Baekhyun can remember the last time he talked to Chanyeol. It was 3 months and 17 days ago. January 9th of this year. Baekhyun tried not to worry too much about his best friend suddenly falling off the face of the Earth. However, what kind of best friend would he be if he didn’t?

At the start of their freshman year in college, the two made a promise to stay in constant contact with each other, considering the fact that they were attending different colleges on opposite side of South Korea. Baekhyun chose a higher level university in Gangneung (strictly on a full tuition scholarship), the university of his dreams, while Chanyeol stuck with something a bit more mainstream in Gwangju. They understood each other's choices though the separation was harder to get used to than they had expected.

They texted each other every day when they had free time and Skyped as often as possible but not being in physical, close proximity was what hit Baekhyun the hardest. Chanyeol's voice wasn’t the same over the computer. He couldn’t smell the taller's personal aroma that he had grown fond of over the years. Chanyeol couldn’t mess with his hair when they had their famous long silences - just wanting to be in the presence of the other. Worst of all, Baekhyun desperately missed being in Chanyeol's arms. He would pretend to be upset just to get the other to hold him until he felt better.

That was the first time he contacted What if something happened to Chanyeol? What if he was kidnapped or brainwashed or killed?Baekhyun doesn’t know why Chanyeol stopped talking to him all of a sudden. He's even messaged the boy's sister a few times just to make sure he was okay - if she even talked to him that day. The first two weeks Baekhyun went into a silent panic. Yoora. After he calmed down, the next month was filled with anger and the sense of utter betrayal. How could Chanyeol do this to me? Was I not being a good friend to him? No that can't be it. Has he made new friends and just pushed me away? He would never throw four years of an un-Earthly bond into the trash like that. What if…he just doesn’t love me anymore. The second month was depressing. Baekhyun became a bit more anti-social than he initially is, holding his phone in his hand just waiting for that custom text message tone to ring, waiting for that ugly icon of Chanyeol sleeping - but looks like an angel to him - to light up the corner of his screen. He's never coming back. On the last month, Baekhyun stopped checking his phone. He didn’t give up on their relationship, he just didn’t expect a message anymore.

It was the end of April and finals were finishing up all over South Korea and Baekhyun was driving back home for the summer. The night before, Baekhyun had one thought in mind: to visit Chanyeol's house. The taller's university's finals were finished the week before so he should have been home by now, he hoped.

Once he made it home and settle his things in, he excused himself to go for a drive. Baekhyun doesn’t know what to expect once he reaches Chanyeol's house. Probably not slap the other in the face, though he was really urging to get a hit in or two. Maybe Chanyeol will be the one that yells and curses at him for even coming to his house. What's happened to us?

Baekhyun pulled into the familiar driveway, he took a deep breath and got out of the car. Making his way up the steps and to the front door, he quickly knocked before he had to chance to rethink the situation. A few moments later - which felt like an eternity to Baekhyun - Yoora opened the door, a smile on her face. "Oh my goodness, Baekhyun! It's been so long." She pulled him into a hug before leading him inside. "Why didn’t you call I would've made you something to eat or cleaned up a little around here." Baekhyun felt happier than he had in months, not that happy though.

If "It's fine Yoora. This was actually a last minute planned visit." Yoora was here then Chanyeol must have just recently come home, "Is Chanyeol home?"

"Do you really have to ask? You usually just walk up to his room whether he's here or not…is something wrong?" She was always a quick study.

"No, no everything is fine. It's just been a long time you know. I've gotten more polite in the last year." He joked.

Yoora laughed, "Alright. Well, he went out for a little bit but he should be back in a few minutes."

Baekhyun nodded and proceeded to go through the living room, down the hall, and to Chanyeol's room. The door was cracked open. Why do I feel like an intruder? Baekhyun paused before slowly pushing the door open. He exhaled the breath he didn’t know he had been holding in. The room was just the same, just extremely cleaner than the last time he was here.

There were a few suitcases and boxes against the wall. Baekhyun closed his eyes and inhaled that heartwarming scent he had forgotten about, that he missed so much. He sat down on the bed and thought of all the times they shared just in this one room. The movie nights, falling asleep to Chanyeol's guitar and piano playing, late-night studying, and Chanyeol wrestling Baekhyun away from the closet because he'd always stashed a supply of hidden snacks in there. Baekhyun put a hand on Chanyeol's pillow, I miss you.

