It reeks. His apartment is swathed in an odor of dirty clothes haphazardly thrown everywhere, and unwashed dishes in the sink. He moves through a haze of roughly planned days which now consist of waking up for work and coming home. 

Baekhyun’s consistent attempts to contact him go unanswered along with everyone else. He doesn’t want to speak with anyone, nor plan this wedding. Everything weighs down on him as the tuxedo fitting comes this evening. 

It’s the very first time Jongin arrives before Kyungsoo, and the pediatrician’s face displays the suitable confusion of such an occurrence. 

Kyungsoo shrugs it off, “There was pretty bad traffic,” He says as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his pants. 

“Yea, traffic, sure,” Jongin playfully chides, and they walk further inside the facility. 

Kyungsoo takes a seat on a soft cushioned, creamed-colored couch as he waits for Jongin to get dressed into the tuxedo he got measured for weeks ago. He picks up a magazine resting on a coffee table and flips through its content. 

Soon enough, Jongin emerges from the dressing room, and Kyungsoo fights the urge to drop his jaw. Pristine, crisp and suave, Jongin dons a delicate ivory tuxedo. Perfection in it’s purest form, he stands before Kyungsoo with a gleaming smile to complement such sumptuous attire. For a moment, Kyungsoo couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think, his stare the only form of communication.

Jongin outstretches his arms, “How do I look?” He asks with a bite of his lower lip in anticipation. 

“Amazing,” Kyungsoo says in awe. 

Jongin chuckles, “Thanks, Soo. I really like this one.” He looks over the suit and pats it down. 

“How much does it cost?” 

“Enough. If I told you, you’d think I’m crazy,”

“That’s arguable, because it looks perfect.” He places the magazine on the table before standing. Repositioning himself behind Jongin, who now looks into the mirror, Kyungsoo takes in his frame through the reflection. He follows Jongin’s gaze which travels from head to toe, eyes exploring and examining the suit. 

“How about your suit, does it fit well?” Jongin asks.

“Yes, it’s fine, but we aren’t here to talk about my suit,” 

“Fine. This one is nice, isn’t it?”

“Very nice.” Kyungsoo pats and smooths out the pads in Jongin’s shoulders. Then, he stops and pulls his hands back as though he’s been burnt from touching Jongin. Immediately, he drops his arms down to his side and takes a step back. “In my opinion, this is the one,” He nods, and Jongin does the same. 

“Hey Soo, it’s been awhile since we hung out, so I was thinking maybe we could have dinner together,”

Kyungsoo dithers along the brink of accepting, but sees rejection rearing its head around. In his rational mind, declining Jongin’s offer would be sensible. If not for his wavering heart, but to salvage what remains of his sanity. 

However, the way Jongin looks deep into his eyes with a stare that entrances him, convinces him otherwise. Jongin’s gaze is full of hope, and how could he refuse when he so openly asked this of him? When the candor in Jongin’s voice coaxes his will to follow? 

Kyungsoo’s smile is weak and tentative, “Yea, sure.”



Dinner is, in the most simplistic way, splendid. It’s during this time when Kyungsoo realizes how much he misses having Jongin around. Their conversations are of typical topics such as work and sports this time.

There’s a ring to Jongin’s laugh that implores him to do the same. There’s a grace to Jongin’s smile which instills happiness in his limbs and infuses throughout his body. And in no time at all, his face breaks into a dazzling grin to match. 

They enjoy each other’s company, and even more so, Kyungsoo enjoys his time being around his friend.

He still dances around the topic of the wedding, and tries to disguise his intense dislike for the event with strained grins. Though he is happy for Jongin, he feels sad for himself. It’s a never ending cycle. 

The choice is his: to remain friends with the man of his infatuation, or to leave entirely. The latter is easy, but Kyungsoo isn’t known to travel easy routes, ever, and decides the heartache and pain is worth it. 

For Jongin, everything is worth it. 

