Him...

Him...

I had been assigned to work with him as part of our training at BigHit. He was considered one of the best and probably the hardest working individual. He held many titles; kind, generous, handsome, dedicated, unique. As the weeks went past, we grew closer together. The more we worked together, the more I could feel myself falling for him. I could feel the way his light radiated within me, making me feel more special than I deserve.  

He was my best friend… 

We were inseparable. Everything was beautiful at the beginning. We laughed, we danced, we sang together. You could feel how much love he could give to those he cared about. The feelings you get when you are around him are like indescribable sensations you can’t get enough of. I was only afraid that one day he would reject me, I was too weak to confess my feelings for him.  

How I wish I had said something… 

It was until we got into the first month and a half of training that I could feel him changing. He became distant and tried his best to wear off our friendship. I gave up for the first couple of weeks, feeling embarrassed from the constant rejections he gave me whenever I tried to be myself around him. I could feel him staring at me, silently hating me. It made me feel guiltier that I had affected him that much.  

Did you even care about me?   

The others enjoyed my presence, he did once before yet he now couldn’t even look at me in the eye anymore. I could feel the way he gazed at me when I walked through the halls, when we were in the cafeteria at opposite corners, when I danced and could feel him looking for anything he could pick on me for. I could see from the way he looked at me that he still cared about me from the way he would observe from afar just to see me.  

Why did you become like this? 

Why had I fallen for you? 

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It was another evening of training where the other trainees were sent back to their dorms and I was pulled back yet again by no other than him to work on my supposed ‘’unexecuted moves’’. I knew there was nothing wrong with my movements, I worked harder than any other trainee who walked through those doors. I went through so much to get to where I was and he understood that better than anyone. He was the only one who knew about my dark past and yet he had accepted me.  

I could feel myself reaching at my whims end with him, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to do something…. 

I’m sorry… 

‘’Again, your footing is wrong, you need more power’’ he exclaimed to me, I roll my eyes in annoyance as I practiced this move more than a hundred times. As the dark crept around the studio, I could see that it would be another late evening of constant nit picking and feeling like . He wasn’t even fazed at the time. Didn’t he have better things to do? I had finally snapped.  

‘’I don’t see the problem with this, you are just being picky,'' I muttered in annoyance under my breath. He heard what I uttered and grabbed my arm, ‘’Want to repeat that a bit louder?’’ I jerked my arm away from his grip and I went closer to him, my eyes beaming with anger, ‘’I said I don’t see the problem with my footing, you are being too picky’’. I boomed back with anger, the frustration building up for months finally exploding.  

‘’Well, if you listened, then I wouldn’t be this damn picky!'' He retracted with the same tone. I had known that the man I knew before was deep in there somewhere and he wasn’t coming back anytime soon. My heart broke knowing my light was gone and it was replaced by darkness.  

Please come back to me… 

‘’I can’t do this anymore with you.'' I whispered and turned around heading towards my belongings. Picking them up, not daring to look at him as he stood there, his composure lost and fists balled. I walked towards the door, wanting to keep myself from breaking down in front of him. He got there faster than me and blocked the door, I looked up at him staring at the wondrous face that God himself carved. His dark orbs glowed under the light, his dark hair falling over his face with grace, his sharp features composing his nose and lips with symphony.  

‘’Maybe you should appreciate the effort I put into my dancing more than the other trainees you send home or would you rather make me suffer? HUH?!  Do you like making me feel small and worthless, not appreciating the months of sweat and tears I went through because of you? Why do you treat me like I am not good enough? Why are you so cold to me now? Why can’t I have you back?'' I began to feel tears threatening to escape my eyes. I had sworn to myself that I would never let anyone see me cry.  

Especially him… 

I could see the guilt hit him, his complexion graying as every word I said had affected him. He stared at me, seeming like there was something going on within him, ‘’I don’t hate you’’ He whispered, now looking sorrowful, his eyes seeping sadness in them, his lips fallen as he had spoken to me. I could see that he wanted to explain himself, but something was stopping him. It hurt me to see him like this even after the torturous months of loneliness he had left behind him for me.  

Why did I feel like this? 