Time was completely irrelevant the moment Baekhyun into the room, didn't know how long he had sat in that one spot, reminiscing on the old times. Should I even refer to them as "old"?

Before Baekhyun could contemplate the state of his and Chanyeol's relationship again, the sound of the front door and a familiar, booming voice caught his attention. Chanyeol. Baekhyun straightened up as he heard heavy footsteps draw closer to the bedroom. Should I be on his bed? What if he thinks it's rude and starts yelling at me? That is not how I want to start this. Baekhyun shot up from the bed just as the door opened, revealing someone he feels that he used to know.

Chanyeol, who was obviously wearing his signature grin before making his entrance, faltered upon seeing his best friend. "Baekhyun…"

They sat in silence for a moment. Baekhyun, after months of contemplating on what he was going to say to his bastard of a best friend, was at a loss for words. His mind went blank at the sight of his best friend - or should he even be calling him that still? Chanyeol was beginning to display confusion due to the awkward silence. He had to say something. Think Baekhyun. What did you come here for?

"Answers," Baekhyun whispered, the words taking most of the oxygen out of his lungs. Why was it so hard to talk to this boy now?

Chanyeol's eyebrows furrowed, "What?"

"Answer me. Reply to me." Baekhyun spoke up, his nervous and dumbfounded demeanor fading, "I waited for months, Chanyeol. Three. Months. Not a single reply or apology or explanation." He started to walk closer to the latter.

"Baekhyun-"

"What happened to you? Where did you go? Why did I lose you for so long? Did I do something to upset you? Or is this some sick joke you decided to play on me?" Just a foot apart.

"Baek-"

"Well, I'm not laughing!" A few inches.

"Byun Baekhyun!" Chanyeol raised his voice, but not too loud for he did not want to draw the attention of anyone outside the room. The other became hushed, surprised at the tall boy's sudden shout. "You have to leave."

Baekhyun straightened up, putting on a brave face and stance, "No." He whispered lowly but audible enough, "You will talk to me. You are going to tell me why the hell you've left me in the dark for so long - so abruptly. I deserve an explanation… or does four years of friendship mean absolutely nothing to you." He wouldn't break their eye contact. Baekhyun refused to let this break him any longer. Chanyeol staring him dead in his face and asking him to leave - running away from him again - was the last straw.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, let his head drop, "You're right. It doesn't mean anything to me." His voice faded slightly.

Baekhyun almost cracked a smile, "You're lying." Then he got upset. "Why are you lying to me. You can't look me in my eyes and you're struggling to not get quiet on me. If you thought a few months apart would make my knowledge of you fade away, you're wrong."

I have to do this. Chanyeol lifted his head, the almost nonexistence of emotion in his eyes made Baekhyun waver a bit. "You're the one that's wrong. Do you really want to know what's been up with me the last three months? It's all because of you…I don’t need you anymore."

And just like that, Baekhyun's stance was shot, he started to crumble, "W-what?"

Chanyeol lessened the gap between them even more, eyes locked on Baekhyun's, "I don’t need you. I realized that my life would be so much easier without you. Smarty-pants Baek always there to make me feel like I was stupid - or stupider at that."

"I never-"

"Not to mention how suffocating you can be. Even with hundreds of miles between us you've managed to stay breathing down my neck."

"You don't mean-"

"Oh but I do mean this. I mean all of it. You're an insufferable brat that I want nothing to do with. Just looking at your pathetic face right now sickens me." That's it.

Baekhyun broke. Chanyeol's final words shattered him; they were laced with so much rage it tore right through him. His best friend…was gone.

Chanyeol move past Baekhyun a few feet, "Now get out of my house."

Baekhyun out. He doesn’t know what got him to move his legs out of the room, past Yoora, her constant calls out to him, and an unfamiliar female. He doesn't know how he was able to drive himself back home and walk to his room. He does know that the weight of Chanyeol's words final crushed him when he fell onto his bed, curled up into a ball and silently cried out his heartbreak into his pillow.

