i'm not giving up

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“How am I supposed to be happy when all I ever wanted left me?” Namjoon asked after they spent some moments in silence. Hoseok was still looking up at him and Namjoon just stared back into his eyes. There was so much hurt, and maybe even regret showing in the younger’s eyes and it hurt Hoseok so deeply. The knowledge that he was the cause for all this pain made his heart clench painfully and the guilt rising, flooding his whole body once again. He felt bad, really bad and so guilty. Though, he remembered himself that he had left Namjoon for his own good. But, now that he saw Namjoon’s pain once again and this time so close, he started to question his previous decisions. Maybe he should have never left the younger. Maybe the younger had been alright all along. Maybe, but Hoseok hadn’t been alright. He had been so terribly afraid of losing the younger, and then he realized that leaving Namjoon had been the most selfish act he could have ever pulled. He did regret leaving Namjoon so terribly much, but there was still this voice at the back of his telling him that it had been the right decision.

But, it had never been the right decision, he knew that now. He had allowed himself to be fooled by his feelings, which had been clouded by a form of darkness he thought he had gotten rid of a long time ago. Namjoon had helped him back then, been there for him and Hoseok had needed him all this time along. He still needed Namjoon so much and suddenly the knowledge of not being with Namjoon anymore hurt him even more. The knowledge that Namjoon was unhappy because of him was something he could never forgive himself for, even if Namjoon would ever find his happiness again.

Hoseok brought up a hand to Namjoon’s right cheek, caressing it as he felt hot tears welling up in his eyes. The pain which was displayed so openly for him to see was too much for him to take. He needed to see a smile on the younger’s face. Namjoon still looked into his eyes and Hoseok got the feeling that Namjoon needed to look at him, as if Hoseok would