Summary:

winter is ending.

Notes:
 

my jbj bias is extremely obvious now lol
okay, so originally, i was supposed to end the previous chapter like that.
bc i really didn't expect much of it, but then heh
so i kind of continued it since it might be weird to leave it hanging like that.
i tried my best, and this is the best one i came up with

chapter inspiration: Aftermath by Fromm ft. Minhyun
this is such a nice song, please listen to it if you feel like it
and it kind of explains the feels of this chapter a little (lol rly just promoting the song bc it's so good)

February 3, 20xx

I think I’m in love with you, Jinri.

** 
 

Looking at you right now, I can say that finally,
you’re home.”

Sanggyun’s adlib caught her off guard, making her feel extremely uncomfortable on the spot. She can feel Dongho, Jonghyun and Aron’s eyes on her, and she can sense that Seongwu knows exactly what everything is about. He seemed like he was trying to make it look like he’s not affected or uncomfortable, but it shows. Daniel was silent beside Jaehwan and Chungha, not knowing whether it would be better for him to leave since the situation’s getting a little out of hand all of a sudden.

Jinri placed her palm on her forehead, a headache slowly building. Whether it’s the effect of her alcohol intake or whatever reasons, she felt like she wanted to hide.

Few people from the crowd looked around the place, trying to figure out which one amongst the sea of people Sanggyun is looking at. However, Sanggyun quickly looked away, expressed how grateful he was for the audience’s attention and participation, and then quickly exited the stage.

“What the actual is that?” Jaehwan seemed like he was trying to control his anger. He didn’t like the fact that Sanggyun placed Jinri in a very awkward position, especially at a place and event like this. It seemed like he was trying to embarass her in public, even though six months have passed already.

Chungha let out a sigh, running her fingers through her hair. “Calm yourself, Jaehwan. It may not be intentional.”

Jaehwan was at a loss for words. No matter how infuriated he was at the moment, there is a possibility that Chungha may be right.

“I’ll go check with the organizers. They probably have a list of the pieces the lit majors were supposed to perform.” Chungha gave Jinri a gentle pat on the shoulder before heading to the control booth, where most of the organizers of the event were.

Jinri let out a sigh for the nth time that night. She felt really embarrassed. Seongwu did nothing wrong yet he’s getting dragged to this drama. It was all her fault, and she felt really guilty.

Not having the confidence to stay close to Seongwu any longer, she decided that she needed some time to think. Alone. Probably to clear her head and re-think about the decisions she made. “I’ll head out for a while, probably get some water for myself or anything. Excuse me.”

Seongwu nodded slowly, watching Jinri as she made her way towards the house.

“I’ll come with you.” Jaehwan held Jinri’s wrist, catching up to her.

She shook her head. “I need to think about a few things alone, Jaehwan. Thanks for the concern though. Just stay here with Chungha, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Jaehwan sighed and nodded, letting her hand go. “Call me if you need me.”

Jinri nodded, leaving Jaehwan and the crowd as she went inside the house again.

All this time, she was okay. She thought she was okay. However, at that exact moment, she felt like it was back to where she started— but due to different reasons. She felt devastated, frustrated and annoyed at herself for causing that much pain to someone like Sanggyun; he didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve to be stuck at the same place, hurting for a long time when she knew she’s getting better. She knew she was being unfair, and it didn’t feel good.

She didn’t understand why Sanggyun kept on holding onto her like this— there’s nothing special about her. There are others who can give Sanggyun the kind of attention and love she wasn’t able to reciprocate at the right time, and it would be better for him anyways. There’s no use in trying to hold onto something that was gone a long time ago. Living in the memories of your past is never a good choice— it stops you from going forward with your life.

Letting her feet lead the way, she ended up outside the house. A lot of people were sitting on the cold concrete, talking and trying to sober up. Some were just taking a break from all the hype from the inside, and the others were out to smoke a few cigarettes. Jinri made sure to avoid that spot, because it would only make her headache worse. But they were everywhere, and she felt like her nose was blocked with smoke, leaving no room to breathe.

“Here, use this and cover your nose.” When she looked behind her to check who that person is, she felt a little relieved. It was Hyunbin, offering her his handkerchief with a small smile.

She looked at the handkerchief then at Hyunbin, a little hesitant at first.