He's gone. He's actually gone. Deep down I knew there was a small probability that our relationship would fall apart…but I didn’t know it would be so soon - that it would happen so quickly. I wasn't ready for this. I'm not ready to let him go…I don’t…want to let you go…

…I love you, you idiot…

That night, at dinner, Baekhyun's father came to a realization, "Son, where is Chanyeol? Have you talked to him, lately?"

His mother chimed in, "That's right. I expected him to be eating dinner with us tonight. Is he busy, Baekhyun?"

Baekhyun didn't look up, "He's dead to me."

The first month of summer break was dull. Baekhyun barely left the house, not wanting to run into Chanyeol. It is a small town after all. The only time he would see the light of day and breath fresh air was when his parents forced him to.

Like this evening. Baekhyun's mother had asked him to go to the store for some basic items: eggs, laundry detergent, and a can of air freshener.

"Your father and I are going out tonight. Do you want to come with us? It's seafood." His mother sang, "Your favorite."

Baekhyun gave his mother a smile, "No, I'm good. Could you bring me back some shrimp and crabs if you can?" He zipped up his hoodie and grabbed his keys.

"Of course. See you later tonight."

She was at his house before…with . On his way to the freezers, Baekhyun halted in his tracks. He gripped the small grocery carrier in his hand as he watched the couple down the aisle trying to decide on the type of brownie mix they wanted to purchase. Chanyeol, with his arms around some women. Okay. I got the detergent and the air freshener. Now I just need the eggsYoora. Of course, Chanyeol got himself a girlfriend while he was at college. Typical. But why am I still standing here? Should I just walk the other way and hurry out of here? Or…do I want him to see me? It was too late - almost. The moment Chanyeol turned his head in Baekhyun direction, the other had just turned in the other direction. Perfect. Chanyeol had caught a clear glimpse of him, but Baekhyun knew he wasn’t about to follow him or leave the store at the same time. Baekhyun got his eggs and checked out.

Baekhyun put the items in their perspective places in the house and decided to put on a movie. Toy Story. As Baekhyun sat and watched the movie, he thought to himself. I'm…not sad. I just saw Chanyeol. And he saw me. But I didn’t cry, or throw a fit, or hit him. I just…walked out. Baekhyun felt a little proud of himself. For a month he played many different scenarios pertaining to his and Chanyeol's eminent encounter. How it might be awkward, how he might throw something at his face, or how he might cry to him, begging him to be his friend again. I can live without him…

The ringing of his doorbell interrupted Baekhyun's thoughts. It's not mom and dad - it's only eight. Baekhyun walked to the door. Just as his hand reached the doorknob, he heard…sniffling? He cracked the door open, only showing half of his face, expecting some lost child to be at his door or something. However, it was Chanyeol. Close enough.

Baekhyun was surprised, but not shocked. He didn't say a word or show the slightest expression. He just stared into the latter's puffy, pathetic eyes; and Chanyeol stared right back. They stood there for at least a minute before Baekhyun's detached expression was about to crumble.

This is annoying. "Are you going to say something or did you just come here to look at me." Whatever he has to say, it's not going to change anything.

Chanyeol was taken back by the sharp tone in Baekhyun's voice. He recovered himself so he could say what he came to say. But before he could speak, his eyes dropped to the floor. "You're not suffocating." He whispered, "You don’t make me feel stupid. You're not insufferable, and you're definitely not pathetic, Baekhyun." Chanyeol crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself, holding back the pain. "Ever since that day, I couldn't stop thinking about what I said to you. How…broken you looked when I said it. I know I wasn’t showing it, but I was hurting too."

Lies…

"I'm not lying to you. Not this time. I know what I said was hurtful, but, please believe me when I say I didn’t mean any of it." He looked up, tears threatening to break their barrier and fall. "And I'm not just forcing these emotions to get your sympathy or trick you into forgiving me or whatever you're thinking."

Chanyeol took a step closer, but Baekhyun retreated, gripping the doorknob wanting to shut it in the big idiot's face. Baekhyun was starting to feel angry. The more Chanyeol spoke, the sorrier he looked, the more Baekhyun wanted to throw his feelings right back at him. Bastard…why couldn’t you just leave me alone like you told me to do?

