Chapter 1
The Woes Of The Heart
“I’m sorry to say this, but I just don’t think we will work out. Jiae, I’m sorry that you had to accompany me this evening.” Kyungsoo lowers his head. Looking the woman in her eyes, after rejecting any chances of a future relationship, isn’t a privilege he could indulge in right now.
This is his third date within the span of two weeks, and it ends just the same as the others--in rejection: in a silent night of deep loneliness as he solemnly drives to his high rise apartment.
Luckily, the women who accompanied him on such outings have been well mannered and sophisticated. Though filled with anger and confusion, his dates never acted upon such intrinsic emotions.
Kyungsoo knows that his efforts to find a female partner are futile, his uality could never unravel into a straight line. He lingers along the perimeters of biual, when truthfully, the intense proclivity he has for his gender is directed toward one male.
Alone, he sits in his spacious, white accented living room and sips from a glass of wine. Tonight, it’s him drifting along the melancholic melodies of smooth blues, his partner in another drawn out night. After crawling through another failed date, he discovers the confines of his apartment are more comforting and soothing. It wraps him in a cloak of warmth as his lissome figure rests on an off-white couch.
The first sip he takes is contemplative and slow, he swallows the fermented liquid sparsely. While he takes his fifth sip, his lips subtly tremble around the tip of the glass and he barely consumes the wine. When taking his ninth sip, he feels the streaks of moist tears glide down his cheeks and fall onto his silk shirt.
It’s not enough, and he guzzles the remainder of the drink before pouring himself another glass and then another.
He searches for the numb feeling which alcohol could provide to cease the torment within his head. He wishes for the tortuous breathing to halt, and for his breaths to bend around the lump lodged inside of his throat. He longs for the peaceful dreams that once manifested while he slept to return, but the bags under his eyes grow from the nightmares which are steadily playing instead.
The merciless ache present within his chest has yet to subside when he desires for nothing else for months now. It blares inside on high volume reigning over his mind’s yells and screams which desperately beg and plead for it to stop beating--to stop waiting, aspiring and craving for that which is not his. That which will never be his.
True love.
For true love is found with the person who owns your heart. Yet, the person who has ownership of Kyungsoo’s beating organ has no knowledge of his possession. And Kyungsoo couldn’t allow him that awareness, frightened that the fall of an Empire would follow thereafter; an Empire built on the numerous years of their friendship which would crumble to the ground if his feelings were ever acknowledged.
That’s how Kyungsoo finds himself drowning his sorrows, wallowing in self-degradation and dwelling in loneliness. His eyes glisten with tears as he remembers when this living nightmare initially began…
5 months earlier
Repetition; the recurrence of a certain action or event that one repeated daily or weekly.
Kyungsoo experienced repetition every day.
His schedule was identical, nothing fell short or out of place. And if said instance were to happen, he accommodated immediately so that his time would not be wasted. Productivity was his motto. He lived with a strict mindset of getting things done--and done correctly.
It came as no surprise that he mapped out his life into short instances of compartmentalize duties. The morning routine consisted of waking up at exactly 6 a.m. Going for a thirty minute jog around the nearby park followed immediately after. He returned to his apartment no later than 6:40 and relished in the saunatec warmth of a muscle relaxing shower. Bathing beneath the water pellets lasted twenty minutes before he dried himself off and applied business attire.
His occupation demanded a rather responsible style, where black slacks and silk polyester button downs were his required staples. Having ownership of his own event planning company named ‘Magnificient Moments’ allowed him the luxury to control his finances, let alone those who worked underneath him.
Although he was the executive of such an establishment, he set the bar high with impeccable examples of arriving to work thirty minutes before his appointed work time at 9 a.m. He never took leave or a sick day off. His schedule was impeccably pristine in the eyes of many, and they followed in his lead with the utmost respect toward a perfectionist of his caliber as due.
As he walked toward his office, there was a light swing to his step and low hums rumbled underneath his breath. The receptionist, Luna, at the front desk greeted him with a smile, and he returned it curtly. No need for small talk of ‘hellos’ because Kyungsoo didn't have time to afford for such colloquy.
He planned his mornings, evenings and nights, and everything must go accordingly. A miniscule deviation rendered his day unsatisfactory and left the man anxiety-ridden and restless. Therefore, any attempts to maintain his schedule were paramount.
Yet, there was one factor which Kyungsoo had no qualms with accepting. It came as a blast of wind blowing through his serene and contemplative nature. An immense earthquake crumpling and tearing away at the very fabric of his soul until he could do nothing but cave into every plea and favor.
