Over the past two weeks, communication with the pediatrician began to dwindle. He talked to Jongin twice about the wedding. Their customary dinners ceased because Jongin attended dinner with his future wife and her family. With time apart from Jongin, it allowed Kyungsoo to bond with Chanyeol and Baekhyun. His days were spent hanging around with them and visiting different places: the movies, the lake, the batting ranges, and more nightclubs. Jongin infiltrated his mind on some nights, but he dismissed those thoughts as quickly as they came.

To rid the emotions he harbored for so long, he needed to distance himself. 

Though in that distance, he failed to realize that emotions didn’t sway over night and it would take time. There were moments when he felt impatient with himself, disappointed that he couldn’t get over his emotions already. Addictions were difficult to overcome, and he wished there was a rehabilitation center that helped with a damaged heart. 

Even now, as the woodwind instrument felt heavy in his palms, he wanted to see Jongin. 

At Giulia's Lounge, the audience ran deep with musicians and jazz fans who were here to listen and drink. Amatuer night was overwhelmingly popular with the locals, and Kyungsoo felt nerves prickle up his spine. He counted down from one hundred inside his head, fingertips gripping tighter with every passing moment. 

Chanyeol was there along with Baekhyun for moral support. But deep down, Kyungsoo wanted one person there beside him. That person would make everything alright. 

Jongin knew of this performance, but Kyungsoo didn’t remind him. Lately, talking to Jongin became difficult. Though contact was sparse, it was just enough. Their friendship still very much existed but it was unlike before. Kyungsoo spoke to Jongin only when needed in an attempt to distance himself, but the pediatrician crept into his mind like a daydream prepared to be prodded. 

There was no escape. Not until his feelings completely disappeared, which didn’t seem likely anytime soon. Especially since the last time he looked into the crowd he hadn’t seen said male. But there, Jongin stood amongst his friends with a bright smile. Kyungsoo didn’t see him arrive, and it was surprising to see him here. 

It wasn’t long before he was announced to take the stage, and he walked up the three steps while inhaling deep breaths. The light which spied down blinded his retinas for only a moment before his eyes shifted down toward Jongin whose gaze met his instantly. Kyungsoo gulped as those brown, expectant eyes stared at him, never moving. They penetrated hard, reaching deep inside of him and stirring his heart. Butterflies be damned, the feelings emanated from Jongin’s stare were far more thrilling. 

The music droned on in the background, and he took a few more deeps breaths to steady his racing heart. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure whether it were the copious amounts of onlookers or the unyielding stare from Jongin which made his heart race. In any case, his lips fells onto the mouthpiece and he began to play. 

The song he practised began with a slight error and he inwardly cursed himself for the mistake. But after said occurrence, the remainder of his performance went smoothly. When he finished the last note and the accompanying band closed out the number, the crowd erupted in applause. 

Such open praises made a humongous smile stretch across his face. And the whooping and hollering from his small cluster of friends made his cheeks tint a pink hue. Baekhyun was the most embarrassing with the boisterous chants of his name along with stomping and clapping. If his friend hadn’t reached the ultimate level of extra, then he didn’t know who did. 

As he descended the stairs, they crowded around him, all smiles and wide eyes of amazement. The rare bashful nature found Kyungsoo, who tilted his head down with hushed words of thank you leaving his lips. 

The most rewarding was Jongin’s compliments of his rendition. Although this performance began with heaps of nerves, it ended with a sense of accomplishment. 

From the other side of the lounge, Jongdae held up a thumb along with an ecstatic smile. Kyungsoo nodded, certain that his teacher would mow him down with praises later.

“That was wonderful Soo, I knew you had it in you!” Baekhyun gleamed, his grin the widest.

“You were amazing!” Chanyeol said before wrapping his arm around Kyungsoo in a side hug. The CEO’s body stiffened, and an awkward beat of silence followed the abrupt show of affection.

“Yea Kyungsoo, you did really well. I’m impressed,” Jongin added, “You know, you used to be horrible and all,” He chuckled.

“Oh whatever.” Kyungsoo softly laughed along with Jongin. 

