Final
You make me forget all fearSIDENOTE: Joohyun and Seulgi are the same age here, while Seungwan is a year younger than them.
The sound of the doorbell has Joohyun looking up from her phone.
She gets up from her living room sofa and walks towards the door, quickly glancing around to assess the current state of her apartment; she wants to leave her new roommate a good first impression, after all.
After making sure she doesn’t have any weird clutter lying around, she unlocks the front door and opens it, the sight of a shorter brunette shuffling her feet greeting her. The girl is carrying a backpack on one shoulder, while a few more bags lay on the floor beside her. She looks up and gives Joohyun a tentative smile. “Hi, I’m Son Seungwan, and I apologize in advance for disturbing your peace for two years.”
Joohyun chuckles at the girl’s awkward attempt at humor. “I’m Joohyun. And you’re forgiven,” she tells the girl with a reassuring smile, wanting to ease her nerves. Joohyun is sure that they’ll get comfortable with each other as time passes; they have two years for that, after all. She begins to help Seungwan settle in by picking some of the bags off the floor.
“Oh! No, no it’s—“
“Let me,” she interrupts Seungwan and carries the bags inside her – their – apartment.
Seungwan has no choice but to accept her help, bringing with her the remaining bags as she steps inside.
Joohyun watches Seungwan check the place out and notices the shorter girl’s eyes go comically round in awe. Joohyun tries to look around the room from her new roommate’s perspective. She supposes it does look really nice for a supposed college student’s apartment. The walls are painted a light shade of purple, and the flooring is a shiny, chocolate hardwood. The kitchen and dining area take up half of the wide open space, while the living room—complete with a huge beige sofa, flat screen TV, and mahogany coffee table—takes up the other half. Adjacent to the living room is a short and narrow hallway containing three white doors: one for her room, the other a guest room–which will now be Seungwan’s room—and lastly, one for their shared bathroom.
“Feel free to take a look around,” Joohyun tells the girl.
Seungwan jerks a bit in surprise—which Joohyun finds amusing since she’s usually the one who gets surprised easily—and smiles at Joohyun shyly before tentatively walking towards the kitchen.
Right. Seungwan’s going to be cooking their meals during her entire stay. Joohyun had argued to her father that he didn't have to burden the foreign student who was staying with her with such a task, but he had explicitly stated that Seungwan was the one who didn’t take no for an answer. I guess I would feel kind of guilty if I were to be living in an apartment like this for free, too.
Her father had told her of her new roommate two weeks ago, saying that she’s his old friend’s daughter from Canada who wanted to finish up her studies here in Seoul before going into medical school. His friend had asked Joohyun’s father if he knew of any suitable apartments for his daughter, and her father had said he had found the perfect one: his daughter Joohyun’s.
Joohyun honestly doesn’t mind. It does get quite lonely here since the apartment’s big enough to actually house four people, or even more. The only part that ruffled her feathers a bit was her father not-so-subtly mentioning how having a studious girl like Seungwan may motivate Joohyun to study harder as well.
Sure, Joohyun always got grades near the passing mark, but at least they were passing. The main reason why she didn’t take enough initiative to study was because she was going to inherit her father’s business once she graduated anyway.
“What would you like for dinner?” Seungwan’s voice startles Joohyun back to the present. While Joohyun has been temporarily lost in her own thoughts, Seungwan had taken a peek inside the huge refrigerator in the kitchen and found…basically nothing. Nothing that could be turned into a decent meal, at least. Seungwan realizes that she has to do some grocery shopping to stock up.
“Um…you don’t have to start cooking now. I’m sure you've had a long flight and are probably very tired.”
“No, I’m fine,” Seungwan tells her with a smile, although Joohyun doesn’t fail to notice the fatigue beginning to seep into the former’s bright eyes.
“I already ordered food for the two of us, so you really don’t have to worry,” Joohyun lies, taking pity on the girl. “Your room’s on the right, and the bathroom’s the door in the middle. The one on the left is my room,” she informs Seungwan, pointing at the three doors. “Let me help you with your things so you can get settled.”
Seungwan looks at her like she wants to reject her help, but Joohyun an eyebrow at her. Seungwan smartly stays silent, besides a shy “thank you,” and lets Joohyun carry some of her bags.
Once all of Seungwan’s things are placed inside her room, Joohyun excuses herself, saying that she has to do something in her own room (so that she can quickly call a restaurant for food delivery), but before she could take a step out into the hallway, a hand on her forearm stops her.
She looks back at Seungwan, whose face has visibly lit up, previously tired eyes now remarkably clear. “Thank you,” she tells Joohyun with utmost sincerity, stunning the taller girl. Joohyun knows it’s not really her Seungwan should be thanking; she should be thanking her father instead.
But as Joohyun closes the door behind her, she feels like she wants to thank her father too. Why didn’t I think of getting a roommate sooner?
***
Joohyun bites back a moan and settles on sighing blissfully instead.
“God, so good…”
Seungwan laughs, looking behind her at the girl stuffing her face with the puttanesca she had just cooked. “I’m glad my cooking makes you happy.”
“Very. Stop studying biology and take up culinary arts instead!”
“Cooking is something I enjoy. I don’t really want it to become something I’m obligated to do,” Seungwan says as she washes the utensils she has just used for cooking their meal.
But you’re cooking for me…to ‘pay’ for living in this apartment. Joohyun scrunches her eyebrows together as the thought enters her head. She stops herself (albeit very reluctantly) from further vacuuming up the pasta and voices her thoughts out loud to the girl by the sink.
Seungwan pauses her washing. “I…don’t really see cooking for you an obligation, Joohyun-unnie. You know your dad told me it wasn’t necessary for me to do these things, so when I do them, I don’t really feel like it’s a job…you know?” Seungwan tries her best to explain it to her.
Joohyun understands, although she still feels kind of bad that Seungwan has to cook for her in the first place.
Joohyun didn't realize how unhealthy her diet was until a month ago, when Seungwan began living with her. Back then, if she were too impatient to wait for the usual food delivery of whatever she was craving, she would just result to boiling ramyeon and topping it off with an egg.
Seungwan’s daily meals are now a blissful luxury to her. Breakfast consisted of pancakes, waffles or something savory like bacon and eggs, instead of her previous meal choice: cereal or toast—basically anything that would take under 5 minutes to prepare. Lunch or dinner would then be a variety of things, from Korean dishes to western ones that Seungwan had learned to prepare during her many years in Canada. Only one thing has been constant among them: they were all mouthwateringly delicious.
Seungwan shouldn’t even be preparing these meals for her, especially during weekends when the younger girl has a part-time job at a café as a barista. But Seungwan would always cook more servings during Thursdays and Fridays so Joohyun could heat up the leftovers during the weekend.
The verdict: Joohyun is being ridiculously spoiled by her very own personal-chef-slash-roommate Son Seungwan.
Seungwan, who hasn’t taken a single bite of the puttanesca and is still currently rinsing the dishes.