‘’Then what is it?’’. I whispered back, looking at him intently, waiting for him to answer. We were practically so close to each other, I could hear his heart beating. 

Why was it so fast? 

‘’What is stopping you?’’ I inched closer, our eyes never dared to leave each other.  

He remained silent and I knew I wasn’t going to get an answer. It was hopeless… 

I wish you could see how much I love you… 

‘’Never mind, this is pointless’’. I sighed and reached my hand for the handle. He took my hand away from the doorknob and held it in his hand, now staring at it. I began to feel my heart quicken, sweat beginning to form as this was the longest amount of contact we had for months. He caressed my hand with his thumb, the feelings of warmth and care seeping in as the delicate movements continued to transpire along my hand. 

‘’At the beginning, you were my best friend…I fell for you. Did you not see that? Do you not see how much you have pushed me away, you stopped being my light? Everything was perfect and now I don’t see a way out of this’’. I whispered and he looked up to see tears streaming down my face. I kept my head down and continued to cry, my pain finally being released from its chains. 

Say something… 

Anything… 

For the love of God... 

‘’I like you Nora...’’ I froze, my breathing stopped. I looked up slowly to find him gazing down at me.  

‘’I-I don’t understand’’ I whispered and breathed heavily, anxiousness seeping in as I looked at the man before me looking terrified at his own words. 

‘’I tried my best to stop myself from liking you for the sake of not wanting to hurt you…but I don’t think I can take it anymore. The more I got to know you, the more I fell for you. Nora, I felt so guilty for constantly rejecting your invitation back into your world, I could see I was affecting you. I felt jealous everyone could be around you, to see such a beautiful person in front of them’’.  

Silence ate up the room after his confession, I could see he looked more relaxed after. I forgot about my hand wrapped around his, the grip loosening, ‘’Knowing how much I upset you after I distanced myself just made me feel guiltier. I wanted to be close with you again but I thought I lost my chance. I wish I never distanced myself from you, I wish I could turn back time and let myself love you’’.  He sighed and I could finally see the shield being lifted. I could now see the man before me in his light.  

He returned to me… 

I won’t lose you again… 

‘’Then let’s go back…’’ I said, looking at him. He looked up to see me smiling at him. He seemed confused at this point. I lifted my hand to cup his face, lightly caressing his cheek. I tilted my head and pressed my lips against his, more tears falling from relief that he came back to me. He took me in his arms to deepen the kiss, caressing my waist with his delicate touches. The kiss had become heated as he lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist, pressing my back against the mirrors. The passionate sounds of kisses waved around the room. They were slow and each time his tongue slipped into my mouth, I moaned his name. He turned us around and slowly slid down himself down without breaking contact as I sat on his lap.  

He broke away, and kissing my neck to which I was sure would leave marks. But I didn’t care at this point because it was from a man I had fallen for.  

‘’I love you so much’’ He whispered against my neck, redirecting his lips back onto mine with soft kisses.  

‘’I love you more’’ I whispered back, grazing my lips across his neck, and kissing on it to leave my mark on him. I wanted everyone to know that he belonged to me and only me. My lips rose back to his, returning soft kisses against his lips.  

To what felt like hours, the kiss lasted until we broke apart to remember what breath tasted like. We smiled at each other, interlocking our hands with each other and re-positioned ourselves as we caught up on all the moments we hadn’t shared with each other. It felt so nice to hear how well he was doing within his group called BTS and how they were becoming more popular. It made me feel proud that he could tell me these things without anyone else.  

After hours, we found ourselves lying in each other’s arms, staring at each other. We had forgotten about time's existence as we found the light of dawn seeping through the windows of the studio. We had forgotten about everyone else in the world and focused only on each other. The question had now remained; what now? 

‘’Hoseok…what are we?’’ I whispered to him, nuzzling into his arms further. He lifted his hand to caress my face with his soft palms. As I looked in his eyes, I could see the hope finally return to him, the hope he had lost all because of fear from the unknown. He smiled and closed the space between us with a kiss and uttered his answer. 

‘’Well, I want you to be mine”  

“I want to be yours” I said against his lips.  

 

The End  

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