“Want to head to dinner?” Though three people stood around Jongin, everyone knew the question was directed toward Kyungsoo. 

There would be nothing gained if he went to dinner with Jongin. It had been weeks since they shared dinner together, and he didn’t want to taint an otherwise polished record. 

“Maybe next time?” Kyungsoo said, and he saw Jongin’s expression visibly fall for fleeting moment. 

“Alright Soo,” The disappointment in his voice almost made Kyungsoo waver in his decision. He never wanted to hurt Jongin, but he had his own feelings to worry about. 

“Thank you for coming, I really appreciate it,”

“No problem, I said I would make it. I’ll talk to you soon.” The drop in Jongin’s mood was evident, and Kyungsoo immediately regretted rejecting him, but didn’t voice it. “See you guys later.”

“See you later, Jongin,” Kyungsoo said. Jongin left the building, and Baekhyun slung an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“You okay?” Baekhyun asked, and Kyungsoo nodded. 

“Why wouldn’t he be okay?” Chanyeol asked, his tone doused in confusion. 

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, “It’s nothing Chanyeol, lets just go.”




May 28th,


Today was nerve wracking. I had to perform for the first time and I messed up at the beginning. I wanted to run off the stage at that moment but I saw my friends out there and it made me change my mind. I was happy Chanyeol and Baekhyun were there. Baekhyun was still too loud for his own good, but he’s a good friend. Being around Chanyeol was easier when he’s not trying to date me. I guess I can understand him to a certain extent. 
Jongin kept looking at me. I don’t know what it is about his stare, but it made my heart flutter. 
I hate this feeling. One day I want to be near him and the next I want to be so far away from him. It’s like an emotional rollercoaster moving up and down and in loops.
How do I ever get off this ride? Will I ever be able to get off?
I just want my feelings to disappear already. 
Can I sleep until these feelings are gone?
-DKS



June 17th,

Today was another reminder that he’s getting married. We booked the photographer and videographer for the wedding and the entertainment for the reception. 
Other days when Jongin calls, I don’t answer. He knocks on my door and I act like I’m not home. I don’t know what to do. I feel bad when he reaches out to me and I ignore him unless it’s about the wedding. It’s eating me up to hurt him like this. I wish this could be over. When can I look into his eyes and feel nothing? When can I be around him and not want to touch him? When can I listen to his words and not drown in his voice or stare at those lips I want to kiss?
I’m going crazy. I can’t stand this. 
Oh Chanyeol. He comes around more. He makes me laugh and forget. I especially like it when he talks about music. It makes me feel better. He’s so knowledgeable about it too and plays many instruments I could only dream about playing. 
It’s not too bad to have someone around who wants me, who wants to be something more with me. I haven’t felt that way in a long time. It’s a good feeling.
Better than what I’m feeling when I’m with Jongin right now.
I need sleep.
-DKS






“And you know, you should totally listen to more of Korean pop, I think you’ll really enjoy that kind of music especially this group called EXO,” Chanyeol said as he took a swig of his water. He placed the glass on Kyungsoo’s coffee table before leaning back into the couch. 

“Hmm, I don’t know. I’m more into American rhythm and blues these days, but we’ll see,” Kyungsoo said as he placed spaghetti onto two plates. He cooked at home more often than he did in the past, and Chanyeol came over to gorge. 

Kyungsoo didn’t mind, the company kept his thoughts occupied most days. Though Chanyeol was a persistent bastard, he was still a friend who Kyungsoo shared many hobbies and interests with. 

Actually, talking to Chanyeol was a pleasant experience when he wasn’t openly flirting or trying to make a move on him. Kyungsoo enjoyed their deep conversation about aspirations in life and music. They babbled about different music genres but mainly jazz and blues. There was a soft spot he had for the tall accountant since no one understood his love for the art other than Chanyeol.

He offered the plate to the man, and Chanyeol accepted it in his palm. While eating on the couch and listening to jazz, they engaged in conversation between. Kyungsoo laughed when Chanyeol smeared sauce on his cheek from overstuffing his mouth. The buffoon had a way of being adorably clumsy, and Kyungsoo wiped his cheek with a napkin unconsciously. He thought nothing of the gesture but the same couldn’t be said for the other.