Joohyun realizes that Seungwan always does this: wash the dishes while Joohyun eats at the table. Seungwan would always decline her offer of eating with her and would tell her that she will just eat in her room while studying. She doesn’t realize the pattern until now, since they would always be making small talk, allowing Joohyun to forget (and okay maybe it was because the meals were so good that she barely looked up from her plate).
Joohyun decidedly stands up and takes a plate and a pair of chopsticks from the drawer. She walks towards Seungwan and turns off the faucet the other girl was still using.
“Wha—“ Joohyun grabs Seungwan’s still-wet hand and drags her to sit beside her.
“Sit. Eat,” is all she tells her.
Seungwan blinks at her, and her innocently clueless expression makes the corners of Joohyun’s lips lift up. Adorable.
“Uh…I’m fine, unnie. I’ll eat when I—“ She stops talking when Joohyun fills up her plate with heaping portions of pasta.
“Eat. With me.”
Seungwan opens to most probably decline her offer again but Joohyun interrupts and asks “Why do you never eat with me?”
Seungwan’s eyes get bigger, thinking that she has probably offended Joohyun-unnie with her actions. “I-It’s not that...it’s…”
“Is it because you feel like some kind of servant?” Joohyun figures that being blunt would be better for this conversation.
Seungwan’s eyes get even bigger (how is that even possible?), and her eyebrows shoot to the sky. “N-no!”
But Joohyun sees it in her eyes. The insecurity. And Joohyun hates it.
“Seungwan. I should be the one subservient to you. You make all these dishes for me and all I do is moan about how good it is. I’m the one who owes you here, okay? Don’t ever feel like you owe me anything. I’m not even paying for this place; my father is. And so far he’s benefiting from this as much as you are. He’s pleased that I have a roommate who’s responsible, nice and a great cook. And he’s delighted that I now eat home-cooked meals when I’m at home. So don’t ever feel like you don’t belong here, okay?” Joohyun ends her spiel with her hand grasping Seungwan’s, in case her speech doesn’t reassure Seungwan enough.
For a while, Seungwan doesn’t say anything. Then it happens all at once. Her face lights up almost blindingly, and her eyes no longer hold the doubt Joohyun had seen in it earlier. It has been replaced by so much warmth and sparkle (how do her eyes sparkle like that?) that it makes Joohyun all warm inside. And then she no longer sees Seungwan’s face because her roommate has gotten off her seat and has wrapped her arms around Joohyun. Joohyun’s insides warm even further, the heat moving up to her neck and face as Seungwan surrounds her senses. Joohyun has never been this close to Seungwan before, and she will not mind if it were to happen again.
***
Joohyun checks the time. Midnight. Her brain is barely making any sense of the words in front of her anymore. She needs a break.
Craving some milk tea, she decides to get some from the store a block away from the apartment. Taking her wallet and keys with her, she’s closing the door to her room behind her when she notices Seungwan’s slightly ajar door across the hall. She’s probably studying for midterms too. Maybe she also wants a drink.
Joohyun walks up to Seungwan’s door and knocks softly. “Seungwan?”
When Joohyun receives no response, she opens the door a little more and sees her roommate sleeping away on her desk. Seungwan’s face is turned towards Joohyun’s, the former’s eyelashes shadowing her cheeks, but what completes the picture is the small amount of drool trailing from her slightly open mouth to her textbook. Joohyun bites back a giggle, not wanting to wake the sleeping angel who deserves more than a few minutes of rest.
Joohyun knows that if her midterms were killing her, Seungwan probably has it way worse, as the latter is studying hard enough to earn herself the reputation of being one of the top students in their university. She has also heard from her father that Seungwan’s academic standing was the same when she was still in Canada. Seungwan has also admitted to her during one of their dinner conversations that she's trying to gain a full scholarship to medical school. And to top it all off, Seungwan still makes enough time to work part-time and cook Joohyun amazing dishes.
Joohyun knows she could—should—put her foot down and make Seungwan stop cooking for her, but the thing is, she doesn’t want to. It’s incredibly selfish of her, but she likes spending time with Seungwan during breakfast and dinner. She likes getting to know her roommate better.
Joohyun lifts her gaze away from the sleeping brunette and notices the empty coffee cup beside the girl. Right. Seungwan likes coffee. Joohyun realizes her roommate probably ends up buying coffee outside since they don’t have a coffee maker in the apartment, what with Joohyun never needing one since she doesn’t drink the beverage. An idea forms in her head, and she takes a mental note of it.
After another amused glance at her lightly snoring roommate, Joohyun quietly closes Seungwan’s door behind her and leaves to get them both their much-needed caffeine-induced fix.
***
Seungwan jerks awake an hour later, her head rising along with the page of her textbook that has her drool stuck to it. Cringing, she wipes the page with her shirt as she blinks at her clock. She sighs, knowing that she shouldn’t have taken that short nap, but also grateful for it. She needed that. Badly.
She finally notices the large iced coffee drink beside her. A filled one, replacing the drink she has finished earlier, which is now nowhere to be found.
Her smile lights up the entire room as she realizes that there was only one person who could’ve given her that drink.
The morning after next, the scent of brewing coffee fills Seungwan’s nostrils the moment she opens the door to her room.
***
Seungwan jolts awake with a start, a page of her textbook once again sticking to one side of her face.
I can’t believe I fell asleep again.
During her days in Canada, Seungwan was never one to fall asleep while studying. She always seemed to dedicate enough enthusiasm towards her studies. She still enjoys learning new things in her classes right now, but her part-time job has taken a huge toll on her. And it’s only been four months.
Seungwan knows she doesn’t really need to work since she’s already living in a rent-free apartment. Her parents also never fail to send her a generous allowance every week, and most of her meals are already paid for, since Joohyun’s father is the one paying for the groceries that she uses to cook meals for Joohyun and herself.
Although working isn’t necessary, Seungwan thrives on the fact that she now has a growing sum saved up in her own bank account. Even though she has to sacrifice sleep in order to still continue doing well in her studies, Seungwan thinks it’ll be worth it in the end.
She will in fact need to look for a new apartment in less than two years, and that’s when her savings can be put to good use. This thought makes Seungwan a little sad; she has been quite fond of Joohyun’s company, even if they usually only get to interact during their shared meals. She finds living with the older girl…comfortable, to say the least.
Seungwan snaps out of her thoughts once she realizes that she still hasn’t removed the paper subtly scratching her face. She finally does so, and she forces herself to get up and move towards the kitchen. Maybe coffee will help keep her awake. No, she’s sure coffee will keep her awake. Thank you, coffee god, for never letting me down.
Seungwan suddenly realizes how oddly quiet the apartment is, and recalls how Joohyun had peeked through her door a few hours ago, letting her know that Joohyun was going out with her friends for a while. It’s weird that Seungwan even notices the difference in the silence, since Joohyun prefers to study or do whatever she wants to do in her own room anyway, and Seungwan does the same. Seungwan brushes it off as sleepy nonsense, not wanting to admit that her thoughts were borderline creepy.
