He sees black but it doesn’t scare him. Not at all. He recognizes the place so well. The distinct smell of summer breeze, white bed with pristine sheet covering the top of it, the white spotless curtains across the bed with wind howling from outside blowing the curtains in pattern.

He meets him again today. This time he dressed in his usual tee shirt, black short pants and the pair of his favorite red stripes socks. Hanbin remembers how he was really picky and rebellious when Donghyuk accidentally put up wrong a detergent on it until the bright color of the socks turn dull. The memories chuck him up for laughter, it’s like it just happened yesterday in his mind.

Only for yesterday to be buried in dirt, no more flashing across as time has long been in circle and the suffering begins.

“Chanwoo-yah…” He calls for him, wanting to get closer for a touch, to even have a slight feel of warm from the younger to ease his cold heart. But the more he reaches out, the farther Chanwoo’s hands go. Voluntary by the owner or not is not Hanbin’s concern he thoughts. He is too lazy and tired to feed up more negativity inside his messed up mind. In the end, he just sits still watching the handsome young man staring at him with his usual boyish and endearing smile.

Chanwoo has no words uttered from his pink plush lips. He just stares back at Hanbin with his dazzling smile and innocent face. The sight will linger forever in Hanbin’s mind and he is willing to do anything to keep the time frozen this way. Just to keep looking at the face of his beloved maknae.

“Hyung.” Finally, Chanwoo speaks. His voice is like the breeze of autumn night, melancholic yet strong, whispers alike the howl of the wind but the older could hear him. Hanbin’s heart beats a mile although he has no idea whether is it because of the excitement or something else. Chanwoo calls for him again, smile hasn’t disappeared from his handsome face and Hanbin has no idea whether he can ever divert his eyes off from such beautiful being. He is too absorbed on admiring the younger’s beauty that he pays no heed to whatever Chanwoo is talking about.

“Hyung, it’s time to go now.” But he heard this one just right. As clear as the thunder in the nightfall when it is raining heavily. As clear as storm of the day and pinching him in his skin like no other. But he refuses to let it sink, to let the words come inside his head.

“Hanbin hyung.” Chanwoo’s call this time doesn’t have the usual welcome feeling to it. It’s more like saying goodbye, something that Hanbin hates the most in the past few months of his hectic life. He despises it yet Chanwoo is using it, saying goodbye to him. However, the warm in his voice still lingers, for that Hanbin is grateful. He orders for his brain not to pick up more of the younger’s words but of course, his brain is as stubborn as his soul, as he hears what the maknae says to him with his dazzling smile that could make Hanbin died as a happy man.

“Aren’t you waking up now, hyung?”

And the light goes up.

Here he is again. Disheveled and distorted. Messy and broken, inside his room nonetheless. The memories from last night are vivid inside his mind but not hazy for him unable to recall. He remembers where he was yesterday, what he did, what everyone did, what happened and boy, how he hates the cycle goes over and over again.

For months. 8 months 2 weeks and 4 days in total. He hates how he can remember them. Screw Donghyuk for always having the counting to all of them. Screw June too for no longer punching the former in the face anymore whenever he says that stupid countdown he has to the members. Screw absolutely screwed Yunhyeong for stopping the younger from getting violent and putting him down in ease.

Screw everyone he thoughts. Screw Jinhwan who’s keeping his calm stance when Hanbin could hear his sobs and hiccups every single night inside the bathroom, sometimes in Yunhyeong’s room. Screw Jiwon for being the silent, patient and religious man he is by praying day and night. Although Hanbin thoughts that is good enough rather than him downing himself down in alcohol, like him. Yeah, he forgot. Screw himself for being an idiot, a weakling, a fool, a man who his job is screaming and crying and blaming every single thing around him. Screw himself for throwing his anger around the members at day and crying a mess on his bed at night.

Screw Chanwoo too, for that boy is only sleeping. For 8 months 2 weeks and 4 days in total.

“.” He meant to curse inwardly but it comes out in the end.

“You need to eat something.” Yunhyeong is more like ordering around rather than asking. Hanbin always remember the guy as annoying yet kind but nowadays he is too tense. Yet he is still kind, and he is still around, not distancing himself from everyone. Unlike Bobby and June who both of them are literally living in their own world. Hanbin sometimes wonders if those two are still alive or not.

“Hanbin-ah, eat it. Your stomach has been empty since yesterday morning. Eat it up.” Yunhyeong pushes the plate of simple fried rice kimchi to him. But Hanbin is not hungry, damn he even forgot how hunger feels like. But he knows it better not to pick a fight with a tired, swollen face and big eye bags Yunhyeong hyung in the early morning thus he picks up the spoon and feeds himself. He sees a small smile forming at the corner of Yunhyeong’s lips before the older get back to whatever chores he has in the kitchen.

“How’s Donghyukkie?” Hanbin asks. Finally having the urge to talk. Well, it isn’t like he is always passive and dormant like Jiwon and June. Whenever it comes about the members, he still cares despite all the things happening.

“He’s alright. His fever has come down this morning. But his body is still weak. I’ll go and check on him later.” Yunhyeong answers with