“Kyungsoo?”

He blinks, and his vision focuses on brown inquisitive orbs, “Yes?”

“Baekhyun told me you’ve been going on blind dates…” 

Kyungsoo blinks again, and his eyes fall onto the table, “Yes.” He coughs into his palm, “I’ve just been interested in dating lately,” He says, hesitance in his words. His gaze locks with Jongin’s, whose presents obscurity. 

“You’ve been wanting to date?”

“For a while now…” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you go out on dates. How many have you been on?”

“Three,”

“Were they decent? Dependable?” 

Kyungsoo stands with his plate and walks into the kitchen, Jongin not too far behind. “Yes, they all seemed well off and very sensible,”

“So did you find anyone yet?”

“No, I don’t think it will work out…”

“You didn’t like them?” Jongin leans on the counter and crosses his arms. 

Kyungsoo places the plate into the sink and plants his palms on the counter, “Yea…And who knows, maybe they didn’t like me either,” He shrugs, hoping that would end the conversation. 

“That’s a stretch, I mean what’s not to like about you?”

“Jongin, you’re biased, of course you’d think that,”

“Even without being ‘biased’,” He makes air quotations, “You’re still a great catch Soo, I’d date you myself,”

Kyungsoo’s body involuntarily turns, the knife in his heart drives deeper, “Jongin, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” He moves to walk around the taller, but Jongin grabs his arm.

“Hey, is anything wrong? I’ve noticed how you’ve been acting weird and something is off,”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, eyes trained on the ground, “It’s nothing, just...”

“I’m sorry if I upset you, but what I’m really getting at here, is that I want you to find happiness too, that’s all.” 

“I am happy...Just like this,” Kyungsoo says. Expressing it aloud had little to no effect on his true emotional state. 

“Are you sure? Because this isn’t like you. Baekhyun’s told me about how you show up late to work, and your clothes. He’s even said that you don’t bring your planner with you,”

“I’m fine, really. Just tired...”

“And now you’re going on dates...Have you slept with any of them?”

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Kyungsoo snaps, annoyed for some reason. 

“Why do you say that?” Jongin’s expression morphs into one of confusion.

“You didn’t tell me who you were dating or proposing to,” He says sharply.

Jongin staggers back in a combination of bewilderment and indignation, “I didn’t tell you because you never take things well and I thought that you didn’t like her.”

“You’re right, I don’t like her,”

“What’s wrong with Jiyoon?”

“She took you from me!” Kyungsoo yells in a momentary lapse under the weight of emotions, besieged by the never ending cycle. He regrets those words immediately, and takes a deep breath with closed eyes.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing...I have to go.” He rushes to leave Jongin's apartment, but the pediatrician snags his forearm before he could make it out the door. 

“You need to tell me what you meant,”

Why does he continue to do this to himself? Kyungsoo knows Jongin isn’t stupid. He knows Jongin has the mental capabilities to piece together everything if he so much as hinted at his feelings toward the man. 

He doesn’t want Jongin to know of his emotions. Not now, not ever. 

“What I mean is that she takes up all of our bonding time.” He lies with ease. Apparently, he’s become great at it these days. 

“Kyungsoo…” Jongin lightens his grip, “I’m sorry we haven’t been hanging out as much,”

I’m sorry too, Kyungsoo thinks. It wouldn’t be fair to place all the blame on Jongin, when he exerted a great deal of effort in distancing himself, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault,”

“Even though it is. Look, let’s just finish tonight with a movie marathon or something like the good old days, sounds alright?” Jongin asks with a semblance of a smile. 

“...Okay.”