She unconsciously smiles as she begins to use the coffee machine Joohyun had surprised her with. She still remembers the morning when she found Joohyun having a frustrated stare-down with the machine, somehow forgetting to place the coffee jug below the filter. Seungwan had watched in amused horror as steaming hot brewed coffee trickled over the counter and floor.
Knowing that Joohyun doesn’t drink coffee, Seungwan knows that the machine was bought solely for her, and she doesn’t know what to do with the warmth that goes through her every time she thinks about it.
She opens the pantry to retrieve the ground coffee beans, but halts her movements once she hears the fumbling of keys and a muffled thump on the apartment door.
lifts, knowing it could only be one person at the door, but she freezes once she hears what could only be described as a soft moan from the other side. The fumbling to insert the key into the lock also takes far longer than usual.
Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Seungwan awkwardly watches Joohyun walking backwards. Because a girl was pushing Joohyun. And then pulling her, yanking Seungwan’s roommate back in by gripping the collar of her shirt.
All Seungwan can register in her confused sleep-addled brain are hands. All over. Going everywhere. Yanking everywhere. And then sounds. Sounds that made her bite back a gasp because she sure as hell didn’t want to hear those sounds. Not from that girl. Not from her roommate. Well, maybe…..wait what the heck are you thinking Son Seungwan don’t even go there.
Seungwan doesn’t realize that it’s been five minutes since Joohyun had closed the door to her own room, thankfully muffling any more intimate sounds. Five minutes of Seungwan gripping the pantry door, still a little bit shocked. A whiff of alcohol permeates the still air.
Finally, Seungwan moves, closing the cabinet and walking quietly back to her room. She sits down, plugs her earphones to her phone, puts them on and goes back to studying. She doesn’t need coffee to keep her awake anymore.
***
Joohyun wakes up around noon, feeling the worst feeling anyone could ever feel, at least that’s what she thinks right now. It takes her five minutes to remember who she is and what she's done last night to cause such a feeling of death. It takes her another two to slowly look around her room to find no trace of her companion (Joohyun calls her that because she honestly cannot remember her name). But Joohyun knows she had been there, because her inner thighs are still a little sore. She’s glad that she doesn’t have to deal with the usual awkward one-night stand goodbye though.
It takes her a couple more minutes to finally get off her bed and search for something that can wash the feeling of death and regret away. Seeing Seungwan’s door once she opens her own, Joohyun wonders if her roommate had witnessed or heard anything last night. Joohyun has never really broached on the topic of her uality with the younger girl. A pang of fear hits her as she imagines Seungwan having a homophobic reaction towards the whole thing, but this feeling vanishes as soon as she walks towards the kitchen and sees what is left on the dining table.
She reads the post-it first.
Maybe these will help remove the feeling of death a little. Take the pills first, and then drink the hangover soup. :) -S
That is all the note says, but something in Joohyun’s chest clenches and warms, and she stands there, stupidly grinning at a piece of paper.
***
“Thank God we finally have a free cut for this class. Now I can finally get some dessert!” Joohyun’s friend Seulgi exclaims enthusiastically, grabbing herself a food tray as she lines up with Joohyun in the school’s cafeteria.
It’s the first time this semester that their professor isn’t able to meet with them. They usually end up having a late lunch, since the class’s schedule overlaps with the usual lunch time, therefore most food options are already unavailable when they arrive at the cafeteria.
After getting and paying for their food, Joohyun and Seulgi occupy one of the nearest tables and begin to dig in to their meal. Only a few tables are occupied, since lunch time is still half an hour away.
As Joohyun chews on her rice, thinking about the quiz she will be having later, Seulgi’s words break her away from her thoughts. “Hey, isn’t that your roommate?”
Joohyun looks at the direction Seulgi’s finger is pointed towards. Seungwan is occupying one of the tables farthest from them, head bowed down, with her dark brown bangs shadowing her face as she reads from the textbook in front of her. This is the first time that Joohyun has actually seen Seungwan in school in six months, mainly due to the differences in their schedules.
Joohyun watches as Seungwan distractedly shovels food into from the plate on her right, and Joohyun thinks that Seungwan probably doesn’t taste a thing with how hard the latter is concentrating on her book. Joohyun’s lips unconsciously quirk in amusement.
“Why are you staring at her like that?” Seulgi asks her, looking back and forth between the two.
Joohyun becomes conscious of her small smile, and immediately drops it. “What? She’s–it’s cute. How she practically burns the book with her eyes,” Joohyun defends.
“Maybe if I stare at our economics book like that, I’ll top the class like her too…” Seulgi contemplates.
Joohyun hums a wordless reply, back to observing Seungwan, her food long forgotten and her chopsticks slightly hovering midair.
She notices that Seungwan has her earphones on, and she wonders how she can concentrate on reading while listening to music. Joohyun personally finds it hard to do so while she studies, preferring the quiet, because most of the time, she just ends up humming or singing along to the songs, and she loses her focus.
“She’s pretty,” Seulgi comments. Joohyun looks at her friend, eyebrows furrowing. “Why haven’t you jumped her yet?”
Joohyun’s mouth opens in shock at her friend’s seemingly offhand statement. She is saved from giving a most likely stupid reply when she notices a guy standing across Seungwan, looking like he’s trying to strike up a conversation with the girl.
Seungwan removes one of her earphones and responds with a smile. The guy eventually sits down across from her and opens a book identical to the one she’s reading.
“Isn’t that the second smartest biology major?” Seulgi again rhetorically asks her. “Well, he was the first before Wendy came along,” she adds with a whisper, like it was some kind of gossip. Nerdy gossip. How does Seulgi even know these things?
Before Joohyun gets to voice out her thoughts, she notes something in Seulgi’s words that grasps more of her attention. “Wait…Wendy?”
“Yeah…your roommate’s…name?”
“What? No, her name is Seungwan. Son Seungwan.”
“Uhh…maybe that’s her real name? But she prefers to be called Wendy around campus.”
Wendy?
Joohyun mouths the word, tests it out. She thinks it somehow first perfectly with the brunette, but the name Seungwan does too.
“Wait…she never told you to call her Wendy?”
“She uh…no.”
“Huh.”
Huh, indeed.
***
“Wendy…”
Seungwan chokes on her water, coughing hard for a few seconds.
Joohyun patiently waits for her roommate to stop spluttering, calmly twirling the carbonara in front of her.
Seungwan’s – no, Wendy’s – cheeks have turned a light shade of pink.
“Unnie…how did you–?”
“I go to the same university as you, you know.”
“Ah…right…” Wendy scratches the back of her head nervously, and Joohyun stares at her in amusement. She kind of likes seeing the younger girl all flustered. So cute.
“You tell everyone to call you Wendy, and yet…with me…”
“No! It’s not what you think, unnie!” Wendy’s eyes have become comically big again. So. Cute. “It’s just…I…”
Wendy sighs. Tries to collect her thoughts so she can voice out her intentions properly.
