(a/n) angst alert

It has been a big secret about our company that we can get some medicines without visiting the doctor first.

Not everyone on JYPe knows about this. Mostly just the idols like me and our managers. I've been consuming some medicines as well for more than a month now. I only visited the doctor once and after that, our manager is the one who always redeems the medicine for me. There are two types of medicines that I get, an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety. The anti-depressant is to control my mood and the anti-anxiety is too cure my panic attacks. If you wanna know, the anti-depressant doesn't make me instantly happy as the name suggests. After taking it, usually, I feel kinda sleepy that can make me fall asleep for one-two hours. After waking up, I just feel empty all the time. Yeah, I'm not depressed anymore but I don't feel anything as well, except when someone triggers my happiness. That will make 'the joy' lasts longer than usual. But mostly empty. 
Like right now, I'm waiting for our performance in the makeup room. I sit around Nayeon, Momo, Jeongyeon, and Jihyo. There's a little chair beside the couch that they're sitting on. As usual, Nayeon is dominating the conversation. They all make jokes that I can't relate to. I'm here but I'm not really listening to them. I'm pretending to be busy with my phone. Well, otherwise I feel weird because I can't understand them. I don't know... I just don't feel to talk with anyone today.
Sana and Dahyun are on the other side of the room. Tzuyu, Mina, and Chaeyoung are still doing their makeup. I try not to make an eye contact with Chaeyoung. I've decided not to talk to her since the last Friday. I'm avoiding her. In fact, I'm avoiding everyone right now. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Looking at them having fun without me... Feeling that I'm not needed...
Ugh! I stand up from my seat and get out of that room immediately. I go straight to the restroom. I ignore everyone who's looking at me on the way there. I guess my feeling is expressed well on my face. I don't care anymore. I just want to be alone and lock myself in one of the toilet's stall. Probably cry there, if I can still produce tears from my hollow heart......

Who needs them, right?

***

"Haeju, can you pass me the tissue please?" Jihyo says while I'm staring at the car's window blankly. We're on the way to a studio for a photoshoot. I sit on the back, on the corner. Jihyo sits next to me. Jeongyeon and Momo sit in front of us. I feel like a  deja vu for a second. Gosh, we've been doing this so many times! The van is our second home now. That's definitely not a 'deja vu' nor 'a hunch of something big that might happen'. Although it may be true, I try to deny it anyway. I don't like it.
I pass the tissue to her without saying anything. "Thanks!" she says. I answer her with an "Hmm." I don't feel like talking to anyone right now but then Jihyo starts talking about a few things. She's not the one that I'm mad at so I respond. Honestly, it's a good thing that she talks to me. The joy is triggered. I feel kinda better. Jeongyeon and Momo are sleeping so there are only two of us who talk right now. I feel comfortable as the one-on-one relationship is my specialization. That's what my sign says about me, at least. Well, that's true. I'm enjoying this. Thanks, Jihyo!
"...Hahaha! That's so true. I can't imagine what the boys will think about that kind of outfit," I talk to her excitingly.
"You're so funny, Haeju," she says. "No wonder the TV likes you."
"Aww, some people say that it's tiring to pretend in front of the camera. But I always love it! You know, I feel like I can change myself and it's just fun. You know what I mean right? I guess it's because I'm Gemini that I enjoy wearing many masks. Gemini's symbol is a twin! That means you will rarely see a Gemini be theirself. We're so unpredictable!" I tell her.
"Ohh I see... You're really addicted to astrology, huh?" Jihyo asks. After that, my mood is suddenly changed. I repeat what she just said in my head.
"Uhh yeah, you're right... Sigh... I shouldn't," I lower my tone.
"What's wrong?"
"I... I'm not a Gemini, Jihyo. I'm just Haeju. Y... You know what I mean? I think you can understand that because usually, Aquarius people are smart- NO! Nonono... You're Jihyo! JUST JIHYO!!!" I yell. I think even the driver can hear me. Jihyo is shocked that she can't say anything. She looks worried.
"Are you okay, Haeju?"
I can't answer her right away. I'm breathing heavily. My chest is so heavy. "No, I'm not..." I say.
She puts her hand on mine, "Well, tell me what happens?"
"I can't........." I say.
"Why?"
I look at both of her eyes. Knowing that there's someone who still cares to me, I'll be so mean if I don't tell my problems to her. But still! "Sorry, I just can't," I grab her hand back. I look at them. Usually, my tear would have fallen at this kind of moment but it's just nothing.
"Aww... Don't be too hard on yourself, Honey, we still have a long journey waiting." Jihyo hugs me after says that. I can feel the warmth from her body. I rest the half of the burden on my shoulder to her. "I'm sorry, Jihyo, this 10th member is so drama all the time. I hate myself."
"It's okay, Ju, it's okay. No one's blaming you," she says while patting my back. I close my eyes for a while. Thanks, Jihyo...