August 26th,

We’ve been on Jeju Island for two days now. It’s a nice place, I like it here. We’re staying at the hotel and so far everything has been going well I guess. Baekhyun and Chanyeol arrived earlier today and for some reason Baekhyun had on a flower hawaiin shirt and flip flops. Chanyeol didn’t look any better with shorts and a hoodie. It wasn’t even cold out and it didn’t make any sense. Hoodie and shorts? Was he dressing for the summer or the winter? I don’t know where his mind is.
Baekhyun found a club for the bachelor party.And it just reminded me that the wedding is so close. Everything was planned for this. I did this. But I really don’t want to be here. I look at Jongin and envision that wedding band around his finger, and it makes me feel sick.
I’m so conflicted.
I went on three failed dates and now I want to give up on trying to find anyone. I just need time. Yea, time heals everything right?
I hope. 






When Baekhyun mentioned that he couldn’t wait until the bachelor’s party, Kyungsoo didn’t think much of it at the time. Yet, during the stag event, he finds himself trapped in a sandwich between Chanyeol and Baekhyun again as they dance in the middle of a raving crowd. 

Chromatic hues of flashing lights showers over the crowd and to every corner of the room. The bass has a thumping kick to it which rattles the ground and resonates at earsplitting volumes. Clouds of bodies sway and move to the pop song permeating throughout the spacious club. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t know what bothers him more--that he is forced to dance in between Baekhyun and Chanyeol, or that Jongin left him to his doom by chickening out and sitting at their reserved table. The pediatrician doesn’t dance often, but it’s his bachelor party. And in the words of Baekhyun, he should be the one out here shaking his tail feather. 

“I’m going to have a seat!” Kyungsoo yells above the blaring music. The other two nod and continue partying like it’s 1999. Whatever that means. 

“Nice moves,” Jongin says when he takes a seat beside him.

“Oh shut up,” Kyungsoo snaps, and Jongin laughs. 

“No really, you look like you were having fun. I can’t seem to get into it,”

“Why is that?”

“I’m just so nervous about Sunday.” Another reminder strikes Kyungsoo hard, and he feels the familiar burn inside his chest.

“You’ll be fine,” He reassures.

“Yea I guess so.” Jongin takes a sip from his beer before standing, “I’m going to get out there, and try to shake it off, want to come?”

“No, I’m all danced out, you go have fun,” Kyungsoo says, and Jongin leaves him behind at the table. He watches from afar as Jongin joins their friends on the dance floor. A deep sense of despair floods over him when he thinks about the imminent wedding day. It’s really happening in two days. 

Two days.

It echoes inside his mind, preying on his will to stand firm when faced with his worst nightmare.

The several bottles of liquor littered on the table call out to him, tempting him to consume them. He unconsciously reaches for one and brings the rim to his lips. There isn’t a moment of hesitation as he throws his head back and gulps half of its contents. 

Where there were once restrictions on his consumption of alcohol, there is no more. He aims to clear his mind and ease his worries, searching for that same stupor as before. 

While sitting alone at the table, his eyes flit out into the sea of people, and he instantly spots Jongin. His best friend looks happy, smiling from ear to ear while dancing in a ridiculous manner identical to Baekhyun’s. He appears ready to embark on a new chapter in his life, while Kyungsoo remains stuck on the very first page of the book. 

He rises on unsteady legs with the bathroom as his destination. His body totters, and his palm catches the wall to assist him in standing. To get away from the situation, he would do anything. His heart couldn’t handle it. 

When inside the bathroom, he rushes to the sink and rinses his face in cold water. It’s not a second later before Chanyeol enters, obvious concern plastered over his features. 

“Kyungsoo, are you alright?” His palm falls on Kyungsoo’s lower back, and the CEO flinches away from his touch, “Hey man, I’m just trying to help,”

“You can’t help me,” Kyungsoo says, his voice low and nearly unintelligible. He stumbles when trying to walk and Chanyeol attempts to help him steady on his feet, but Kyungsoo swats his palm away.

“Soo, what’s wrong? I’ve never seen you drink...And for you to be like this,” 

“You can’t help alright,”

“Give me a chance,”

“Can you stop this wedding?”

“What?!” Chanyeol’s eyes widen. 

