Chasing Her

Chapter Four

"When you come into my dreams,
why is your face always so dark?”
-Park Ah Reum (ch.10)

Ignored Letter #241

Do you ever get the sense that you’ve hurt somebody, but you don’t understand what you did? Because that’s how I feel each time I send you a letter and wait for the postman to arrive daily presuming that you would’ve mailed something back, and guess what? You don’t.

I don’t get it. We were so close back then, you know? We were as close as snow. We were practically together 24/7, so why are you snubbing me as if that never happened? We were best friends, Jien Y–Ah Reum, and I still think of you as one. Save now, I deem you as more than that. A lot of things change after eight years after all.

I’ve duped myself innumerable times and quipped about how the mailman could’ve possibly misplaced your letters or something, but who was I fooling? Mr. Yun, though really old, does his job remarkably well, and perhaps it’s not him at fault but me.

Me. Zhang Jiashuai. Zhang Yixing. What else could it have been?

Once upon a time, it was you and me, and I was the one who left. I was the one who left you in that town that often gave you nightmares.

Anyway, I know that someone’s receiving these letters, and if it’s not you, then please, whoever this is, please return it to me, so I can at least get a few pieces of my heart back.

Thanks.

Yixing.

…

Saying farewell to someone you care about should be a tragic thing, right? Yet, Ah Reum surprisingly feels relieved that she’s finally leaving.

It’s like saying adieu to a youth she’s never undergone. A distant feeling that’s reckoned to leave quivers down one’s spine. It’s an invigorating sensation. A happy feeling because somehow they would feel that it can change whatever it was that they felt, and it does. It makes them crave for that neglected playground of a childhood they once had even more, but sometimes, it does even more than that.

“I’ll see you, dad,” she said, a smile on her profile that yet again did not reach her eyes. She despised it when people said things they aren’t sure about, but here she is telling her dad she’ll see him again. Did he whisper those words in her ears before? Did he also guarantee that he’ll see her again when he ran away from his obligations? She wouldn’t know.

Ah Reum hadn’t gotten some shut-eye the night before. Once she obtained the letter from Baekhyun and read Yixing’s name engraved in green crayon, she just had a feeling that rest would be the last thing she’d be getting. She thought about him the entire night. All she could think about was him. The smile he shows her and the smile he shows others, his eyes that hold insurance, how high his voice would get whenever she pops up from behind him, and the warmth of his arms the night he held her–the night all seemed to not matter. Therefore, the idea of sleep escaped from her clasp.

Overthinking was her specialty after all.

Ah Reum hesitatingly seized her suitcase, the contents feeling heavier than usual. Everyone around her was strangers getting ready to depart. Some were poised. They knew precisely where they were going, and with their lavish sunglasses on and their unsullied suitcases dawdling after them, they go for it. Some aren’t so presumptuous, though. Their eyes are red, a clear sign that they had been weeping the night before, and if their appearance is a mess, then everything else will be as well. Contrary to those with the determination and are taking their time, they’ll be sprinting at full speed, praying that they don’t miss their flight or any flight at all.

Which one was she supposed to be?

Jaesop seemed distraught. “Just call me when you get back home,” he relayed, an obvious frown on his face. He was still clutching her suitcase and refusing to let go, convinced that she’ll need his assistance even although it has wheels. Ah Reum purchased far too many mementos as she said they were, but he knew they were all clothes for herself. He saw her closet when he visited, and he’s pretty sure she can’t fit anything in there anymore.

Ah Reum puffed her cheeks as if she was still the little girl that once got furious at her mom for not getting her any popcorn at the store. “I’ll be fine. I’m not a kid anymore.” She sounded persuasive, but even she wasn’t sure of that herself. She just disliked being treated like a child, even more so when Sehun prioritizes other things over her as if she’s a child that can wait around for him to give her his time.

“It’s not bad to feel like a kid every now and then, Ah Reum,” Jaesop said, nearly tearing up even though they weren’t really saying goodbye to each other. “We all want to grow up until we look ourselves in the mirror and see that our life has flitted before our eyes. Enjoy your adolescence, kiddo because it doesn’t last forever.”

“Flight 216 is taking off in a few minutes.”

She gazed at the man standing before her, the man who adored her with all his heart and yet left her to get affection from her mother who couldn’t even love herself. It was as if he was waiting for something.

A hug?

A reassuring response?

A smile?

But how? Why? It’s not like she got to say bye-bye to her childhood in that manner. She didn’t smile at it, embrace it, or say that she’ll see it again. She just did what everyone did–walk away.

Ultimately, it just became a memory.

“Well, that’s my flight,” Ah Reum sighed. She ran a hand through her hair in distress. She didn’t expect her flight to be called so soon. “See you.”

Ah Reum ambled towards the gate without turning back. She wasn’t going to. Lifting her arm, she swung her hand left and then right for the first and last time. This was her goodbye to the old her.

And then she was gone in the mob of strangers traveling somewhither even though their minds were nowhere.

Perhaps that’s what she was–a stranger going nowhere.

…

Letter #1

My mom advised me to insert a dear, but I think that’s overrated and rather cliché (what does that mean? I heard my mom using it). You’re a special person and you deserve much better than that.

Sorry I never got to say goodbye to you properly. :(

Reply soon!

Jiashuai

…

“Sehun, are you okay?” Luhan asked. He was genuinely terrified for his buddy. Week two of Ah Reum being gone and Sehun still hasn’t gotten used to it.

He would stare off into space, gazing longingly at the seat that Ah Reum ordinarily occupied whenever she happened to visit. Throughout the first few days, Luhan thought that Sehun would explode and direct all of his anger and grief at Yixing, who was surprisingly handling her being gone really well, but he didn’t. He didn’t comment about how thrilled he is that Ah Reum’s giving him space, and neither did he comment about how she blew him off when he texted her.

This whole calamity was a surprise to Luhan. The Oh Sehun that was so desperate to get Park Ah Reum to back off was now hoping that she would come back. If he had told Sehun this months ago, then he would’ve laughed at him.

Sehun didn’t even blink. He could’ve sworn he’d seen Ah Reum beaming and jabbering away about all of the things that made him love her in the first place. By the time his eyes stung, all traces of her being there had ceased to exist. His backpack that mirrored hers was seated on the chair, but even that wasn’t sufficient to keep him sane.

“Sehun?” Luhan repeated, concern evident in his tone.

“I’m fine,” Sehun snapped, “or is that just what you wanted me