-monday morning-

*Phone alarm rings* and immediately my headache started to deploy when I think of how ugly tiring this day is going to be like every other day I go through. Nevertheless I had to get up and get ready for school before my parents keep complaining. I already heard my mom getting in loud disscusions with my dad again.

"Can't you pay that bill before we get into trouble again...do you ing want our child not to educate because we have to leave the house of lack of money??", she shouted wiith a red covered face. My dad didn't say anything when he say me coming downstairs. "Good morning, honey", he said softly but I saw him sweating of despair. "Do you want me to make you waffles?" "No, thanks dad I'll buy me something at the school or I'll be late again today.", I replied listless. My mom was meanwhile crying in the bathroom, I felt too bad for her, but you should know - this is actually how every morning looks like. My parents are in crisis of all dramatic things you can imagine, my dad cheated on her when she has been pregnant with me, they don't know how to treat life with money, my dad tries to escape from all this difficulties but in my opinion he is too weak. Everyday turns out into a day filled with hate, tears and sorrows. I've thought I could maybe get a better schoollife since we've moved to california in the hope for a good payed job for my dad...vainly. 

After I packed my bag and walked out the door I put on my mp3-player on full volume, I guess I didn't hear anyone saying "Good bye" to me. Don't mind. A few minutes later while I was waiting for my bus to come I went through my songs and currently had "My Type" by iKON playing, you don't know who or what iKON actually is? The best group in the universe, seven boys who fought for the dream, to be there where they're now. This is the kind of people I adore the most. Those who don't let their mindset get influences by negativity saying "Think realistic, this lifestyle will be too hard for you." This is what people keep telling me. But I am like my ultimate bias group, independent and different from others, this is the reason why I don't have any friends at my new school. But you will see some of this later on. My bus finally arrived after 15 minutes and I casually entered it. I sat alone in the front corner, leaning my head on the window, I'm so sleepy today. 

-at school-

Before my first two lessons I decided to quickly buy me a sandwich at the kiosk towars the school building. When I walked throught the door I saw some of my classmates and he saw me too, I tried to hide myself from them but it didn't work out. "Oh guys, look! It's our ricecake Krystal, are you still crying because you're not fame and those ching chongs don't know about your existence?", He asked with a ugly bright smile on his face, hoping to get me weak. The others laughed at it. I turned my eyes annoyed around and named him some important points: "First of all, I appreciate that you call me a Ricecake, cause they're yummy and colorful, second of all, nope, when I cry, I cry for your brain loss and third, if I ever may become famous I will let the world to know your racist jokes and let's see who is going to ring at your door soon ehehe, now please get out of the way, I want to pay now, lessons start in 7 minutes and you shouldn't be late neither, right?" They all left the kiosk speechless and looked at me with opened mouths like they are watching an explosion. I felt kinda bad, but savage and grandious at the same time, because I learnt to deal with these comments and stares. I got used to being alone and it's fine. I'm rather on my own than having artificial, deceitful friendships. Enjoying my cheese sandwich has been maybe the only positive thing today, I took one bite after the other and had nothing left when I reached the other street. The ring belled and I rushed into the classroom. Can you guess who is my seat neighbor? Right, nobody, I used to have a girl named Jess but she went with the wave of the bullies and changed a lot. She's been a wonderful, creative and funny girl back then. Guess I wasn't good enough for her. Now she's fond of giggling when I walk by. 

I put all my books and pencils out of my vans bag exactly when the professor came in. "Good morning class.", he mumbled tired. "Good morning Professor Robert", we sang. "Firstly I'd like to correct the homework from last week, please put it out. Everyone who has forgotten the homework, raise your hand." Absolutely nobody has forgotten it except me. I raised my finger up in the air uncertain and heard a boy's voice in the last row shouting: "She was too busy with yellow people?", my hands started shaking but I tried hard to stay calm, turnt around, blinked with my eyes and contra in a friendly way: "Well, your unnecessary comment hasn't any thing with a simple forgotten homework and-", "PAUL - ONE MORE TIME AND YOU GO TO THE PRINCIPAL!!", my professor interrupted me and yelled at him. He deserved it, idiot. Right after his sentence he add quietly to me: "If you ever feel desperate here, come to me and we will solve the problems with your family and teachers." He gave me a little smile, I saw his warm hope for me, all teachers know about my situation so I smiled politely back. The lessons passed good. Sometimes I heard silent comments about some talking about my familiar problems or being racists again towards asian people but thanks God, I was able to ignore them all. The rest of the school day passed by faster than I thought, but I was pretty happy about it.

