(a/n) This story happened before Haeju joined Twice.
Also, angst alert.....

I throw my body to the bed.

My head sinks into the pillow like a ship after crashing an iceberg. I have no energy left. Actually, I do, but I've been mentally drained. This life as an idol is not as nice as what I imagined. I feel like I'm chasing something that doesn't exist. The black clouds cover my future. I don't have any motivation to continue my life. I'm sorry, Mom, maybe I should have listened to you after all. I shouldn't be here. Hhh... Why am I always wrong? If so, what can I do to make this right?!

Bzz... Bzz...
My phone is vibrating. There is a message coming. It's from Jhinae! She's a trainee in my agency who has the same age as me.

From: Min Jinhae Trainee
Where's your paperwork? I don't wanna know, you have to finish it this Sunday

Hh... Can I even get time to rest?
I remember her face when she warned me about it. It was earlier today. She looked so angry because I didn't manage to finish our work before our group's deadline. Her glare stabbed me to the chest. I felt so guilty because I wasn't as good as her in speaking Japanese. Language has always been my weakness. This homework is too hard for me...
She knows that. She knows that I won't complete my task in time. That's why she rushes me up. I'm so sad just by thinking about that.
Is that even necessary?

***

Bzz... Bzz...
From: Ran Naeul Trainee
Haeju-ya, your note is not long enough. Also, you have to put more examples of the letters.

Argh, again? Another mistake???
Naeul-Unnie is supposed to help me finish this work. I've divided the jobs with her. But it seems I don't do my part well enough. Aang~ So much stress! I don't know what should I do tho? This is too hard, I wanna cry.

I decide to get up from my bed. Ugh, I'm light-headed. I think I'm hungry. Ottokke? I shouldn't eat too much. Haeju, you're an idol wanna-be, so take care of your body! Wait, wait... What day is it today? SATURDAY ALREADY??? Oh, my God!
I walk to the window. I open the curtain so I can see the outside. It's dark. The only bright spot is the one under the street lamp, but it's so far from here. It's not bright enough to light up surrounding.
I cannot see the street. I cannot see anybody outside. I'm alone. There's no one in my room. I'm alone. This room is perfect to cry, but not to share my feelings. Why? Because I'm alone!

Sigh, maybe I should go outside........

***

I'm hungry.
Fortunately, standing under the shower feels so nice. I close my eyes and let the water falls on my eyelids. I my own hair to wipe out the water. I see the water flows through my skin. Sometimes I feel grateful that I'm beautiful. I can take care of my body well. It's my guilty pleasure to think like that, hehe!
I'm still closing my eyes. It's dark. In a moment like this, I like to day-dream. When life is too hard, sometimes I'm thinking about my dreams...

What do I actually want in this life?

At this moment, I really want to debut!
I'm tired to be a trainee. It's not fun. It's tiring. I feel like I'm too long here. The pressure is so high and it feels like my destiny is hanged by them. I don't know what will I be and that is scary. There are some other trainees that have decided to quit. Some of them already get a different job. A real job. I'm really proud of them. They're brave enough to make such big decision. Hmm, should I quit too?

Besides debuting, I also want to travel across the world!
I wanna go to France. I heard Paris was beautiful. Compared to my country, France seems a nice place to live. I wanna wake up in a peaceful neighborhood, surrounded by nice people. People around me are so rude and annoying. Huh, maybe there are bad people everywhere. We can't avoid them. But probably France fits me better than here. America is okay too.

Talking about bad people, my last wish will always be having some nice friends.
I'm so bad at making friends. I'm afraid to people, except when it's about working. Because while working, we always wear a "mask". It's easy to face people if you're not yourself. But I don't want to wear my mask in front of people I consider as friends. I don't want to gain friends because of my mask. I wanna be myself. I don't knowww... Does this even make sense?

I imagine one day I have best friends that I'm close with. People that I can trust. People that I can share my feelings with. People who will understand how weak I am inside.

It's really sad to think about it because it makes me realize that I'm so lonely. In my reality, I don't have any friends. I'm alone. Is it okay to be alone in this world? Shouldn't be a crime? I would rather go to a jail and surrounded by those prisoners than meeting the other trainees. Huh! I really feel uncomfortable with them. Argh, this Monday I must meet with them again. Can I get more time away from them, please...

Having friends who can accept me, will it be just a dream?

Ohh, it's so cold! Enough shower time. I should get away from here quickly...

***

I open the cupboard and take a loose white T-shirt from it. My phone has been locked. I throw my body to the bed. Ahh~ I feel better now. I look at the clock on the wall. There is still much time before midnight. Yes, please! Let me be myself for a while. I don't know why I feel so depressed these past few weeks. I need time to reflect...

I want to think nothing
Just for today, nothing
Just chill and chill and relax-lax
Chill and chill and relax-lax

Push today’s chores to tomorrow
And tomorrow’s chores to the day after
Just chill and chill and relax-lax
Chill and chill and.........

Bzz... Bzz...
From: Ran Naeul Trainee
 

Nah, I won't read it! Not now.

Not tonight.
Not this week.
Not this year.
Not forever!

I'm sorry, Unnie, I'm not here. I wanna get out of this reality.
I don't wanna be here...

I'm leaving!