November  9, 2011 – Wednesday

Dearest J,

Ok, here we go again. If I remembered it correctly, it was Wednesday when I first started writing my thoughts about him.

What is it in Wednesday that makes me feel sad? What is it in Wednesday that makes me feel alone – that the whole world is just staring at me with piercing eyes? I really wonder.

Was it because, it was on a Wednesday when I realized that my feelings for him is something deeper than just an infatuation or just mere admiration?

However, days passed – I prayed for him since he was caught in a situation wherein loneliness, regrets and hatred are overwhelming. I just silently prayed for him to win this battle. I was just a shadow watching over him; shrugging of the facts that he did not notice me, that he will never notice me. A shadow that will just follow him, people tend to step on me, just to get near to him. A shadow that he will never be able to touch – the more I come closer to him, the more he will be away from me. The more I try to reach him, the more I distance myself away from him.

I thought I would just be happy to be his shadow. But I was wrong. I felt bad, hurtfully bad. I never imagined that watching him from a distance would be this hurtful. Though I wanted to be with him, I can’t. I will never ever be with him.

I am very happy that he was able to get through all his problems. Everything happened for a reason. The sadness he felt one month ago was replaced by triumph. 

How I wish to be part of his happiness. How I wish that I was with him to celebrate his success. But again, I was just his shadow cheering for him, celebrating on my own way. Cheering for him with all my lungs out even if I know that he will never hear me, that he will never know what I am doing.

I wish even just once, I will be able to step out of the light, and finally he will notice me. He will talk to me, I will be able to say what I wanted to tell him for so long, that he is important to me, that he makes me happy and that I am with him no matter what happened. But I know that this wish of mine is too far from reality.

I keep telling myself to wake up from this dream that is driving me insane, but I can’t stop myself. He became my drug. I tried to stop but I experienced having withdrawal symptoms. Guess I know the reason why addicts stay addicts, even if they have been through rehabilitation. T.T 

S