When Baekhyun took a step back, Chanyeol dropped his arms, but not their gaze. "Baekhyun…I'm sorry."

No…

"I'm sorry for not talking to you."

No no no…

"I'm sorry for three months of shutting you out of my life."

Please stop…

"I'm sorry for saying those hurtful words to you and telling you that our friendship doesn’t matter to me - that you don’t matter to me. You do matter and I-I need you in my life."

Baekhyun felt his eyes burning, his body wanted to cry out the frustration he was feeling at the moment, but he wouldn’t let it. I'm not gonna shed another tear over him…this isn't right…something's not right. Baekhyun began to search the latter's tear filled eyes. He's apologizing for everything he's done to me, but he's holding something back. "Why did you come here, Chanyeol?"

Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows, "W-what do you-"

"Why did you really come here?" Baekhyun's grip on the doorknob tightened - not because he was getting angrier, but because he was trying so hard not to lose his composure. "You've apologized, you've cried your little heart out - obviously. But you haven't said your peace. As much as I hate it right now I can still read you just as easily as ever. What did you come here to tell me, Chanyeol? What's been making you act like this for so long?"

Chanyeol chuckled, "You're right. As always." He straightened up, "There is a reason why I did all of this. After four years of being your best friend-"

Hearing Chanyeol call him that made Baekhyun slightly cringe. Some best friend you turned out to be…

"-and after about two years of keeping certain thoughts at bay-"

Certain thoughts?

"-a few days before graduation…I realized that…"

Oh my god. Baekhyun noticed Chanyeol's visible struggle to get his words out; he tried to cut him off before he could reveal his truth, but he was too late, "Chan-"

"I was in love with you." Chanyeol's newly determined stance had not faltered, but Baekhyun's impassive one had become flustered and shocked all at once. He lost his grip on the doorknob. "I still am. And like an idiot, over the summer and the entire first year, I tried to get over you. I savored every moment we spent together until college, hoping that the distance would help. But, of course, it didn’t."

Taking advantage of Baekhyun's baffled state, Chanyeol inched closer and closer ever so slightly, careful not to break their gaze, "And like an even bigger idiot, I got desperate. I felt…confused. Like whenever we'd Skype or call or text, my heart would get so warm and fluttery even. But at night or at random times when we weren't in constant contact, it felt like someone was crushing it with their bare hands. I got sick of that feeling and wanted to get rid of it."

They were only a few inches apart. "That's when I did it. I cut you out of my life and tried to fill the void with someone else."

He held the other's face, brushing away the tears that eventually fell. "I guess I was punished for it because it only made me feel worse. After a month…I thought I had already past the point of no return. I was too afraid to see how much I had hurt you - too afraid to see the mess I had made."

Tears brimmed his eyes again. "When I saw you last month…I saw what I had done, but…I still couldn’t tell you the truth. I couldn’t tell you how I felt. For whatever reason, I thought to throw our friendship away based on the lie I created instead of the truth was a better way of handling it. I felt like I was in too deep to reveal myself then. But I after all of that…I was miserable all over again."

They fell and Chanyeol's entire body shook, "I tried to hide it from my family, but it hurt so I much sometimes I'd spend the entire day inside my room, wondering what would have happened if I wasn’t such a coward."

Then he hugged him. "I'm sorry for being such an idiot. I'm sorry for hurting you like I did." He whispered to him, "I love you, Baekhyun. I don’t want to be afraid anymore; I don’t want to hurt you anymore."

Baekhyun didn’t move, he just let the latter cry out his feelings to him. This is what he wanted, this is the truth that he had been waiting so long for. Seeing how much pain Chanyeol put himself through almost made Baekhyun want to forgive him for everything he had done. Almost. "Chanyeol…" He moved back so they would see each other, "Do you expect me to forgive you?"

Chanyeol looked lost, "I-"

"Did you expect me to accept you with open arms after everything you put me through, you selfish bastard."

"Baekhyun, I-"

"Have you forgotten how well I can hold a grudge." Baekhyun let a small smirk slip on his face. He tried to hide it but Chanyeol caught it.

The latter let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding in and smiled as the other hit on the head.

"Idiot."