Date Completed: 26th December 2018

Song Recommendation: Eric Nam - I Don't Miss You (English Version) & Eric Nam - Miss You (Korean Version)

Minor Pairings: TaengSic, SaeRi (if you squint hard enough)

Not proofread yet.

Here's a story with barely a plot, based on Eric Nam's song(s). It all started because I recommended Jamie this song and to my shock (and delight), the songs have different meanings in both languages. Thus the idea for a fic was born.

*Lyrics on the left side is from the English version, the one on the right is the translated Korean lyrics.

 

"So are you not coming home for Christmas? Mom will nag at me again, Katy."

 

"Stop calling me Katy, I'm Yerim!"

 

Her younger sister's high-pitched voice quickly retorted and Irene winced when she heard a shriek and laughter followed soon after from Yerim’s end of the line. She sure seemed like she was having a lot of fun.

 

"Are you with Saeron again?"

 

"Yeah, we're getting ice-cream!"

 

"What...? Isn't it like 10°C there right now? Aren't you cold?"

 

"Unnie please," Irene winced again, for a different reason this time. "10°C is like, our summer."

 

"Don't exaggerate. You've been in Korea for close to 3 years now, how would you still remember how's the summer here in Canada?"

 

"Hey, I lived there for 18 years before I come down here, I still have memories of that place. You act like I left the place 50 years ago."

 

It felt like it, Irene wanted to say but she held her tongue.

 

There was a sound of the phone being shuffled in Yerim’s hold and Irene waited when she heard Yerim speaking in Korean to someone. She sounded so confident and sure of herself, it made Irene wonder when did her sister grow up so much. When she heard Yerim's voice again, her sister sounded a lot more serious.

 

"Anyway, I heard Taeyeon unnie is in the States right now. She might go home for Christmas so... Just give mom a head's up okay? Or call her first to confirm. She didn't exactly answer me directly when I asked her if she's going home."

 

"You call Erica, Taeyeon now?"

 

There was another urgent matter she had to attend to but Irene could not help but to let that be her first question. She should be concerned that her estranged older sister was coming home that would surely result in a row somehow with their father but right now, the change in her younger sister was what occupied her most.

 

She gripped her phone tighter, as if it could make her reach out for Yerim. She wanted her goofy, carefree and laughing younger sister back.

 

Not a stranger that called her 'unnie' and spoke in a language that felt so familiar yet so peculiar for her.

 

She wanted Katy, not Yerim.

 

Yerim's voice was softer when she replied to Irene this time. "Yes, unnie. She visited me a few times here, you know? She already knew how to speak conversational Korean the first time she came to visit, so I suppose it wasn't her first time here."

 

There was a pause. "I guess we just want to find where we belong, somehow or rather. Her even more so than me."

 

"You're my sister. My sisters, both of you. You belong here with me."

 

Irene's words spilled before she could contain them and she wished she could take it back, hoped that she could have hidden the insecurity and uncertainty lacing her words but she knew Yerim heard it all. To her credit, she did not mention it at all.

 

"We'll come back to you, I promise. Also, you might want to talk to Seungwan unnie. You guys are still in good terms. right?"

 

"Wendy. I haven’t contacted her in a while, but yeah, we’re cool." Irene hurriedly corrected, not wanting to relearn someone that was no longer hers to learn. Her grip on the phone was tighter now and her knuckles were slowly turning white. Why would Yerim bring up the name now?

 

"Yeah, Wendy." Yerim said diplomatically. "Dad loves Wendy, so maybe you should invite her for dinner or something when Taeyeon unnie comes back. I doubt he'll chase her out of the house again, then. But if you don't want to, it's okay. Your call. Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to."

 

Irene managed to squeak a little, "I'll think about it." before she ended the call with Yerim and crashed back to her bed and rolled around the king-sized space.

 

She let out a heavy sigh, so many things were weighing down her mind.

 

There was her younger sister, who was at the other side of the world under the excuse of pursuing her studies. But the whole family knew that Katy, no, Yerim had been quietly struggling with her identity, in a way Irene’s older sister had been.

