"I've changed so terribly, huh?"

Listening to Hanna's story... Looking at myself from other people's perspective... It hurts but I'm sure Hanna's intention isn't bad, so I keep listening to her story. What I used to be afraid of the most is, well, to be unaccepted by the other members. It's probably normal for me as a new member (who also happens to have a really poor social skill) to fail to adapt to the new environment as an idol. There's so much pressure from many people! But now when I get stronger...
When I'm not afraid of anyone anymore... 

...Apparently, now people are afraid of me.

Hannah, an old friend of mine, sitting beside me right now. She's the one who accepts me as who I am. Not Twice, not the members. Does that mean I'm officially rejected by them? Suddenly, I remember something, such as a description, in an old book that I've thrown to the ocean and wished to forget. A description of who I might be.

***

I moved on from Sana to Jihyo, whom I was also a fan of. The latter made a face while looking at Sana wiping her tears out on her face, "What's wrong with you?" Jihyo said with one of her eyebrows raised. 
Sana looked back at her and just chuckled weakly.
"Why are you crying? Are you Haeju??" she leaned her body toward Sana.
"No, hehe!" she answered, raising one of her shoulders to hide a part of her face instantly, "Haeju doesn't cry anymore tho," Sana corrected Jihyo.
"Hmm right.." the latter muttered, "Hwaiting, Sana!" Jihyo told her before came back to her position. 

Talking with Jihyo was fun. Her heavy voice and a sturdy posture made me feel secure with her. Jihyo was unexpectedly joyful and childish, she joked a lot, showing her big smile so often. But she couldn't hide her kind heart with her questions about my life, what I've been doing, asking about school and other stuff. She was generous and it was heartwarming.

"Take care of yourself! Drink your water, dear" Jihyo said after our session was up, knowing I was kinda dizzy that day. When I got up, I felt like my head was getting heavy. The light got brighter and my eyelids became heavy. I moved carefully to the next chair, my hand was resting on it while I was trying to sit. At first, I didn't care who was after me. I put my album on the table in a hurry and took a bottle of water from my bag. I took a huge gulp to relieve my anxiety and, after realizing it was Tzuyu who was in front of me. 

"A minute. I'm, I'm really sorry, I told her due to my condition "
"It's okay..." I heard she whispered before drinking my water. It was a really familiar voice, actually. I looked up to see her face. 
"Hehe... I'm really sorry, Tzuyu-ssi," I told her.
"Are you really okay?"
"I am, I am! Sorry to make you worry..."
She dragged my album to her side, "Don't force yourself. Please take your time because I worry about others really easily," she said. I was paused to hear that. Sounded more like myself. I was the kind of person who wanted to make sure my friends around me were all okay. Suddenly I felt a connection between me and Tzuyu only after that one sentence.

But that attention suddenly was stolen by a girl besides her. I realized after Tzuyu, my session would be with my bias herself! I looked at her white shirt covering her smooth skin that was shown at the end of her short sleeve. Her perfect body was just a shell for her amazing talent. She was my favorite singer in the Kpop industry. A very charismatic woman-rapper who could write many moving lyrics. She was gorgeous and charismatic that day, I couldn't describe her more. I couldn't believe I was going to meet Haeju!

The session with Tzuyu didn't memorable at all because I was busy checking on my girl. I felt bad for Tzuyu tho. I kept ignoring her. All in my head was what to say when I met Haeju later. Tzuyu signed my album and I think that was it. There was nothing more happened. Ohh, I was so nervous to meet Haeju. I was sweating more than I should. My headache got worse. My heart fluttered every time I looked at her.

"Are you okay?" Tzuyu asked me for a moment.
"Yes yes..." I smiled awkwardly at her. I looked at Haeju and it seemed like the session was almost over. It made me even more nervous. I felt my hands cold when the fanboy besides me got up from his chair. I got up automatically, grabbing my album and held it tight on my chest. I hurriedly moved like a crab in front of Haeju's place without a command. 

