Date Completed: 15th September 2017

Song Recommendation:  J-Min – Alive

Minor Pairings: -

Hi, I'm a writer who's having a huge writer's block right now. This is a bit different from my usual style, so I'll give a little synopsis.

In this story, Joohyun is at a book event and she's reading a few excerpts from the selected chapters in her book. The bolded parts are the titles for the chapters. The story might be a bit jumpy but it's on purpose and I hope you'll still understand it nonetheless. Do let me know what you think about it in the comments, that will be very much appreciated :)

Foreword

Don’t cry. Do not cry.

That’s the thought that came to mind over and over again when I first wrote this book. But of course, every now and then, I caved in and wept silently in dark nights when there was no one else around and the only sound I could hear was of my fingers tapping the keyboard, trying to pen down our story. In some bad nights, I would even have breakdowns – throwing my laptop to the side and became so angry and frustrated with the world, I could barely breathe. But somehow I always found my way back to my lonely word document again.

I had to do it. I don’t want to forget anything.

I don’t want to forget her.

Whenever I got reminded of another memory, even something as mundane as arguing over the difference of butter and margarine, I would quickly write it down in my notebook. Remembering those were painful but forgetting her would be even worse. I didn’t write down everything in this book, of course. I doubt many would want to know about how once in a while, I missed the soft voice reminding me to buy a new pack of batteries for our TV’s remote control or how I got scolded whenever I forgot to load the dishes to the dishwasher.

Instead I wrote of our backgrounds, our history and the significant moments in our lives. I guess that would suffice for this book? I’m not too sure, but if you’re reading this, I guess someone is interested enough to know about our story. I thank you for your interest, but we’re just another two people in love in this world. There would not be nothing much that differ us from anyone else in the world.

Except that I lost her far too soon.

Bae Joohyun (Me)

The editor told me I could start writing with the easiest part first, in order to coax me into writing this book and so I started with this, my own story. I guess he was satisfied since he asked me if I could write more and then we could discuss how to tie them in together. I just agreed because writing brought me back to the times when everything was better, so I set myself up and wrote.

Before there was us, before Wendy Son Seungwan, there was only me all by myself. I could tell you of the story about my early childhood in Daegu when I spent my days helping my parents in their restaurant and arguing with my little sister about everything and nothing at all. Or, I could skip to the highlight of my life story pre-us.

When I was 19, a few weeks after graduating from high school, I came out to my parents.

I wasn’t stupid. I had guessed what their reaction would be and I thought I was mostly prepared for it, thus my carefully planned timing. As expected, I was soon out on the streets. They had tried reasoning with me initially, like other parents who were against their children being gay at first. I was told that it was just a phase that I would get over and when I stood by my words, they eventually got agitated.

Who was it? Who was the one who turned their shy, sweet and beautiful older daughter into a disgusting sinner? Who could they blame? They wanted a name so badly so I had no choice but to give them one.

Answer: It was Bae Joohyun. It was myself. I didn’t choose this feelings but it’s already there within me, I couldn’t deny it. It wasn’t for the lack of trying too, considering all the years I struggled to keep my eyes away from attractive women that caught my sight and tried dating the always too eager men. If I could change myself, I would have done it but I can’t. It took me many years and many tears before I came to peace with my own uality.

They could kick me out, I couldn’t care any less. I had already been accepted into my dream college with a full scholarship and whatever the scholarship couldn’t provide, I would cover them with my part-time job.

That was exactly what I did. It wasn’t easy to juggle between maintaining my grades so that I could keep my scholarship and working on various part-time jobs so that I could scrape some money for meals and to save up after I was done with college. I pulled through anyway, because it was either that or being dead on the streets. I chose to survive, and years later, I still chose to survive. If you’re reading this, I think you would understand.

While all of these were happening, I knew my parents were just watching, waiting for the day I would crumble and came back crying to them, acknowledging my fault and they could start curing me. These thoughts somehow always revitalized me, since I knew failing was not an option – I wasn’t sick and I wasn’t broken. I was just a girl who would eventually fall in love with another girl.

I’m sorry…do I bore you? Are you perhaps here because you’re expecting a full biography of Wendy? If the title hasn’t told you yet, this is our story, and for ‘us’ to exist, there need to me, and her. So this is the story of one half of us, which is me.

