DOUBLE UPDATE!

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Was Kyuhyun the reason why he visited Incheon?

Are you really the reason, Kyuhyun? Then why…

His heart skipped a beat. Everything begins to freeze. It feels as if the time has stopped.

“What do you mean ‘what’? You don’t remember?”

Siwon stared at Heechul blankly, feeling quite more perturbed as he could suddenly hear screeching noises of cars followed by alarm screaming and soon followed again by sound of impacts. He tried looking around, searching for the source of sounds and panic rouse him. How could he hear those undeniably loud when in reality he was inside the high floor building? Was it the noise from the ground?

“Please answer the call—“

There goes another incoherent voice. It was almost unfeasible as the noise was really loud that he could feel a slight shot of pain in his head. It grows to be more painful than he last time he felt them when he was still in the hospital. Siwon have his eyes closed shut as he tried to calm his unsteady breathing. The uneven breathing didn’t help to cease his chest and head pain.

“I’m on my way to Incheon. I have to meet him.”

On the other side he was aware that the voice talking inside his head was him. Who was he talking to? Who was he about to meet? Was it Kyuhyun, like what Heechul said? It was strange that the more he tried to calm his breathing the crashing noise becomes much louder. He could barely open his eyes and through that he wasn’t aware that Heechul has been staring at him with cloud of worries.

“Siwon? You okay?” Heechul frowned and he gave Siwon a pat on the shoulder. “Siwon, you look really pale.”

“No worries, I’m fine—“

“How could you say that you’re fine? You looked ing pale! Are you sick?” Heechul yelled and remove the hands from Siwon’s pale face. Almost certainly his loud voice was heard by other employees outside the office. They too starting to wonder what happened inside the office. Some even tried to steal a look to the office.

“Look at me.” Siwon did otherwise. He looked away as he tried to adjust his eyesight. “You don’t ing look away Choi Siwon… Look at me!” Why does it have to be the part when Kyuhyun was mentioned? Siwon’s vision becomes much blurry and darker that he squint his eyes. Why does the question Heechul asked about Kyuhyun have these impacts on him?

He could barely had the chance to regain the accident part from his memories, but still how come Heechul’s question made him to almost get a clear image of the accident? The last thing he head before everything turns black was the screams from Heechul and a loud noise of the office’s door being forcefully opened.

“E-excuse me…Please hand me my red ball.”

Siwon lowered down his gaze to the red ball that reached the tip of his wheelchair. He smiled at the little girl before trying to reach out for the ball. He tried to stretch his arms however he couldn’t. Siwon then looked at the little girl again in case if she’s started crying. Auspiciously the girl stood still while patiently watching him. When he finally get to reach the ball, he give the girl a wave and a big charming dimple smile and received a bright smile and a reply of a wave from her.

Slowly he moved his wheelchair towards the girl and hand her back the ball. “Here you go.”

“Thank you so much! It’s a good day. Please take care of your health.” The girl beamed and bowed before leaving from his sight.

“You were always good with children. Even until now.” Kyuhyun voice appeared beside him. From the kind of voice Siwon knows that the latter is smiling. “Didn’t you saw that earlier? The way the little girl smiled at you. It’s really cute.” He was right as after that Kyuhyun released a melodious chuckle to his ears. “Hmm..Perhaps because you are good looking.”

“Really?” Siwon secretly smiled.

“I always envy you for that.” Kyuhyun bustled as he begins to move the wheelchair. “You do always love children Siwon. Your mind might try to deny but your heart just couldn’t ever deny it. There was this time when we were in high school. We went to the park and had some talk. I was actually…The one who propose to spend some time at the park after school. Though it was really hard asking him to come along, but after a few times of trying to convince him, he finally agreed and so I dragged him along with me.”

“You were friends since high school?” Siwon asked and he felt a sudden growth of culpability. He knew he should just listen to Kyuhyun and didn’t really have to ask for the details but what could he do? He needed to know too about Siwon’s past.

It wasn’t truly that he ‘needed’ it. It was because he wanted to know.

He could perceive a small hope to the fore to help him remember the past. He wants to try remembering them, not only for the sake of himself but for the sake of Kyuhyun as well. He was at ease with Kyuhyun yet he could sense a missing part of one emotion. He had yet to know what that is. Kyuhyun had done so much to take care of him. He couldn’t guess any gratitude that could pay back this debt.

