VIII. HOW GREAT IS YOUR LOVE Artist: Girls’ Generation   I watched her sleep again.  The rise and fall of her chest gives nothing but contentment in my small fragile heart. For a while I did not notice the beam of sunlight flowing down the small opening of my window sill. I groaned.   I sat up and tried to stifle my yawns,  it's 8:30 and I badly needed more sleep.  But as the image of my test papers and my graduation diploma slapped me in the realms of my consciousness, I bolted up the bed. So much for a romantic morning. Jessica stirred in her sleep,  I immediately knew what she wanted. Grabbing my towel on the hanger, I hang it by the bedside for easier access as I tried to slip myself back to the covers to give her a hug. I felt her relax in my embrace, instinctively hugging me back as she nuzzled her nose on my neck.  I giggled.  I love it with every bit of my soul but my body hates it.  I am very ticklish in that spot.   “Yuri.” “Hmmm?" I replied, watching the watch tick and my time with my girlfriend is dwindling.   “You have exams.” I hear her sleepy voice ringing in my neck.  Afterwards a kiss followed. I hugged her even tighter.  exams.  “I have.  Like in an hour."  “Take a bath now,  you will be late.” “Are you really sure?” I suddenly released her from my grip.   “No.” She grinned as she kissed me fully in the lips.   That day,  I arrived late. Good reasons, good memories.   I lay back down on the bed, a lump forming on the other side.  I can't fully appreciate the view this morning. It is dreadful, past few days,  I am contemplating of things which are apparently not there. Paranoia?  might as well.  I reach my hands to wrap it around her waist,  hoping to see some kind of reaction.  eventually,  I gained one. At least.  “Yuri."  There goes her monosyllabic approach on her supposed to be reply. I waited, hoping that she won't pry my embrace away, but she did. Got my hopes up only to be put it back down. I grimaced at my arms resting on the soft mattress,  the warmth not present.  Only the excruciating surge of numbness in my wrist.  I felt like her force of trying to take my arms away from her body is so strong, I could feel the emotion of resent in it.  “Yuri,  I’m sorry.  I am just sleepy." Jessica woke up in a bliss, combing her bed hair with her hands.  I smiled.  of course,  she is always sorry.   “It’s okay.  I need to go to school now.” She returned back to the comforts of her bed,  giving me a smile.  I hoped. For a kiss, the affection.   “Alright.”  “I love you.” I say.  “Same.” --  The school is packed with definitely different faces but the same gazes.  I strutted the lobby,  the grip on the strap of my bag tightening as each stare felt a little bit too much.   “Yul!” “Yoong.” I waved Yoona with the back of my hand. After all she will always be the mother of all that is called divine necessity. News or gossips in that matter.   “You failed again?” I rolled my eyes.  “Once."  “Oh."  “Cuz I heard from Taeyeon that you need additional days to cope up with your failed subjects. If you fail one last time, you are not going to graduate Yul.” Yoona said,  patting my back. My sister knows. Everyone knows.  A cooking prodigy like me has no capacity to fail,  they say.  But I did.  “I have already told the dean.  I am not going to graduate this year.  I need more time for my part time jobs. I’ll take the major subjects next year.” Yoona stood frozen in her spot.  I glanced back at my sister only to find out that she has tears in her eyes. And so,  I turned my heels towards her.  “You don't have to be like that Yul. I can help you.” “No Yoona.  Mom needs you and I need you to help Mom okay? Dad is not going to be happy if you disobey me.  Just.. Live your life Yoona.  Unnie got this.” I gave her a thumbs up.   you dad. Why.  Out of all people, why does it have to be you.  “Unnie."  “Stop.”  Yoona knew how much of a burden dad’s death made. We grew up in a very supportive household, loving parents, an awesome sister. Everything is deemed to be perfect, I happened to be preoccupied with achieving my dreams.  I am supposed to be a chef, I am supposed to cook for my dad and my mom.  Yoona is a big eater, those times I am certain that I will do every single aspiration I had in my heart.   But the day ended like the sun setting on a rainy evening, I cried watching Dad’s life slip away from our hold. Nothing. I can't do anything. I saw Mom crumple on the ground hoping for a miracle. I even patted Yoona in the back saying that everything is going to be alright, even I know it will never be.  My prayers did not reached there heavens, that one bullet  did not only took Dad but it took my entire life away.  I need comfort.  I need love. But it seems like in the state of my relationship like now, I doubt it.  I feel like . Once upon a time, Kwon Yuri is the most popular girl. With the most popular girlfriend, she is still the most popular now, me too but I ended up as a pity stock. It is not like I don't want sympathy, I don't want them to treat me any different. I don't want a reminder of what happened. But everyone is doing the exact opposite.  Even Jessica.  “Yul.” I did not notice that I am at staring into space again. Taeyeon grinned at me, lifting a small paper bag, probably food.  “You need to eat.” Yep. It's food.  “I ate already.” scooting on the side to give her space, I lied.  “Don't lie to me Yuri.  I know Jessica can't cook.” She nudged me, eventually the burger came out of the paper bag. She grabbed a bite. Giving me the other half.  “It does not mean that I can't. Really, I made eggs."  “ing liar." Taeyeon cursed. Apparently I gave up. I disgustingly pinched the ends of the lettuce that is stuck on my face. This disgusting fellow is not supposed to be a chef.  “So.” “So what?” “You failed. Again.” she turned serious. “I did.” Sighing, I gave a shrug.  I can't juggle all of those part time jobs and my studies. My girlfriend has been acting a little bit odd and most of all my life is a downpour of bad luck.  “You can't make that as an excuse! You know how good you are Yul!  and that is exactly the reason why the dean's are giving you another chance. Seriously you can't waste this!"  she stood up from her seat,  attracting attention from the girls on the other side of the cafeteria.  I smiled a small smile and they giggled.  Pathetic.  “I will graduate okay! just give me time to settle all of my subjects.” “Jessica is here.” Taeyeon ignored me as she looked pass by me. I turned around.  “Yuri." Jessica approached us,  giving Taeyeon a small hug and a peck on  my lips. Moments like this, I am proud of myself. My reward is her. At the end of the day even though  she has been different this past few days, she comes back to me. In my arms.  “You are supposed to be in the pantry. Mrs.  Jones wants to talk to you. You destroyed the food processor again.” Jessica leaned on my shoulder, I gave the last bits of my burger to her.  Taeyeon’s expression grew pale. “Oh .” “Yes.  It has been caught in tape. Apparently,  in this era CCTV cameras are installed in every corners, and you Kim Taeyeon is one hell of a popular little personality.” Jessica snuggled closer after giving Taeyeon a brief roll of her eyes. Her breath is making me uneasy. This oddity is purely out of this world.   “Okay stop mocking me little devil. You cannot kiss Yuri in the cafeteria FYI. You haven't gotten enough last night?"  “TAEYEON!” I hissed. And Taeyeon made a surrender gesture while Jessica laughed.  “I have.” “Good. Take care of your legs to stay intact then.” Taeyeon ran away even before I can hold my footing to punch her erted mouth.   “You know."  I gave Jessica’s hair a light smell, strawberry and vanilla. Still my favorite.  “You can't act like that to everybody, Sica. if you can't anymore, don't lead me on.” I gave our intertwined hands a squeezed. Held my heart with every bit of my soul, preparing my whole being for her reply. “I am tired. But it does not mean that I don't love you anymore.” She replied, the harmonious and melodic sound of her voice sounded so evil. I know that she is tired. I know she deserves better.  “If you want to have a break, I'll give it to you Sica. I love you.” I flinched when our intertwined hands hold grew loose as she lets go. She cupped my face, eyes exquisite and beautiful. Lips so small and delicate, the small straight nose. I want to memorize every little piece of her, in case she decides to drift away from me.  “I don't want to break up with you in the school cafeteria. Not now, not ever.” Holding my hand in her heart she gave my nose a small peck. “And Kwon Yuri, I love you. Please do understand me. I do things, that made you upset. We are in this together now, I know you have been struggling and I am not so much of a help. But I love you.  I love you.” “Stay with me?"  “Always."  -- One time on a cold morning, one passage an ice cream vendor said to me as I was waiting for my mom.  “You write things on your palm?" he grinned and for a moment there is fear creeping on my heart. I don't even have to describe his face as I remember it vividly.  Almost balding. Spectacles crooked and a wide grin.  “Just a reminder. I don't have any paper.” I say.  “You know, people who write on their palm are those who does not want to remember the thing that they wrote.” Apparently absurd. I thought. You write on it because clearly you lack the material. Or the time in my situation. I am not a girl who brings notebooks and scribble on the side of the road like a poet.  “Why so?” Intrigued and annoyed I tried to dig his reasons.  “Unconsciously, you just want to forget.” “Forget?"  “The thing you wrote.” His voice is calm, almost too low. But soothing.  “I want to remember it that's why I wrote it in my palm.” “Unconsciously though.” He sat beside me. His way of speaking is like my father. A tear escaped my eye as the fear suddenly disappeared leaving a warm sensation in my heart.  “I want to forget? Unconsciously?"  “I am not reading your thoughts. Just an intuition. You seem sad.” I bought an ice cream cone from him that day. Because yeah, in that sense of portraying such difficult meaning behind a usual action I am reminded that small things can mean so much. Yeah, I guess. He is right.  Happy Birthday Dad.  I want to remember Dad. But I want to forget that day. That day he was shot on his birthday.  ——  “Yuri?" I hear Jessica’s voice. Yanking me away from the harsh past. But ironically your future is built by your past.  Dad is still dead.  Although the greeting faded away, the memories, I want to forget those things that he did. All too wonderful. I hate it. It made me miss him more.  “I'm sorry. Let's go?” ——  I am absolutely brilliant. Sarcasm inserted.  “ YURI! YOU BLEW YOUR LAST CHANCE!" Taeyeon threw the test papers in front of my face. I only hung my head low. Fiddling on my phone.  I have no more strength to do this anymore, not when Mom finally succumbed into the insane asylum with Yoona trying to be a good girl by not attending classes to aid her.  “You try to fit yourself In my shoes then come back and throw me this ing papers again!” I cried. Much more the tears are not coming out. I cried a lot last night. I cried even harder when Jessica’s phone number appeared on my log.   I have been dodging her. I can't let her see a vulnerable me.  Taeyeon heaved a sigh. She is almost red from the outburst, she hugged me. Too tight that I can't breathe. The tears came, all too fast and I crumbled in front of my best friend.  “What are you going to do now? Yuri if only I can help you.” “You helped me too much already. Dad’s money will apparently still save us from eating dust for about 10 years or so.” I wiped my tears.  “The problem is..”Taeyeon sighed in defeat.  “Yeah I still have 3 more years to acquire it. Law is a . Mom is not capable of handling matters right now that she is probably sick. I need to work for her medical bills once her insurance runs out. And I need is to supply for Yoona’s studies. And I still have to provide for my studies too.” “There us only me now.  Mom and Dad are orphans.” Taeyeon reached for her right eye, wiping a lone tear. She knows that I don't want any pity, especially from her but as I see my bestfriend’s eyes, I gave her the permission to feel that way.   “Jessica needs to know Yuri.” “She will. I need her the most now.” ——  I bumped into several people along the busy roads of the city. They gave me looks and I didn't have any consolation of giving them attention.  I continued to walk, struggling to find comfort in my swollen feet. My car will apparently be a vegetable for the upcoming three years as per the reason that I have no money to provide gas.
Probably the best thing I could do is make myself believe in the thought of surviving for three years without my parent’s guidance.  The attorney clarified that with dad’s assets and all that business stuff that I have yet to determine the true meaning, our share of the wealth will be attainable once I turn 25. I am 22 and hot. In a much less conceited way It means three years of nothing.  In a small world full of greedy monsters, I was blessed enough to have a small family. No uncles and aunts to run after our gold for my parents are both orphans. An inspiration. Cradled the business from dusts. Rising into a mega million company. The story goes on. Mom and Dad taught me to be independent, I raised myself as an independent little culinary student, with only a couple of bucks as an allowance per day but I was able to live at a high end condominium downtown. My parents reasoned that if I will control my life the way I wanted it to be, then at least give them the consolation that I will be safe on rainy days. Pretty much so I am satisfied. On rainy days, I get to spend the night with Jessica and her usual cup of hot cocoa. Woke up late without clothes, the usual thing.  But now, I started to feel the change. I was lost.  __  I walked way past my condominium, giving it a side glance while having a sigh. More so the fact that I am not certain if Jessica is there fuming her nose up because I am dodging her calls.  Or maybe I could go home drunk and she will have to aid my drunk . This is the best option. I don’t want anymore of those pity speeches, I got enough of it from Taeyeon and Yoona already. But like I said to my best friend, my girlfriend needs to know. But not now. And so, I said hi to the bar. Just a few shots of vodka and maybe a few Morgan. Who knows Jessica will be the captain soon. — “I can see that you are up, hot .” Shoot. My head is pounding and there is no way this is caused by my oversleeping. Too much intake of alcohol, yes, I am certain. Jessica sat comfortably on my couch like she owns it. A glass of water in her grip and I reckon that it is there for the purpose of being the prop. Or maybe that will be my morning bath for today.  “How did I get home?” I asked not meeting her eyes. If there is anything that I am afraid of aside from my lack of income for the upcoming three years is Jessica’s capacity to choke me.  “You are asking me that Kwon Yuri? I should be asking that question. So who brought you here?” “I don’t know Sica. I have a couple of Vodka and a few rum and...Baby, I’m so sorry.” I ran towards my girlfriend, leaning my head on her lap. I heard the utmost sigh and I can only close my eyes to pray. “Yuri. The waitress called me and I brought you home. Who else would it be? I am number one on your speed dial. And if I didn