Hyunbin urged her to take his handkerchief, and the girl had no choice but to do so.

Taking the handkerchief from Hyunbin, she sat on the pavement and covered her nose, closing her eyes for a few seconds. “What are you doing here?”

“Taking a walk after sending Eunwoo home.” Hyunbin nodded slowly, looking at her. “What are you doing out here?” He took a seat beside her, opening his can of beer before taking a sip. “The party’s inside, why are you staying out here when you know a lot of people in here smoke?”

“It’s suffocating inside.” Jinri answered softly, her eyes still closed.

“So instead of staying inside where your nose might feel more comfortable, you just chose to stay here and inhale all the lung cancer causes around the area?” Hyunbin said with a slight chuckle. “You’re really weird.”

“And a flashback of how we met is starting once again.” Jinri opened her eyes, looking at Hyunbin. Memories of their really awkward blind date were suddenly flashing in her mind, and it felt like it was the same for Hyunbin as well since he ended up laughing.

“You know, sometimes I keep on wondering whether meeting you was a good thing or not.” Hyunbin said, his tone slowly getting serious as he stared at the cold can of beer in his hands. If it wasn’t for him, Jinri and Sanggyun couldn’t have met.

It was also in January, only a few days after the really awkward blind date with no romantic connection at all. Jinri was buying her cup of coffee at the coffee shop across the university when Sanggyun and Hyunbin came in. She was waiting for her drink when Hyunbin greeted her, bowing at her before making his way towards the line with Sanggyun. Just like what he said in his poem, Jinri caught Sanggyun’s eyes at that moment. He ended up buying her a slice of blueberry cheesecake (a suggestion from Hyunbin since the girl ate her slice of blueberry cheesecake heartily during their blind date), and ended up getting her number from Hyunbin.

Jinri nodded slowly, hugging her knees close and leaning her chin on it. “How’s he doing?”

Hyunbin shrugged slightly. “He’s getting by. Better than the first months if you ask me.”

“I’m sorry,” was all that she could think of.

Hyunbin shook his head. “It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault if you ask me. I mean, it’s normal. Not all relationships work. It’s a two-way street. You’re both supposed to make each ends meet, not just one way or the other. It just didn’t work for you two, and it isn’t your fault that you’re handling the break up better than Sanggyun.”

“I loved him, believe me.”

“I know you did. We all know you did.” Hyunbin nodded slowly, finishing up all the beer in the can. “It just wasn’t enough. You made him happy, but he doesn’t make you happy the way you do to him. It was better that he actually figured it out earlier. It could’ve gotten worse.”

Jinri let out a sigh, nodding slowly. She understood what Hyunbin meant. If the short time they spent together had this much impact on Sanggyun, not being able to realize things earlier would cause him more pain. At first, she didn’t understand why he decided to end it; but as time passed by, she understood. Loving someone is one thing, however, loving someone enough to make a special kind of connection is another. It was her who slowly wrecked their relationship from the start.

“Please tell him I’m sorry.” Jinri looked at Hyunbin, giving his handkerchief back as she stood up.

Hyunbin looked at her as he took the handkerchief back, shaking his head slightly with a small smile. “Naaah. It’ll mess his mind up. He’s been doing really well until tonight. Just pretend you didn’t see me here.”

Jinri nodded slowly, placing her hands inside the pockets of her jacket. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

Hyunbin nodded, waving at the girl as she walked towards the house once again.

If it wasn’t for Hyunbin and their little talk, Jinri would’ve ended up talking to Sanggyun and apologizing once again. It wasn’t the best choice though. Maybe leaving him alone to deal with it would be a better choice than trying to make him understand something that she doesn’t even understand either.

This night might be the longest night of her life to date, and she isn’t even drunk yet. When she agreed to come to this art exhibit, she expected a really chill night where she can just watch and support Jaehwan with his band. Instead, it felt like she was continuously being shoved into the lairs of her past, unraveling all the pieces of it she didn’t know existed. It was exhausting, if you ask her. And if only the ground could eat her alive at the moment so that she wouldn’t have to face all this, she would happily jump into the hole and let the ground save her from all this.

