Sometimes I wake up and feel so grateful that I'm a Twice member. My friends are very understanding of me. If there are people who can accept me crying, it's the members. Unfortunately, not everyone is like them.

People don't like me crying. The fans... People who take care of Twice... Staffs... Managers... They don't want me crying. They expect me to be happy most of the time. I hate it. I'm crying but it doesn't mean I'm not happy. I'm still happy, you know! Sadness is my kind of happiness. What is happiness anyway? For me, there are a lot of things in this world that are most important than being happy. I think being a grown-up means you have to think more about other people before yourself. As an artist, I'm being melancholy to make the most touching songs and performances. Sometimes, we have to be so fvking tired and sacrifice our time and energy to be always ready for Twice's schedule. We, the members, are sacrificing our own happiness for the sake of so many people. But it's worth it! We are happy that people get paid because we do our job well. We are sooo happy that Once are satisfied with our performance. We love it when Once say that they're inspired by us or when our songs make their day. It's worth it. It's worth the pain. And that's more important than our own happiness...

PD-nim himself chose me to be one of the Twice members because of my emotions. My role is to be Twice's sadness. Because Twice is too bright and fresh and people used to not buy it anymore (because of those incidents), so PD-nim wants me to join Twice. PD-nim wants to show people that Twice is human too, just like them. He wants people to feel close to us. To feel relate. PD-nim used to say to me personally that he wished Haeju (me) could feel the pain that the other members feel. He wishes the members can bravely show up their vulnerability to the world, become honest with who they are. He wishes people of Korea can see that through our music and performance, so they can feel empathy with us. "You will be Twice's savior," I really remember he used to say that.

But...

Huh!

Since joining Twice, I'm the one who's infected by Twice's happiness. Hehe!

But people still don't like me crying. The fans... People who take care of Twice... Staffs... Managers... 

You...

Sadness is my kind of happiness. Crying is my most effective way to cope with stress because it's harmless for people around me. I had tried to hold not to cry but, because of that, I became more harmful. I became moody and unproductive, I hurt people with my words. I got easily angry about anything. People don't understand that. I cry to protect the people around me. So, why do they hate me when I'm crying? 

Sometimes I wake up and just randomly feel grateful that I have the members by my side. Because of them, I have one more way to cope with my stress: Talking to them. For me, they're my bestest friends that I ever have. Maybe not the perfect one, but the ones that I need the most. Twice used to really want me to change my crying habit tho. I really appreciate that they care about me. But then, in the end, I guess they understand that it's just who I am. That's what defines me. I'm the representative of Twice's darkness and fear. Sadness and tears. That's why I'm a rapper because I don't really sing to my audience. I talk to them. People not supposed to feel happy when they see me. They supposed to feel accompanied. Well, I guess that's why people hate me crying.

Because they hate being sad. 
It's okay! They can have Twice when they're happy. But they can come to me when they need someone that can understand their pain.

I can only bring pain! Hahaha...

...but I'm really happy that Twice STAY whatever their condition is. When the members want me to stop crying, I know that they meant something nice. I have talked about this with Sana and Tzuyu.

Sana said, "Because we're worried about you, dear~," she said in a bubbly way with a skinship which was holding my hand at that time, "It was because when we cried, we also wanted to cry. That made us wanted to hug youuu~," she said before hugging me. "Sana doesn't know what she's saying but Haeju can understand, right?" she asked me with her bright eyes and a wide smile. I then kissed her forehead.

Tzuyu said, "You shouldn't think like that, Unnie," when I told her that I thought people hated me when I was crying.
"Why?" I asked her straightforwardly.
"Well, it's so mean for you that you think negatively to people who care about you..."
"They care?"
"Of course! I think, unlike you, they haven't given up with 'happiness'. Why do you think they don't want you to be sad, Unnie?!" she challenged me.
"Aww... Why, Tzuyu-a?" I asked rhetorically. At that time, I understood what she was going to say next. I was so happy with what I was going to hear...

"...People hate you crying because they want you to be happy, Unnie."