Fleeting Love

(a/n: you can listen to this song while reading! although you can just listen at the end because it only feels right at the end? i think? enjoy!)

“Let’s cheers! To Batch 2012! We’re still the best!” Our class president, Joohyuk, shouted on the microphone as all of our batch mates held their wine glasses for a toast. I never knew that our high school reunion would be this grand but I guess everybody’s successful now since I never heard stories about someone not having a stable job. Maybe we’re one of those batches who achieved something at least. I smiled as I clinked glasses with my friends.

“So, Irene, I heard that you’re getting married?” a classmate asked and I smiled.

“Where did you get that?” I asked.

“Just here and there? Well, you know how news travel, especially for you, you’re popular everywhere.” She joked.

“I’m not popular everywhere, and yes, I’m engaged.” I smiled again.

Sometimes I hate events, you have to always fake smiles so they won’t criticize you and tell you you’re a snob even though the real reason is that there’s nothing to smile or be happy about. It’s as if, people expect you to be happy with every question they ask you and every news they gossip to you about.

“Heol. Then it’s true! I heard he owns a big company?” Someone else asked.

I bet they have been talking about me behind my back because of these gossips.

“No, but he’s a businessman.” I honestly replied.

“Ey, no need to be shy about it!” Someone else said.

I’m not being shy, it’s the truth. I sighed and smiled again.

“What’s his name?” Someone not from our group came to our table and asked.

I turned around to look at the person’s direction and to my surprise, it’s Wendy.

Wendy, the girl who made my high school feel like a paradise.

Wendy, the girl whose smiles still haunt my dreams.

The girl who made it possible for me to be where I am now.

The girl who gave up her love for me just so I could have a future I could be proud of.

“Wendy.” I called.

“Irene.”

“How have you been?” I asked.

“Same, same. Been running my father’s company for two years now.”

“That’s good to hear.” I replied.

“So, who’s the lucky guy?” She grinned.

“Yeah, what’s his name?” Someone from the group asked.

“Park Bogum.” I quietly replied.

“Ah, he was our senior wasn’t he?” Someone asked.

“He is! Remember, he liked Irene so much but Irene kept on rejecting him before?” Someone said.

“Yeah. My brother was friends with him and I asked him before why Irene kept rejecting him and my brother told me that Bogum told him that Irene kept saying that she was with someone else.” Someone said again.

“Heol! Who was that? Irene? Who was that? Bogum is so handsome though! He’s probably more handsome than Bogum? Or richer? Or smarter?” Someone said.

I hate this. I hate this. Don’t do this. I clutched my pouch so hard.

“That’s not true. I’m close with Irene before, remember? She wasn’t with anyone, she just said that so Bogum would go away. Maybe she didn’t like him before? But she does now. They’re getting married.” Wendy said, in my defense.

I looked at her and smiled.

The conversation diverted to our careers and our goals and the night turned out great. When everybody was leaving, Wendy approached me.

“Wendy, thank you so much for earlier.” I patted her arm and smiled.

She shook her head and said, “It was nothing. They were being rude. Do you have a ride?”

“I brought my car, so…” I replied.

“Do you want to go to a café? Or somewhere? To catch up?” She asked.

“Yes, absolutely.”

We went to a play ground near our high school. I smiled as I looked around. The place changed a lot.

“Remember when we used this place to be our meeting spot every night we felt like running away from home?” She asked.

Yes, I remember.

I smiled and nodded. “It changed a lot…” I said.

“It did. We did too… change a lot.” She replied.

I looked down and stared at my feet. I’m cold. It’s cold.

“Do you love him?” She asked.

Yes, I do.

I didn’t say anything.

“Did all of your feelings go away?” She asked again.

No, I still crave for you.

I stayed silent.

“I still… love you.” She confessed and grabbed my arm to make me look at her.

Her eyes looked so beautiful even with tears wanting to escape.

She kissed me and I still stayed still. I didn’t respond and I didn’t move away because I was trying to confirm something, trying to see if I still love her, too.

When our lips touched, even though it was cold, it felt warm, as if winter suddenly stopped and decided to be summer. I felt the butterflies in my stomach move again even though I considered them dead a long time ago and decided that maybe they weren’t dead they were just sleeping, waiting for this moment. I felt the sun in the middle of the night, as if I was hugging the sun, I felt that I was burning with just a simple kiss. And that’s when I knew that, yes, I love her still, four years after everything that happened, and that’s when I responded to the kiss.

While we were kissing, I remembered everything I thought I forgot. I remembered the night her father found out about us and I remembered how he tried to break us but we continued being stubborn and tried to run away. We went to this playground and tried to comfort each other. I remembered how hard we tried to hide it from everybody and I remembered how much it hurt seeing a guy court her and she probably felt the same when Bogum oppa tried to ask me so many times. I remembered how our first kiss felt like, it felt like this one, only this one felt hungrier. This one felt like it could burn a whole city, or probably a country, or the world. I remembered how it hurt when she said we should break up. I remembered her tears and they still echo in my head every time I’m hurt. I remembered the words, “You would never be proud of me.”

That’s when I know I needed to break the kiss, and so I did.

She looked at me, confused.

“We shouldn’t, I’m getting married.” I said.

“But you responded.” She looked mad.

“It was a mistake.”

“A mistake?!” She shouted.

“Yes a mistake. Because why now?” I asked.

“Because now, the company’s finally mine and now, I’m ready to fight for you and I’m ready to tell the world about us. Now, I need you and you know that you don’t love him. You know that you love me and you know that it would be better if we were together.” She said.

It didn’t feel right. It felt like someone else. Maybe it’s because she felt mad or maybe it’s because of her reasons but I felt like she wasn’t telling the truth and I don’t feel her love anymore that’s why I said the things in my mind out loud.

“Why just now? I was ready to fight for you, four years ago. I was ready to be abandoned by my family for you but you left. And you’re wrong. Yes, I do love you still but I love him more. He knew about us but he still tried so hard to win me over and he did. Not because of his money or the other reasons that other people think but because of his patience and even though he knew I still have feelings for you, he stayed with me through the darkest days of my life and I wouldn’t want to know how life is without him. He was ready and he will always be ready for me and maybe the love that’s left for you is just me trying to hold on to the happy memories I had with you. I’m glad I saw you and this happened. Because I just confirmed that I made the best decision in my life and that is to marry him. And I confirmed that I don’t love you like that anymore. I’m going.” I said and turned around to go.

I cried so hard on my way home and I’m glad that I didn’t hear her replies because I’m scared that I would run back to her arms. I tried to calm myself before going inside our condo. When I got in, Bogum is waiting for me in the living room.

“Hey, you’re here.” He smiled as he stands up to kiss me.

“Yes, I’m tired.” I smiled and hugged him.

It felt so familiar and I’ve never felt more contented in my life.

“You cried.” He said.

“How do you know that? I did not.” I looked at him and pouted.

“You’re using your ‘I cried’ voice.” He smiled and held my face.

“You know me so well, it’s scary.” I joked.

“Let’s sleep and you could tell it to me tomorrow if you want, okay?” He smiled again.

I nodded and we went to our room.

Sometimes, people mistake love for familiarity and memories but those kinds of love should not go through your way. I love him and he proved himself to me so many times. I loved her but sometimes love is not enough for two people to be together especially if one thinks the time isn’t right. There is no right or wrong time in love, there’s just true love and temporary love. And he, he's my true love, my ending.