“Kyunsgoo?” 

“Hmm?” He stuffed another spoonful inside his mouth.

“Could you tell me why you choose to be single for so long?”

Kyungsoo slowed his chewing before he swallowed. Sighing, he replied, “Chanyeol, don’t start. I was actually enjoying our evening,”

“It’s not that, I’m just really curious is all. I mean, you’re successful and good looking. So why is it that you don’t have anyone? If not me, then someone else?”

“Well, to be honest, I’ve never wanted to date anyone,” Besides Jongin.

“Really?” 

“Yes, really…” Kyungsoo placed his plate on the coffee table, “I’m trying to work on it, I guess, but I’m not sure what I want. My standards seem pretty high.” He laughed though there was no humor in it, “My standards are impossible…”

“Do you like someone Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol shifted in his seat with eyes of anticipation. 

“No, there’s no one.” Maybe if he expressed it aloud enough, he would begin to think it, “Chanyeol, I think you should find someone who’s emotionally available at the moment,”

“You aren’t available because you don’t allow yourself to be. So what it is really?”

His eye twitched, casting downward, “I’d rather not talk about this.” He spoke slowly with a tone of finality. 

Chanyeol nodded, “Alright, just know, I’m here for you...I’ll always be here for you Kyungsoo.” His eyes moved up to lock with Chanyeol’s, and what stared back at him made his heart leap. Sincerity shone within the depths of his irises, and Kyungsoo found himself staring back. It was unlike any proclamations Chanyeol had made before. It was a statement which held dense weight and honesty. 

How to deal with someone’s emotions other than his own was something Kyungsoo never excelled in. Silence became the responder for a reply which was forfeited to the spinning of his mind. He shifted in his seat, as did Chanyeol, to accommodate the space between them.

The closer Chanyeol moved, the higher Kyungsoo’s nerves escalated. Their proximity overwhelmed him, and rustled his emotions for a mere moment. 

Abruptly, three knocks sounded from the door. Without hesitation, Kyungsoo stood and hurried to answer it. The heat from his cheeks died down as he turned the knob. In front of his doorframe stood the very person he didn’t want to see right now, the one who he refused to see.

“Hey Soo, mind if I come in?”

“Who is it?” Chanyeol appeared from behind the opened door, eyes falling upon Jongin, “Oh, hey Jongin,” 

“Um, Hey Chanyeol.” Jongin scratched behind his head, “Mind if I talk to Soo, alone?”

“Oh no, I was just leaving,” Chanyeol said before he leaned over to whisper in Kyungsoo’s ear. The shorter’s breath hitched when Chanyeol’s lips brushed against the shell of his ear, “Don’t forget what I said,” His voice was deep and resonating. 

“Okay,” Kyungsoo whispered with a slight nod. Chanyeol left after giving a heartfelt pat on Jongin’s shoulder.

Then, there were two. 

The atmosphere was stiff. Kyungsoo shuffled to the side, allowing Jongin space to enter. He should have predicted such an incident would occur, especially after the avoidance he implored upon the pediatrician. Yet, his assumptions proved inadequate of that possibility. 

Jongin cleared his throat, successfully snapping Kyungsoo from his thoughts.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Kyungsoo asked as he cleared the table of their plates and glasses.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Jongin stated with certainty. Kyungsoo’s motions hesitated while he placed the items in the sink, but he continued doing so as though his heart hadn’t just skipped. 

“I have not,” He said with a nonchalance to his voice, though he inwardly berated himself. He never lied to Jongin, not one time in all of their years of friendship. This was monumental, and he didn’t think he possessed the courage to lie, yet it rolled of his tongue with ease. Would it have been so easy months ago?