 

The three sisters - Erica, Irene and Katy - were never taught on how to speak Korean. It did not matter much since both of their parents barely knew how too, as well. They migrated to Canada when they were really young and the sisters, being the third generation of diasporic Korean community in Canada, didn't know a speck of Korean aside from the usual greeting (Annyekaseyo? That was how people said it right? Irene could not be too sure) and their own names.

 

Erica, or Taeyeon - was the first one to break down. She rebelled against taking over the family business that she had been groomed to do. Instead, she picked up a camera and travelled the world, only the sparse postcards addressed to Irene in between the years would let them family knew she was still alive before Internet became a more reliable tool. She dropped by the country every once in a while, but rarely went home, opting to meet Irene, Yerim or their mother away from home instead.

 

It was not a peaceful parting. Taeyeon had suffered quietly over many years as she silently endured studying in a course she did not like, mingling with people she learned to hate and only found solace in her hobby then, photography. When their father demanded for her to focus on her studies instead of 'wasting time on taking stupid pictures', her patience snapped and Irene faintly remembered the huge screaming match between the two of them before her sister packed up and left.

 

Irene would later learn through many phone calls with the older woman on how much she hated the business world, and how she felt like she was being looked down upon just because she was a woman, and from a different ethnicity from everyone else.

 

Irene could not understand the sentiment much, since she assimilated fairly well but then again, she was not the one being groomed to be her father's successor so she did not say much on the matter .

 

It was Yerim who left the house next.

 

She was the next one in line for their business throne and unlike Taeyeon, she was more accepting of her future task. She was brighter, more stubborn and resolute in her decisions; she had all the characteristics becoming of a future CEO and she took the responsibility seriously.

 

However, just like Taeyeon, she also seemed to be at loss about something at times. She talked to Irene about finding herself, finding who she truly was and just like Taeyeon, she woke up one day announcing that she was going to leave.

 

But unlike Taeyeon, she had a goal and she promised to come back, so their parents let her go easily.

 

Then there was Irene. A model who was contented with whatever she had, or used to have.

 

She shifted uncomfortably in her bed as she thought of how stagnant her life felt in comparison to her older sister, the adventurer and her younger sister, the risk taker.

 

The only thing that felt remotely interesting in her life was Wendy, but she no longer had her.

 

She missed Erica.

 

She missed Katy.

 

She was not sure if she missed Wendy.

 

Then she fell asleep.

 

*

It took three rings before Irene heard a raspy voice at the other end of the line. “Hyun?”

 

A myriad of emotions washed over Irene then at the affectionate nickname she had not heard for a while, but she took a deep breath through and breathed out slowly as she returned the greeting.

 

“Hello, Wendy. Hope I’m not calling at a bad time.”

 

“Ah, actually I just fell asleep, but it’s fine. What’s up?” Irene frowned at the reply and glanced at her customized purple Cartier watch. 9.30AM. Wendy must had stayed up through the night again, working on something. As if the woman could read Irene’s mind even if they were at different sides of the city, she hurriedly offered an explanation.

 

“My new single is coming out soon and we just finished filming the music video. My schedule should get a lot less hectic after this.”

 

“Until your next single.”

 

“Until my next single, correct.”

 

Irene heard Wendy hummed and noticed how tired her voice was. She tried her best to sound fine while speaking, but she could not hide it when she put her guard down. Irene hated how workaholic the woman was, but she knew there was nothing she could say that would stop Wendy. Not now. She let out a sigh.

 

“Maybe I should let you sleep and call back later at a more convenient time.”

 

“No, it’s really alright. I’ve already muted my phone, but your number is on priority list for a reason. Go ahead, Hyun. Is there anything wrong? You don’t really call me unless it’s important.”

 

Irene hesitated then. She was normally confident – that was the main thing in her line of job after all. Models could not be shy. But this was a new territory she had not explored all her life, so she wanted to be careful, to say the right thing and not chase Wendy away.

 

“Hyun?”

 

“Urm, Wannie, how do you feel about having dinner at my family’s house during Christmas Eve? You can spend the night there too, they have a lot of empty rooms…but you already know that.”