-after school-

On the way home I played my whole kpop-playlist, including mainly iKON songs, I completely forgot about the outside world and drowned again in my own mind. Thinking and gambling how people can be so full of hating artists, because of their looks or race. Hating someone in general, hating on me for being different. It kinda hurt that they make me feel like I don't belong to this world...but...since I know their real faces, I luckily don't want to hang out with them, as I already said, I prefer being alone then. Man, I just need iKON to spread ltitle sparks in my empty soul. If I could just say them for once how much I love them and they keep me awake to achieve my sort of happiness. My love for them is truly unbelievable. 

A few steps were left until I'm at my house and the nearer I was, the emptier I felt. I literally feel like I'm in a prison there with my parents. Everything is going under in chaos since we live in here. How has it come to that? - still a myserious case. As soon as I put out my headphones I could hear someone arguing loudly - obviously my parents, but I didn't go in, I eavesdroped them. "I AM NOT HAPPY, YOU ARE NOT HAPPY; KRYSTAL NEITHER AND WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT TO DO WHEN SHE FINDS OUT ABOUT MY ALCOHOL PROBLEMS, DO YOU THINK IT'S ALL EASY FOR ME TO HANDLE IT ALONE?", my mom screamed and I've never heard her so aggressive. Before I could listen to my dad's voice I heard how a glass dropped hard down the floor. My body was shaking and I didn't react to anything else except to storm the door. My mother sitting on the ground and my dad wiping in one scenery. My throat was dry as hell but I was standing there motionless and just let fall my bag. Right in front of me the broken glass of wine. We three were just standing in silence, nobody has made a noise - until I raised up myself: "Can one of you two do me a favor and explain me what has happened during my lessons, please TALK and not yell." In that second when I finished speaking my mother raised up her hand and gave me a sign to come over to her. My foot got almost into the flinders but I didn't hurt myself. My dad only went up upstairs, I guess it's better that we're not together in a room. I sat down next to mom - "Is that true, you became an alcoholic?", she just nodded. "And how have I ever noticed that, maybe cause you're not often home..", I said in a whisper with tears-filled eyes. She pulled me close to her and hugged me tight: "The night shifts were lies, one by the other, I got fired two months ago and instead to be honest and take care of you, I totally failed as a mother with drinking my sorrows hopelessly away. I am so sorry my beautiful angel, I've spent my whole money to go to bars every night when you were sleeping', affirmativly dreaming of a better life. Please belive me this time, everything is going to be alright, I will make a change, for you and your perfect father.", she said with a cracky voice, I could feel her breath on my skin and this made me even more nervous. I felt so lost in my self-pity and the love my mom tried to spread doesn't help at all because I sense her sadness. We both got up and cleaned the living room, after that I heated up the noon meal and went into my room, dad fell asleep on my parent's bed. I placed down my plate and cup on my table and pulled out my laptop out of the bottom drawer. My background consists of seven boys standing on a stage, surrounded by thousands of fans in a confetti ocean. For a few seconds I just stared at this picture and kept imagine how it feels like to be an entertainer, a musician. Or to be friends with iKON - dreams are just dreams, sadly in my case. Sometimes I wonder how it's possible for almost everyone to meet up a miracle except for me. I don't want to be spoilt, I just want to change my whole life and help people who are trapped like I am through my music. Nobody is alone, we are all just unable to be honest to each other to talk about our deepest secrets. Trust is so missing in this world. My thoughts got into a whirlwind and as soon as it became worse I opened up YouTube with the full Welcome Back album Playlist while eating my warm noodles. Everything was so silent and comfortable. Looking at Kim Hanbin made me smile today, not only today, it's every single one. He's has been through such things and the only thing people here know is judging and being disgusting racists. As long as you like the song or voice of someone, language barrier doesn't matter. And music is there to connect people, wherever somebody comes from. Why is this so difficult to understand for so many. Kpop is a genre like every other that exists - it's truly art. But I shouldn't get annoyed again, it's useless, I am going to let them think what they think it's right - well, I have my own mind. 

After sitting an half hour in silence I stood up to bring my dirty dishes to the kitchen. My parents were already sleeping, so I was cautious going on my toes. Walking by the bedroom of mom and dad I saw them both still laying in their ordinary clothes and the blanket getting dusty on the floor. Slowly I entered the room without even taking  a breath to not wake them up. My tired self picked up the blanket to cover them up. Back in my room I was anxious laying in my bed, feeling like dying any second I am here. Afraid of the next day. What is going happen then? I couldn't stop painting these different but all dark pictures in my head. In my bag I had an aspirin left, perhaps it'll soothe me for tonight. Nevertheless it was a sleepless endless time. I guess I only slept for 3 hours, which are definetely not a big amount if you look at my schedule.