“Soo,” Jongin called, “ You are. You haven’t answered all of my texts, only the ones dealing with the wedding, and you also don’t pick up your phone like you used to,”

Who knew it was easy to lie but difficult to maintain that fabrication without being caught within a web of deception. Where was the line drawn between an untruth statement that did harm and one which did not? Did it lie with the principle of the fabrication split into two separate roles: the liar, and the one being lied to? Point of view? Where did lying begin and where did it end? Because Kyungsoo didn’t know how to lie. Not to Jongin. 

But, he did.

“Work just has me swamped, and I’ve just been really busy,” If busy was synonymous for hanging out with Chanyeol and Baekhyun, then yes, Kyungsoo was busy. However, with his main focus on Jongin’s wedding, his workload has decreased immensely. Business was busy for others, but Kyungsoo found that he had more free time which he spent wallowing alone in self-pity. 

“I know work is busy, but that’s never stopped you before. I just want to know what’s going on with you…” Jongin reached out to grab his shoulder, and Kyungsoo’s eyes flew up to a gaze that was now aligned with his, “It’s not the wedding getting to you?” Jongin asked. 

Indeed, that was the very thing getting to him. If only Jongin knew the effect that the wedding had over him. But this was Jongin, his Jongin--a dear friend, and a man he knew would never be his. There was no need for false hope and blind faith, he wouldn't humor his mind’s fantasy any longer.

“It’s nothing really.” He offered a weak smile. “I just have some things going on at home. My mom has been sick these days, and well, I’ve been checking up on her. Between work and saxophone classes, I just haven’t been able to reply to your message. I’m sorry about that,” 

Jongin’s face eased, eyes softening with traces of sympathy, “How is she? I know you told me she has lupus. So is it serious?”

Kyungsoo waved a hand to ease his worry, “She’s fine, really. But I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” He paused, “The wedding...is coming up, so you have many things to worry about,”

“That’s why I got you,” Jongin used the hand resting on his shoulder and patted down twice, “I have nothing to worry about because you’re the best at what you do.” He chuckled, and Kyungsoo joined him with a laughter that sounded dry even to his own ears, it made him cringe. The pain stung inside his chest because Jongin relied on him, and he had been avoiding him.

“So, is that all you wanted to ask about?” 

Jongin shrugged, “Yea, pretty much,” He sighed, “I just really miss you Kyungsoo.” There was gentleness in the smile on Jongin’s lips which made his heart flip. Just when he thought he could move on, there that smile was to tell him otherwise. 

“I’ve missed you too,” Kyungsoo said. His smile lacked the sincerity of the other’s, but it was a smile nonetheless. 



July 17th,

Today was...what really happened today? I don’t really remember I just wanted to write because I’m barely holding on. I’ve lied to Jongin now. I’ve lied to him many times after that and I hate it. I didn’t want things to get this bad, but I continue to lie. It’s easy now. I don’t have to think twice about it. It feels like I’m slowly dying inside. I haven’t slept right in weeks, I haven’t eaten right either. Chanyeol helped a bit but when he leaves, I think about Jongin again. It just won’t stop. I’ll do anything to make it stop. 
I need help.







The rush of his feet over the carpet alerted the people within the office of his delayed entrance into the building. It was the fourth time this week Kyungsoo had arrived late to work. It became a natural occurrence, only this time, his clothing style was off. The planner he usually lugged around was missing along with the natural air of sophistication that cloaked his body. Instead, a dusky haze of chaos embodied a person who used to exude order and control. 

Baekhyun didn’t have to confront him about his abnormal behavior because Kyungsoo came to the planner for the very first time.

“I need your help,” Kyungsoo said as he charged inside Baekhyun’s office. The office was smaller in size and adorned with less expensive decorations. Baekhyun sat frozen in his chair at his desk with wide shocked eyes. Kyungsoo rolled his own, “Baekhyun, I know you heard me.” He tapped his foot and folded his arms over his chest.

“Oh how the tables have turned,” Baekhyun said smugly before clearing his throat, “First, how dare you come into my office without knocking?” The audacity of this fool. Kyungsoo could strangle him. His tongue was set on speaking, but Baekhyun interrupted, “Second.” He quickly held up two fingers, “What the hell are you wearing?” His face scrunched with displeasure, and Kyungsoo looked over his disarray of garments before sighing. 

