Journal entry #35

Mark would never love me back the way I want to, the way I need to be loved. This is just so ed up, I’m a mess and time is ticking not only for the comeback stage but also for my health. The doctor confirmed my suspicious; he said I have reached stage 3 and my internal organs are fighting a war. Things are getting more complicated. How I wish everything would be different. I can’t force you Mark, I would never force love. Whenever I see you going out with Sana you’re innocently rubbing salt in my wounded heart. I’m only contemplating my available options:

Have the surgery???

I have tried very hard to stop this. My heart that only looks at you feels lonely, even this entry is a living probe of my disease, there’re some blood stains in it. Before I had symptoms only when I saw you, now I have symptoms even when just thinking about you. I can’t move forward. My body doesn’t listen to me. I’m so weak right now.

BamBam is taking care of me. I went to the hospital, since I cannot go to my original doctor in China, she derived me to a new one here in Korea. The doctor said I might have only 3 weeks before it’s too late. Doctor Kang is forcing me to have the surgery, but if I get it... Everything will be gone: my love for you and our friendship as well, I’m so confused I don’t know what to do anymore, it seems there's no light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm so sorry Mark, I love you too much.

J-

That week was a complete disaster for Jackson, a high fever took over his body and he started to cough full bloomed flowers. Time was really running out. He had BamBam next to him, his friend took the petals and flowers and hide them away from the rest of the members.

Jackson was super lucky he was no longer sharing his bedroom; otherwise everybody would notice the blood. BamBam explained the floral scent in Jackson's bedroom by saying that Jackson was under a new therapy for relieveing stress symptoms. Who would have thought gardenias have one of the strongest smell in the world of flowers? During that week Mark couldn't visit Jackson, he was so busy with the comeback, and somehow JYP found out about Jackson’s conditions and kept it as a secret. He wasn’t only his boss, JYP thought about Jackson as his own family and as his hyung he decided to protect Jackson.

Every time Mark was about to enter Jackson’s room somebody-read it BamBam- interrupted him, Mark could only send messages to Jackson. At the same time, Sana and Mark were drifting away, their schedules were impossible. Mark took the final decision. He ended the relationship with her, in good terms though, it was mutual, it was a beautiful relationship while it lasted but there was nothing they could do anymore so they let it go.

Jackson, on the other hand, wasn’t happy about his situation, he was unable to eat and speak properly, his throat was itching all the time. His lungs were barely supplying him enough oxygen. He couldn’t join the rest of the memberstin the promotions. He felt he was a real burden. On top of that, Mark’s absence was literally killing him

Journal entry # 37

I’m so done with everything; BamBam is now pressuring me as well. He said I need to love myself the same amount I love you Mark. He said I must consider others too, what about my parents? Would they be happy if they find out I gave up on life for love? For an unrequested love? For a hopeless love? And ahgases would be so sad if they never see me again. I have worked so hard, but I can’t escape form this.

Mark I hate you so much!!!! It has been a week!! A ing week and you haven’t been here!!! I’ve been bedridden for a week and you never once came to see how I was doing. I mean, you made me food, prepared my things and my medicine, you sent me messages. But you never came to see me. Am I now a disposable friend? Don’t you value me a bit?

I’ve made my mind, I’m allowing myself to be selfish for a second time in my life. The first one was when I left fencing for coming to Korea. This time I’m gonna be selfish again, I wanna live, I wanna be happy.

Mark I’m giving up on you, I’m giving up on our friendship. There’s nothing of it to be saved to be honest. I’m having the surgery, even if it means I’m taking you and our memories out of my system. I’m so sorry but it’s the only way for me.

Mark I’m sorry I love you but I also love myself. I’m calling the hospital, my appointment will be made and that’s it. Good bye Mark Tuan, I love you!!!

J-

Actually, after the phone call to the hospital Jackson fell unconscious. BamBam entered the room and read the entry. He called the ambulance while the members were out having dinner. Jackson was taken to the ER, he was put under mechanical assistance for breathing. Doctors rushed in and estabilized him. Once he woke up he was asked the question:

Mr. Wang are you having the surgery?- Asked doctor Kang.

Yes sir, I want the surgery- answered an almost lifeless Jackson.

BamBam was in the same room together with JYP and He Jiong gege. They listened to everything and made sure Jackson was treated well. Only Bambam was left behind.

Hyung, I’m sorry you’re in this position now. I wanted to ask you a final question: what do you want me to do with your journal? I have it in here with me, I found it in your bed and I hid it, tell me what to do-

Give it to me now, I’ll write my last entry. Once I’m done I want you to hide it. It’s an important part of my life that I don’t want it to end in a trashcan but I can’t have it near me in the future. Please hand it to me now; there must be a pen inside – said Jackson.

As you wish hyung, and yes there’s a pen. I’ll leave you alone now to finish it. Once you’re ready call me and I’ll take it with me.

Thanks a lot BamBam-ie, you are a life saver-

Last journal entry.