 

There was a sharp intake of breath from Wendy and for a moment Irene felt panic rising up to her chest, making her felt like she was about to vomit with all the dizziness and fear creeping up to her.

 

Was it because of how she casually called Wendy like nothing happened? Or was it the invitation that took Wendy by surprise?

 

“Well, ah, how should I put this? Thank you for the invitation, Hyun but I don’t think it’s proper for me to go after, urm, yeah, after everything. It’s been a while since I saw your parents anyway, I think I would feel awkward around them.”

 

Disappointment was not a new feeling for Irene, but it still hurt nonetheless. It was not supposed to be this way, it had been months so she should not feel like the pain had just happened yesterday.

 

“Please, Wannie. Erica is coming home for Christmas and it’s been so long since she came home. I just want to let Mom feel happy even if it’s for a short time, you know? If you’re there, Dad would not make a lot of fuss about her being home. Please, help me just this one time.”

 

Irene hated that she had to beg for this, angry that it felt like she was not just asking Wendy to be there just because of Erica.

 

Somehow, she found out that she really wanted her there too, and she would have laughed at her pathetic self if she was not on call with Wendy still.

 

“But...I’m not sure if your parents will still want to see me after all these times.”

 

“Yes, they want to. Mom keeps pestering me to invite you home, you know? She thinks of you as her own daughter and even asked me to tell you that you can drop by when I’m not around. Dad misses you, too.”

 

‘And I want to see you as well’ was what Irene wanted to add, but she bit her tongue and stopped the words from spilling out. There was an uncomfortable long pause and she imagined how Wendy would look like then – her brows were probably furrowed and there would be a pout as she considered all of the possibilities if she chose to attend the dinner. She wished she did not know Wendy this well, then she would not be tormented by flash of images she was supposed to forget rather than reminisce.

 

“I suppose it’s okay then. Can you text me Erica’s number when she’s here? I’d want to see her before the dinner. It’s been a while.”

 

“Promise?”

 

Irene was almost whispering as she asked for another confirmation from Wendy, not responding yet to the request for Erica’s number. Both of them knew each other anyway; they hit it off pretty well during the few times Wendy had met Erica with Irene, sometimes even being joined by Katy. However, Erica often changed her phone number due to her constant travels so Wendy did not bother to store her contact.

 

“I promise.” Wendy was smiling; Irene could hear her smile through her words somehow. “Don’t worry alright? Just tell me what time should I show up at your house and I’ll be there.”

 

Irene pressed her phone a little closer to her ears. “Thanks, Wendy. I will text you Erica’s number later. And…good luck with your new release.”

 

“Thanks. I’ll be waiting for your text. See you sometimes, Rene.”

 

“See you.”

 

Irene ended the call and sulked slightly as she realized Wendy ended the call with the nickname everyone used for her, instead of the one that was derived from her Korean name. Wendy used ‘Hyun’ a lot back then, saying it made her feel closer to Irene since it was more familiar to her and Irene had learned to love her own name then, because of the singer who called her ‘Joohyun’ with so much affection in her voice. She herself never really used Wendy’s Korean name, opting to call the other woman ‘Wannie’ instead, because Seungwan sound too strange for her. Wendy never did mind.

 

She let out a sigh as she pressed a finger to her temple, realizing that she was drowning in the past once again. It was difficult to call Wendy in the first place, but now she felt worse. She could not help but to recall their conversation again and analysed all of the things they said, feeling a blush crept as she remembered how she let her guard down when she pleaded with Wendy.

 

Wendy did not ask for Irene to listen to her new single this time and that hurt her most, out of everything else. She had always been so excited back then, always boasting about her songs to Irene, stressing especially on the ones she had written with Irene in mind.

 

“You have to listen to this! I wrote this for you!”

 

“This song is just like us, you know? I move to Canada to expand my singing career, and maybe find a foreigner that I would be head over heels with, instead I found you. A Korean-Canadian that is so similar yet so different from me. We’re written in the stars, Hyun.”

 

Irene tapped her fingers on the black screen of her phone, trying to let it all sink in.

 

Guess she would be spending another Christmas with her ex-girlfriend, after all.