“Look, unnie. I came to Korea without knowing a single person here. My entire family’s back in Canada…and…well, I can be really independent and all, but it doesn’t stop me from missing them from time-to-time.”
Joohyun’s heart softens and tightens at her roommate’s words. Joohyun wants to hug her fiercely, to comfort her, but she knows that Wendy still has more things to say, so she barely stops herself from tackling the girl.
“In Canada, everyone in school also called me Wendy. But every time I came home, all I heard was ‘Seungwan.’ My family still calls me by my real name. And so, when I met you, I just thought that I wanted someone to still call me Seungwan. To be…kind of…like my family. So…umm, unnie…I’m sor-“
Seungwan stops speaking as Joohyun springs from her seat and wraps her in a tight embrace.
“Unnie, I-I can’t breathe!”
***
Joohyun regrets this. Kind of. No…not really.
She sighs and tries to focus on the notes and textbook before her.
After fifteen minutes, she spaces out again.
Not really spaces out…more like…gets distracted. By the girl beside her, who is clearly not as distracted as she is, since she’s still studying diligently.
Joohyun can’t help it if said girl smelled so good; Joohyun just wants to bury her nose on her neck and just…be.
Joohyun’s eyes widen as she realizes how weird her thoughts have gotten lately. Stupid distracting Canadian. Stupid distracting Canadian who somehow made Joohyun request for a little study date with her because Joohyun didn’t know how else to ask her out without it seeming like it was a hang out. Although Joohyun knows that she can always just spend some time in the café Seungwan is working in, she knows her presence will be questioned there, since she has been dubbed as a “coffee hater” by her roommate herself.
Next time, she was just going to outright ask Seungwan to go out with her. NOT in the going-out-like-a-date kind of way, mind you. Just a simple, platonic—
“Unnie, you’re spacing out again.”
“Err…no, I’m not!”
“Mmhmm…”
Joohyun glares at the girl beside her, who isn’t even sparing her a single glance! How could she have known that she was spacing out?
Feeling somewhat annoyed, Joohyun tries to distract her roommate. Not that she wants Seungwan’s attention. Nope. Not at all.
She leans her head against Seungwan’s shoulder, trying to take a peek at what the girl is reading.
Oops. Big mistake. Now Seungwan’s vanilla perfume smells even stronger. Abort. Abort.
Her body doesn’t listen to her brain.
“Unnie…”
Joohyun merely hums in reply, too distracted by the shorter girl’s scent. Seungwan smells even better than fabric conditioner, and that’s saying something.
“I thought you wanted us to study. Together.”
Joohyun sighs dejectedly, finally detaching herself from the other girl. “Fine, fine. It’s just that…this stupid biology elective is so hard! How the hell are you able to study this as your major??”
With this statement, Seungwan finally turns to look at her with a smile on her face. “I know it’s difficult, unnie. But I actually find the whole course interesting, so it’s easier for me. Uhh, why don’t I help you? What parts do you not get?”
Joohyun immediately brightens up at the idea and agrees. She knows she’s probably taking away Seungwan’s precious study time for her own majors, but she’ll make it up to her with daily coffee and bagel offerings. She knows Seungwan loves those.
Joohyun now has an excuse to lean against Seungwan’s shoulder, with her biology textbook laid out in front of them.
Although Seungwan’s perfume is still quite overpowering, Joohyun now basks in it comfortably, and she doesn’t get distracted for two hours straight.
Maybe she should’ve taken two biology electives.
***
Seungwan rubs her aching forehead, attempting to dissipate the pain.
This week has been one of the most stressful ones yet, with all her majors requiring project after project, exam after exam. Like the students were robots that did not have to eat nor sleep to recharge their energy.
She checks the time on the living room clock, noting that any minute now, Joohyun will be bursting through the door and demanding to be fed.
Seungwan really wants to cook for her roommate—no, they were more than that now…friends even—because she loves seeing the bliss on Joohyun’s face once she takes a bite, but Seungwan just can’t right now. She’ll have to apologize profusely and Joohyun will have to order in. Seungwan will just have to make it up to her someday.
As if on queue, Seungwan hears the jingle of keys and the turning of a lock, and with a click, Bae Joohyun bursts through the apartment door.
“Wannieeeee~!!!” Joohyun’s face is flushed, like she’d been running the entire way from the university to their home (she kind of had). And her eyes are sparkling. Spark. Ling. And she holds a grin that threatens to split her face in half.
Seeing her friend happy makes Seungwan feel way better than the aspirin she had taken half an hour ago.
In the blink of an eye, Joohyun is in front of her, but then she is immediately blocked from view by the piece of paper she s onto Seungwan’s face.
All Seungwan sees is a blur, and she chuckles, grasping Joohyun’s wrists to push the paper back slightly so that she can actually read whatever was stated there.
The first thing that attracts Seungwan’s attention is the big red 91 encircled at the upper right hand corner of the page. She then reads through and finds out that this is the exam paper for the biology elective Seungwan had helped Joohyun study for.
She holds the older girl’s hands tighter, bringing the paper down so that they could look at each other.
Seungwan matches the grin on the other girl’s face, headache momentarily forgotten. “Wow!!! Daebak! I knew you could do it!”
Seungwan’s head spins once again, but this time she gets dizzy from Joohyun’s lavender scent when Joohyun envelopes her in a bone-crushing hug. She hugs her back just as tightly.
Seungwan doesn’t know how long they stay there, locked in an embrace. Soon, she becomes all too conscious about Joohyun’s curves wrapped around her, and she pulls away, trying to cool down from the sudden rise in body temperature she was experiencing from being too close to her roommate.
She feels Joohyun pull away as well, although she swears that the latter was doing it as slowly as possible.
Before Seungwan can fully recover, a warm hand holds her own and drags her towards the apartment door. “I hope you haven’t started cooking yet, because we’re eating out, Seungwan. My treat. And a movie too.”
Seungwan blinks, processing Joohyun’s words while she gets pulled outside. The warmth she had felt earlier from the hug comes back in full force.
Seungwan’s stress-induced headache doesn’t come back for the rest of the night, although the same was not to be said about the Joohyun-induced one.
***
Joohyun sees Seungwan in the cafeteria once again, and now she completely understands Seulgi’s happiness towards free cuts.
Instead of taking her usual seat, Joohyun decides to approach the younger girl at the end of the cafeteria, a curious Seulgi trailing behind her.
She feels a sense of déjà vu as she observes Seungwan, who is staring at (more like visually incinerating) her textbook and chewing her food at the same time, just like a month ago.
Joohyun sets her tray down in front of Seungwan and waits. It doesn’t take long for Seungwan to notice her presence and look up, and she gives Joohyun one of the brightest smiles she has ever witnessed. Joohyun's breath unconsciously catches at the sight, and the sarcastic remark she was thinking of saying vanishes into thin air.
Joohyun gets her bearings straight once again as Seungwan focuses her smile on Seulgi, who waves in response. Joohyun makes the necessary introductions, and she and Seulgi finally take a seat across from the brunette.