“You heard me. Can you stop it? Because if you can’t, then you can’t help me Chanyeol,” 

“Why do you want to stop it?”

“It’s not that hard to figure out,” 

After a momentary pause, Chanyeol takes a firm hold of his arm, “So that’s how it’s been all this time?!” He yells. 

Kyungsoo violently tugs his arm from his grip and staggers back, “That’s how it’s always been!” He yells, cracking under the pressure of everything, “And it’s killing me!” He swallows hard, barely holding back tears, “It’s killing me Chanyeol as I watch from the sidelines unable to do anything,”

“Why? Why did you do this then?”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand,”

“You never allow me! You never let me in!” Chanyeol’s eyes are strained, dark pupils penetrating into his own. They’re suffocating. His gaze could see through Kyungsoo’s emotions as if they were translucent glass. Chanyeol stares deep into his hurt and turmoil, and even then, he refuses to allow those emotions to shove him away. 

Kyungsoo turns on his heels and storms off with great difficulty. He s his weight onto the bathroom door, and it slams open with a loud thud. With haste, he walks down the corridor toward the exit of the club.

“Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol attempts to chase him, but abandons the pursuit in the middle of the short hallway.






The merciless ache from the migraine is the first thing he feels when he rouses. Kyungsoo pulls himself out of bed and begins the day late in the evening, having been up all night imprisoned by his fatalistic thoughts. All the strength inside his body seeps out when he attempts to stand, and he falls to the bed. Sunken shoulders and deep sighs, he feels as though there isn’t much of his existence left. Life’s essence drains from his limbs in the most agonizing way. There’s a discord inside of him from the eternal bickering of his conscience and heart about the impending day. The disputes become discombobulated white noise, ricocheting and sparking until there’s nothing left but utter pandemonium.

He chooses to think of nothing at all as he prepares for the day ahead. 






There’s nothing more disconcerting than the wedding and dinner rehearsal. 

The rehearsal takes place in the main banquet hall where the wedding will be tomorrow. Almost everyone is present, family and friends, and some members of the staff. Everyone but the bride-to-be, Kyungsoo notices when he enters the room with a foam cup of coffee. 

He’ll never understand how Baekhyun does it. One night, he’s out getting white boy wasted, and the very next day, he seems to glow with the brightness of a thousand suns. Kyungsoo cringes when he sees the wedding planner who is all bright smiles and sparkling eyes. 

“Hey Soo.” Baekhyun waves, and Kyungsoo could only afford to nod. 

“Hey,”

“So stale. Let’s try again. Hey Soo!” 

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, “Shouldn’t you be starting the rehearsal, I did assign you to this the other day,”

“We’re waiting on Jiyoon,”

“She said she’ll be running late,” Jongin says, appearing by his side.

“Isn’t that a problem? We only have one hour to complete this,” Baekhyun says, “How about a stand in?” 

“Yea, good idea. Anyone in mind?” Jongin asks.

Baekhyun nudges Kyungsoo, whose eyes widen and dart toward the wedding planner, “What?” He whispers.

“Go on and stand in for the bride,”

“Are you crazy?”

“Kyungsoo said he’ll stand in,” Baekhyun says as he lifts the CEO’s arm. Kyungsoo snatches his arm down with a murderous glare which doesn’t let up until Jongin calls out to him.

“Kyungsoo, will you?”


“I’m here, I’m here!” Jiyoon yells as she scurries inside, and Kyungsoo’s shoulder visibly sink with a sigh of relief.

Relief which is short lived when the rehearsal finally begins. 

If any thoughts about the wedding were agonizing before, they had nothing on the torment which surfaced now. Contemplation and perception are two separate things, and as Kyungsoo watches the mock presentation, he begins to feel faint. 

At first, he remains calm and collected while standing diagonally behind Jongin near the altar as his best man. Then, Jiyoon enters after the trail of bridesmaids and flower girls, and things become difficult. 