*

*It's been a while, right?

“Did you get to meet Wendy?”

 

Taeyeon chuckled at the storm that was Irene. She burst through the front door and strode confidently to where Taeyeon was sitting, not even bothering to open the conversation with casual greeting. They had agreed to meet at one of Taeyeon’s favourite cafés in Canada, Fermata Café. It was a place she would find nowhere else in the world no matter how many eateries she ate at or how many different types of food she got to try. Sometimes she wondered if it was because the food here was really good or if it was the companions she went to the café with that made all the difference.

 

“Your patience hasn’t improved during the long time I haven’t met you, I see.”

 

Taeyeon little sister and Irene waved a hand dismissively. She called for the waiter and quickly ordered – there was no need for a menu due to her familiarity with the place. Taeyeon smiled when she saw how confident Irene carried herself now, feeling a little nostalgic as she recalled the shy girl who would hide behind her during corporate dinners and in school.

 

“So? Did you?” Irene quickly jumped into her question once she was done ordering. Taeyeon guffawed at the blaze of determination in her sister’s eyes.

 

“Geez. When will you change? No, I haven’t met Wendy. I just arrived last night, for god sake. We plan to meet tomorrow, she’s busy having a meeting with her bosses today. Her new song will be released in 3 days, so she’s busy running around.”

 

Taeyeon sipped her latte, waiting for Irene’s reaction. She saw her sister nodded and the light in her eyes dimmed slightly and Taeyeon’s heart clenched a little, knowing that Irene was definitely still not over the singer-composer she used to be smitten with.

 

“You still have it bad for her, huh?”

 

“I don’t.” Irene retorted a little too quickly. “It’s just that she asked for your number first after I haven’t called her in a while, so I thought she might have something important to say to you. That’s why I’m curious.”

 

“I think she just misses me.”

 

The photographer chuckled when she saw Irene’s expression twitched to something that she knew too well as barely concealed jealousy.

 

“Was that supposed to be funny, Erica?”

 

“Taeyeon.” She retorted automatically and Irene was taken aback. “I go by Taeyeon now. Please call me that. You don’t even have to call me unnie if you don’t want to. Just...Taeyeon.”

 

“First Katy, and now you?”

 

Irene’s defeated voice sounded foreign to Taeyeon and she felt bad since she felt like she was ganging up with her youngest sister and excluded Irene from their world but Erica felt foreign for her now. It was someone else’s name, someone who was diligent in studying and was prepped to be the CEO of a billion-dollar company – someone who was not Taeyeon.

 

Taeyeon was a free spirit, a traveller who loved singing and did not mind working hard, as long as she was not trapped behind a grandiose desk overseeing a company operation for the rest of her life.

 

“Erica died when Dad chased me out, Rene.” Taeyeon gently spoke. “It took me a while to embrace the name Taeyeon – it meant ‘serenity’, do you know that? It’s a beautiful name, and I’m finally comfortable enough to be her.”

 

She raised her arm and for a moment, it seemed like she was showing her elbow to Irene. Then, Irene noticed the word ‘serenity’ tattooed beautifully behind Taeyeon’s arm and she understood what Taeyeon was trying to do. She might not be able to understand Taeyeon fully, but it seemed like Taeyeon had found where she belonged and what she was looking for, so who was Irene to stop her?

 

“It’s beautiful. It really does suit you.”

 

The older sister smiled at the calm acceptance behind Irene’s voice and she reached out to ruffle the model’s hair, inciting a whine she was all too familiar with.

 

“Is Yerim not coming back for Christmas?”

 

“No.” Irene frowned as she answered. “I think she has a girlfriend in Korea or something. She’s always with this girl called Saeron whenever I call and she always talks about her.”

 

“Wow, what are the chances for all of us siblings to be gay, am I right?”

 

Irene raised an eyebrow at this. “Wait, I thought you’re-”

 

“Biual? You’re not wrong. But I think a found someone who will make an honest woman out of me and she just happens to be a woman too. I guess I should learn to stick to one label now, since that’s how people will see me.”