“Baek--”

“Ah!” Baekhyun held up a third finger, “Third, I know you don’t expect me to help you without paying for my services. I take my payments in monster drinks, bananas or a raise. You get twice the help with the raise. I think it’s about time that I got a promotion around here.” Baekhyun pushed back the invisible glasses atop of his nose. 

“Are you done?” Kyungsoo glared, Baekhyun nodded.

“Oh! Wait!” Baekhyun fished for his phone inside his pocket. When he found it, he held the phone up toward Kyungsoo, “Can we start from the top as you rush inside the room asking for help,”

“Baekhyun,”

“You have to really sell it, give it to me Soo,”

“Baekhyun!”

“Alright fine, fine.” He hurried and snapped a photo of Kyungsoo, who continued to glare. “For safe keeping. So what’s wrong?” 

Kyungsoo sighed once again before taking a seat in one of the chairs, “I need to move on,”

“From Jongin?” 

“Yes,” 

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

“I can’t keep doing this to myself, I just want it to stop,”

“Soo, I can take over at any moment, you know that,”

“No, no. I want to see this through.” Kyungsoo shifted in his seat, “But could you be there for the wedding?”

“I wouldn’t miss it, I was invited too.” Baekhyun smiled tight lipped, “Hey, I have an idea,”

“Just say it,”

“Okay, so to get over an old love, you have to find a new love, right?” Kyungsoo nodded slowly, relatively knowing where Baekhyun was going with this, “Well, for you, we need to find someone you’re willing to date. Let’s set you up for some blind dates!”

“I don’t think that will work,”

“It’s worth a try, Kyungsoo.” The use of his full name made Kyungsoo’s eyes snap to the other, “I just really don’t want to continue seeing you like this, so give it a try, will you?”

Blind dates were unpredictable and uncontrollable, and he never liked the combination of those two things. It was never easy to accept someone new into his life, let alone, someone who he was to engage with romantically. This treaded upon unknown territory, a place he wasn’t sure he was ready to embark toward.

“Let me think about it,”

“Alright, but that’s all I can really think of at the moment. If I come up with something else to help, I’ll let you know,”

“Thanks Baekhyun,”

“Anytime, Soo.” He smiled, and Kyungsoo gave him a crooked grin before leaving the office.






While at home in the middle of an audiobook, someone knocked on his door. He glanced at the clock and it was late, nearing 10 p.m and no one ever came over this late. As he pulled the door open, it revealed a sullen looking Jongin before him. The glimmer inside of his eyes was greatly dimmed along with his usual cheery demeanor. Jongin appeared weary, limbs weighed down from an unseen force. It alarmed Kyungsoo. 

“Jongin, what’s wrong?” His heart pounded and his mind spun with scenarios of the wedding being called off. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind and felt disgusted with himself. The notion of a broken wedding brought him a small bout of happiness. And what kind of person felt joy at their friend’s torment?

In silence, Jongin walked further inside and sat on the couch. After closing the door, Kyungsoo joined him on the sofa and waited. He waited for what felt like hours, days, and months. Jongin sat with a gaze trained on the floor, eyes never moving. Kyungsoo wanted to console him but refrained from doing so. Touching Jongin would only lead him to wanting more, and he didn’t need that right now. 

“Jongin…” He called in a soft tone. The man made no move to acknowledge that he heard anything, and Kyungsoo thought to try again, “Jongin?”

“Should I be doing this?” He asked, voice low and uncertain, “Should I get married?”

Kyungsoo was taken aback from the hesitant and unsure gaze that landed upon his. Jongin never appeared so lost, and gathered in his eyes were bountiful questions and insecurities.

It utterly shocked Kyungsoo. Certain of Jongin’s decision, he thought the groom-to-be didn’t possess any doubts and was free from worries. But here, Jongin sat, apprehension shrouding his features in a twisted expression of repressed pain. 

How ironic. The person Jongin asked of such advice was the very person who never wanted the wedding to happen. 