Suddenly, a member of the staff warned me. I hit the fanboy because I moved faster than him. Tzuyu was shocked seeing me like this. I couldn't lift my head, I was so embarrassed. My heart raced faster. I hurriedly tried to sit but my leg was so feeble and, for the love of God, I don't know why I walked silly a few steps back. It was as if my body was pulled by gravity. I lost myself and fell from the stage. Fell! To the ground! Black... Cold... I suddenly lost consciousness at that moment.

Haeju...

It was crowded.

The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the crowd that was far from me. I woke up in a darker place than the stage. I got up with my heavy head. The back of my head felt so painful before I realized why. It hit the floor, "Haeju!" unconsciously I screamed her name.  
"Kid, are you okay?" a man approached me. 
"You shouldn't wake up first," suddenly a woman, another staff said from my left side.
"Called Haeju here fast, she already awakes," the guy told her.
"Okay..."
The guy squats in front of me and asked if I was okay but I was too weak to answer him. Then he just left me there confused. I was kind of nauseatic. I saw many people walked fast around there. So busy. I turned my head to look back at the crowd but by the moment a silhouette of a tall girl walking towards me. The contrast of the light behind me was so high and that made me can't see her clearly. "Why the is she still here?" she yelled. 

She pushed me with her legs from behind as she arrived. I wasn't sure it was on accident or intentional but I was shocked. My hands were so cold when she grabbed it. She randomly swore again. I felt warm under my pants. "What are you doing?!" she yelled, "Look at this mess! How can you leave a young girl like this?" I lost my focus as I found my whole body was sweating.  I closed my eyes and let my body pulled me to the ground. Her arm caught my back, prevent me from falling down again. Then she lifted my whole body up from the floor and brought me to a brighter room.
"Haeju?" my lips moved. She didn't answer.

She brought me while yelling at her manager who was accompanying us. Haeju put me on a couch. Took a chair and sat beside, asking if I was fine. Her tired face was now so clear as it was right in front of my eyes. She frowned. Mad. Her breath was heavy. I felt so guilty. I was still blank and could only say "yes" every time she askes me something. After that, she left when someone brought me some food and warm tea in a plastic glass. I texted my mom after I gained some strength to do that. She picked me up in that room afterward. That day, I went back home with being fainted out as my last memory of the fan meeting. 

Meeting my idol who was being out of my expectation as my last memory of that day...

***

"...and after that, Chanmi went back to her home," Hannah finishes the story. I'm speechless. I look at the floor with a surge of emotions. I was trying hard to remember who this fan was during the story but now I do. 

"I was such a jerk, huh?!" I utter. Hannah is going to answer that but I immediately cut it, "-I'm changed. I know it from my hear that I'm changed. I think it's not a bad thing so I try to accept it. This change makes my life easier because now I know how to deal with people but, apparently, I'm becoming harmful. I've done it too far that it becomes harmful to the people that I love. It's harmful. It's harmful to Chanmi," I say. I look at her and she looks sad along with me. Probably has nothing to say either. Then I smile to break the ice, "Haha it's fine! Thank you for the story, Hannah. I'm happy to hear another fan letter told only for me. Whatever the story they have, it's meaningful for me," I tell her.
Hannah smiles back at me. She holds my hand who's sitting on my knees, "Who says my story ends there?" she says.
"It isn't?" I ask. Hanna clears as she's going to start the story again, "This is what she told me..."

Meeting Haeju Unnie is of the most meaningful memories of my life. I'm so grateful. Why? I didn't just meet her as a fan but I met her at a personal level. I saw her as a person who probably was going through something difficult. As someone who's probably having a hard time dealing with her inner demon. Maybe many things didn't work out for her, so she decided to change. And that's fine. It means she's giving her best to fix the situation. I'm proud of her, Unnie. Maybe I'm too young to realize how hard her life is. We've seen the other members experienced mental breakdown as well. Haeju decided to keep standing and becoming even tougher makes me admire her even more.