As she made her way inside the house once again, she noticed that the people inside has already decreased. The night is getting deeper, and the people are getting drunker. The exhibit is already closed, the art majors closely guarding the stairs to stop any drunk person from going upstairs and destroying their months’ worth of work. The beer pong table is now left alone, since most of the people who used to play already went home or are outside trying to sober up.

She decided to head to the restroom to wash her face and fix herself before getting back to where her friends are. She was aware of the fact that the smell of the cigarette smoke probably stuck to her hair, so she’d just try to wash it off and probably spray some perfume on herself.

As if the universe is trying to mock her at the moment, she saw Seongwu and Heehyun right in front of the mirror; Seongwu leaning his back on the door of the men’s restroom with Heehyun standing really close to him. The two looked serious, and it seemed like Seongwu was trying his best to speak as calmly as he could.

Jinri couldn’t help but stare. Are Seongwu and Heehyun talking about getting back together again? She couldn’t help but wonder. If it was on a normal day, a lot of thoughts would’ve probably entered her mind. But today’s different— she was too tired of everything to even think about it.

She stopped at where she is, trying her best to blend in with the crowd so the two wouldn’t notice her. She couldn’t handle another round of awkwardness for the night, she’s had her share already. Everyone has their own set of baggage from the past, and it’s not like Seongwu has a perfectly clean slate. He has his own to deal with, and Jinri has hers.

She didn’t want anything to do with anyone at the moment. She felt so tired, exhausted— physically and mentally. All that she wanted at the moment was peace of mind, and if she saw nor talked to Seongwu or anyone related to him and Sanggyun on her way back to where Jaehwan and the gang were, she knows she’s probably going to flip.

That’s when she decided that it’s time to end the night. It was a very eventful three hours. She’s had too much.

this, I’m out.

**

February 7, 20xx

Let’s try to make it work, Jinri.

--

“So you’re really not going to tell me what happened after you just disappeared that night?” Minhyun asked in a soft voice, balancing the stack of books on his hands as he followed Jinri through the tall shelves of books in their university’s main library.

“Mm?” Jinri browsed through the thick book of communication theories she’s holding. She looked at Minhyun after closing the book, taking the two others she placed on the shelf together with the one she’s holding. “What were you saying?”

“I’m asking you why you left that night without telling us.” Minhyun rested his chin on top of the stack of books he’s holding, looking at Jinri as he waited for her answer.

Without notifying anyone, Jinri went home that night after seeing Seongwu and Heehyun in the restroom area. Hyunbin was surprised to see her outside once again, but the guy ended up helping her hail a cab so she could go home. He even took note of the plate number and asked Jinri to send him a text when she gets home since it’s late and it’s dangerous for a girl to go home alone.

When Jinri got home, she turned off her phone and placed it inside her drawer, not bothering to turn it on until this morning. She was welcomed by forty missed calls— twenty of it from Jaehwan, and the other twenty from Minhyun and Chungha; fifty one messages— mostly where are you’s from the three since they weren’t aware that Jinri already left. Jaehwan and Minhyun were panicking, and upon seeing this, Hyunbin came to them, telling them not to worry since Jinri went home already. Chungha just had to call Jisung and confirm.

At first, she thought that the three would be mad at her; but surprisingly, they weren’t. Chungha was just glad that she was safe, and told her to talk about what happened when she feels like it (which is something that Jinri doubts would happen); Minhyun was calm, but ended up scolding her for being careless and not thinking about what her actions would result to, and Jaehwan just told her ‘if you want to talk about it, just come to me’ before he went back to his usual self.

It’s been four days ever since the art exhibit, and Jinri hasn’t talked to Seongwu or Daniel or even Dongho and his friends. During their media studies class, it feels like nothing’s changed but something was really off— Daniel was unusually quiet and not talkative and Seongwu was still the ‘same’, giving her small smiles whenever their gazes meet. Dongho was the only normal one— he was still consistent with his overly-friendly personality, actively saying hi to Jinri whenever he sees her around campus.

“I was just really exhausted. I’m sorry.” Jinri stared at the back of the book, chewing on her lower lip. She wasn’t lying though; she was physically and mentally exhausted due to all that happened that night. However, she chose to leave out what made her burst. She didn’t want to bother Minhyun with her problem.

“Still, you should’ve told us. We were worried since you just disappeared without a trace. If it wasn’t for Hyunbin, we wouldn’t have known that you left. We might’ve assumed you were kidnapped or something.”