Probably some of you wondered why I chose to talk about my own uality to begin the story. It was extremely essential. That was the bigger part of why, currently, I’m typing away my story in Canada instead of in my home country, South Korea. I bet this book would be sold in Korea too. I would probably laugh in tears as they translated our story, eager to know how the tragic love between two women unfolded although they were the ones who chased us out.

‘See, this is why two women shouldn’t be together,’ they would say while others nod in approval.

I’m sorry that you haven’t felt a love like ours, in which you would be willing to sacrifice everything just to get to hold the person you love in your arms. I really am sorry.

Wendy Son Seungwan (Her)

All of you reading this know who Wendy Son was. She was Kang Seulgi’s partner, one half of the most successful duo in Korea, PineOrange. You knew about the awards she had bagged, her bright persona, her kindness and politeness and so many people adored her (I think there were more who loved her before she was outed as a gay, but that was not a point).

You saw her cheesy self, her awkward self, how she took care of everyone around her so well until she sometimes forgot to take care of herself...Are you wondering now what’s the difference between TV Wendy and Son Seungwan?

Almost none.

She was kind to the point of frustration. She was loving with all her heart. She was patient like a mother, and quick to protect like a father. She was a daughter, a lover, a best friend, an inspiration and many more – she was to you what you would want her to be.

If I have to point out the most obvious difference was how nervous she got before doing her shows or going on stage, but she never let that show. She would go out there and exhaust herself by giving it her best, and she would still feel it was not good enough.

That was the her that she presented and who people got to see. I see her as that, and so much more.

Some days she would get cranky too, like any other normal people but her thoughts would always be quicker than her actions. She had gotten angry a few times too, she was not an angel. Some days she lied, some days she made excuses. She was a normal human like every single one of us is, and she tried her best to be kind every day.

Her insecurities and her imperfections that she tried so hard to cover, I loved them all.

I used to wake up earlier than her sometimes (not always, since she was an early riser) and watched how she would slowly rise as Canada’s morning sun rays crept on her face slowly. She would try to open her eyes slowly and looked at me with sleepy eyes before muttering her morning wishes and tried to pull a blanket over her face, still being embarrassed even after we had been together for years.

I got to watch Son Seungwan that would concentrate so much on making a shopping list, she would tune out everything else in the world. I had never eaten so healthy in my life like when I was under her care. She would be so careful in planning our diets and jotting down the ingredients she needed on the shopping list, she ended up memorising the list after all. I did not understand the necessity of making one but she liked being that organised.

I still found some shopping lists she absentmindedly placed everywhere around the house even long after she left. Some were in between the couches, some fell in the small spaces between furniture and I had even found one on top of our kitchen cabinet once. She was not gifted in the height department, so how did it even get there in the first place?

It felt like little gifts from her to me. She was the last person to touch the lists and I still got unexpected surprises like this, as if she personally prepared them to see my reaction the way she used to.

I miss Wendy Son Seungwan so much it hurts.

How We Met (Spoiler: It Was at A Club)

I wasn’t interested much in the idol scene. In fact, I thought the description ‘animal kingdom’ aptly described the whole scene well. Ironically, working as an event planner for a big company, I could not run away from it. In my short working career in Korea, I had had to be involved in album launches, wedding celebrations, special occasion events and so much more.

I had met a lot of idols during my years of working and I never entertained any of their approach; not before I met Wendy. The first time we met, I understood the concept of ‘Koi No Yokan’ all too well as I locked gaze with her from across a club.

From the first moment I met her, I knew I was going to fall in love with her. We could go through distance, rejections, heartbreaks, tears and time but in the end, there would be me and her.

Helplessly in love.

I guess what was meant to be will be. I was not even supposed to be in the club during PineOrange’s album launch but my best friend, Park Sooyoung forced me to go because then she would have an excuse to be there as well. As the person planning it, I could be there to supervise how the event went but I usually asked one of my colleagues to cover the task for me and they would gladly accept. That time, because of Sooyoung’s adamant request, I relented and supervised the event myself.

While I was busy taking notes in my phone on the things that could be improved, I felt Sooyoung tuggin