“You should eat properly, Wan-ah. I don’t think you’re even tasting anything because you’re so busy burning a hole through that damn textbook. Lunch break should also be considered as a study break for you.”
Seungwan chuckles at the motherly remark from the older girl, who narrows her eyes. Seungwan watches Joohyun direct her scary gaze at the book in front of her like it was the most annoying thing on earth, making the former quickly close it and set it aside; the book was expensive and Seungwan doesn’t want to buy a new one.
Seulgi laughs quietly, amused at the exchange between the two girls. “Joohyun’s such a nagger, right?” She remarks, as if Joohyun wasn’t there.
Seungwan smiles at her and nods, ignoring the scathing look the girl in question directs at the two of them. “Yeah, but I like it. I like it when Joohyun-unnie cares,” Seungwan shyly says, pretending to concentrate on eating her lunch. She fails to catch the distinct blush that has now crept up the older girl’s cheeks.
“Say, Wendy,” Seulgi starts. “I heard that Mark asked you out yesterday.”
The younger girl immediately turns red. “Ah…uhmm…h-he did but…” she stutters.
Joohyun looks at Seulgi sharply, and then at Seungwan. Mark asked Seungwan out? Who is this ‘Mark?’
“Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean to pry,” Seulgi says (although she did mean to).
“You…didn’t say yes?” Joohyun asks Seungwan curiously.
“I…umm…no. I have a lot of exams coming up…so…yeah,” Seungwan replies, her right hand scratching the back of her neck nervously. She avoids looking at Joohyun’s eyes.
Joohyun’s eyebrows scrunch up at Seungwan’s response. The latter shouldn’t keep letting her studies overshadow her social life. Bio majors partied and dated too, right? If Seungwan doesn’t let loose once in a while, she will end up caving over from stress, and Joohyun doesn’t want that to happen.
“You should date. Or party. Or something. I…I don’t want you to just focus on things that stress you out,” Joohyun advises her roommate.
Her statement catches Seungwan’s attention, making her look at Joohyun. “You…you want me to date?”
“Or party! Just…relax and spend time with other people. But if…you know, if dating will make you feel relaxed and happy, then go for it!” Joohyun exclaims with a little too much enthusiasm.
Neither of the two girls notice Seulgi smirking in the sidelines, internally laughing at their adorable aloofness.
***
Joohyun is robotically surfing through the channels in the living room's TV, feeling quite bored. It’s a Friday night, and she’s usually partying the stress of school away by now, but recently, she has lost her enthusiasm for such things. She tags it off as becoming more mature, since she is graduating this year.
Rather than craving alcohol, she is now craving ice cream. Knowing that Seungwan is home tonight, she decides to invite her to grab some dessert. As if she conjured her from her mind, Joohyun hears one of the doors behind her open.
“Seungwan, you wanna get some—“ Joohyun begins to say as she turns her head to look at her roommate, but immediately stops talking as her brain does a mental double-take at the sight before her.
Seungwan is wearing a one-shoulder black dress with matching heels, and Joohyun’s mind is stuttering. Joohyun’s eyes trickle down to note how the dress ends mid-thigh, and now she can’t look away from Seungwan’s legs. It’s not like she hasn’t seen Seungwan’s bare legs before, but wow.
“Do I look okay?” Seungwan’s nervous query snaps Joohyun out of her y thoughts. Joohyun opens to say “You look way more than okay,” but something different comes out: “Where are you going?”
Seungwan bites her lip anxiously, feeling like she’s being interrogated by her parents back in Canada. “I…uh…you told me to go on a date, so…”
Joohyun mentally smacks herself. Hard.
“…Right.”
“I’ll be home by midnight, don’t worry, unnie.”
MIDNIGHT?!
“Right. Sure.”
Seungwan fidgets some more, feeling uncomfortable and surprised by Joohyun’s staring and cold words. Thankfully, the doorbell rings and saves her from further scrutiny. She practically runs to the door and opens it.
Joohyun looks on as Seungwan and some guy talk quietly. She cranes her neck, but sadly the door is blocking the guy from view. Until Seungwan opens it wider and lets the guy enter.
“Joohyun-unnie, this is Mark. Mark, this is my roommate, Joohyun-unnie,” Seungwan introduces the two to each other. Joohyun realizes that the guy was the one who had sat down with Seungwan in the cafeteria.
Mark gives Joohyun a ninety-degree bow in greeting, and the latter tries to hold back a snort. She gives him a frigid smile in response, making sure it doesn’t reach her eyes. Joohyun sees him visibly gulp, and she bites back a smirk.
Seeing how scary Joohyun is being, Seungwan grabs Mark’s upper arm, bids her unnie goodbye, and practically drags him out of the apartment before he burns from Joohyun’s stare alone. Seungwan doesn’t notice how Joohyun’s eyes get even stormier when the latter zeroes in on her grip on the boy.
***
Weeks turn into a month. Joohyun has watched Seungwan go on five dates with five different people. Well, not really watched. She was merely there to scrutinize whomever it was from head to toe every time Seungwan introduces them to her, until the younger girl pulls them out of the apartment hastily, forever afraid of Joohyun’s barely suppressed glares.
It was annoying.
Infuriating.
Aggravating.
More so because Seungwan just dated men. Sure, this didn’t mean that Seungwan is 100% straight, but it dampens Joohyun’s already soaked spirits just the same.
Joohyun has hit herself mentally so many times for suggesting the whole dating thing that her psychological self is probably in the hospital. Or dead.
She’s not sure how she was able to concentrate enough on her studies in order to pass all her classes during her last semester. It was a miracle, really.
***
Joohyun is walking towards the apartment, having just come from her graduation dinner with her family and Seungwan.
Seungwan, who is walking beside her. Seungwan, who is wearing a really pretty white dress that’s preventing Joohyun’s eyes from leaving her form for more than a minute.
It’s a really pretty dress. Worn by a really pretty girl.
Joohyun quickly opens the door for the both of them, hardly being able to contain her excitement for tonight. It’s odd, but the excitement she feels for tonight is so much greater than what she had felt during her graduation this morning.
Joohyun's glad that Seungwan has agreed to this. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, but Joohyun had gotten kind of desperate. She doesn’t want this day to end the same way as all the previous days she’s had with the girl beside her.
She walks inside and turns on the lights before plopping down the couch and tugging on her heels. She throws her shoes haphazardly across the room, earning an amused laugh from Seungwan.
Seungwan picks up the scattered pair and deposits them beside the door, along with her own shoes. She then sits beside Joohyun on the couch and places the heavy plastic bag she was carrying on the coffee table. Seungwan fidgets a little, thinking twice about her decision of saying yes for tonight.
Joohyun stretches out on the couch and yawns.
Seungwan sees this as an opportunity. “You’re tired, unnie. Maybe we should—“
“No.”
Seungwan’s mouth snaps shut. Joohyun can be pretty intimidating when she wants to be.
“…Okay. It’s just that…I’ve never really drank Korean alcohol before. …I don’t know my limit, unnie.”