 

Irene almost swung her hands at the waiter who was delivering her food right after Taeyeon dropped the bomb. The photographer tried to hold back her laughter as she watched her sister apologizing profusely to the poor man who was trying to do his job. Irene seemed like she was really surprised to find out that Taeyeon was ready to settle down.

 

“Who?! Why haven’t you said anything about this at all?!”

 

“Well, it’s because I wasn’t sure I’m ready to settle down. It’s been going on for a while, but we didn’t really want to take it seriously since we were always thousands of miles away from each other, you know? But we’ve talked a lot more recently and I believe it’s time for me to tie her down, after all. I’ve wasted too much time not being with her, I have to start making up for the lost time quick.”

 

There was a sheepish grin on Taeyeon’s face but her eyes were shining with happiness. Irene’s heart warmed at the sight of her sister being so happy. Taeyeon was always so reserved and closed off, she wondered about the woman who managed to make a home in her sister’s heart.

 

“Who was it? Is she a Canadian? Is that why you come back? Or do you just come back to inform us that you’re getting married and will settle down in Australia or something?”

 

“You do know her actually. Her younger sister is a model friend of yours. Considering many things, I might end up settling either in Canada or the States after all.”

 

Irene searched her mind, going through her list of friends and tried to remember if any of them had sisters who were acquainted with Taeyeon. When a name was locked in her mind, she widened her eyes and Taeyeon knew she got it right even without listening to her answer.

 

“You’re dating Krystal’s sister??? Jessica? Wow. She’s-she’s a CEO of her own damn company. You quit from being a CEO and now you’re dating one? Are you doing this on purpose?”

 

Now Taeyeon was really full out laughing although her sister was bombarding her with questions after questions. It was ironic, yes but life just worked that way sometimes.

 

“Yeah, Sica. My childhood friend who’s a Korean and is a CEO. I travelled the world just to find my heart back where I started, can you believe that?”

 

Taeyeon shook her head and smiled as she thought of Jessica, a woman she could actually call her girlfriend now after so many years of pushing and pulling across the globe. She was startled when Irene started to screech in happiness, attracting the eyes of the whole café. She ducked slightly, embarrassed over the enthusiastic reaction.

 

“I’m so happy for you! Oh my god. Does Ka-I mean Yerim, does she know? When’s the wedding? Can I be your bridesmaid?”

 

“Geez, calm down, Rene. Yerim doesn’t know yet. I think Jessica will tell Krystal soon too, since we decided on only telling everyone after I’m back. I’ll tell our parents about this during Christmas Eve dinner. I might invite Jessica too, actually. I can use the extra support.”

 

Taeyeon sighed, thinking of her father. The man had never been against whoever they dated; the right kind of Western values had seeped in his life but he was still strict with his eldest because he expected her to carry the family name or something. She could not get it all in life, she supposed.

 

“Oh, I think it’ll be fine, don’t worry too much. Wendy will be there too during the dinner, so Dad will have to play nice all the time. I’m honestly convinced that he loves her more than he loves either of us, even Mom seems to like more than she likes her own daughters.”

 

Irene huffed and brushed off Taeyeon’s concern, convinced that Wendy’s presence would pacify their father’s temper. It was Taeyeon’s turn to raise her brow at this.

 

“Yeah about that…what’s up with you and Wendy? I thought you girls broke up earlier this year? Or was I wrong? I was surprised when you mentioned she would be there for our family dinner.”

 

“We did break up. It’s just that we’re still in good terms and Mom and Dad love her, that’s all.”

 

Taeyeon sniggered at this. “Figures that they would love another person more than their own flesh and blood.”

 

Irene was taken aback by this. She heard no real bite in Taeyeon’s voice, but she still spoke her next words carefully.

 

“It’s not…it’s not like that. Wendy’s just…”

 

“Wendy’s Wendy, I understand Irene. It’s hard not to love her.”

 

The older woman spoke gently, knowing all too well of the kind and lovable composer Irene used to date. Her sister smiled in response, relieved that Taeyeon was not blaming Wendy for being more accepted in the Baes’ household than herself. Studying Irene’s reaction, Taeyeon began carefully.