Jinri nodded slowly. “I know. I was an that night, I’m really sorry. I just wanted some time to think, I didn’t know it would cause that much trouble.”

“We get it, Jin. You need time to think. But at least, tell us if you’re leaving like that because we get worried. It was late and we don’t know where you are. We’re your friends, and we’d understand if you needed time. I’m your friend, but at times like this I just want to punch you in the face for not using that fat brain of yours.”

She let out a soft chuckle, shaking her head in amusement. Minhyun smiled as well, following her as she made her way through the shelves.

Today marked the start of Jaehwan and Jinri’s partnership for the thesis. The two, finally deciding to be good students and actually start on their thesis, decided to stay in the library and utilize the books provided by the university. They had been continuously reading and re-reading Jaehwan’s work. Jinri has been reading a lot on the topic, and continuously editing Jaehwan’s work to improve its form, as well as to input her insights on the topic. Minhyun and Chungha decided to tag along with the thesis partners since he also needed to go to the library for his own thesis and the girl had to make up for all the school works she missed in the past month.

“What time are you coming home?” Minhyun asked in a soft voice, yawning afterwards.

“What time is it?” Jinri placed the book she was holding on top of the books on the shelf before looking at Minhyun.

Minhyun tried his best to look at his wrist watch, but due to the stack of thick books he was holding, he wasn’t able to. So he just shrugged. “I don’t know, but I think it’s almost nine, and we haven’t had dinner yet. Chungha’s probably sleeping in there instead of doing her work.”

Just like what Minhyun said, it was almost nine in the evening already. Only the three were left in the library, since Jaehwan had to leave a few hours ago for his soccer training. The three haven’t had dinner yet, and only had a few candies and drinks from the small vending machine at the library’s lobby. After almost five hours in the library (their classes ended at four in the afternoon, and Jaehwan’s soccer training started at six), Minhyun is finally getting hungry.

Jinri placed the book she was holding before on its proper place. “Let’s get out of here and have dinner before going home?”

Minhyun nodded, leaning his chin on the books. “Let’s call it a day. I feel suffocated in here already.”

She nodded, taking half of the books from Minhyun. They went back to their seats, and Minhyun was right: Chungha did fall asleep while working on her script. After waking her up, the three finally decided to wrap everything up and call it a day.  Minhyun was busy fixing up and saving his draft, Chungha was trying to wake herself up so she could do the finishing touches on her script while Jinri divided the books into two stacks: the ones she would borrow and the ones she would return. After making up her mind, Jinri went to bring the books she wouldn’t need back to their respective shelves, while Minhyun and Chungha went ahead to get their bags, bringing Jinri’s laptop with them as well.

Even though it was late, the library was still filled with people. Only few desks were empty, and a lot of books were stacked on the small desk on the side, the place where people lazy enough to return the books place them. Jinri felt a little sleepy and wanted to wake herself up so she chose to be a better person and return the books herself.

“Why are you carrying so many books?” A familiar voice pulled Jinri out of her thoughts, looking up at the person suddenly standing beside her.

Kim Sanggyun looked at her with a slight smile, gesturing at the stack of thick books she was holding.

Jinri felt nervous the moment their eyes met. He was still the same— the soft gaze, the warm smile, the familiar feeling of him standing beside her all came back as if all of it happened yesterday. Unlike the sad smile he had a few days ago, he looked a little brighter and better.

“Let me help you with that.” Without Jinri’s permission, Sanggyun took the books from her and went behind the library’s book check out counter.

“Oppa..” Jinri didn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know how to act after the incident last Saturday.

“Mm?” Sanggyun didn’t look at her as he checked the books one by one. He seemed okay, as if nothing happened a few days ago.

Finally able to calm herself down and arrange her thoughts, Jinri looked at Sanggyun. “Do you work here?”

Sanggyun nodded slowly. “Mm. I work here part-time since I have a lot of free time this semester.”

“Are you graduating on June?”

“Fortunately, yes. I am graduating on June.” Sanggyun took out the library card of each book, marking them with the specific dates before scanning them with the machine. “You had your hair cut? It suits you.”

“You too. Your hair’s short now.”

