I pull one of the many chairs in this meeting room. In front of me, JYP PD-nim has been waiting for me.
"Sorry that I have to invite you this late, Haeju-ya," he says.
From the windows that are covered by the curtain, we can know that it's already so dark outside. I look at the only clock on the room. The shorter arrow points at the number 12. Even the manager who is accompanying me looks so tired, laying on the couch not far from us.
"It's okay, PD-nim, this isn't something peculiar anymore as an idol. It's even weirder if anyone says this is late hehe..." I try to be witty, to break the ice.
"Ah... Is that so?" he mutters, "I always like you, Haeju. Always knows what to say. Proud of you," he tells me.
I'm so embarrassed to hear that, "Hehe..." I chuckle awkwardly.

"Do you have any idea why I call you here, Haeju-ya?" he asks me. I genuinely don't know, so I tell him that, "Hmm, interesting," he says, "I, honestly, just wanna talk with one of my favorite pupils. It's been a while since I put you as the 10th member of Twice. How does it feel, Haeju-ya? Is there anything you can tell me about it?" he asks.
Judging from that question, I guess this will be a long night. Now I know why he serves me a cup of coffee, "Hmm, I don't know, PD-nim. Hehe... What kind of story would you like to hear? Uhh, I'm happy, of course. I'm so grateful to be one of the Twice members. It's a blessing to have so many fans that support me, I also got a path for my career, and most importantly some friends that I already consider as my family. I really can't survive all the struggle in my journey without the members," I tell him.
He smiles, looks satisfied with what I say. Hopefully tho, "Are you regretting this decision, Haeju-ya?" he gives me a surprising question.
"Pardon?"
"Are you regretting being a member of Twice? Please be honest with me. I won't blame you or anything. I won't tell anyone about your answer if you want. We're talking about your life, Haeju-ya, and I'm here to help," he explains, "So, tell me. Do you regret becoming the 10th member of Twice?"

My mouth is shouted. I look at the table instead of his face. I have an obvious answer. It's a 'No'. But... Is it? Have I been showing that I'm not being grateful to be a Twice member? Is this what he means? I'm aware that I probably mad at people around me more than I should. I know it's not something normal to do. But am I normal tho?

"I am sorry..." it comes out my mouth. I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm being judged by my father himself, "I... I..." I really hate to admit it but, "I... Do I disappoint you. PD-nim?"
"No no!" he quickly counters, "Why do you feel sorry? Did you do something bad?"
"I... Guess..... I  think many people may have complained to you about my attitude these days. I just realized that might be the reason why you call me here tonight," I tell him.
"You think so?" he asks me back mysteriously.
"I'm sorry, PD-nim, I..." I sigh heavily, "Alright, I promise... I'll try to change it," I tell him.

My head is heavy. I have no bravery to look up. I'm expecting him to punish me or, maybe, just forgive me and call it a night. But no. Instead, he says, "I guess I'm sorry too, Haeju-ya."
That sentence changes my mood extremely. I don't expect that. I'm kinda confused, honestly. But lowkey happy...
"No, we're not here to talk about what you have done wrong. I'm an artist myself, I guess I understand what you've been going through. Trust me, I do."
At that point, I wonder how old is he already. Of course, he has much more experiences than me. I think I can trust him, "Okay..." I say.
"I really wonder, Haeju-ya, is putting you as the 10th member really a good decision. I have considered many things to evaluate that, but I need the last aspect: Your thought about it itself. Here... Let me tell you a story."

"Do you still remember why I chose you to be the new member?" he asks me.
"Yes, I do."
"What was it?"
I look away to the ceilings as I'm recalling about that day, "You told me that since I'm kinda sensitive, I can bring some more deep feelings into Twice's works, such as songs, lyrics, and performances. Also, I still can't believe this one but, you told me that I'm here to fix Twice's reputation. Twice got so many negative comments so they need a soft and inferior person like me to change Twice's atmosphere into a humble and harmless girl group -I guess I have failed that, don't I? Hahaa......" I laugh awkwardly. I think I'm getting drowsy that I start talking like I'm drunk.
"I won't say you fail, Haeju-ya. What you've told me just now are all true. Good job for still remembering that. But actually, you're only half-true," he smirks.
"Oh?"
"The other half of the truth is in fact still hidden without you knowing it BUT tonight, I'm gonna tell you them," he says.

"I don't know if you realize it or not, Twice's fire has been burnt out lately. It's getting weaker, darker just like this room," he reminds me why he doesn't turn up the lights in this room, but I don't really care anyway, "Twice passion. As a senior girl group, with that tight schedule every year, it's normal for them to lose interest to keep producing a good performance. Back there, I saw you had lot of passion as a trainee. You were also very talented and experienced as a leader of a girl group. Everybody recommended you, not just because of your talent, but your passion to be an artist. That was exactly what Twice needed, I thought. A fire."
I listen to him carefully, "I used to want to be an artist, PD-nim. Even until today. I think it's my call," I say.
"You are supposed to be Twice new FIRE and WATER. You burn them with the spirit of a beginner and you teach them how to give a feeling in performance. Passion and feelings. Fire and water."
"I can understand them, PD-nim. I will do my best to-"
"No no no! You just have to be yourself, that's all that I ask. In order to show your fire and water, You need to be the fullest you. I know you're lacking in AIR element which is a social skill and EARTH element which is hard-work. I've been observing you. These days, you focus more on your weaknesses, makes you changed into this new Haeju that makes you feel guilty all the time. In fact, you're just not being you,"

I listen to him carefully. I try to swallow what he tells me. Am I wrong being like this now? I ask myself.

"I can't help it, PD-nim. I have anxiety it's killing me. If I try to please everyone, I won't have time and energy to solve my own problems."

"It's not your fault, Haeju. The decision comes back to you. You want to fix your weaknesses to balance your life OR you want to focus on your strenght to be the best new member of Twice. Up to you, Haeju," he puts his on one of my shoulders. I look at his face again, "There's the no wrong/right choice. Just answer us honestly...."

I hold my cup of coffee. It's warm. I wake up the next morning, a little bit late for our next schedule. Was it just a dream? Sigh... Suddenly, I saw the pic of me and PD-nim on one of the corners in the dorm. All the memories last night come back to my head as a review.

What should I do....?