The CEO’s mind blanked and blanked. Then, suddenly, thoughts of persuading Jongin to call it off assaulted his mind. Over and over, it nagged at him to take the presented opportunity and tell Jongin how he truly felt. To spill every emotion he held toward Jongin and assert his wishes. If there was any chance to grant his ultimate wish, it was in this very moment.

But, there was trust. 

There was trust, loyalty and honesty exchanged between their stares while Jongin waited on Kyungsoo to reply.

“What should I do?” Jongin pulled him from his thoughts. 

As he looked into Jongin’s eyes once again, he saw the man he loved. The man he would do anything for and sacrifice everything for. How could he ever let this man down? How could he ever allow Jongin to feel pain? He would accept the pain and agony in his place instead. Always and forever, there was no other way. This split second allowed his thoughts to change.

“Do you love her?”

Jongin took a moment before he replied, “Yes, I do,”

There was a piercing stab delivered to his heart, but Kyungsoo pushed forward, “Then…” The stability of his voice faltered, “I think you should marry her,”

“But what if we end up divorcing? What if we aren’t right for each other?” Jongin's eyes searched his for answers; answers Kyungsoo did not have; answers he never wanted to have. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and swallowed back the bile crawling up his throat from what he was about to say. 

“Jongin, it’s just getting close to the wedding date and you have cold feet. If you love her, then it’s meant to be. You aren’t careless, I know that. So I think you should move forward because you guys are suited for each other,”

“You think so?”

“I don’t think so, I know so.” Kyungsoo dropped his gaze. 

“Thank you Kyungsoo,” Jongin placed a hand on his knee which made him flinch, “I don’t know what I would do without you,”

“You would have a mental breakdown and then eat lots of ice cream.” Kyungsoo attempted to lighten the mood and it was somewhat successful. With the small smile on Jongin’s face, he could relax.

“You’re probably right, and then I would watch horrible scary movies,”

“You don’t like scary movies,”

“Exactly,” Jongin said as he stood to leave, “But, I don’t have to do any of that since you’re here,”

“Right.” Kyungsoo walked him to the door. 

“Thank you, I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Yea, of course.” Kyungsoo waved him goodbye, and Jongin left out the door.

He ended the night in deep thought, and it wasn’t until hours later when the subtle tingle in his knee subsided.




Kyungsoo hurried to Baekhyun’s office the next morning. When inside, he said, “Set them up,” Baekhyun only grinned with a curt nod, and Kyungsoo sighed. 

He hoped this was the right decision. 




The scent of cooked sirloin wafted his nose as he awaited his dates arrival. When she finally presented herself, he noted her outstanding beauty and grace. The woman had lengthy legs and her hair was a wispy blonde in a simple wavy style. Her dress hugged her figure fashionably, it flowed to her toes and brushed against the carpet as she walked. The streaks of makeup were done conservatively, giving her a natural feel, and her smile was absolutely blinding. She was the daughter of Mr. Lee who owned a wood product manufacturing company which garnered many customers.

Kyungsoo would applaud her fashion sense and appearance had he not been focused on the dissimilarities between her and Jongin. They were on different sides of the spectrum, whereas Jongin was tactful and thoughtful, she was outgoing and straightforward. The woman, Yuri, began most of their conversations while he listened and nodded his head. He let out streams of uh huh, oh, and is that right?, from his lips.

All of what she said traveled in one ear and out the other. Though not his intention, he found it difficult to keep up with her when his ability to care was at the lowest possible level. She was lovely, no doubt about it. Yet, she wasn’t what he was looking for, and he determined that this date was a failure. 

“I’m sorry, Yuri. But I don’t think we will work out.” 

That night, he began his travel home with thoughts of digressing and giving up on dating all together. The person who held him back was indeed none other than himself, he knew. However, moving forward terrified him. 

Was he prepared to rid these emotions completely? Was he ready to give up on Jongin when he knew he hadn’t given his all?

He made a stop at a gas station. Acting on impulse, he hurried to the alcohol section and bought three bottles of wine. He remembered Baekhyun mentioning the potency of the brand. 