Please tell Haeju unnie that she has done a great job. After the most tiring day in my life, I ride back home crying to a happy song. It's weird to hear someone telling me to be happy. I thought all I need to do is to struggle more, to work harder, and to sacrifice myself. No. Please tell Haeju unnie that she may calm down a little bit and enjoy her life. I wish everything is gonna be okay. It will. Please be happy, Haeju unnie. You've done well. You really deserve to be happy. 

I like you because I feel like I think a lot like you. I wish this message touches you more than our last meeting. Maybe this is silly to say but...

...it was really nice to meet you in real life.

My hands shaking listening to what Hannah's tells me. I can't hold the water just falls down from my eyes. There's no much I can comment to that story, really, but it leaves a track on my heart. I hug Hannah. I hope Chanmi feels this warm. She deserves it.

***

A few weeks later, when I'm chilling with the members in the living room, a staff texts me the good news. My melody project has been uploaded! I'm so excited that I tell everyone to see the video. Copying Nayeon's project, it's a slideshow of the photos that I have with the members and Once, with me singing one of Twice's Japanese track from BDZ album in the background and converts it into Korean. I sit on the couch, preparing my heart even I've seen it over and over before. With the members around me, I push the play button and a white italic text on a black screen appears.

For Chanmi
and all Once who are listening to this song

Twice - Wishing 
(by haeju) 

Suddenly I look up at the sky
The pink petals from a tree are falling 
All of our happy memories
Are accumulating...

The songs that you sing on my playlist
I want to hear that voice over and over
Because of my innocence
It’s kind of frustrating to love you

It’s painful as I thought
This feeling of being distant
And when there was a chance to meet you
I can't help but disappointed

Words I want to say to you piles up, my thoughts as many as the number of those petals
If I hold your hand... I wonder if this distance can be reduced
Will I be able to reach your heart? Am I good enough?
I like you, I like you, even though it’s unbearable
The trace of your smile, for you not to be disappeared

Being beside you, wishing on your love...

I smile imagining she listens to this song. The members applaud playfully. It's not that good actually, but they're so supportive. They all say my voice sounds good. I feel relieved. I hope Chanmi likes it as well. We continue to watch the video...

Behind the stage when I suddenly recognized
Only one thing I was concerned about you
“Are you okay?” The cold hand I held that day 
Worried me a lot

Walking in line together in this path of life
With you kindly escorting me
This nonchalant gesture
To receive it, it will make me happy

Will I be able to hear it
Saying you will always by my side
Among those nightmares, I saw you
It was the most beautiful night in my life

Overflowing with words I can’t say, my feelings collected with the number of times I prayed
If I close my eyes, I wonder if this distance can be reduced
Not being able to tell you how painful it is
I like you, I like you, even though it’s unbearable
The trace of your smile, for you not to be disappeared
Being with Once, you’re the only one

Even with such feelings
I could never say it directly to you
Please accept this, my love letter to you
The only present for you that I can give

Tears fall down on my cheeks. I can't give much. All this time, I didn't know if I was important in this world or not. But knowing that I'm significant on someone life, even if I only give a little impact, makes me touched. It gives me a reason to keep singing. To keep smiling, although it's not easy...

Words I want to say to you piles up, my thoughts as many as the number of those petals
If I hold your hand... I wonder if this distance can be reduced
Will I be able to reach your heart? Am I good enough?
I like you, I like you, even though it’s unbearable
The trace of your smile, for you not to be disappeared......

***

At the other side of the world, a girl smiling while watching the whole video. With a blanket around her body, she feels warm, as if her idol was there, talking heart-to-heart with her through a song. Involuntarily, her little mouth sings along...

...being beside you, wishing on your love

(a/n) (a/n) Thank you for LittleMina2003 aka 'Chanmi' who has been featured in this story! So inspiring. I hope you guys like it. Go follow her, she's a nice girl. Also, let's wish for Mina to get well soon. It's so sad for me to hear the members keep getting in a bad condition. Let's hope the best for her <3