“My hair was getting in the way, so I had it cut.” Sanggyun let out a soft chuckle. “Give me your ID, I need to scan it.”

Jinri took out her wallet from the pocket of her coat, fishing out her ID which was only useful at times like this. She handed it to Sanggyun, her palms a little sweaty and her hands shaking slightly. The last time she felt like this was when Sanggyun confessed, and boy, did all the memories come back from there.

“Have you been skipping your meals and only drinking coffee?” Sanggyun gave her ID back and glanced at her as he stacked the books neatly. “Got no one to eat with? Jisung hyung must be busy these days.”

Sanggyun has always been the observant type. If other boys wouldn’t notice whatever is new with a girl, Sanggyun’s always the first one to point it out. He was the perfect man; too bad she wasted him and his efforts and broke his heart.

“These books are heavy. I’ll lend you a bag. Just leave it here in the library counter after you use it.” Sanggyun took out a folded tote bag from his backpack which was on the chair behind him, placing the books carefully inside it. “Minhyun’s outside, right? Ask him to carry this for you since your shoulder might hurt after carrying this for so long.” 

Jinri was slightly taken aback at how Sanggyun still remembers her habits. All of sudden, guilt washed all through her. And at that same moment, she finally understood what exactly the problem was: she felt lacking when she was with Sanggyun.

The boy is too perfect, and perfect doesn’t really appeal to her. He felt unreal, like a character out of the romance books she read when she was in high school. He didn’t get mad when she wasn’t able to answer his calls, he was too understanding and nice for his own good. Jinri didn’t want someone who’s perfect— she wants someone as human as her; someone who would make small mistakes every now and then like not even noticing her new shirt, someone who would get mad at her when she doesn’t answer his calls. It was her problem after all, not his. It really was her fault.

“I’ll walk you out.” Sanggyun held the bag of books tightly. Jinri refused, but Sanggyun insisted to do it. After asking for permission from the head librarian, he walked with Jinri out of the library.

The short distance between the counter and the library lobby felt longer than usual. The silence was awkward; Jinri swore she could hear the sound of her wrist watch ticking.

“About last Saturday,” Sanggyun was the one who broke the silence. Jinri looked at him, waiting for what he’s going to say next. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable because of my piece. I prepared it not knowing you would be there.”

Jinri nodded slowly. She knows that Sanggyun isn’t the type of person who would do that intentionally. “I know, oppa. Don’t worry about it. It’s really okay.”

“So..” he started, looking a little hesitant at first.

“Mm?” She had a hunch of what he might be saying after, but maybe, she might be wrong.

“You and Seongwu.” Sanggyun said softly, almost sounding like a whisper.

I was right. “We’re not a thing, nothing’s going on.”

 “I didn’t say anything about it yet.”

“And I know you will, knowing you.” Jinri smiled slightly, looking at the guy with the slightly red ears. “I just want to let you know that you’re perfect, and someday, you’ll find someone who could kick me in the for hurting you.”

Sanggyun let out a soft chuckle, shaking his head slightly. “I hope she’d kick your real good.”

“I know she will.” Upon reaching the lobby, Jinri took the bag of books from Sanggyun. She looked at him, her eyes immediately noticing Sanggyun’s necklace— the ring she gave him on his birthday hanging on it. “I ne—”

Before she could finish her sentence, Sanggyun suddenly wrapped his arms around her, hugging her as tightly as he could. “Just give me a few seconds, Jin. I really miss you.” It was almost a whisper.

Jinri was surprised, but she just nodded slowly, patting Sanggyun’s back gently. Hyunbin was right— meeting him would do him no good. If only she could do something to make him feel better, to make him forget all about her so he could start anew. “You’ll be okay, oppa. Even without me.”

Sanggyun nodded slowly, letting her go. “I know. I just needed this— this last moment.”

Jinri didn’t know what to say; she pressed her lips together as she looked at the ground. She knows that whatever she says at the moment wouldn’t be enough to comfort him.

“I saw the way you looked at him, and I want you to be happy.” Sanggyun tried his best to smile as he ruffled her hair, something that he liked to do when they were still together.

“Oppa I’m s—”

“I hope I don’t see you ever again,” Sanggyun rubbed his nape, looking away. “I want to be happy as well, that is why I’m going to let you go.”

And with that, Sanggyun left.