Joohyun smirks, noticing how nervous Seungwan is. Joohyun probably looks like a predator grinning like that, but she doesn’t really care. Seungwan is cute, and she wants to have fun with her. She also realizes that Seungwan may end up dating people who will force her to drink, and Joohyun hopes this will help her roommate know her limits. Joohyun’s smile turns into an annoyed frown as she pictures other people drinking with Seungwan.
“…Unnie?”
Joohyun shakes off the distracting image and focuses on the present. “Don’t worry, Wan-ah. I’ll take care of you if you drink too much. It will also be good for you to know your limits, so you won’t get taken advantage of.”
Seungwan ponders Joohyun’s words for a few seconds before tentatively nodding in response. “Okay.”
Joohyun goes through the bag’s contents and brings out 3 bottles of cold soju. She gets up and takes two cups from the cupboard and brings them back with her to the living room. She opens one of the bottles and pours a shot for each of them, smiling at Seungwan when she hands her one of the cups. “Cheers.”
Seungwan laughs and playfully bumps her cup against Joohyun’s. “Cheers, unnie. And congratulations!”
***
Maybe three bottles were too much. Or was it four? Or five?
Joohyun blearily blinks at the bottles strewn all over the table, trying to count them.
“Joohyun-unnie.”
Joohyun stops at four when she hears Seungwan address her.
“Hmm?”
“You’re reeeeeeally pretty.” Seungwan can’t help but laugh at the dumbfounded expression on Joohyun’s face. “Really. Incredibly. Wait. Not pretty. Beautiful? Gorgeous? Ethereal? What other words are synonymous for beautiful, unnie?”
“Umm…goddess-like?”
“OH! Yes! You are that, too.” Seungwan can’t stop giggling as she stares at Joohyun.
Joohyun doesn’t know what to do. It’s like a weird fuzzy dream where the tables have been turned. Those were usually her own thoughts about Seungwan. Is Seungwan a mind-reader?
“Hmm…what else? Stunning! Yes! Uh…hmm…damn, I need a thesaurus.”
“Seungwan.”
“Yes?”
“What are you…why are you saying this?”
“I…I don’t know. I think I’m drunk. Now I know my limit! How many bottles was it, unnie? Six?”
“…I don’t know. I thought it was four or five.”
“Oh. Well. Then maybe I should stop at three.”
“…Do you…do you tell the truth when you’re drunk?”
“I think so. They say my words become unfiltered. . This is why I didn’t want to drink with you, unnie.”
“…Why?”
“Because…because.”
“What?”
Seungwan opens again, to probably say more unfiltered things, but she clamps a hand over it to stop herself. The younger girl realizes that she’s probably said too much, cursing in her head, and she fumbles around, trying to get up from the couch.
Joohyun’s hands prevent her from doing so: one tugging at her arm to bring her back down, and the other trying to uncover .
“Seungwan. Stay.”
Seungwan stops fighting and blinks her hazy eyes at Joohyun. “I’m not a dog, unnie.”
Joohyun grins. “No. A puppy, maybe. See! Even your pout proves it!”
Seungwan immediately stops pouting like a kicked puppy. She glances at Joohyun’s hand, which apparently hasn’t stopped holding onto her arm. Warmth rushes through Seungwan at the prolonged contact. The heat spikes further as Joohyun brushes her thumb lightly against her skin, drawing circles that makes Seungwan’s hair stand on end.
“U-unnie…”
“Hmm?”
“I…”
Joohyun stops staring at the place where her fingers meet Seungwan’s skin and looks up to watch the girl’s face. She barely holds back a gasp at Seungwan’s darkened eyes. Joohyun can also clearly see where the younger girl’s irises and pupils meet, and this makes her realize how physically close their faces have become.
They’re just a little bit drunk, Joohyun argues with herself. Maybe. And Joohyun’s always been fond of skinship, so the arm-caressing isn't totally unusual. What is surprising is Seungwan’s reaction to it all. Could she be…?
“Joohyun-ah.”
Joohyun’s thighs clench at the unfamiliar term of endearment coming from Seungwan’s lips. It’s not like no one’s ever called her that before. But why does it sound so…hot…coming from Seungwan’s mouth?
“…Say that again.”
Seungwan’s eyes go half-lidded, and her gaze trails from Joohyun’s lips, to her neck, to her collarbone, then back up again. “Joohyun-ah,” she repeats, practically a whisper.
Joohyun holds back a shudder. Oh my God. And then Seungwan leans in, turning a little to the side so is an inch away from Joohyun’s ear. OH my ing God.
“Joohyun-unnie.” Joohyun closes her eyes at the feeling of Seungwan’s hot breath teasing her skin to flames.
“Hyun-ah.” Joohyun bites back a moan. Joohyun realizes that she doesn’t care what Seungwan calls her. Anything will sound like music to her ears.
Joohyun jerks as Seungwan finally does what the latter has wanted to do all night. Seungwan allows her forefinger to lightly trace Joohyun’s inviting collarbone. Back and forth. Endlessly.
Joohyun releases a shuddering breath, her eyes still closed. This is too much. They’re both drunk, but Seungwan is definitely drunker. The younger girl would never be this bold if she was sober.
“Unnie…”
All Joohyun does in response is tighten her fingers on Seungwan’s arm. She doesn’t think she’s capable of coherent speech right now.
“Do you like it…when I go on dates?”
Joohyun’s eyes flutter open in surprise. Her heart thuds harshly, and she’s sure Seungwan can hear it.
Seungwan has been honest this whole time. At least, Joohyun hopes. And so she decides to be honest as well. “No. Don’t. Don’t go on dates. I don’t…”
Seungwan’s finger stops moving against Joohyun’s skin, and Joohyun is sure that she hears Seungwan sigh against her.
Slowly, Seungwan pulls back, and Joohyun almost whines at the loss of warmth.
Joohyun looks at Seungwan’s eyes. They are still darker than normal, and they are shining, practically glittering. Joohyun realizes that she can get lost in those eyes. Get lost in those stars and never want to come back.
Seungwan chews her lip, and this inevitably draws the older girl’s gaze to them.
“We’re…we’re drunk, unnie.”
“…Yeah.”
“We should…we should go to bed.”
“…Okay.”
“Goodnight, unnie.”
“Goodnight, Seungwan.”
***
The morning after is quiet and awkward. At least for Joohyun. Although Seungwan’s tense shoulders and the nervous shifting of her eyes kind of give her away.
Joohyun wants to broach the topic of what they did last night. Not that they really did anything, but…it couldn’t just have been a drunk mishap, right? People were more honest when they were drunk, and Seungwan did mention that she had the reputation of being an honest drunk.
Seungwan is uncomfortably quiet right now, tapping her fingers incessantly on her mug, but is it because she remembers last night? Or is it because she doesn’t?
Joohyun feels like she might implode if she doesn’t get her answer, so she goes for it. “Do you remember what happened last night?”
Seungwan’s fingers stop their tapping. Joohyun carefully observes Seungwan’s face, looking for any signs that can lead her to the truth. All she sees is confusion and wariness.