“No, we were best friends since high school.” Startlingly for Siwon, Kyuhyun stated that in enchantment. “So at that time when we were talking we saw a little boy that fell off from the swing. He was crying so loud that it scared the two of us, more like it scared me the most. At that moment I decided to try calming the boy even though it didn’t really work…I also didn’t expect Siwon to approach that little guy and start to coax him with all he got.”

“Did it work?” Siwon asked with anticipation.

“It worked!” Kyuhyun laughed, “Better than I expected. I was momentarily shocked that he worked it out so well. It’s as if he was some prince come to the rescue. I was saved too, again. We then played with the little boy, treat him some ice cream and walk him home together with his little friends. Everyone was expecting him to come to the park again to play together. They liked him after that short moment! From that time I… I admired Siwon even more.”

“Is that so…” Siwon thought blankly. Still feeling culpable that he couldn’t recall what Kyuhyun had just told him. But he was sure that someday the missing pieces would return to him. He was really sure but would they? The accident caused him to have post traumatic amnesia. With what he could remember, the doctor said the recovery process for him to remember the missing parts may take a long period of time.

It was even possible to be a permanent damage,

“S-sorry…It happened again.” Kyuhyun said.

“It’s fine Kyuhyun.” Siwon assured, “They might help me to remember…”

“That’s… I… Okay…” Kyuhyun said. “Do you… want to go back to your room?”

“Sure…” Siwon tried smiling. “Let’s go back.”

Their way to Siwon’s room was silent. Until they arrived inside the room, Kyuhyun broke the silence.

“You’ll have your therapy this afternoon.” Kyuhyun reminded. “By the way, the nurse told me yesterday that you never skipped your meals anymore. I’m very happy to hear that Siwon. I’m sure you’ll have a fast recovery!”

“That sounds like the nurse is your spy while you were away.” Siwon said and lets out a soft laugh.

“A spy or not, I need to keep informed about you.” Kyuhyun chirped.

“Will you be there?” Siwon asked diffidently.

“What?”

“Will you…Will you be there with me during the therapy session?” Siwon repeated. Somehow he could feel his body getting warmer. There was no reply after that and it made him nervous yet disappointed. He knows Kyuhyun was a writer and he might be busy preparing for his new book. Just then when he shifts away from his blank thought, his eyes was already viewed with Kyuhyun kneeling in front of him.

“Kyuhyun…” Siwon called his name as he was taken aback by the view.

“I’ll be there for you…” Kyuhyun hands come in contact with Siwon’s, holding them firmly as if he were to let go in any moment he’ll lose him. The latter then took a deep breath and heaved a sigh while reassuringly smile. “But you have to know that I will always be there for you, even when I’m not there with you in my figure…” Kyuhyun bring Siwon’s hand to his chest. “Always know that you have me, by heart.”

Siwon could feel the calm heartbeat that beats constantly within Kyuhyun. In someway it sends him a shiver which made his heart skipped a beat. What was that feeling? He seeks to know what it means as he stares through Kyuhyun’s brown eyes. He turned down his gaze to their overlapped hands. “I think by thanking you endlessly couldn’t really express my true gratitude. For you to do these even though I’m not the Choi Siwon that you used to know…”

“Even though that was what you think…” Kyuhyun closed his eyes, bringing Siwon’s hand that was on his chest to his cheek. “For you to be living is what most important to me. You have done best to show your gratitude to me Siwon. That is… by you being alive in my eyes. Nothing else matters other than seeing you living Siwon. Nothing… So I should be the one here thanking you. Thank you for living Siwon...”

Seeing tears that rolled down from Kyuhyun’s eye made Siwon to reflexively wipe the tears. He gets the feeling of ache when he witnessed Kyuhyun crying. One thing that he knows about that feeling was, he doesn’t like the sight. He could feel the latter leaning against his touch and peculiarly his eyes feels warmer as if he’s about to cry soon.

“Thank you…”

“Changmin and Victoria are on their way getting their first child!” Minho grinned and Kyuhyun choked, almost spilling his hot chocolate due to the shocking news. His mouth formed into a wide smile after gasping from the happy news.

Going to the café was Minho’s idea as he wasn’t the type to stay in his house when he was in mood to go out. Now here they are having a casual talk, already spending their first hour in a café nearby.

“Wait—you better don’t say that was just a joke Choi Minho.” Kyuhyun widened his eyes after he sees Minho laughing from seeing his choking reaction.