This determinant was his dearest friend, Jongin.
Like a drug, Jongin was an addiction Kyungsoo simply refused to quit; a toxin which seeped into his bloodstream and traveled throughout the veins that delivered the plasma to his internal organs. The very organs which allowed him to live.
Jongin gave him life.
There was no one on Earth who Kyungsoo loved more purely, unconditionally, and passionately. Through the conversations held with his heart, he learned that it merely sought what it desired. No interference of the brain could rid the immense emotions deeply ingrained within his heart. Though he hadn’t attempted other romantic relationships, he knew they would never be successful. Far too deeply and intensely did he feel for Jongin and rightfully so, because the man was undeniably precious.
Precious in who he was, whatever he did, and wherever he went. Jongin was warm and loving, free and bright--everything pure within this world and everyone important in one’s life. Being a pediatrician made him so: a doctor to children, a teacher to parents on how to take proper care of their kids, a dear friend to his coworkers.
Jongin was the man he coveted, the sole human being who owned every facet of his heart. However, he hid his emotions deep inside, and never allowed them to visit the surface.
Yet, when the puddles of his life began to ripple outward, a storm drew near that he didn’t take heed of, until it was too late.
“Luna, I need to know which flower shop will deliver the order of asters and lilies. Please call back with that information as soon as possible.”
“Yes, Mr. Do.”
Kyungsoo heavily sighed before hanging up the phone. He inclined back in his office chair and took a minute break from all that occupied his thoughts.
There were three weddings just around the corner which needed to be planned meticulously. His company's reputation was at stake because one of his clients was the Prime Minister and his fiance.
Baekhyun’s idiotic aptitude told him that he could book three weddings without a hitch. But as the days dwindled and time became sparse, the undutiful wedding planner found himself buried under more work than he could handle. Which left Kyungsoo to lend a helping hand, since this was his company after all.
As he rummaged through the files on his desk, there was a heavy knock on the door. He ordered for that person to enter without sparing the entryway a glance.
“Hey Kyungsoo, how’s it going?”
“Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo lifted his head and blinked twice before his face contorted in confusion, “Why are you here?”
The taller male shrugged, “You weren’t answering my calls. It’s almost like you’ve been avoiding me,” He said as he took a seat in one of the two chairs nestled in front of Kyungsoo’s dark oakwood desk.
“I have not been avoiding you.” His mother told him to never lie, but in the face of perseverance, he deemed it an appropriate reason. He had indeed been avoiding the man.
Chanyeol was a nice guy, an accountant, and their friendship bridged over several years now having met in their last year of college. However, Kyungsoo held no interest in the romantic affinity Chanyeol harbored toward him. It was quite evident that Chanyeol favored him, he knew all too well when those puppy eyes stared, and his hands became touchy.
Unfortunately for Chanyeol, Kyungsoo didn’t want to date right now. In truth, he never wanted to date anyone beside Jongin, but the likelihood of such an occurrence was irreconcilably low. So he banked on remaining single until his parents buckled down and laid it straight with the ‘we want grandchildren’ conversation.
It wasn’t that relationships weren’t of importance, but he had other matters which were more imperative. At the current moment, his company flourished smoothly and everything went according to his plan. He’d rather save himself the heartache and pain of jumping into something he wasn’t ready to commit to.
“You have,” Chanyeol sighed, “Look, I know you aren’t going to tell me your reason for being single, but I’m not giving up on you just like that. So pick up the phone or get a new number,” Chanyeol was painstakingly straightforward which was one of the many attributes Kyungsoo admittedly fancied about him.
However, too much honesty had it drawbacks, like in this very moment.
“Great. Thanks for telling me,” Kyungsoo grinned, “I had no immediate plans of adopting a new phone number, however, for such a good friend, I could, definitely make an exception. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to finish.” He stood from his desk and gestured for Chanyeol to do the same. To his dismay, the man remained still in the chair and didn’t budge an inch. Kyungsoo inwardly groaned. With an already delayed schedule due to Baekhyun, there was no time to deal with Chanyeol’s stubbornness. He also had a cake tasting with the caterers in one hour. “Will you leave if I promise to call you?” An empty promise, he knew, but Kyungsoo would say anything to convince him to leave.
“You promise?” Chanyeol peered up with adorable puppy eyes which had absolutely no effect on Kyungsoo.
Exhaling a sigh, he replied, “Yes, I promise.” With those words, Chanyeol flashed him a wide grin and rose to his feet to leave the room.
Not even a second later, Baekhyun blasted through his door with a monster drink and two bananas. Kyungsoo didn’t even want to know how he managed to eat them both at the same time.