The wedded couple stands facing each other, hand in hand, and began reciting their vows. While this happens, Kyungsoo barely fights against his body’s desire to leave the banquet hall. The urge itches under his skin and jars at his bones, revulsed by the display of affection before him. 

The audience is enraptured by the couple. Hushed coos and delighted eyes stare at them in a collective expectation of hope. Hope for their future together which will unite their families into one. Jongin is building a new family and a new life with Jiyoon by his side. 

It’s too much. 

When the rehearsal for the wedding ends, Kyungsoo feels as though he could hardly stand.

The dinner rehearsal be damned, he couldn’t do this.

He excuses himself claiming to have an upset stomach, and leaves out the grand hall for his hotel room. The tears begin to boil in his eyes, but he withholds them. He couldn’t cry. Not while in public, not during the guise of happiness he assumes before everyone. He hurries, feet marching over the carpet, propelling him forward until he reaches his destination. 

When inside the dimly lit room, he bumps into a drawer and lurches forward. Quivering hands catch the wood preventing him from falling completely. He continues walking until his body refuses to sustain his weight on shaking legs, and he collapses to the floor. 

With his back against the wall, he pulls his legs into his chest and begins to bawl.
. 
Tears overflow until they pour down in vigorous rivers. He quietly sobs, his chest constricts in pain from the excruciating rush of emotions rampaging in his soul. It feels as though someone has wrapped their appendages around his heart and squeezed without mercy. His breaths surrender to muzzled coughs and wheezes as he searches for air to quell the scorching fire in his throat. 

Tantrumed feet scuffle over the ground along with the strikes of his head back against the wall. Kyungsoo knew he couldn’t do this. How could he watch the man he loves, love someone else? Marry someone else? Form a life with someone else? 

The floor slips from underneath him, and he falls into an abyss of darkness, plummeting downward in a sightless, soundless void. It hurts to the pits of his stomach and he gags, hovering a palm to his mouth. He attempts to stand, but his feet scuttle over the floor and his body falls to the ground. It stings, his palms which broke his fall throb. The weight of hopelessness hangs over him and anchors him to that very spot.

Everything aches, burns and simmers. This Hell absolutely maddening.

“Kyungsoo?” The door flings back with a bang which makes him flinch, “Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol’s voice becomes closer, every step heavy under his purposeful strides. 

When Chanyeol comes into his blurred view, Kyungsoo shakes his head in a silent request for him to leave, but the other refuses. Chanyeol hurries to his side and attempts to pull him to stand. 

“No, NO!” Kyungsoo fights against his help, “Leave me alone!” His breaths are ragged around his cold words. Chanyeol doesn’t listen however, and tries to help him.

“Kyungsoo get up,” Chanyeol struggles to grab his wrist as Kyungsoo wrestles with swats and hits against the other. When Chanyeol finally grabs ahold of his forearms, he shakes the CEO hard, and Kyungsoo’s body stiffens. “Get up! You can’t do this to yourself, “

“Y-you…” Kyungsoo sniffs, “You don’t understand,” He coughs roughly and pulls back from Chanyeol’s grip but to no avail. The other has a tight hold on his arms and Kyungsoo surrenders with ease, he doesn’t possess the energy to put up a fight anymore. He stands to his feet, but not without staggering on his weak legs. Chanyeol is there to support his weight until Kyungsoo leans his back against the wall. 

Chanyeol places both palms on the wall on either side of Kyungsoo’s head, caging him inside, “I don’t understand?” Chanyeol asks in a tone of disbelief, and Kyungsoo turns his head, “Look at me!” He yells, and Kyungsoo shakes his head back and forth, unwilling to do just that, “Look at me Kyungsoo!” Kyungsoo lets out a broken sob, his palms extend out to push Chanyeol away but the other doesn’t budge at all. 