Let me close my eyes for a while.

***

Even after Jihyo being so nice to me, I still haven't been able to tell my problem to anybody. I tend to avoid the members if it's not disappearing from their sight completely. I think Lena realizes it because I caught her looking at me when I'm alone a few times. I don't know what she was thinking. Maybe she realized that this was all her fault. Good then. Sigh, I don't usually like to make people guilty but I just want Lena to know that I'm suffering because of her. Just this time. She steals my friends. I want her to know that.

We have a recording schedule today so we go to the JYPe headquarter. Before entering the building, I stand up in front of the door and look at the peak of the building. It's really tall. Really beautiful, as usual. It keeps so many good memories. I always love to come back to this building.
We enter the lift and go to the mixing room. I try to get the first turn to record so I can finish it quickly. Failed, of course. They're all so superior and I'm pushed out. It's okay, it actually gives me the time to relax. And I still can wait outside long enough before my turn. Lena is here with us so I definitely don't wanna stay.
I quickly sneak and run from them. I walk down the hallway alone. Ohh, I feel like my heart is lighter! Now that I'm alone, what should I do first?

Aha, maybe I can meet my old friend Oh Hanna!

I don't know until when I can stay muted to Chaeyoung like this. But let's not think about it right now.
I go to the packaging department, where Hanna is most likely working right now. She's really cute as, the more realize it, she looks like a small version of Tzuyu. She is so sweet and beautiful, kinda like a chocolate with an almond in it. Hanna is kinda emotionless as well, that's what I feel. The only difference from Tzuyu is she's SUPER friendly and cheerful. She really likes to talk to people although she's really bad at starting it. She likes cheering up people that, on the daily basis, is kinda weird. She's kinda religious, just like Dahyun. I guess being kind-hearted is just her religious life mission or something. I'm not blaming her if she likes to live like that. Well, she probably can cheer me up at the time like this. I definitely need that. That's a good idea, right?
I arrive at her office but after looking for her and ask some people, I realize that she's not there. So unfortunate. Some people say that she might have a lunch right now. I don't know if I should text her or not. I'm kinda shy to meet her. Maybe it will be more fun to find her and pretend to meet her accidentally hehe... 'More fun'. What a weird way of thinking, stupid easily-bored Gemini!

I go to the cafeteria where most likely I can find her. It's apparently so crowded here, I don't see it coming. Well, duh, it's a lunchtime! I walk through the crowd and, OH MY GOD, she's there! Hanna is one of the tables on the other side of the room. I can see her cheerful and sweet smile from here. The one that I miss so much! But before I come to her, I realize who she's sitting with. It's Lica...
Yes, Lica my ex-crush. The one who has been avoiding me all this time. 
What should I do? Should I just go to them? Should I just leave? The answer is clear when I see both of them are enjoying their time. They look so happy talking to each other. I don't wanna go there and ruin the mood. No, I don't wanna do that. I don't want Lica to feel uncomfortable because of me. Let me suffer for her. And the answer becomes clearer when I see a genuine laugh from Hanna's face. Maybe she doesn't need me anyway. She already has a best friend. I'm just... Who? Haeju? I'm sure I'm nobody for her. 

You're right, Hanna-ssi, I already have my own life. I have my own friends! I shouldn't abandon them like this. I can't live alone. I can't live without them. I should go back. Sigh, this must be the worst thing I ever did to my best friends this year...
...devaluing 9 of them. 

Chaeyoung-a, let's start by stop not-talking to you!

*** 

I almost arrive at the mixing room when I Mina is walking the opposite of me in the hallway. "Oh Mina, you're here!" I exclaim.
"I haven't seen you all day. Where have you been?" she asks, Not surprised that she notices that I've been missing.
"Wait, you're here that's mean... Where's Chaeyoung, Mina-ya???"
"She is in the room..."
"Is it her turn now? Is she recording???"
"No no... She's still waiting-"
"GREAT!" I cut her, "Thanks, Mina," I tell her before hurriedly leaving the scene. I need to meet Chaeyoung. I realize that I can't live without her. I definitely can't live alone without my friends...

I open the door and I see some of the members are there. "Chaeyoung! Where is- Ohh......." Before I can complete my sentence, I find my Taurus girl sitting on a couch. But she's not alone. Lena sits right next to her. So close. Just two of them. They look so intimate together.
I see Chaeyoung's smiling. She looks so happy. I don't know what to do. I can't think of anything. My mind is blocked. I'm sweating. My neck gets stiffed and my heart beats faster. My vision is blurred. I don't know what to do. Help me. I can't think of anything! I'm having a panic attack.
I need to leave... I need to leave... I need to leave...

I walk away and close the door behind me. I need to get my purse.
Where's my medicine... Where's my medicine... Where's my medicine...

(to be continued)