What We're Trying to Prove

We Don't Sell Our Souls

32: WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO PROVE


 

"숨은 그림 찾기," by FR:EDEN

 


 

                His head throbbed. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized both that he was asleep and that he was on the verge of waking up. But he didn’t want to wake up. This vague feeling weighed heavy in his heart and he didn’t want to wake up and remember why. Sleep was better. Sleep was safe…

                The sound of a door creaking open drew him back to the shores of consciousness. He could smell something, something familiar.

                “Sunbae.”

                There was a pat on his shoulder. He tried to swat it away but only barely managed to pull his arm out from under his head.

                “Wake up. Sunbae.”

                His eyes cracked open. There was a lot of light in this room. It couldn’t be his room. The smells—they were all different too. It smelled like clean linen and old carpet with a little bit of spiciness, and something altogether different, warm, and savory wafting around. It was blurry, but someone’s eyes were looking back at him.

                “Ji…Naeil?”

                His eyes opened completely. He had a sideways view of Naeil’s face. She must be crouching down by his bed—he shifted—no, couch. He was lying down on an unfamiliar couch. He breathed in deeply and pulled himself up. Naeil’s hands were on his arms, trying to keep him stable. His head felt so heavy. How much had he drunk last night? What had even happened?

                The memories were coming back too slowly. But Jungkook was everywhere. That’s right, Jungkook was hurt. It was his fault, so he had gotten drunk to try to forget. But then he ended up going to see Jungkook anyway, and then...then…

                Yoongi squinted, looking around at the room where he sat.

                “Am I...am I at your church?”

                Naeil nodded, finally pulling her hands away. “The service is going to start soon. Probably in about thirty minutes or so. People are already here for the early meetings, but I skipped. Pastor Lee said you can stay as long as you want. Just don’t scare any old ladies, okay?”

                Yoongi felt his palms grow warm. She had pushed something into his hands.

                “What’s this?” It was the source of that savory smell, a big container of something hot, sloshing around. “Hangover soup?”

                Naeil was busy rummaging through the plastic bag in her hands, procuring a spoon for him. He didn’t take it immediately, so Naeil shook it in front of his face emphatically until he finally wrapped his fingers around it. He still couldn’t remember everything that had happened last night, but he had a bad feeling about it. Had she seen him?

                “You said you didn’t drink, but apparently you know how to find good hangover soup,” mumbled Yoongi, peeling off the lid and plunging the spoon into the soup.

                “Just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean I have no experience with alcoholics,” Naeil snapped.   Yoongi almost spat out the spoonful of soup he had just shoved into his mouth. It wasn’t like he had never heard her say something rude to him before, but she sounded so genuinely disgusted, it made him choke. He glanced at her, but she had already swiveled her body away from him. Had he done something really stupid last night?

                “And I didn’t find that soup. I made it.”

                Belatedly, he realized the soup in his mouth actually tasted good. He wanted to ask her if she had really made it, but he found himself overcome with a strange anxiety he couldn’t quite explain. Why did her mood matter to him? He observed the girl across from him with mixed levels of irritation and worry as he took a few more spoonful’s.

                “Yah. Naeil-ah.”

                “What?” She still didn’t turn.

                “Are you mad at me?”

                “No.”

                “Then what’s wrong with you?”

                Naeil visibly swallowed. “I just…don’t like this sort of thing.”

                Yoongi raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

                “That...nothing. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.”

                She got up and walked away from the couch, facing the wall and stretching in an aggravated manner.

                “Yes,” Yoongi said slowly, “It does matter.”

                Naeil’s head flipped back around, eyes locking onto his. “No, it doesn’t.”

                “It does.”

                “It doesn’t.”

                “It—

                “It doesn’t if I don’t want it to, okay!?”

                “Well, maybe it does—”

                “Look, just because you told me all about your trauma doesn’t mean I have to tell you all about mine!”

                Yoongi’s jaw snapped closed. His trauma? More memories came back to him: the darkness of the sanctuary, the blurry piano keys, Naeil’s voice, her eyes, her hand on his chest, the words she said to him, the way he cried, the confessions tumbling off of his lips. It had all happened last night, but it was so dim in his mind.

                “I can’t remember everything I told you” he sighed, rubbing at his temples in frustration. “What did I say?”

                “Just some things. About your family.”

                “And?”

                When Naeil didn’t answer, Yoongi felt his heart fall to his feet. He stood and walked forward, grabbing her arm so she would have to look at him. “What else? What else did I say?”

                Naeil could feel her heart thumping at the sight of Yoongi’s face. What was that look in his eye? Terror? Desperation? He had said before that he did a lot of things he regretted. What exactly did he mean by that? What had he done that would make him look so scared in front of her?

                “You just talked about your family,” insisted Naeil, pulling her arm away.

                “Are you sure?”

                “...Yes,” repeated Naeil. “I’m sure. You told me about how you and Jungkook are only half-brothers, which I already knew. And then you told me about how your father treated you.”

                Yoongi’s gaze shifted away from hers. He pushed the bowl aside and tapped a finger on the table. His shoulders were pushed up by his neck, taught with tension. It was hard to see his expression with his head down like that, hair covering his eyes

                “So. What did you say?” he asked, looking back at her.

                Naeil blinked. “Um, I don’t…well, I don’t remember. I don’t think I really said anything worthwhile.”

                “No,” insisted Yoongi, squeezing his eyes shut, “I mean, what were you thinking?

                “What are you talking about?”

                “I know you were thinking something. What were you thinking about me?”