“I need your help,” Baekhyun said, and Kyungsoo fought the urge to reply with snark.
“I’m helping you more than I should when you got yourself into this mess.” He returned to his desk and began sorting files into a folder. Every client had a folder which consisted of their plans and vendors for the particular event.
“I know, I know, but this one. I really need your help, Soo,”
“The employer to employee line has to be drawn somewhere,”
“You love that nickname,”
“Who lied to you?”
“Anyway.” Baekhyun guzzled the remainder of the can before tossing into the trash bin, “Like I was saying, there’s another client…”
“Another one?!” Kyungsoo’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.
“Touchy, touchy.” Baekhyun waved a hand, “This is an event planning agency, Mr. Do. We have many clients, I thought you would be happy!”
“Not when you’re stacking on so many clients, it becomes hard to keep up. Why not give your client to Kris? I’m sure he could handle it,”
“That douchebag? Pssh, as if he could.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes.
“Said douchebag brings in more clientele than you, I can assure,”
“Okay fine,” He hissed, “I’ll ask Kris, but it doesn’t mean I’ll be happy about it.”
“And why should I care about your happiness?” Kyungsoo’s face scrunched in faux confusion.
“The friend to friend line is wavering.” Baekhyun poked fun with a curl of his upper lip.
Kyungsoo glared, “Get out of my office, I have work to do,”
“We should go out for drinks sometime this week,”
“Baekhyun, I don't drink, you know this,”
“But still, maybe it will loosen up all of that,” The planner made aimless hand gestures toward Kyungsoo.
“Baekhyun!” He snapped.
“You got it boss!” Baekhyun chirped before dipping out of the door. Not a second past before his golden strands of hair peeked inside Kyungsoo’s door once again, “Oh, and Kyungsoo,” Said male lifted his head, “Tell Jongin I said ‘hello.’” Baekhyun added with a good natured wink or possibly a mocking one. He slipped out the door just before the pen Kyungsoo threw collided with his face.
The pink swarming under Kyungsoo’s cheeks flared but died down within seconds. He regretted ever informing Baekhyun of his unrequited love. But the planner had his tactful and persuasive ways, he would give him that. It was one of the reasons why he hired Baekhyun.
His work day came to a close after the meeting, and the evening portion of his schedule commenced shortly after he retired from work.
Every evening, Kyungsoo visited the hospital which was a fifteen minute commute from his building. From there, he picked up Jongin and headed to their customary dinner. Often times, they ate at one or the other’s apartment. However, on some nights, they explored dining out and found themselves sitting inside a restaurant.
Admittedly, this was Kyungsoo’s favorite time of the day, and within his planner, there was a star marked next to his time spent with Jongin. Today, they ventured into the dishes of romantic Italy at a diner which specialized in pasta cuisine.
Jongin chuckled, “You’re making that face again.”
“What face?” He asked, perplexed.
“That one you make when it’s a really good dish and you can’t contain it. Did you have a good day today?” Jongin twirled his fork into the angel hair pasta.
Kyungsoo pondered that he was having a “better” day now that he was with Jongin. Yet, he concluded the events preceding their customary gathering weren’t all too bad.
“Yes, yes I did. How about you? Any kids to worry about?”
“Well, there was this one kid who suffers from epilepsy,”
“Oh,” Kyungsoo’s tone became saddened.
“No, he’s doing okay, better. His name is Minseok.” Jongin used a napkin to wipe his mouth, “He wouldn’t stop crying today, so I tried everything I could to make him laugh but nothing worked,”
“You’re not a clown Jongin and your jokes ,”
The other looked affronted, “My jokes aren’t that bad,”
“Lay one on me,”
“Alright then.” Jongin pursed his lips as he thought of a joke. He piped up moments later with a mischievous grin, “A man didn’t like his haircut, but it started to grow on him,”
Kyungsoo stared, “Jong--”
“Okay, okay…” He interjected, “Then how about, what do you call a pig that does karate?”
“Oh I don’t know, what do you call him?” Kyungsoo reached for his glass of water on the table.
“A pork chop!” Jongin nearly yelled.
Kyungsoo abruptly spluttered the water from his mouth onto the table. He hurriedly dabbed it with a napkin, cursing himself for having the galls to drink at a time of humor. Stupidity slipped through his actions when in the presence of Jongin.
The pediatrician laughed loud, his eyes curved into half moons with the deepest set of crinkles forming myriads of small lines out the corner of his eyes. Jongin’s face settled into a permanent smile after, and Kyungsoo didn't resist the urge to grin at the sight of such gleaming radiance. Jongin was infectious.
