School was starting exceptionally well for me, better than what I had thought and incessantly worried about uselessly. I tend to over think and I knew it was unhealthy for my mental health. I still remembered how I was pusillanimous and uneasy when Mom had forced me to order a McDonald meal by myself when I was thirteen. I didn't like how I had to speak up in front of someone I didn't know. I was scared that if I made a mistake, they would have a terrible first impression of me; and I didn't want that. To me, first impressions are important. It's how they would view you from the beginning, and even if I've begun to be friends with them, I'd still dislike it when they bring up about their first impression of others', especially mines'. I know it's not that big of a deal - I know other's impressions of you would change over time as they get to know you.  But even so, I wanted their first impression of me to be perfect. If I had done anything embarrassing or stupid, I would think about what I've done repeatedly again and again in my head. I would be so frustrated with myself because then, I would deem myself as an imbecile and worthless person. These thoughts usually occur at night, when I'm about to sleep. Because that's when the demons start to crawl into your mind and make you think of such nasty thoughts. There were times I cried just because I over think. There were times I couldn't sleep because I made my own self insecure because of these unnecessary thoughts. I called myself worthless and stupid, a person who was unimportant and unneeded to the world. I question the reason of my existence at times. I hide my feelings exceptionally well though. My family members don't notice if I were to have a rough day nor did my friends. I only hid things from them if I knew I could handle these trivial matters by myself. It was hard at the start, but I caught the gist of it quickly after awhile. I didn't want to bother them with small things because it would just trouble them; and I didn't want them to be troubled over my petty problems. So I hid behind a mask, where nobody could see through the pain I've concealed the past years.

Don't you guys do it too?

Chaeyoung cleared . Jisoo and I looked at her, waiting expectantly for what she wanted to say to us. 

"I.. I can trust you guys right?" she asked us as she bit on her lips nervously.

"Duh! Of course!"

"Definitely! What's wrong?"

"I may have started to like this certain guy in Math class..."

Jisoo and I choked on our food at the same time. "What?! Who is this person? Wait, since he's from Math class, we should know him too right?"

Chaeyoung nodded. 

"So who is it?" I asked excitedly.

Chaeyoung laughed nervously. "Ah... you guys might think he's not the hottest guy around here and that I may have a weird interest in guys. But I've never really liked someone who was mega hot before so-"

"Ugh," Jisoo groaned. "Just tell us who it is, for goodness' sake!"

Chaeyoung took a sip from her strawberry milk timidly. "Jeon Jungkook."

Jisoo's eyes may have literally popped out if she ever tried to make her eyes larger. I mean her eyes were already enormous as it is. "Are you kidding me? He's actually pretty hot!"

Chaeyoung scratched the back of her neck and laughed. "Really?"

Lunch break was filled with the constant questionings of Jisoo to Chaeyoung about her newly founded crush on Jeon Jungkook. 

I was curious to how Jungkook looked like - I was never a keen observer of my classmates. Call me unsociable but I've already made great friends, why do I need more on the list? It would be a hindrance to me anyways, having to remember their names and faces as I was never good with memorising them. The period after lunch break was Math, so Jisoo, Chaeyoung and I walked over to class together. As soon as Jisoo spotted Jungkook, she nudged me and Chaeyoung and whispered, "There he is!" 

I would understand why Chaeyoung would say as she did back during lunch break. He's not as insanely hot as the 'kingka' of the school, who was Nam Joohyuk. But it wouldn't do justice to just say that he was average looking. I would say he was way above average but a little below insanely hot. I shrugged at my thoughts and went to my seat, throwing my thoughts away in order to focus on the lesson.

I didn't know I could make such a huge mistake. I am a horrible and terrible person. Why, Hye In? Why can't you goddamn control your damn heart? Your damn feelings? Not only are you worthless, you can't be trusted. Why are you like this Hye In? You should just go and kill yourself, you . I cried silently that night, as I let my walls crash down. The darkness consumed me yet again. When will I ever not be able to let the dark seep in and control my mind? That night, I didn't see a single star that lit up the unillimuinated, cold sky.

Back with an update! I finished writing this at 12am so there might be mistakes here and there;;; Do tell me if you spot a few ok? Anyways, I've found my long lost book in my room and I've decided to reread it again. It's called 'The Outsiders' by S.E. Hinton, you guys should totally read it. ITS SO GOOD. I had to study the book for literature back in 2014, and omg the feels just rushed back to me the moment I read it. 'Stay gold, Ponyboy' had me so bad. TT 

Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter :)

Stay gold, my readers. 

xx lily