So easily, with harsh words
You put scars in my heart
Without even saying sorry
Again, I’m comforting myself
Always nervous
If you’re gonna leave me
I just want you to stay

August, 2015 (Flashback)

I looked at the sky in an awe. For a trainee, nothing felt happier than being free; even just for a while. Nothing felt as great as catching up the breath without worrying my dance moves. Nothing felt more relaxing than being with someone I loved so much after working my off the whole week. And… nothing felt more heavenly than Hanbin’s arms. Right now.

“Baby….”, I whispered as I haven’t heard him speak ever since we started sitting in the rooftop 30 minutes ago. There was no answer.

I then lifted my head up from his shoulder. Soon, I saw his eyes closed. He must be exhausted. He’s debuting soon. He has worked so much for it. I smiled while gently wiping his face.

“You look so tired…. I ….”, I couldn’t manage to finish my sentence as he suddenly touched my hands.

“I am, Jennie-ahh”, he held my hands, while his eyes were still shut down, “I am so tired”

“I thought you were sleeping”

“No”, he shortly replied before he took his hands from mine, “I was thinking”

“What was it about? Tell me if you need anything”, I asked right away.

Hanbin was one unpredictable person. I could never guess what he’s thinking and what he might be doing. He was always anxious. He was strong yet vulnerable. He could be an ice brick but he could be the sweetest lover on earth. Perhaps, that’s why I’ve always been insecure. But perhaps, that’s also why I love him so much.

I started to feel nervous again. He didn’t say a word. He kept on looking down. His next move was what made me even more tensed. He put his hand on his chest; something he always does when he doesn’t feel good.

“Hanbin…. Tell me….”, I insisted as I became more convinced that he was not fine.

He lifted his head to soon turn at me. He moved his body that he made a little space between us.

“Let’s end this all, Jennie”, he whispered. He looked at me in the eyes.

I was frozen at the moment. We might fight a lot. He might have made me cry a few times. But he never said something quite like this. Furthermore, wasn’t that too sudden? We didn’t even argue over anything. Things were perfect.

“Mwo?”, I asked. His eyes still intensely hit mine, “Don’t joke around. I hate this kind of joke”, I laughed and hugged him; trying to comfort my self that it was not real. But as he stopped me, I realized it was not a joke.

“I’ve been thinking about this for long. It’s going to be really hard for me”, he tried to gather his words. He was shaking.

“What do you mean? Am I an obstacle to you?”, I could hardly speak. My eyes got teary. My words got stuck in my throat.

"That might be", he whispered.

As I started dropping my tears, Hanbin turned away from my face. Seeing me crying has always been something he couldn’t handle the most.

“Jennie, don’t cry…. I don’t want to make it harder. Let me walk alone from now on. You’re going to be perfect without me”.

“How can you say this to me?”

“You just haven’t tried. You just need to be used to it”, he whispered. He tried to reach out my shaking hands but I blocked him.

If only he tried harder, If only he tried once more, I would just forgive him. Surprisingly, he started to walk away; as if he didn't care. He left me there alone. He left me crying to the stars.

***

Days and nights, I was waiting for a single call. I thought he would come to his sense. I thought he was just doing stupid thing and would regret everything again just like how he’s been doing to me these two years.

But none of those things ever happened.

I might look cold and tough. He must have thought I would be alright with him leaving me behind.

He was totally wrong.

I’ve never thought I could be that fragile. He ripped my heart off in the worst way.

And my heart never really got back to how it was ever since.

***

In your expressionless face
That’s getting more and more dull
I whisper to the mirror,
Let’s slowly let this go
You take me for granted
But that’s you
But still, stay stay stay with me

*to be continued