“Jongin, it’s not that funny,” He said as he peered into those amused chestnut irises which glistened with tears now.
“It really is, I have to tell Jiyoon about this,”
Kyungsoo’s smile faltered, the corners of his lips drooped ever so slightly at the mention of Jongin’s friend. It was nothing major, he assumed. Jongin brought her around on a few occasional outings. She was a beautiful red haired girl, very cordial and sensible. Jiyoon was a residential hospice nurse, one of the many nurses who worked alongside Jongin in the Seoul hospital.
Often times, she lingered around the front of the hospital with Jongin when Kyungsoo arrived. Very sparingly did they speak to each other with formal ‘hellos’ and premature ‘goodbyes’, mainly from the lack of partiality Kyungsoo possessed toward the woman. Within her own merit, she was ideal and loving, but when associated with Jongin, she became a threat; an exemplary warning.
Despite his disdain, he knew Jongin liked her. And whoever was a friend of Jongin, was a friend of his, “Oh, how is she doing?” The question squeezed out in one breath; a wasted breath which will never return.
“Fine, fine. She’s working on a thesis at the moment and is swamped with work but we still hang out,” Jongin said as he sipped from a glass of iced tea.
Great, Kyungsoo thought. Jiyoon remained occupied with work related duties and consequently, Jongin had more free time to bond with him. Selfish as his thoughts seemed, that was one flaw Kyungsoo was willing to look beyond, well aware that his love for Jongin reigned higher than such a narcissistic attribute.
“So I’ve picked up a new hobby,” Jongin said.
“And that is?” Kyungsoo arched a quizzical brow.
“Knitting,” He grinned, satisfied and haughty, almost as though he was bragging. Kyungsoo nearly suppressed the swell of humor that threatened to burst through his lips as roaring laughter. It was so incredibly Jongin that he was beside himself.
“Knitting, huh? Seems very...Domestic,” He said, for lack of better terminology, “Why knitting?” Kyungsoo lopsidedly grinned.
Jongin shrugged, “It gives me peace, you know? Dealing with kids can be very stressing. So sometimes I like to sit back and knit. What about you? Anything new lately going on?”
Aside from the constant pestering from Chanyeol and his forever present fighting spirit, there wasn’t much of anything, “Well, nothing really. Work has me busy as always. Baekhyun took on too many clients this time and I’m helping him out,”
“Mr. CEO is finally doing some work,” Jongin chuckled, “I may have a favor for you soon,”
“Really? I wonder what it could be.” Kyungsoo contemplated over his words, briefly stringing thoughts along inside his mind to what Jongin could be referring to. Stumped, he dismissed the thoughts with a shrug of nonchalance, “I’m sure I can handle it,”
“I know you can.” The reassurance in Jongin’s voice may have caused the tiniest smile to spread on his cheeks. He willed it back down, knowing that it must be ridiculous to smile this much. “I’ll even make you a scarf for the winter, though that’s months from now,”
“I’m not sure I trust your skills enough for that,”
“Just wait and see.” Jongin displayed that charming smile which made him swoon just a bit more.
“The scarf has to be red and blue, checkered with polka dots, and stripes,” Kyungsoo said with a playful gleam in his eyes.
“Challenge accepted.” Jongin nodded with an airy chuckle.
Surrendering, he replied, “Okay.”
They spent the remainder of their evening in light chatter and easy laughs flowing through the small facility.
As planned, their night out ended at 9 p.m, and Kyungsoo pulled into the underground parking lot for his apartment building no later than 9:30. With a beep of his keys, he locked his Mercedes and used the elevator to the sixth floor.
After an outing with Jongin, he played smooth jazz throughout his home while preparing for bed. This would be considered the night time portion of his daily routine.
He took another shower, though half the time shorter, before he brushed his teeth and picked an outfit to wear for the next day. After sorting out his attire, he then proceeded to his planner and checked off the list of meetings, consultations and bookings that he accomplished today. It served as a reminder that he made headway and moved forward. The daunting need to be productive hung over him in a thick veil. If the satisfaction wasn’t there, it unsettled his sleep and ruined his days.
The best part of this routine was documenting everything that happened in his diary. It was a favorite pastime of his which allowed him to recollect his emotions and displayed his growth. When reading previous journal entries, he relived the moments and cringed at the naivete shown, or the foolery there. More often than not, he found himself laughing at his past self.
His diary entries ranged back to the early days of highschool, just before he met Jongin in his sophomore year. Jongin was a freshman at the time, back in ‘the good old days.’ He briefly reminisced as he dug through the night stand drawer beside his bed.