“I don’t…not really, no. D-did I do something, unnie?” Confusion turns into horror. “Oh God, what did I—?”
“No. You didn’t. It’s…never mind.” Joohyun tries to mask her disappointment. Joohyun is usually thankful, but right now, she hates how she always seems to recall everything she does while she’s inebriated. Joohyun pretends that the voice yelling “But you weren’t even that drunk!” inside her does not exist.
Still. Seungwan may not be aware of what she had done, yet Joohyun holds on to the hope that her roommate must at least feel something for her. Something beyond platonic. Seungwan wouldn’t have…touched her like that if she didn’t. Whispered at her like that. Called her those endearingly y nicknames with that low voice that had kept echoing inside Joohyun’s head the rest of the night, before she had finally drifted off to a restless sleep.
Joohyun wants to know. She wants to pursue this speculation of hers, but she doesn’t know how. As confident as Joohyun was with other women she’s been with, flirted with, and slept with, she feels incredibly unsure of herself with the brunette before her. Not to mention that there’s a mighty chance that Seungwan is straight…or believes she is. Sadly, Joohyun’s gaydar is not completely accurate. They also have about a year left of living together, and Joohyun doesn’t want to cause harm to their relationship in case she ends up being wrong.
It’s not like Joohyun is only fond of Seungwan’s company because the latter cooks for her and helps her with her homework; it’s so much more than that. The younger girl’s caring and almost motherly nature was what drew Joohyun in at first, but now, just the mere thought of spending time with Seungwan makes Joohyun giddy with excitement. She and Seungwan are able to talk about a plethora of things, and Joohyun loves how she never seems to get tired of conversing with Seungwan. Seungwan is intelligent, but her knowledge does not solely focus on academic discourse; Seungwan is also able to crack jokes and sarcastic remarks that are so well-timed, it always takes Joohyun a few seconds to realize that she’s been hit in the face with such wit.
Joohyun can spend days talking about her reasons for crushing on Seungwan, but Joohyun’s biggest downfall to the slippery slope of infatuation would have to be Seungwan’s singing voice.
Seungwan probably doesn’t know that Joohyun has grown attracted to her voice. Joohyun had been on her way to their shared bathroom, when she had heard muffled melodies filtering through the slightly open door of Seungwan’s bedroom. Entranced, Joohyun barely registered pushing the door open wider to alleviate her curiosity.
The singing became louder, and Joohyun had stood and watched as Seungwan passionately sang along to whatever English song was playing on her headphones. The shorter girl was sitting by her desk, studying diligently as always, failing to notice her roommate staring at her in awe.
From then on, whenever Joohyun would pass by Seungwan’s room, she would always strain her ears to check if the latter were singing again. It was kind of creepy, but Joohyun couldn’t help it; Seungwan’s voice was amazing.
“…Unnie? I’m really sorry if I…did something that made you uncomfortable. I don’t know—“
“You didn’t, okay? Nothing happened. Don’t worry about it.” Joohyun thinks that she might scream if Seungwan mentions her drunken amnesia one more time.
Setting aside her discontent, Joohyun is at least relieved that Seungwan hadn’t said that she remembers everything and regards it as a simple drunken mistake.
***
Joohyun has grown restless these past months. She can blame some of her frustrations on work, as being an intern for her father’s company has been quite stressful.
The rest she can blame on her infuriating roommate.
It’s safe to say that Seungwan had been avoiding her ever since the night of Joohyun’s graduation, when they had both drank copious amounts of alcohol and maybe confessed a feeling or two. Joohyun had only realized the gradual loss of contact after three months, since Seungwan had been steering clear of her as subtly as she could.
It’s not like Seungwan’s had a lot of free time before, but the girl locked herself inside her room every time Joohyun was around. Although Seungwan still cooked most of their meals, rarely did she eat with Joohyun anymore. Seungwan always made an excuse about having no appetite yet, and so Joohyun ended up eating at the dining table alone, as Seungwan once again went back inside her room.
Seungwan had also stopped going out on dates; at least, as far as Joohyun knew, since Seungwan had not been going out during the weekends, and neither had she introduced anyone new to Joohyun, which she had always done previously. The lack of dating further roused Joohyun’s suspicions of Seungwan lying to her about not remembering anything that night, since Joohyun clearly remembered stating her apprehension in seeing Seungwan go on dates.
Joohyun knows she should be angry about the lying. She wants to shake Seungwan and demand the truth. But once she does this, what then? Does she finally confess? If she does, what good would that do? Joohyun knows she can’t force a straight girl to bend a little unless she’s willing, and Joohyun knows Seungwan’s clearly having some issues with her ual identity.
Then three months later, Seungwan suddenly pulls a one-eighty on Joohyun and begins to spend time with her again, almost like how they were before. Seungwan barely stays in her room anymore, except when she has to sleep and study. Joohyun doesn’t know what to think about this sudden shift, but she knows it’s confusing as hell.
But as confusing and frustrating as Seungwan may be, Joohyun still can’t help the attraction she feels for her. Joohyun can’t tamp down the fluttering at the pit of her stomach every time she sits next to Seungwan on the couch. Fails to dim down the stupid smile that splits across her face every time Seungwan laughs at her jokes.
Joohyun’s fallen into the stupid rabbit hole called ‘Son Seungwan’ and she doesn’t know how to claw her way out. Doesn’t know if she even wants to.
So, who’s the more screwed up one between us?
***
Joohyun doesn’t know if turning down her father’s invitation to go to Japan for the Christmas holidays should be categorized as one of the best or worse decisions she’s ever made. Perhaps it’s a little bit of both.
After talking to her father on the phone, Joohyun leaves her room and immediately heads to the living room. Seungwan is on the sofa, reading a paperback. Joohyun observes her for a while, the usual Seungwan-induced warmth wrapping around her, along with a tentative feeling of excitement, and her feet instinctively lead her to the source of it all. Joohyun sinks down on the sofa and clings to Seungwan like a koala.
Seungwan’s a little bit taken aback, but she returns the hug with a small smile on her face. “Hi, unnie.”
“You’re not going to Canada for Christmas break, right?” Joohyun murmurs against Seungwan’s shoulder.
“Umm, no. Like I said, I’d prefer to go back there after graduation.” Joohyun feels a little giddy at Seungwan’s referral of Canada as ‘there’ rather than ‘home.’ Does she think Korea, here with Joohyun, is her home now? God, Joohyun hopes so.
Joohyun smiles brightly and hugs Seungwan a little tighter. “Okay.”
Seungwan peers down at her curiously. “Why do you ask, unnie?”
“Nothing. I just…I want to spend Christmas with you.” Seungwan had gone home for the holidays the previous year, so they never got to spend Christmas and New Year’s with each other. Until now.
“I’d…I’d like that too.”
***
This by far, has been the best Christmas holiday Joohyun’s ever had. Sure, Christmas was amazing when she was able to spend it with her family. The mountain of gifts she had received each time were also an icing to the cake. But with Seungwan…being able to spend it with her roommate has just been downright magical.