“Cut the crap. Don’t ruin people’s happiness. You better not plan to do that otherwise I’m grilling you.”

“Here goes the snarky you. That wasn’t a joke Kyu.” Minho whined, “I mean why made up some serious joke? I was happy too you know! We’re going to be an uncle soon and I’m so looking forward to babysit their first child! Can’t remember my smile when I told you the news?! Do I need to show you the same smile again huh?!”

“Alright I believe you. That’s for you who always fool people during the old days.” Kyuhyun stuck out his tongue on Minho before sipping his drink. “Me too, I’ll be looking forward to see their first child. We’re going to be uncle soon huh… That’s something to look forward to.”

“Yeah, feels like we just finished our studies yesterday and yet two people from our friend circle are having the first child soon! Who’s going to be the next married couple I wonder—” Minho stretched his arms to the back, “I hate time sometimes because they fly really damn fast! Why are they always doing their business in hurry?”

Perhaps Kyuhyun could agree with that. Time does flies fast that in any moment you could start to feel like you’ve left behind everything to start anew. But some people may never realize that time could easily cut the strings that were tied around the sharp clock hand. Invisible strings of memories that could easily be depicted to imply that even though time constantly moves memories will be always present.

Just like the time when he arrived in that place, he still feel like he was all alone with visible strings tied around his figure, whispering to him these ‘Hey, don’t pretend like nothing happened here. You left behind everything without a second thought. Take a look at your selfish figure in front of you. Look at his face. That’s right, face with full of agony. Wouldn’t you want to purely erase that ugly face?’

“Kyu….”

Would you rather be in the same place like Siwon? Cut these strings and you’ll be freed from your agony.

“Kyu!!”

Everything moves back to normal when his ears reach Minho’s voice calling out to him. “Huh…?”

“Are you listening to me?” Kyuhyun saw the frown on Minho and hurriedly put up a smile. He then apologizes and asked him what it was all about. Minho sighed over his friend’s spacing out habit and says, “I said…Are you sure you’ll be alright staying here in Seoul for the week buddy?”

Kyuhyun shook his head and sips his hot chocolate, his main favorite drink whenever he paid a visit to every café. He seemed hesitant to answer Minho’s question since he knows where it leads to. “I’m alright— what’s wrong with that?”

“Ah—I was just asking, nothing to be fuss about.” Kyuhyun looked at Minho’s eyes that are now gazed around the surroundings but him. By that he got the hint that Minho was hiding something. His friend didn’t only ask him about that out of concerns and the indication of extreme uncertainties. But he too asked something with the rhyme that might lead to a topic that he has yet discuss with the boy.

No doubt it will be about Siwon.

Kyuhyun subsequently lowered down his arms that were rested on the table and grip the edge of his baby blue sweater.

“How about a red velvet cake?” Minho offered. “I’m taking cheesecake. Stay here, I’ll get it for ya.”

“I’m fine with this—“

Before he could fully decline, Minho already left to the cashier place after saying, “It’s my treat!” Kyuhyun sighed as he watches his friend left the seat to order the red velvet and cheese cake. He knew that Minho somewhat felt in the wrong of trying to brought up such topic. It wasn’t because Kyuhyun doesn’t want to discuss them. There were things he wanted to ask Minho too so that makes them equal. In fact, Minho is also one of his closest friends in high school. They were in the same class and often do group works together. So he doesn’t really mind when it comes to him to share things.

Though there are some cases when we feel that some certain topics might trigger our emotion. At times things were meant to be left behind yet without things that had happened the present day that he’s standing right now won’t exist. He couldn’t regret his decisions yet he could still feel the traces of aches. He may well treasure what he left behind in the shadow, locking them into an irreplaceable memory locked away in his mind with a small hope of possibility that someday he could unlock bring them alive again.

However, could he bring them alive again and fill up the empty shell? It was never too late to do so but was it possible even when the empty shell was already broken?

“Here you go, but they might not taste the same the ones in our hangout café!” Kyuhyun was spacing out again. He doesn’t even realize of Minho’s return to the empty seat opposite of him.

“Thanks min…” Kyuhyun thanked before taking spoons of bite from the cake. Minho grins and Kyuhyun smiled. They then eat in silence, not exchanging words until they finish their cakes.