Books upon books were neatly arranged into the drawer, and Kyungsoo pulled out the most recent addition: an ivory book with a golden line traveling down the side. He opened it to the last entry before picking up the ballpoint pen on his nightstand. And then, he began to write.
Thursday, March 24th, 2016
On this day,
Today was as good as any other except for Baekhyun and his mess. I was in a bad mood when he told me about all of those clients. I can’t believe he booked three people at the same time! He needs to get himself together, he’s been a wedding planner for five years now. I honestly don’t know why I hired him. I felt better when I had dinner with Jongin, which was nice like always. I had blackened shrimp for the first time. It tasted very good maybe I should get it next time. Jongin had his usual regular spaghetti and nothing else. I knew he would pick that, he’s so simple. But that's what I love about him. It’s funny how he claims mine is the best in Korea, I’ll never forget it. Maybe I should cook some for him again soon. It’s been awhile.
I miss him already.
I hope he sleeps well.
I better get to sleep myself.
The day is over.
-DKS
Friday, March 25th, 2016
On this day,
I woke up this morning five minutes before my alarm. And today while at work, I got in contact with the caterers for the prime minister and talked to the vendors for the wedding. I was able to satisfy everyone’s needs and secure the banquet hall and catering service. It felt great, someone is getting married and that’s always a good thing.
Baekhyun’s antics struck again when he made fun of my Armani suit. Calling me a sellout for not choosing Gucci. I think he’s just angry about not owning one himself. The cheapskate. He spends his money on energy drinks and junk food. I could never. No wonder he’s drowning in his own stupidity.
Jongin surprised me when he stopped by my company and brought lunch for us to eat together. It made me really happy and bubbly, but I couldn’t let him know. He’s busy being a doctor and helping kids, but I couldn’t help feeling special. Especially when I saw my personal favorite, macaroni and cheese. He even brought a pack of shredded cheddar. In our fifteen years of friendship, this moment is the one that almost made me want to cry. But I won’t tell Jongin that. What would he think of that time he flew us out to Paris?
I hope he cooks for us again, it was really cheesy. Ha. Cheesy. Just like him.
I hope he sleeps well again and gets enough rest.
It’s time for me to retire too.
The day is over.
-DKS
Kyungsoo’s weekends were expected and usual deviations from his weekday routine. He continued to rouse at the ungodly hour on Saturday morning, but instead of jogging around the park, he attended his saxophone lesson.
He admired those who played woodwind instruments. It took incredible skill, a sense of grace, and a nice pair of lungs. He paid homage to the tenor saxophonists, Coleman Hawkins, whenever the opportunity presented itself. Being a fan of such talent spurred him into learning this instrument.
Which is why on this day, he parked outside of Yoli’s Studio to learn more of his craft. His lessons spanned over two years with sparse breaks in between. He hadn’t made it to expert level, but he took rightful pride in what he accomplished thus far.
Jongdae, his teacher and friend, was a very peculiar fellow. Donning a fashion of the early 1920s, he entered the session with narrow pants the color of pale yellow. The suspenders over his shoulder were brown, and a navy polkadotted bowtie completed the picturesque ensemble. The only thing missing was a striped vest or jacket and he’d appear to have sauntered out The Great Gatsby.
The curly hair atop of Jongdae’s head was imperfectly tamed, giving him a couth prep appearance, complemented by the large simper furbishing high cheekbones. It didn’t require much thought for one to apprehend that this man absolutely adored his job, it showed through his care for his students.
Kyungsoo being one of them, came a long way, and Jongdae suggested that he performed during Jazz Amatuer Night downtown at Giulia's Lounge. Kyungsoo's perpetual shyness caused him to surrender any notions concerning performances before a large crowd. He never desired to do such a thing, nor attempt it, and politely declined every time.
Today was the same as any other.
“You’re really picking this up well, Kyungsoo. Are you sure you don’t want to perform? We have amatuer night and no one will dislike you, I’m sure.” Jongdae showered him with a charismatic smile followed by a wink. The kind gesture almost broke Kyungsoo’s restrictions but fell short of reaching the height of his anxiety.
Years of practise playing countermelodies helped him learn more aspects of music arrangement and eventually--improvisation. However, he remained uncertain about performing.
“I’m not sure, Dae. I don’t think I’m that good to be honest,”
“Nonsense.” Jongdae dismissed him with a wave of his hand, “Your sound reminds me of a mixture between Stan Getz and Doug Lawrence, warm and mellow but sometimes with a swing and bop that excites and pulls you in. There’s something there Kyungsoo, don’t sell yourself short.” He gave the CEO a reassuring pat on the back, and Kyungsoo offered a tiny grin.