 

“You know, you never really told me why did you break up with her,” Taeyeon twirled the straw in her drink carefully, judging Irene’s face expression before she decided that it was safe to continue.

 

“I mean, you dated for two years and whenever I met or talked with you guys, you were always disgustingly cute so I was really surprised when you texted me last May, saying that you had broken up with Wendy. And now, you’re telling me that you broke up on good terms. What gives?”

 

Irene did not immediately respond; she was expecting this question from Taeyeon. She thought for a while, pushing around the food in her plate before letting out a long sigh.

 

“We got into a stupid argument.”

 

“It can’t be that stupid if you ended your relationship with the ‘love of your life’, no?” Taeyeon air quoted and at this, Irene chuckled bitterly.

 

“It was my fault, for most part.” Irene looked down on the table, shame coloured her face as she tried to speak. “I-I got angry because I felt like Wendy was ashamed of me.”

 

Taeyeon stared at Irene incredulously. Wendy? Ashamed of Irene? That was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard, and she had met someone who said that ants’ butts tasted sweet during her travels.

 

“Look, are you sure there’s no misunderstanding somewhere? Because the Wendy I know-”

 

“I know Er-Taeyeon. I know. It’s not Wendy. I don’t know what came up to me then. I wanted to show her off and tell the world how happy she made me but she got upset whenever I posted pictures of us and she didn’t post or talk about me at all. It felt like,” Irene paused, trying to search for the right words to describe how she felt then, “she was trying her best to act like it did not exist, like I didn’t matter.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Understanding dawned Taeyeon then. Irene was not an expressive person but due to the nature of her work as a model, she wanted to share certain aspects of her life to her fans and the public. Her relationship with Wendy was a huge part in her life after all, it made sense that she would want to show that part of herself. On the other hand, Wendy…

 

“Is Wendy still uncomfortable about how romantic relationship between girls are perceived here?”

 

 “You already know the answer.”

 

“Rene…”

 

“I don’t get it. This is not Korea; she doesn’t have any reasons to be scared anymore but even holding hands with me was so difficult for her whenever we went out together. What girl would want to feel so unwanted, hidden in the dark like some dirty secret? I didn’t deal too well with it obviously.”

 

Irene smiled bitterly. She was angry about it then but now, she was just sad. There was a million thoughts running through her mind but it all boiled down to the disappointment she had for Wendy. It was as if Wendy did not even try to fight for her or their relationship.

 

“It came to a point when we argued so much and I just accused her of not really wanting to be with her, that maybe I was just some sort of experiment to test whether she’s really as gay as she thought she was.”

 

Taeyeon gasped. “You did not do that.”

 

Embarrassment and pain were evident in Irene’s expression when she turned away and nodded. “I feel so guilty, I don’t know what prompted me to say all those horrible things. It’s still eating me up inside, Taeyeon. I want to reach out to her since she said she still wants us to be friends but it’s hard. I felt like hearing her voice would crumble whatever resolve I’ve built since the day she left me. Or was it me leaving her? I don’t know anymore.”

 

Irene ran her fingers through her har, frustration palpable as she frowned. Taeyeon did not immediately respond to this. Instead, she looked thoughtful and nodded to herself as she could see the whole situation better now. Taeyeon leaned in, catching her sister’s attention.

 

“Have you ever considered that rather than being ashamed of you, or making you an experiment, she’s just actually chained by the culture she was raised in, and it was as hard for her as it was for you?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“She was raised in a place where people are condemned for being anything other than a straight, cis individual, Rene. I don’t think she wants to hurt you over her reluctance to open up about your relationship; perhaps she was scared of showing what you mean to her because words could hurt the both of you, or she was taught that this kind of relationship is wrong all her life, thus it was tough for her to open up about her relationship with you because she could not shake off what she held as true for most of her life.”

 

Irene opened and closed , but no words came out. It seemed like Taeyeon had made her realized a different perspective of the story she thought she had closed, one that she could not understand – nor Wendy could explain in words.

 

“It will be easy for us to judge anyone’s culture or belief if we are not the one holding them, but if we try to put ourselves in their shoes, I think we woul