“Siwon and Jessica…” Kyuhyun sudden blurted after he thought of the risk talking about such. But he was willing to take the risk even if it means to let drop at least a small percentage of the heaviness on his shoulder. On the other side Minho eyes were widened when he hears Kyuhyun mentioning the two names. “I knew about their marriage.” Minho didn’t fail to notice the trembling hands of the later as he linked his fingers together.

“So…you knew…” Minho forlornly gets to see at the real expression on Kyuhyun which has been masked ever since he arrived at Seoul. Those eyes were empty yet he could still see the traces of full efforts on masking them. The latter himself had taken his risk to dig up the past again. He was sure Kyuhyun thought of that with heavy endeavors. Minho will cope with that even though he as well feels heavy for his dear friend. He then took a deep breath before starting,

“It was that spring when we held our gatherings after six months. Do you still remember Kyu?”

“Yeah I still could.” Kyuhyun calmly, “It was also the day of our friendship anniversary.”

“Victoria, Sooyoung… Changmin and me….” Minho paused, “When we gathered, we asked about the rest of the member’s whereabouts. We were wondering why you and Siwon didn’t show up. No words or phone call from both of you either. We thought the two of you were busy and didn’t have time to come. That was when Siwon suddenly came to the café asking whether you were there, or whether we have seen you, since he said something about going together with you a little bit later to attend the gathering. He thought that you wanted to come earlier.”

“And so each of us tried calling you but we couldn’t reach you. We waited for you but you didn’t come. Sooner after that, Siwon stated that you left.” Minho sighed looking for answers in Kyuhyun’s empty looking eyes. “We have no idea how he could come up with that conclusion but it scared us. We still believe that you would appear before us again and told us that you were busy with your work but after no news from you, our hopes of that are lessening. Everyone visited your house too but it was empty. At that time we then believe what Siwon said…You left. We never thought you that left us without a word Kyu.”

“Min…”

“There were no words from him about you after that, even though we were worried about you both and asked him lots of question. He was in a terrible mess and in that mean time we decided its best to put you aside. Doesn’t mean we forgot about you. We just had to deal with with the condition.”

“Terrible mess? Siwon?” Kyuhyun shot up a worry look with teary eyes. Minho was not sure whether he should continue with what he had left. From that point hearing his friend’s trembling voice, he could comprehend that Kyuhyun had yet known what really happened to Siwon after the Kyuhyun left.

“Yes. That’s what I could describe Kyu…” Minho nods, “It was as if we lost you both. He didn’t tell us anything, more like he refused to tell us. But thankfully we get to understand about what if we were to mention about you to him. So we decided not to ask more. I couldn’t tell whether it was because he knows your reason of leaving or… because he was still shocked of your sudden leave. The last time we seen him was after he agreed to attend our gathering after a few months of your departure, with him not knowing our true reason of wanting to see how he has been doing. He had… lost quite a weight. And then a few months later we received shocking news that he was getting married to Jessica.”

“…”

“We never get to see him again after his sudden marriage. While the rest? Kyu, I may not completely know what happened between the two of you but that was all that I could sum up. I…still didn’t know the reason of your leave Kyu.” Minho heaved a sigh, “But if you didn’t want to tell me about it, that’s okay. You must have your reasons too.”

“I—Siwon—He was—“Kyuhyun wasn’t able to let out proper words as his tears falls endlessly. He hold his breath to refrain himself from sobbing as he covered his mouth with his hands. Even so that couldn’t make his tears to stop flowing. He couldn’t think of anything else other than the figure he misses most.

“Kyu…” Seeing Kyuhyun crying made Minho wanted to cry too. He couldn’t bear looking at his friend crying like that. Eyes red with full of water, Kyuhyun keep wiping his teary eyes with the back of his hands and sobbed messily. “Kyuhyun please…I know I shouldn’t have…”

“Everything was mainly my fault— If only I didn’t agree to leave—“Kyuhyun said between his sobs and Minho listened tentatively. “I should’ve followed my heart in the first place…I should…I should…”

Minho walks over to stand beside his friend and coax him, patting his back softly. “You shouldn’t be blaming yourself like that Kyu…”

“I never wanted to leave him…” Kyuhyun said in hoarse voice as he fists Minho’s back. “But the fact that we are—“

“Shh…Don’t waste your energy over blaming yourself Kyu. After everything that made you to be like this… Just what happened Kyuhyun ah…” Minho closed his eyes as he blamed himself again and again for making his friend cry.

But that cry made him to be aware of how heavy Kyuhyun’s shoulders are.