He humored the idea of performing before an audience and what the results would be. Perhaps, a round of applause? A standing ovation would be asking far too much. Yet, he envisioned standing on the platform underneath the spying beams of light while he played a rendition of a classic jazz number. In all honesty, the vision was one of impact, but he wished to have the courage to do such a thing.
In the spur of the moment, he turned to look at Jongdae before leaving the class, “I’ll think about it…” Was all he said, and Jongdae responded with a delighted nod.
Kyungsoo left class that day with thoughts of performing at the forefront of his mind.
Later that evening while engaged in listening to his audiobook on his bed, he saw from the corner of his eye, the notification light on his cell phone blinking with a solid green color. A text message from Jongin displayed on his screen and three message from Chanyeol lied just below. Ignoring the messages from his pursuer, Kyungsoo read Jongin's immediately.
The pediatrician raved on and on about a carnival in town for the weekend. To Kyungsoo, it felt like forever since he attended the fair with Jongin. They used to visit them more so during their teenage years. Kyungsoo shot him a message of agreement and closed out the messaging app. He noted to text Chanyeol later.
The next morning, excitement raced through Kyungsoo’s body. He cleared his schedule for the entire Sunday; the usual day for the weekly cleaning of his apartment.
With high anticipation, he awaited Jongin’s arrival near the entrance of the carnival. In the past, they commonly met just before the booth where the tickets were sold. And similar to the past, Jongin showed up later than he did. To be fair, Kyungsoo possessed a tendency to arrive earlier than the agreed meeting time, he was wired that way with years of planning ingrained into his system.
Jongin made his grand appearance directly at noon, and Kyungsoo spotted his tufts of hazel wispy hair bounding toward him. He enthusiastically raised a hand with a bright smile adorning his cheeks.
Their day of fun began with a leisure stroll around the entire park. They noted all of the rides which they remembered from years ago. However, back then, their time was well spent at the gaming stalls. Much like today, it was impossible for Jongin to avoid the infamous ‘ring-toss’ booth. Rigged as it seemed, he was addicted to said game.
“Come on Jongin, you know they rig this, right?” Kyungsoo motioned toward the stall where a teenage boy listlessly stood smacking on a piece gum while manning the booth. Apparently, he didn’t find working on such a day favorable.
“I got this, Soo.” Jongin cocked his neck and rolled his shoulders. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes with a smile. Ten minutes later, Jongin still hadn’t won anything and was ten dollars shorter than before he started playing the game.
Their next stop was another gaming booth where they threw darts at colorful balloons. Kyungsoo lucked out and won a stuffed teddy bear. Brown in fur, the small plush form of mammal nestled into his arms perfectly. Jongin pouted cutely, and Kyungsoo decided to gift him the animal. He did anything for Jongin as long as it meant he would be happy.
Besides, Jongin reminded him of a bear anyway.
“Hey, want to get cotton candy?” Jongin asked.
“Yea, sure,”
After Jongin paid for two sticks of spun sugar, they settled down on a rectangular wooden bench and began eating. The eagerness within Jongin’s movements pulled a smile on Kyungsoo’s face. Jongin appeared happy to the core, radiantly smiling while immersed in chewing on the sugary treat.
“Jongin, you’re going to choke at this rate.” The other boisterously laughed, and confusion found Kyungsoo through the melodious songs of Jongin’s chuckles.
“You know,” Jongin smiled, “You said something similar before while we ate cotton candy,”
“I did?”
“You did,” Jongin sighed, “Here, open wide,” He pinched off a piece of the floss and leaned over to push it against Kyungsoo’s lips. The gesture was fairly intimate to Kyungsoo, who felt his body stiffen with nerves. Slowly, he parted his lips to allow the candy inside and Jongin hummed, “Good, isn’t it? That’s why I eat it so quickly,”
“You’re an addict,” Kyungsoo said before chewing.
“You told me that too. You haven’t changed,” Jongin snickered, “After all these years, you haven't changed…” Kyungsoo thought, on the contrary, some things have changed. His feelings for Jongin have grown deeper, he was certain, “I missed you back then you know…” Jongin tapered off, and a wave of stillness overcame them both. Melancholy drifted through their figures as unspoken memories poured into the nostalgic atmosphere.
“I missed you too, those six years weren’t the same,” Kyungsoo hung his head low, contemplative eyes running along the pavement before him.