                “Don’t get so defensive,” sighed Naeil. “I wasn’t thinking anything. It’s not like you’re the first person I’ve run into who didn’t have the happiest childhood.”

                “So you like to hang out with messed up people like me.”

                 “That’s not what I meant. I just happen to know a lot of people like you because of the way I grew up.”

                “I bet you had a terrible childhood.”

                “As a matter of fact,” said Naeil, turning a little red, “It wasn’t exactly happy.”

                “Did your father hate you?”

                “My father…yah, what are you trying to prove here, sunbae? What’s wrong with you?”

                Yoongi looked away from her, snapping the lid back on his soup and pushing it to the side. The muscle in his jaw tightened for a moment, until he spoke again. “I bet you think I’m the worst hyung in the world, don’t you?”

                “Is that what this is all about? Look…there’s no such thing as a perfect hyung. I don’t think your brother wants you to be perfect, I think he just wants to see you.”

                “You don’t get it. I can’t even stand being in that old house. My dad treats me like dirt between his toes.”

                “Yeah? I bet he does. But what about him? What about his dad? Your dad probably does that because his dad did the same to him. And maybe his dad did the same, and his dad, too. Everyone has had crap in their lives. That’s what life is like. So what are you going to do? Abandon your brother because your dad abandoned you?”

                Yoongi scoffed. “You got my family tree all screwed up there, Naeil.”

                For a moment she just stood there and looked at him. It surprised her when he didn’t look away either, just gazed back with an even, guarded look. It was like staring down a rock.

                Finally, with a shake of her head, Naeil backed away from the couch. She shuffled about the room for a bit, picking up the things that had fallen to the floor. Yoongi opted for silence. He opened up the soup again and tried to eat a little more. His appetite was gone. After she finished, Naeil moved to the door, pausing as she opened it.

                “I’m going to play piano during the service this morning, if it means anything to you.”

                Yoongi didn’t answer, and with that, Naeil walked out the door.

 

 


Author’s Note

It was hard for me to write this chapter. It feels too much like real conversations I’ve had with people before. Those sort of conversations are never fun.

Okay, so, there’s one more chapter left in Part I. I AM GOING TO WRITE IT BY SOMETIME TOMORROW. THIS I SHALL MOST CERTAINLY DO.

And I guess maybe I’ll put a playlist together of all the songs so far? That seems reasonable. Then editing is gonna happen. Oooooh I’m actually so desperate to start editing I really wanna get a grasp on everything in this story it’s so much to keep track of >_<

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JazzOnTheRoof
Just fwi there IS a new chapter before my note called "Explaining Myself." I noticed the authors note had more views than the new chapter so I think some people accidentally missed it.

Comments

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Naraly
#1
Chapter 54: The ending of this xD too funny. Don’t worry, take your time. No rush on this reader’s side. Hope all goes well :)
Purple_Butterfly
#2
Chapter 54: Of course there are people who are waiting for you! We're curious to see how the story will end and we'll enjoy it not matter what. Live your life and don't worry too much ;)
Kkomaenggi
#3
Chapter 54: Okay so I wrote a whole bible text and turned out i wasn't logged in so it deleted everything lmao I'll just go yeet myself out of existence I guess, okay I'll try to re-write it, uhh well first things first I really enjoy your story and I am really curious to see how it ends, it's not your typical kind of fanfic which is refreshing, second it's totally understandable that you can't update as often cause of everything going on in your life, I mean priorities lmao AND you are not getting paid for this lmaooo, and I can relate a lot since my grandma also used to live at our place for a while and we had to take care of her everything, although i have siblings helping along so it wasn't as time consuming as it is for you, I bet. Anyone being bothered or hating you for being on an unexpected hiatus is imo selfish or childish or both lmao so take you time and it's already nice seeing you not giving up on this hahahah (also yeah it's 12am and I am on this site reading this entire authors not or whatever you want to call it, I have no life, you have every right to be disgusted HAHA)
thirizxc #4
Chapter 54: Heyyy if you feel like changing the flow of the story do it! Don’t feel pressured to follow the readers After all YOU are the writer of the story and we’d happily accept it if you think it’ll make the story better! :). I’d support you until the story ends so take your time with writing ! ☺️
Kkomaenggi
#5
Chapter 43: OKAY MY HEART HURTS FOR ALL OF THEM (so I guess kudos to you for being able to conjure that feeling in me?) and i usually do not comment halfway reading but jimin is my bias and i want him back and i want to hug him and i want him and hoseok and the rest of them happy and ughhh i want to cry mannnn HYYH is my fav era but at the same time it HURTS ME SO MUCH. I have struggled/struggle with depression for as long as i can remember so the things that they go through in HYYH touches me deep inside, especially jimin and hoseok, so this story does the same man! (I do feel like im slowly but steadily getting better and its easier to talk about for me so nothing to worry about anymore)
Kkomaenggi
#6
it, house in the night was really good so im reading this aswell, and especially since HYYH is my fav era, i did see last update was in august but you did say you want to finish it in your foreword so ill trust that and slowly catch up with those 49 flippin chapter so lesgetit
rapbye0n
#7
Chapter 52: A-APPA?!?!?!?!!!!

BISH IM JUNGSHOOKT
Purple_Butterfly
#8
Chapter 52: How could anyone have seen this coming!!
Naraly
#9
Chapter 52: My mind just blew the heck up omg
ParkSooYun_ #10
Chapter 47: I decided to check if there was a new chapter and there was more than one! I'm so happy that you're back!