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Word Count: 1,300+
 
Song:  A Bitter Day - Hyuna ft G.Na & Junhyung

Pairings: Past/Broken!BangDae , Insinuated HimJae, Insinuated one-sided BangJae. Friends!BangLo 

This might be sad? angsty. something.
 

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                                                                                                                           ✘
 

Yongguk frowned as he lifted the pen from the still blank paper. He'd tried to write this down hundreds of times by now, but the words always failed to be written. He took a deep breath, sighed and threw his pen down. 

What was the point? Daehyun was no longer in his life, and things seemed to stop mattering forever ago. 
Yongguk ran a hand down his face and leaned back in his chair, Wondering why he was still trying to put something into words when it was long dead.

 With help, he'd found himself again, and now, so far down the road he still had Youngjae standing next to him. Youngjae meant more to Yongguk than he could ever really say. He appreciated the younger's presence a little more with each passing day, and he'd become Yongguk's escape when things became too difficult. He knew he could count on Youngjae to help him out of whatever pit he'd dug for himself. 

Things were going well and recently they'd met Himchan. He seemed to be a perfect fit for their small group with his sassy personality and it seemed like everything was finally falling into place. 

Yongguk had friends now. People that wanted to be around him, instead of just pretending they did for whatever reason. Oh, and of course Zelo was still around, they tended to stick to each other during outings and make weird jokes that only they understood, but even that was different somehow. It didn't feel quite as sincere as it had once, but he knew if it was time to let go, he'd still have a support group. 

Things didn't feel as hopeless as they once did. Because now he knew sometimes letting go was for the best. With that thought, he smiled. He remembered inside jokes, private memories... 

Yongguk retrieved his pen. 

Daehyun. DaeDae, 

It's been a long time, hasn't it? Amazing what time can do. I realized shortly after you left that there has always been something ...Off. 

Maybe we were never meant to be. I'm not sure, really. It's not something you can guess.

That confession from the one friend I adored comes to mind to this day. Do you remember it still? It was the one that really pissed you off? I never did understand why it made you so angry. Yes, I loved them before we met, but I declined their offer the night after they confessed. Because I was under the impression you still wanted something with me, and honestly they were drunk enough to forget who I was. That probably isn't the best way to start this. 

Well.. too late now.

I knew to make us work, I had to keep you happy no matter what, but it became too much too quickly. I could never tell you what was happening with me because nothing about it really mattered to you. I remember when you told me that I needed to keep it all inside so I didn't ruin someone else's day. It makes me sick thinking about it now. 

I was never good at these things, honestly and I guess I'm still trying to be nice, even after everything that happened. I once hoped we could still be friends, that maybe my anxiety wasn't worse around you, but that day we passed each other on the street told me I was wrong...

It was shortly after that incident that I withdrew from things for a bit, but I can say that was a good thing. I was dating someone then, and the second the anxiety showed it's face they left. I didn't even get an official break up. They packed the few things I left at their place into my overnight bag when I was in the bathroom. When I went to see them two days later the lock and passcodes had been changed. I found out they blocked my number when I tried to call so they could let me in. It's been a month or two now.

They actually texted me last night to explain and apologize said if they'd known why.... Well... I'm sure you get the idea. 

But that's a different letter and I guess that's what brought all this on. This.. sitting here, rambling on and on, pen against paper. I'm really getting off track right now.

See, the thing is. I gave up on a lot of things, I quit doing things I enjoyed and I stopped being me. All to satisfy you and all you ever did was tell me I was wrong. I was wrong if I was myself and I was wrong if I wasn't. I always made you uncomfortable. I was never there for you.

But how could I be there when you weren't even talking to me most days? When I found out you were talking about me to all of "our" (your) friends, it hurt. There were people that barely knew me that thought I was terrible. That thought I did things I'd never even think of doing because I knew how awful it was to be on the receiving end of them. 

When I found out you were calling me desperate and saying you were only "my friend" to keep me quiet. Well. It made me realize you were ashamed to even admit you were friends with me. And when I realized that you never wanted anyone to know just who I really was to you, well. That was the last straw. 

Of course, by now I'd pushed everyone else away and gave up on talking to anyone but you, even though you hated me at this point....Things were bad.

But then, of all the things you could ever do... You gave me a gift without realizing it. You were actually the one who introduced me to Youngjae. I just don't think you remembered doing it. 

That ball of sunshine is one of the best things in my life. The one person that ended up being my best friend without question. The first person to really listen. 

So I guess things weren't all that bad when I look at it.

When Youngjae smiles, and I know it's directed at me gives me this odd feeling I can't place. It's different, but I like it. 

Sometimes he texts me outside of our group chat, just because he wants to talk to me without everyone else getting involved and I can't help the smile that creeps across my face. 

Some days we even meet up without Himchan and spend the day wandering and talking. You come up in conversation sometimes, it never goes very far though. 

I want to say he understands me in a way you never could, which honestly makes me sad some days.

I just wish I knew for sure. 

I guess that's life though, you just have to accept things how they fall sometimes. Like right now... I just.... Sorry.

I didn't think it'd end like this. I guess I'm just rambling on and on, now.

Oh,

Chan and Jae just showed up. They made me agree to go out with them today, I almost forgot.

I'm pretending to be annoyed but they know how much I appreciate it. They could tell it's bothering me again. 

It's why we're going where we are. I think they won't have to worry now. I'm hopeful that everything will be easier soon... 

Anyway. I have to go, I don't know if I'll ever be able to send this letter. If I'm honest with myself... I don't know if I want to. 

The weight was lifted from my chest recently and I don't want to risk it coming back so soon. 

I know it would just get returned anyway.

But maybe we'll run into each other again. In another life. Maybe we'll be friends. Or we'll act like we don't know each other. It's hard to say with things this way. 

You know... you hurt me, Dae. Really bad when you left, I just.. wish I knew why, I guess?

I really do have to go now DaeDae. Youngjae's threatening to pick my clothes If I don't hurry up. I told him I was getting dressed. Haha.

They don't know I still write to you sometimes. I can't let them know. 

So goodbye for now. 

-Yongguk 
-Gukkie

P.s. I forgot to tell you, we're going to visit your graves today. I have orchids, they're still your favorite, right? I don't know what type of flowers Jongup likes, or I'd bring those too.

I'm so sorry DaeDae. 
 

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Oh dear, what have I written? Tbh I'm not ecstatic about this, but I'm a little bit pleased with it. I Almost  want to turn this into its own series, but I'll wait and see what you guys think! 

read the explanation below if you're confused :) and let me know if I should turn this into it's own story. Suggestions for Songs & Genre's for a story are always welcome, as well. just leave a comment for me. :) 


I was listening to music and going through old files on my laptop when the inspiration for this struck. Hope you all enjoyed it!

An explanation of plot  if needed; Yongguk and Daehyun were in a relationship that didn't work even when Yongguk really wanted it to, and he was never sure if Daehyun actually wanted it to work out, they ended up breaking up on less than pleasant terms which left Yongguk with a lot of questions, but the next time he saw Daehyun was at his funeral. Daehyun and Jongup died on the same day, in a car accident, and Yongguk never got his answers so now he writes letters to Dae when he has the chance, even though he knows the other will never see them, and even though he's trying his best to move on and even developed feelings for someone else.

-Miki