“But look at us now. We’re both only 30, and you own an event planning company and I’m a pediatrician. We really accomplished our dreams.” The sense of awe in Jongin’s voice urged him to lift his head. When he did, his gaze instantly met delicate orbs in possession of identical sensations to his own.
“I’m proud of you, Jongin...” He gently exhaled, “I’m glad you came back,”
“Me too. And besides, I needed to come back,” An impish grin grew on Jongin’s face, “Because how else would I be able to hear your horrible saxophone skills?”
Kyungsoo’s mouth fell ajar and a gasp of disbelief pushed through his lips, “You did not just say my skills were horrible?” Jongin erupted in laughter, his head flew back, and his free palm pounded against his leg, “Keep on laughing, I see how it is. That’s why I won’t invite you to my performance.” At those words, Jongin’s thunderous laughter came to an abrupt stop. He darted his gaze toward Kyungsoo, who held a smug grin on his lips.
“You’re performing?!” Jongin’s eyes lit up with excitement that matched his joyful expression.
“Well, Jongdae has been really adamant about it and I’m thinking about it,”
“You should definitely do it!” He yelled. It was quite titillating when Jongin stared at him like that, with all the respect and admiration in the world. Kyungsoo fought the urge to smile with great effort, the slight dip of the corners of his lips prevented him from doing so.
“You think so?”
“Of course! You’re really good Soo, you know I was only joking before,”
Kyungsoo nodded, “Then, I will do it.”
“That’s great. I can’t wait,” He said before finishing off the remainder of his cotton candy. Kyungsoo barely touched his, he wasn’t a sweets guy by any stretch of the imagination. So when Jongin offered to finish it for him, he was eager to give it away. Briefly, he wondered could someone die from a sugar high because Jongin was quickly on his way to having one.
They tried their luck at a few more gaming stalls and casually walked around the carnival grounds while conversing with each other.
Nearing the time to leave, Jongin received a phone call. The person on the other end of the line was none other than Jiyoon. The nagging thoughts which advocated his selfishness surfaced in a flash, and it took everything Kyungsoo had not to interrupt their conversation. This was a day out with his friend, he didn’t like sharing his time with Jongin.
Yet, the weather wanted to irritate him all the same when he felt the smallest drop of rain hit his forehead. Another droplet fell onto his cheek and before he knew it, the rain poured down. In a rush to leave, Jongin lifted his jean jacket over their figures as they headed toward the parking lot.
When they reached outside the fair gates, Kyungsoo’s footsteps hesitated. He slowed his pace as he beheld the woman in the vehicle parked near the entrance. There, Jiyoon waited for them, and Jongin pulled him along toward the car.
Jiyoon rolled down the window, “Come on inside!” She shouted.
The dread pulsating within his limbs made Kyungsoo stop dead before the car. As Jongin entered the passenger side, he noticed Kyungsoo’s static frame.
“Hop on inside, Soo,”
The immense downpour of rain was long forgotten as the abominable feeling swelled inside the pits of Kyungsoo’s stomach.
He didn’t like this.
“No, you guys go on,” He yelled above the merciless pellets which made his voice nearly imperceptible. At this point, his clothes soaked up the rain like a sponge and weighed down against his body. Though he knew that it was raining and it would be logical to take the ride offered to him, he couldn't move. His feet cemented to ground refused to allow him that liberty.
“Are you sure?” Jongin’s eyes squinted in an expression of perturbation.
“Yea, I drove anyway, I’ll just walk to my car.” Kyungsoo replied, and Jongin gave him a nod before shutting the car door.
Kyungsoo watched with a heavy heart as the car drove away. Inside of his head, blaring crimson alarms set off, drowning out the rainstorm happening around him. Nothing stopped him from staring at the car as it grew smaller from the distance stretched between them. Only when the vehicle curved around a corner, did he allow the hollow feeling in his chest to subside.
Sunday, March 27th,
On this day,
Today was fun for the most part. It’s been so long since I went to a carnival with Jongin. I’ve missed that. We used to do it so much in high school. It’s nice to know some things don’t really change. But one thing bothered me about Jiyoon. I don’t know why Jongin…Anyway, I called Chanyeol back later and we actually had a nice talk without him hitting on me. I ended up cleaning much more than necessary again. It’s fine I guess, it distracted me for a while. I don’t know what to do with this feeling. It feels like something is about to happen and I’m not sure what.
My head is beginning to hurt, I should sleep this off.
Signing off for the night.
