It’s been four months since Daesung’s funeral. Four months since I lost him. Four months since my world changed forever. It’s been hard, lonely even. Sure I have my other friends. Jiyong especially tries his best and he will always be my best friend. But I still feel like life is going by in a haze. Then I saw him.

                The first time was after two weeks. I caught a brief glimpse at the crowded bus stop. He was on the other side of the street. When the crowd cleared he was gone. I dismissed it then, and the many times after, as my mind playing tricks on me because I missed him so much. It actually hurt to keep seeing him even as much as it felt comforting to see him as well.

                The comfort didn’t outweigh the hurt enough though.  It still doesn’t.  I’m not in a good place.  My heart is crushed and I am still struggling to move on.  Seeing him everywhere, almost like he was watching me tore my soul to pieces as it touched my heart.   It feels like a cruel joke many days.  I can’t do it anymore.  The last couple weeks I’ve been seeing him right outside my apartment.  The comfort of my visions of him is wavering.  It’s starting to hurt, more than it feels good.   

                I crushed the pills into a fruit sweetened smoothie, to cover the bitter taste.  At least this way I can see him for real, be with him instead of these haunting visions.  I stared at the cup in my hand for what feels like hours, but it’s