Not one to typically drink alcohol, he felt confused about how he ended up paying for the liquor; confused about how its contents was now poured into a glass as he sat on his couch. It felt like he had no control over his limbs and they moved without warrant. 

He sipped on the first glass until there was nothing left. The next glass, he threw back and squinted his eyes as the liquid settled inside his stomach. It began to take effect on him when he attempted to stand, but flopped back onto the sofa from the unyielding spins of the room. Even though he was well on his way to being incredibly drunk, he continued to guzzle down the wine until sleep overtook his senses.




Acting like a gentlemen was second nature to him. Yet, the woman made it awfully difficult to sustain a level of decorum with her brash nature. She was unpleasant, in the mildest terms. Kyungsoo didn’t like her the moment she sat within their small booth. Usually, he granted others the benefit of the doubt, first impressions were most likely wrong. However, he strayed from that kind of thinking during this date. 

Hyorin was her name, a beauty indeed. However, her manners were nonexistent, and she was needlessly loud. Kyungsoo found humor in her words, but he knew they wouldn’t match well, her opinionated and forceful ways strongly outweighed her comedic side. 

Everything was fine until she ordered his meal for him, without knowing which dishes he actually liked. She never listened to whatever he said, and she hummed in reply before changing the subject. Kyungsoo gave a truthful attempt here since he needed to redeem himself from the first date. But it was utterly impossible. 

By the end of dinner, he was mentally and physically drained from all the fake smiling.

“I’m sorry, Hyorin. But I just don’t think we match well together.”





Somewhere along the lines, he failed to realize that comparisons occurred whether he wanted them to or not. He attempted to keep them at bay, but they slipped through his conscience anyway. 

On every date he attended so far, he compared that person to Jongin. With his friend’s absence, he realized how much Jongin suited his style. Though these dates were supposed to help him forget the pediatrician, they had an opposing effect.

The dates proved how well Jongin matched his personality. This could be a result of their numerous years together, but Kyungsoo rather chalk it up to being simply right for each other. 

His heart yearned for someone similar to Jongin, yet different all at the same time. Someone who maintained a sense of warmth but in a unique way that would allow him to be captured within their grasp.

There was hope when he met his date, Jiae. She had short raven layered hair, and to his surprise, rectangular rimmed glasses. Her black dress was knee length and she appeared quite refreshing to Kyungsoo. Maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad date after all.

It began fairly well. They conversed about their jobs and aspirations in life and a little of their past. Kyungsoo found himself laughing at her sense of humor, and smiling when she stuttered. She felt safe, someone who was lovable, caring, and down to Earth. 

She was, in all essence, everything he could hope for in a life partner. Yet, there weren’t any emotions that drew him in. There wasn’t anything that stood out to claim that she was the one. There were plenty of women like her on the planet, and what made her so special that she stood above the rest?

His emotions clung to Jongin for so long that he didn’t know how to appreciate someone like her. He didn’t see her as he didn’t truly see his other dates. All he beheld was a measly attempt to forget someone that he lost but hadn’t even owned in the first place. 

He realized that he’d fallen too deep, and maybe, he didn’t want to get up. 
 

“I’m sorry to say this, but I just don’t think we will work out. Jiae, I’m sorry that you had to accompany me this evening.” 

 

The words haunt him as he continues to drink glass after glass. He still chases after the numb feeling but never reaches it. It’s with his fifth drink that a clatter sounds in the eerie quietness, his eyes still blurred and cheeks stained with streaks of tears. He is pulled from his memories by the shatter, and he looks down to see the contents flowing across his coffee table, faint ripples waving in the small pool of liquor. 

Similar to that of a puddle. 

The glass smashed as it slipped from between drunken fingertips. Without thought, he grabs the bottle, and brings the rim to his lips before continuing his pursuit of that numbing sleep he longs for. It doesn’t take long before blackness edges along the white of his eyes, encompassing him in an evasive slumber which he succumbs to without hesitation.

A/N: Chapter 3!  Soo is breaking down, spiraling into a dark place. We're back at the beginning scene, which continues on from this moment forward. Comments and feedback are much appreciated!