“I can’t,” Kyungsoo mutters, “I can’t look at you,”

“Because you know, don’t you?” Chanyeol moves in closer, and Kyungsoo whimpers, “You know how much I love you. I’ve always loved you and been there for you,” 

“I know,” Kyungsoo whispers. 

“It’s been years Kyungsoo...” Chanyeol inches closer, his breath fanning against Kyungsoo’s cheek. “I need you...So why don’t you look at me, please,” In his voice is every form of plea, the very need to have Kyungsoo notice him ever present and intensified. 

Kyungsoo has no choice other than to turn his head and meet those eyes of sincerity. Within them is the deepest care and love that he couldn't comprehend. Why him? Why did Chanyeol choose him? Was there anything left for Kyungsoo to offer? The ugliness he displayed and the downward spiral he traveled led him to a place where he wasn’t himself. Yet, here Chanyeol stands in the face of his most disgusting side willing to give his all to Kyungsoo and accept him unconditionally. 

Perhaps, he should choose Chanyeol, someone who looked at him and only him. No one ever pursued so strongly, or persevered for such an ample amount of time. Perhaps, what he needed was at arm's length all along, standing in plain sight, but he refused to look under that of the blinding sun which shone above. 

Under that brilliance was Chanyeol who continuously waited without anything in return. 

“I love you Kyungsoo,” He whispers before his lips. 

There’s only a split second where Chanyeol’s hesitant gaze locks with Kyungsoo before he feels plush lips push against his. It’s a soft brush of flesh initially, but Chanyeol leans in and adds more pressure to deepen the kiss.

For a moment, Kyungsoo allows him. His mind draws blanks, failing to register the desperate gesture from momentary shock. When he feels the motions of those lips once again accompanied by a wandering hand, everything feels wrong. So very wrong. 

It delivers an unpleasant and cold tingle up his spine. This kiss is not from the lips that he desired. Those hands are not the stable ones that he craves to touch his body. This man is not the person his heart and soul yearns for.

He pushes hard against Chanyeol, “Stop it! Stop!” His hand whips across Chanyeol’s face, and his head turns from the force. Kyungsoo’s breath hitches. 

Chanyeol exhales a dry, humorless chuckle, and Kyungsoo could see the deep pool of tears gather inside of his eyes. The silence smothers them with its density as they merely stare.

They stare until the searing tears roll down Chanyeol’s face. The profound hurt that dwells in his irises wrenches at Kyungsoo’s heart, and he finds himself crying once again.

“I-I...” Kyungsoo’s voice cracks as he watches Chanyeol fall to his knees before him, defeated.

“Why can’t it be me?” Chanyeol rasps, his tone of utter despair. He firmly wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist and buries his head in his thighs. “Why can’t it be me?” He asks once again, and Kyungsoo attempts to comfort him by grasping his shoulder. “Why…” He sniffs and coughs. 

Kyungsoo tilts his head back against the wall and closes his eyes. Tears continuously slip down his cheeks while he listens to Chanyeol ask him the same question over and over.

To Kyungsoo, looking at Chanyeol is similar to looking inside a mirror. 

On the opposite side of the glass, Chanyeol stares back at him, a terrifying reflection of himself. 

They both have experienced the person they love, love someone else. Nothing in this world caused more anguish. Nothing . Kyungsoo knows very well how deeply those emotions hurt. The immense empathy he has toward Chanyeol prevents his anger from rising. Instead, he pities the tall man as he does himself. For this lifetime, they are imprisoned inside a poisonous cycle of rejection.

Though nothing but agony and heartache consumes him, at least, Kyungsoo isn’t alone. 

After all, misery loves company. The woes of his heart tell him so. 

That night, Kyungsoo allows himself to hurt. He allows all of his emotions to spill out of him until he no longer had tears to cry. He allows himself to accept. 

And, he finally allows himself to let go.

A/N: Chapter 4! Oh no, this part was difficult to write. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo trapped in a cycle of unrequited love. The emotions really got to me. I hope you felt them as well. Comments and feedback are much appreciated!