The day is over
-DKS
Unsettling thoughts roused him in the middle of the night. Kyungsoo hadn’t felt such disturbances in his sleep since his college days. Several years of his life passed without a hitch, his ability to plan allowed him to sleep in peace. But the tranquil puddle of his life experienced its first ripple within his dream, if he could call it that, it felt more like a nightmare. Anxiety of a storm brewing hit him full force, and he rose from his bed for the bathroom.
He flipped on the lights and ran cold water to splash against his face. Using a white towel, he patted down his cheeks and forehead before heading toward the kitchen for a glass of water.
After drinking two full glasses, he slipped back under the sheets and nestled in the warmth of his bed. Sleep didn’t come easy, but it came eventually, and this time around, he remained in his slumber.
The next week flew by in his usual fashion. Undeterred by the ominous feeling, he continued onward with his schedule like planned. There were meetings he attended along with client consultations. He arrived at work at the same time every morning and ended his nights after writing his journal entry of the day. Everything went smoothly, everything felt productive and everything seemed…
Normal.
It was normal, the way Jongin texted him Friday evening during the free time in his schedule so that they could enjoy dinner together.
It was normal for them to enjoy each other’s company while conversing about everything and nothing. A guys night out to bond and make new memories.
It was normal when he arrived to a fancy restaurant, dressed pristine and clad because these lavish establishments were the type of dining places Jongin frequented.
However, it was not normal when Kyungsoo walked toward their reserved table and there sat Jiyoon, cozying up to the side of Jongin’s arm--his friend’s arm--as though they were overly familiar and well acquainted.
It was not normal how Jongin greeted him with an unusual strained grin which left more questions than answers.
It was not normal that Jongin informed him of this woman being his future wife.
Nothing could have prepared Kyungsoo for this. His mind blanked and his eyes widened in momentary bewilderment.
Everything around him drowned to the back of his mind. His conscience plummeted into an abyss of darkness, and he fluctuated through vague coherency. His vision lost focus, the dim lighting blurred in and out as his head mercilessly spun, displaying early signs of fainting. It became agonizing to breathe, words and questions caught within his throat and simmering there. The onslaught of pounds thumping against his ribcage ached to indescribable levels. Subtle tremors tortured his fingertips, and he slammed his eyes shut before staggering a step back.
Jongin’s voice was a faint distortion of vibrations in the waves of the dark ocean that submerged him. The call of his name became clearer the closer he floated to the surface. His limbs numb and relaxed, allowing his incapacitated body to move upward until Jongin reached his hand inside the water and hauled Kyungsoo into this cataclysmic reality.
“Kyungsoo?”
He emerged with a gasp, “I-I’m s-sorry, what was that?” The blank expression on his face didn’t subside as the news registered.
“Soo, I proposed to Jiyoon, she’s my fiance.” Shy smiles encased them both, and Kyungsoo could only stare. The lack of response prompted Jongin to clear his throat. Only then did Kyungsoo truly break from his reverie.
“C-congratulations,” He sputtered with a countenance that said nothing of his elation, but everything about his consternation. Kyungsoo attempted to maintain a cheerful grin, but he felt his lips flounder and his mirthful facade waver.
The dinner was devastating. It couldn’t have been anything else. Kyungsoo sat on the opposing side of the table while they told him the story of Jongin’s proposal and how they supposedly fell in love within the short span of one month. Nearing the end of their tales, they possessed the nerve to bring up their plans for the near future.
Their happiness hurtled to the depths of Kyungsoo’s stomach which hadn’t stopped aching since the crippling news. His stinging tears were nearly contained behind the guise of merriment, and his quivering fingers curled around a napkin along with slow haggard breathing. He somehow held it together within their presence, but barely.
It was too much. Too damn much; impossible, incomprehensible. His thoughts attempted to deny the situation, but the evidence sat before him all cuddled, cheery simpers and passionate touches.
He tried to listen, he truly did. But the piercing volume of his heart shattering into millions of microscopic pieces, which lied underneath his feet, was unbearably too loud. And he dare not step on the scattered fragments because it would induce even more pain.
However, Jongin had no qualms in doing what he dared not, as he looked Kyungsoo directly in the eyes with all the trust, joy and pride in the world and asked, “Would you be the one to plan our wedding?”
Fragments after fragments crushed under the pressure of Jongin’s footsteps; sharp, unforgiving stabs delivered precisely to the center of Kyungsoo’s heart that made him bleed crimson, blotting the depths of his soul until he couldn’t feel anymore. The pain was too great.
Kyungsoo’s trembling lips curved into a feeble smile before he heard himself reply, “Sure.”
A/N: This is the first part to this bumpy ride. What did you guys think? And arrghhh! Jongin, why?
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