They’d gone to the mall together, shopping for gifts for their friends and family. Joohyun had also accompanied Seungwan when the latter had mailed wrapped presents for her family back in Canada. They also tried their best to explore the city, as Seungwan never really had the chance to go to South Korea's famous hotspots, all the while eating and drinking in cafés and restaurants that they both haven't been to yet. They went to Lotte World as well, riding all the scary rides and screaming their heads off in terrified delight.
Only a day was not spent together, as they agreed to go their separate ways for one day in order to buy each other’s Christmas presents.
By the time Christmas Eve came, Joohyun and Seungwan were exhausted. Both being casual homebodies, the daily outings took a toll on their stamina. They had both concluded that it was worth it though, as each day spent together made them happier and happier, leaving content smiles on their faces once they immediately conked out every night.
***
After almost a year of thinking about it, Joohyun finally resigns herself to her fate. She doesn’t care if Seungwan doesn’t like her back in that way. The days they’ve spent together this winter further cemented her resolve. She doesn’t need to be in a relationship with Seungwan to be happy.
Friends. They can remain friends. Best friends, even. Are they not already?
Joohyun doesn’t need to feel Seungwan’s lips against hers, although during some nights, it does become difficult for her to remember this. Seungwan’s kisses aren't oxygen. Her hugs though, those come close. And Joohyun doesn’t need to be with Seungwan in order to embrace her. Seungwan doesn’t seem to mind how tightly Joohyun hugs her anyway.
And those hands. Joohyun doesn’t need to be with Seungwan to intertwine their hands together. They do it practically every time they’re next to each other. Joohyun thanks God for the normalcy of skinship in Korea.
So Joohyun accepts it. It’s not the first time she’s been friends with a straight girl she’s secretly infatuated with. Joohyun accepts it and shoves the voices whispering ‘But Seungwan is different’ into the most badly lit corner of her mind. She throws along with it the ones saying ‘How can you stay friends with her when you’re madly in love her?’ as she and Seungwan decorate the Christmas tree they bought together. Flings aside the murmured ‘You’re falling even deeper’ as she hugs and thanks Seungwan for giving her the prettiest leather jacket she’s ever seen. Wearily pushes away the taunted ‘You’re so ing hopeless’ as she gets blinded by Seungwan’s smile when Joohyun gifts her an espresso machine (without forgetting to add how her parents had contributed to funding said present).
Shove, throw, fling, push. Lather, rinse, repeat.
***
Joohyun and Seungwan are sitting on the sofa at their living room, drinking peppermint hot chocolate from their respective mugs, when Seungwan blurts out an “I lied” without preamble.
Joohyun furrows her eyebrows at Seungwan. “About…what?”
“I remember, unnie.”
Joohyun’s heart thumps heavily, in fear and hope. Joohyun swallows, setting down her mug on the coffee table. She doesn’t trust herself to speak, so she waits for Seungwan to continue.
“About that night…when we were drunk.”
“Only you were, Wan-ah.”
Seungwan hears the indirect hint loud and clear. Both her hands tightly grip the warm mug, and she focuses her eyes on the smoke rising from the beverage. “I’m sorry,” she whispers to the drink.
Joohyun notes the sincerity of Seungwan’s apology, and she tamps down the distressing disappointment she once again feels, but Joohyun can’t help but be a little annoyed. Joohyun’s already told herself that she’s willing to accept this platonic standstill. She's come close to believing it, and now Seungwan has to bring it up. After almost a freaking year.
“I was…confused. I didn’t know what I was feeling.”
It’s called the fluidity of your uality, Seungwan.
“I’m sorry I lied. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want you to just be an experiment for me; something novel, something I’m only curious about.”
Well, I’m glad you actually thought about my feelings, at least.
“So I stalled. I lied to stall. To be completely sure before I tell you.”
Seungwan takes a deep breath and slowly puts down her mug as well. Joohyun’s eye twitches as she realizes that the younger girl still seems to be stalling.
Seungwan observes the borderline-distrustful look in Joohyun’s eyes and visibly gulps. Then she opens and begins.
***
Seungwan has always been certain of things. She was certain when she told her parents that she wanted to become a doctor. Firm confidence exuded from her when she added how she wanted to become a doctor in South Korea, and not Canada. Seungwan was incredibly sure she was straight, until her looks of admiration for Joohyun turned into looks showing a desperate kind of longing. When people said girls have girl crushes because they either want to be her or be with her, Seungwan undeniably believed that her choice was the former. But ever since she came to Korea and had been lucky enough to room and become friends with a certain Bae Joohyun, for the first time in her life, Seungwan became uncertain.
Seungwan’s uncertainty led her to make foolish decisions, such as lies and avoidance. She knew that she had hurt Joohyun with her actions. Seungwan hated herself for it, but the uncertainty made way for fear to stab through her. But this fear that had been choking Seungwan dissipated over the last few days, when she was able to spend practically every waking hour with Joohyun. The fear numbed down to nothing every time Joohyun smiled at her. Or even just looked at her, really. When they were able to walk around the entire city, hands inseparable, acting like a happy couple that Seungwan knew they could be. But then, some people’s stares burned through their intertwined hands, and this caused the receding fear to creep back up Seungwan’s chest.
But two days ago, as they lined up inside a café, an older lady sitting at one of the tables had narrowed her eyes derisively at their interlocked fingers, had curled her upper lip in disgust as she observed how Joohyun’s head was practically buried against the crook of Seungwan’s shoulder. Seungwan noticed this, as she had unconsciously seemed to expect judgmental looks from others whenever she’s with Joohyun. Seungwan’s shoulders had tensed in reflex, and she turned her head towards Joohyun, thinking of a way to extract herself from the taller girl. But then she saw Joohyun’s face, saw a soft smile gracing her ethereal features as she looked down at their hands which were interwoven together.
And with that, the clearest thought burst through Seungwan’s mind: ‘So what? So ing what?’
***
Seungwan stops talking as Joohyun softly laughs in response to her latest statement. Seungwan has watched a spectrum of emotions flit through Joohyun’s face while she tried her best to explain her stupidity: from an unreadable look, to doubt, to hope, to joy. Seungwan wants to say more. Tell Joohyun in five-hundred different ways how much she has fallen in love with her, and hopefully Seungwan will end up witnessing five-hundred different smiles from her, too.
Instead, Seungwan opts to inch closer to Joohyun. Hold one of Joohyun’s slender hands against her own. Brush her lips against pale knuckles one by one. Seungwan is rewarded with the same dreamy smile she had witnessed inside the café, two days ago.
Seungwan wants to tell Joohyun how much she loves her in five-hundred different ways. For now, she’ll start with the simplest.
“I love you.”
FIN.
A/N:
Thank you for reading through that mush.
I know the ending was a bit abrupt...but I kind of want to tie up the loose ends in an epilogue...maybe...no promises...hah...this already took me four months to write omg x_x
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