at the same time , hoseok's smile grew wider and yoongi's chest tightened at the sight of how he missed that smile so much.

"what do you want?" Yoongi asked quite rudely—not meaning to.

hoseok chuckled nervously and handed him a slim box "I forgot to give this to you back then. It's something I wanted to give to you for a long time but never got the chance to do so and I think now that we've seen each other again , now's a great time to give it to you." Yoongi took the box from his hands , not removing his stare on hoseok

oh how he wanted place a hand on his cheek and look him in the eyes saying he missed him , he missed the moments they spent together , he missed hoseok's kisses , he missed their songs , he missed everything.

"Well that's it , bye." Hoseok said softly and gave him a small smile and started to walk away from his car but Yoongi grabbed his wrist

yoongi's heart pounded on his chest so hard that he could feel it wanting to come out "wait" Hoseok turned back , looking at Yoongi as he rummage through his car before getting out , standing infront of him , a few inches away , it's now or never.

"Here." Yoongi handed him a letter , and waited for a reaction but hoseok didnt give one.

He just smiled at him and nodded "well uhm , Thanks? I need to go. I'll make sure to read this , hyung" then hoseok gave him a bright smile "goodbye" he turned his back on yoongi and started to walk to his own car.

with whatever voice left yoongi has , he muttered a small "I miss you , I still love you. thank you , goodbye." that he made sure hoseok couldnt hear.

but he was wrong as hoseok glanced at his back and whispered , also making sure that yoongi doesnt hear, "i'm sorry yoongi.

        That night , yoongi cried for who knows long , leaving the slim box that hoseok gave to him untouched. He felt his heart being teared out of his chest and then shredding it to shreds. He felt so broken , he felt empty , he shouldnt have written those letters and gave it to hoseok. He should've just focused on mending himself.

but what can he do? he loves hoseok more than he loves himself. he loves hoseok , he loves hoseok , he loves hoseok , he loves hoseok

he loves hoseok but he can never get him back.

but hoseok's heart doesnt beat for him anymore.

but hoseok doesnt sleep with the thought of yoongi on the last thing on his mind , like how yoongi does , anymore.

That night , yoongi slept with a wet pillow , puffy eyes , a red nose , and a handful of memories that he always dreams of , memories of him and hoseok in love.

That night , all that yoongi wanted was to have hoseok here , with him , comforting him.

That night , yoongi wanted to shower hoseok with his kisses , 'i miss yous' , and 'i love yous'.

That night , yoongi promised himself once again that he'll forget hoseok once he wakes up , that he'll refrain from wishing that hoseok will be next to him once he wakes up , that he'll stop hoping that hoseok is at his kitchen , cooking his breakfast , that he'll stop writing songs for hoseok.

and most of all , he promised to himself that he will not to be in a relationship that the media wont accept